|Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.|
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?
Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
|14 Sep 2004||sarah (sissylynn)||everyone always tells me that they have it hard. i know that some do but still not all the fuckin time. they dont have to deal with shit they didnt want to. they dont have to fuckin hide under a mask of something or someone ur not. i hate this, i wanna die... i have scars like the rest of u even the people who are reading this but deny they are one of the cutters. either u cut once or sometimes or all the time. u still are considered a fuckin cutter. stop posing u assholes. u dont know what its like to be molested by ur cuz or abused mentally by ur dad or have a mom who drinks too much to get the voice of my dad outta her head. u dont know what its like to compared to ur perfect brother... might i add he is younger than u.... u fuckin people dont know shit. i have to deal with the broken heart every damn day.. i have his face fuckin set in stone in my head... i have all the fuckin things my cuz did to me in my head playin over n over n over again everyday i have to come home to this war in my house act as if nothing happened that nite... i go to skool the next day happy go lucky never lettin on the pain i have to see in my head. i used to be the perfect child or so some say.. good student to an extent then i used to be a cheerleader, always smiling, had a great boyfriend. i lost it all i died inside i trust no one. yet still i smile n act as tho i do.. i cant fuckin believe u people.. u have ppl to trust ppl to look forward to seeing i just have this lifeless body, this meaningless world i dont belong in u dont fuckin know shit.... there is only one way to do suicide fast n quick... a knife on the throat or the wrist only if u do it right... deep n fast... u will suffocate with the neck but if u want people to feel sorry for u then go for the wrist... u will live longer to see or be seen with ur last breath... have fun and have a great day.... mine wont be!!!|
|13 Sep 2004||marie||well i really dunno i never tryed to kill myself when i was 13 my life was all good from up to the age of 14 maybe 14 1/2.i've tryed to kill myself twice slitting my wrists and that didn't work because i slit it really deep but i neverd got my vains it was in between them so the second time i was blacked out and i got picked up by the cops 4 being way to hammered so they brung me to the police station put me in the drunk tank.and when i was in thurr i tryed to hang myself but the gards ran into my cell and stoped me then the next day when i can to from being blacked out they let me outta the drunk tank but then they brung me to the fricken hospatil to go to the mentail place and i had to stay thurr 4 1 week my mom wanted me to stay in thurr longer but i wanted to get out so i got out and.still today i wanna kill my self but i threw away all my knifes and stuff like that.because when i used to try to kill myself the 1st thing i would grab is my knife and i would slit my writs but now all i have is a bunch of fucken up scares.but i'm gonna kill myself i'm just waiting for the time to come when i get really mad i'm gonna go but a bottle of 151 and go kill my self i dunno how i'm gonna do it but when the time comes i'll know..|
|06 Sep 2004||trinh||Reading these stories have put my life into perspective and that its like my life isnt worth ending compared to everyone else. But their stories have been told and so will mine. Im not going to say my age; its irrelevant right now.
Well, I have always been a happy kid, you know a person people would call normal, I guess I was average. But there was always a part of me that struggled to be part of society or to be normal like everyone else. I always tried so hard to be accepted but everywhere I went people would just judge me, and it made me feel so crap about myself. So finally I just gave up trying in everything. As I hit my 11th grade, I met a girl and she showed me it was okay to be myself, and being myself was cool enough. Things were getting better again. I had never been so happy in my life ever. The best of memories were made with her. I became her new closest friend; you know the kind of friend she was always afraid to have because of past experiences leaded her to believe otherwise. I wasnt religious but I finally found my new faith.
But as the friendship progressed I made mistakes, mistakes that she said was forgivable, but I never forgave myself and I knew deep down that she never had forgiven me even though she said she did. I always looked at these mistakes and allowed them to take over me and so the depression began here. Things werent the same anymore.
I was constantly jealous that she was talking to other people because she never wanted to be a best friend to me, the way I wanted her to be to me. She was a person who always wanted a lot of friends while I only wanted one friend; I guess thats where our opinions differed. I would try so hard to make her happy, though I did on countless occasions; I guess it just wasnt enough for her. She would treat me like any other person. Though Im sure she felt more than that, she was afraid to say anything, so I didnt want to make assumptions so I stuck to my initial thought: I was like everyone else to her. That is what ultimately brought me down. After that everything went downhill.
Friends were worried about me but I couldnt bare the thought that my new light in life rejected me. When school was bad and all.
I found myself crying myself to sleep each night because what was there never came back and Id keep thinking of how persistent I was being with making the same mistakes that I promised not to make. For attention Id threaten to kill myself. I also started to cut. Cutting always seemed to make it better, my tears would dry and I would smile knowing that I felt better. Again cry for forgiveness.
I didnt know what else to do to prove to her my worthiness and loyalty to her, nothing seemed enough for her.
The first time I tried to kill myself I told her and she sympathized with me begging me never to do it again. The second time was similar but she still did not feel the same way I did, wanting to be best friends, but she was strict on me not doing it again. But as the threats became repetitive she began to call me stupid and turn away. All of my friends started to become afraid of who I was or who Ive become. Though they did try to help me. Trying to get me some professional help. But nothing seemed to work, it was like they didnt understand me. I think by the end they just started to get annoyed with me.
Well, the cause of this all was ultimately me, I was jealous of who she talked to and what she did. Just because she didnt feel the same way. At one point she was depressed too because of the mistakes Id made that had disappointed her. She felt crappy due to her loss of her first close friend and so I, having the soft spot for her, always there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. It was hard because I knew deep down I was the cause of these problems, that didnt make me feel much better.
Grade 12 hit and so I was failing my courses. I mean the beginning was nice and all and then I hit a wall. My friends still watched out for me at this point. At a friends party she was talking to everyone but me and so to take care of this pain I over dosed on my anti depressants and ended up in a hospital ruining my friends birthday party. By the end I stopped attending all of my classes and failed my courses and by that time they had up and left me, and the girl I loved. They left me to deal with these problems on my own. What friends huh. When I needed them the most they left, all at the same time too. Now, I have no one.
In total I had tried to kill myself 3 times. Once trying to suffocate myself with a plastic bag. Another overdosing on antidepressants. Another over does which made me vomit for hours. Each time was a cry for forgiveness from her; that I knew deep down would never come. Why did I wake up each time!
Apologies wont even cut it for them, they would tell me to get over it. And Im sure a lot of you have heard the same thing. Im sure its crap. I was just a memory to them and they dont even miss me. I guess I am that worthless as I thought since I was little. I dont think Ill be happy ever again. Was it them or me?
Now the only thoughts that get me happy or even a bit excited are thoughts of suicide. They are what make my day. My moods change, there are times when I am in need and want her there with me, or there are times I sit there and think about how I can get revenge on them for leaving me. There are problems everywhere I look, at home, at school, and I would look to the friends side, but I dont even have any that understand me. Everyone and everything I look at now has a flaw, its all just not worth living for I finally realized. Part of me sees the reality, the ugliness of mankind, the stinks of this city of this planet, wishing the world be destroyed hundred times and cast into the sun. Wishing People stop pretending that their life has a purpose, hoping people remember from the time when we are born, we are waiting to die. ...How many justifications do you see per day? How many lies do you hear per week? Layer upon layer, I wanted to fucking uncover all your layers. I want to expose all of you liars out there. I hate this fucking planet. I hate all of you. People are the worst thing that happened on this earth; theyll let you down. Your dreams will be crushed. Never dream, never have faith.
School starts again, and Im not grade 12 but grade going back. And school is the place where it all went wrong, how can I deal with this, I think it will drive me to my death. All of it, the rejection and the memories.
I know, I have a family that loves me, but sometimes its not enough. I want to die, but Im afraid of the pain. I do want to just die in a car accident or whatever because Im too cowardly to kill myself. But no matter how I die, I want them to be responsible for what happened to me, because in the end it was them who couldve helped me. It was them who could have brought happiness back to my life. They will regret. They will.
This is whom I am, because of the girl and friends who had left me in my times of desperate need.
If you guys are reading this and Im dead, my final words are: its your fault. Live with the guilt.
Ill die soon.
|30 Aug 2004||Gigi||I have thought of the subject myself, as weird as it may sound. Im such a happy person around my friends and family. Iv been through depression though, and for a long amount of time. Iv been through just about every thing; moving, being abandoned by my own mother, not having a father for 2/3rds of my life. Iv been beaten, scared, angry, and just about every other emotion. You wouldnt notice it if you ever met me though. Im in sports in highschool, I get pretty good grades, I have tons of friends, and Im always smiling and outgoing around people. But the truth is that Iv been hurt before, and along with depression comes thoughts. Iv tryed to commit suicide 4 times. There was a time where I was a major cutter too. I have scars on my left arm, and when ever asked how I got them I tell them that the cat scratched me. Im not scared of dying, Im scared for my friends though, I love them more than anything...
Depression still lingers on me, but I just hide it.
|27 Aug 2004||Dean W||Hi kate, if your reading this then u got my e-mail, Sorry to put you through this but I chose to leave my note here as it allowed me to choose who read it first (apart from however many people read the stuff on this site, some of which is quite good and even had me re-thinking my decision for a while) anyway please please don't allow anyone to blame themselves this was my life and I made a lot of mistakes there is NOTHING that you or anybody else could have done to prevent this. I am sorry I have pushed you away for so long and I have dragged you down into my problems (although you will always disagree with that) There is really a lot else to say, people who knew me will know why I did this, I just really wanted people to know I don't want them blaming themselves or thinking they should have done more, you ALL did everything you could. I am a coward and cannot handle the reality of life that was my biggest weakness. I always loved you all and always felt loved,|
|22 Aug 2004||Kieren Allen||I have been thinking of suicide for a very long time now. I'm not 13yo, but have suffered with depression since I was at least 4yo. For me there is now little reason or drive to go on with this game called life. After my parents divorced when I was 4yo, I was brought up in 9 different forster homes. I was abused as a kid both sexually and physically by "straight" people who were supposed to protect and look after me. I have had to live with the memories and shame of this all my life! I survived a very violent gay hate attack just before Christmass 2003, after which I was in hospital for 6 weeks. This has cost me my job where I earnt very good money, and has pretty much destroyed my life! I now cannot trust "straight" people at all. I have no family, and few if any friends, no one will really miss me! People should understand that this alone is my choice! I have given it alot of consideration! I have also looked at other options! No one can live my life for me, or solve my problems or take away the fear, panick attacks and nightmares I now have to live with each day. Remember that I said I have no family, and no one will give a damn when I am gone! I am not lying, I won't even have to wright a letter when I end my life. I am not trying to stop you from killing yourself, that alone is your absolute right, and it is your life. But before you decide to end your life, do what I have done, and at least stay around long enough to consider fully the ramifications of your choice! It will be final and absolute! There is no going back, and there will not be a chance for things to get better or even for your loved ones to help you. Think also, long and very hard about who your going to leave behind, and who might find you. Sometimes the pain for those who live on after you are gone is too much for them to bear. They never really forget or get over it! Remember that things can get better. Hard times can pass! "Suicide" is a very permanent solution, to what can sometimes be only a temporary situation! If you have close friends or a family member you can really trust and love, then for God's sake, do the right thing and tell them how you are feeling and ask them for help before it's too late. You owe yourself that much! Remember that suicide is only to ever be considered as a decision of last and absolute final resort. Think about this very carefully, and don't make a quick decision. Give yourself at least "6" months of very careful consideration, and explore "all" other options first. I did! Time can heal, if not help a lot. Remember there is no turning back from such a choice! Quite apart from any thing else, and of extreem importance, you must have the correct information! You simply must know what you are doing! Trust me, you don't want to end up as a vegetable or be totally paralysed with brain dammage! That would be a living hell, and would really piss your loved ones and friends off! If you really want to know how to suicide, then do what I did, check out the "how to" pages on the net. The Hemock society in the U.S is a good start. It is not the only one but be sure to "get it right" and you can even make it painless! If you, like me are pretty much alone in life, and don't have loved ones, then the choice will be that much easier. You still should consider all the other options first! Remember I said I have thought about this for a very long time, and I know that my life is now just too messed up for a real, and happy future! But if you have loved ones, or very close friends, then you owe it to yourself, and them, to seek help before going any further!|
|20 Aug 2004||Heather Rose||I'm ba-ack... This is awsome.. I can't explain how I feel right now. I cut into that scar of the star on my stomach.. I just did one little cut at first, and I couldn't stop smiling. It fucking hurt. It fucking hurt I was smiling. How sad. I just kept going, using the old scars as my outlines to follow. I got bored of that and covered my stomach in teeny tiny x's. It looks so pretty.
I got bored of that and I beat the shit out of my hip. That was at like.. four in the morning, so when I woke up this morning, it was already starting to bruise.. When I was showering, I just kept pounding on it, with this huge ass smile on my face.
Afterwards, I just laid in bed and pinched my arms.. I pinched them till they were are red and a little bloody.
It was incredible. I miss being like this. I'm being a total cunt on the outside, but inside I'm the happiest I have been in years. I don't care when I flip out on everyone, it makes me feel better. I just yell and scream and poke my little bruise just to remember its there.. Or I'll outline the star on my stomach, and I can still feel how uneven my skin is. Or just stare at my arms.. And just wait for tonight, to continue my romance with the razor
|16 Aug 2004||andrew||hey. im not feeling so bad right now cos im on a high. i spent a few days in my room thinking everything was going to shit but coming out after that everything feels good. its like nothing is as bad as i thought. its always like that after ive been really depressed and i love it. doesnt last long though. maybe thats what normal people feel like.|
|12 Aug 2004||Kat||Hello there its me Kat ,
I vaguely remember a time that I had hopes and dreams, aspirations if you will. It's been so long I can't even remember what those dreams were. Funny huh? Well, those are gone now. So gone. Little by little I've gotten to the point where I don't care. Before it was my family that kept me alive, now it doesn't even matter. I don't have anything I feel is worth living for. Not a career, not my family, not even the prospect of future happiness. Growing up abused, raped, beaten and feeling worthless, I guess you could say I've become numb. Lately, the only thing that can get any sort of reaction out of me is Death.
I was just born an unhappy child. I've been trying to destroy myself for as long as I can remember.
I know how I am going to kill myself, I am going to take enough Coricidan C (over-the-counter cold medicine) to numb myself out, back it up with a bottle of Jack Daniels and after that kicks in I'm good to go. This will enable me to get the cujoes to attempt suicide. I'm going to numb myself out, and cut my veins. I tried taking Pills and tried a syringe of Morphine, but was stopped.
I do not have anyone other than my children that would truly miss me. But day by Day I mess up their lives and I do not want them to go hungry one more day, or feel sad for me, or worry, They deserve happiness, not suffering, or pain. I love then so much but this the only way to stop this madness in my life.
Well, that's all I really want to say except, there are those who where born to fight all their lives because they feel that they may be able to accomplish something worthwhile in this world. There are those who live life because they don't know what else to do, because it's what's expected of them. Then there's me: A soul who was born weary of life, who doesn't see the possibilities or the "good" in the future. Someone who can't fight this sadness inside me because all she sees is a bleak existence and pain... lots of it. It's the type of person who can handle all the physical pain in the world, but none of the mental anguish.
I have had enough of the pain the physical abuse, mental abuse. I prayed to God and asked Why? I have taken all the tests I can, I only wanted to have someone love me, show me that there was something good out there for me. You think you find this person, You give him your heart , for him to just hurt and destroy you. Till you feel worthless, ugly, and that you do not exist. I have always put other people before me. Helping and giving the best way I could, I tried to be a good mother and wife and lover, I believe why lie, it will only hurt you more than telling the truth. Well this is my truth:
I love you Kamie, Dj, I know you are strong and you will be happy,
All my love forever,
Love Mom ,
Take care all ,
|09 Aug 2004||mad-comic||You know what I really fucking hate??!! I really fucking hate it how people post on this sight just to say how depressed people should *get over it* and how this sight is shit. Listen. Listen really carefully... FUCK YOU!!! You fucking faggots... you have no idea how much I hate you.
Holy fuck, and you have no fucking idea what you are on about!! You think it is someone's fault if they have been raped when they were tiny and they... they don't feel sooo fucking good now because of it! No, go fuck yourself!! Seriously, get the FUCK OFF this sight!!!! I would punch you in the face and feel really damn good about it!
That happened to my best friend. The sweetest nicest girl that you would ever meet in the world... are you telling her that she should have fucking *got over it*??!! That she should have just pretended it never happened and just got over it and just put it behind her?? Well, she did, and now she is fucking dead. Thanks to insensitive fucking faggots like yourself. Like "flamer", you fuck. I would take pleasure in kicking the shit out of you. And all the other fucking faggots who bitch about the people on this sight.... I find it really weird how the people who deserve to die are the ones bitching about the people who deserve to live. You clearly have no fucking idea what it's like to live like that, with something like that in the back of your mind, pressing and growing every day like a fucking tumour until her pretty little legs look like a map they are so badly cut up. Nah, I'll tell you really slowly... you.. don't.. know.. what.. the.. fuck.. you.. are.. on.. about..
So SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! It's really really simple.
It... shames me, you know, that people like that are still alive, when the others are the ones who die. It's like fucking reverse natural selection or something.
As far as I'm concerned people like you killed my friend. You killed someone really fucking close to me! You know, I genuinly love to return that favour.
|05 Aug 2004||A girl with experience that has advice to people who are not...||Hi, I'm 13 years old. I've attempted suicide a few times.The first time i thought about suicide was when i was 11 years old. My cousin had just killed herself by hanging from a rope. She was only 1 year older than me. I was scared, depressed, and i couldn't concenntrate in school. My teacher had to send me to the school councellor to try to make me focus. Another thing that was going on in my life at that time was my uncle went in prison. He's going to be there for a long time and that puts more stress on me. My parents want me to be a perfect little angel but i cant. I have so much stress its crazy. I try to fit in with people so that i have good friends. but its so hard.I try to be what i'm not and that brings me down because i want to be myself. I once got in a fight with my parents so i went in my room and i was going to hang myself. I was in there for a while setting it up. i was just about to jump and my mom walked in. I wasn't going to do it in front of her. She got really mad but wouldn't yell cuz she was afraid i'd do it again. My dad was yelling so loud at me and i was crying. My mom took my dad out the room and said now you know yellings not going to help so just stop. He stopped yelling. Things went fine for a while and then me and my mom got in another fight. The first fight i was 11 and this fight i was 12. i got my downstairs room switched to upstairs so if i tried anything i would hear them coming up the stairs so it was good. I cut my arm with a pocket knife but i was afraid to die but i wanted it so badly. Apparently i didnt die. One time i was at my friends house and she was cutting her wrists for fun. she said it didnt hurt cuz she was using a certain kind of razor. The razor is an old kind of eyebrow razor. I wanted to see if it hurt me cutting my hand. So i cut my hand. It didnt hurt. But i still think about suicide thats why i'm on here. My point of view is don't commit suicide cuz think of the people or animals that love you. Think of what you'll loose. Think about the sorrow. Think about where you will go. I think if you commit suicide you will be a lost soul. If you dont you could one day be happy.|
|04 Aug 2004||Unhappy||Im 15 years old and ive being thinking about commiting suicide for quite a while now, i read some of the posts here and i think to my self how stupid my problems seem compared to some of yours. Anyways it all started when i was about 10 my pearents used to row and throw stuff i used to wake up in the night woundering what they were arguing about now. then one day my mum left thast how it all started i couldnt cope and i wanted to die i hoped that i would fall through a window and just die but then i had my nana she knew how unhappy i was and at least she tryed and thast all that counts to me. i still stayed in touch with my mum and about 2 month later my dad let me see her again i used to feel so sorry for her in a little flat by her self i used to cry my self to sleep every night. Until one day my mum found a new boyfriend he was so good and i used to enjoy being around him my mum took my dad to court and got custody of me i went to live with her and her new boyfriend and things started going well in my life for once a couple of years later they got married and i was so happy. i still kept in touch with my dad a bit but no that much. a few years later i used to go to my dads every weekend but he seemed to shun me and didnt want anything to do with me so i acted the same and i told him that he was the biggest fuck up in my life.As im here wrting this now over the psat 4 week has being the worst of my life my mum had an affair and split up there marriage fucking up my life not only that by doing this my mum has left her self with no money and we are moving house again considering this is the 13th time in my life not only that but we are moving to a shitty little house miles away from friends and family over the past 2 moth though i have had a girlfriend and thats the only reason im still here she brightens up my life i havent told anyone how i feel n talking to strangers seems to get it off my chest my life is nothing but arguments with my mum and lies from her. ive had suicidel thoughs ever since but the other reason for me not doing it is for my nana and how much it would hurt her to see me go before she does and i love her loads and couldnt do it to her. but i dont think i could do it to my mum either i know she cares and loves me really but she is too busy fucking up my life. Im sorry for the space ive taken.|
|04 Aug 2004||no name||im not actually 13 im 14 nearly 15 but ever since i was about 11 i h8ted my life. i have loving family around me and i know they care but not in the right way. i know my life doesnt seem 2 be as bad as other peoples but just what im going through is so hard 2 put up with. imagine every time ur at home on ur own u brake out into tears n u cry yourself 2 sleep mostly every night. i have tried 2 attempts 2 commit suicide, i even cut my arms all the time it feels as though all the pain n unhappiness is pouring out off me but the next day it will out pile up again. i have tried many ways 2 get through my pain i even write in a book all my feelings it can help it feels as tho im telling someone and they are actually listening it really hard because my whole life i have played the part of the outkast. ppl love me but never show it so do they love me? i know ppl do but there just isnt enough ppl n it makes me feel real bad. i tried 2 tell my best friend how i felt but she didnt help at all. we have a book that we share and we write letters 2 each other in it. i tried 2 tell her my feelings but she didnt react and i really needed her, but i have a friend lauren n i just blurted it out 2 her and to my suprise she had cuts all up her arm we both was going through the exactly the same. i felt she was the only one i could go 2 when i felt really low, when i was going through my worst point i got ill with glandular fever n i got it really bad and had to be admitted 2 hospital. this helped me alot as the nurses would come and check me every hour it felt so nice that people would come 2 see me and see if i was ok. i felt people really cared and there are ppl in the world willing to help it helped me alot untill i came out n nobody wants 2 c me. thinking they will catch and no matta how much i say you cant catch it unless i snog u which is unlikely they still wont have it. my auntie said i couldnt pick up my 2 year old cousin which really upset me as i love him 2 bits and she knows how much i do and i couldnt even pick him up and i told sum ppl i got upset n they would say well no one really wants 2 get a disease, i nearly burst out into tears cause it isnt a desease its a virus which will go and its not like i chose 2 have it for 3 weeks on end i was in total pain i could barely breath as my tonsils had swollen so much my glands where very big makeing my neck wide one side was very big causeing my face 2 swell and my eyes where really sore n i had a really bad migrane which had lasted for a bout a week never stopping this cause for me 2 have no sleep through the nite i would sleep in the day when sumone was there n then not in the night wen every one was a sleep i couldnt talk very barely got words out which was hard 2 let anyone know how much pain i was going through i couldnt eat ot drink at all! for 2 weeks because i couldnt drink either i couldnt have ne liquid foods i had 2 be put on a drip! im know so happy im not in any more pain i look fine but ppl cant seem 2 get out there heads wat i had i could understand they dont want 2 get it but i would no way want anyone 2 be in as much pain as i was this is a very low point of my life as its the holidays n my mum n dad are at work n my bruva is out my friends have gone on holiday or doing things with their pairrents i feel so i alone, one way of helping myself is listening 2 micheal jacksons you are not alone it helps me so much its one song i will never forget but i feel i can never for forgiving myself for cutting my arms and i wanna kill my self so much i wish i was in a different life the only thing holding me on is my mum and dad n brother its also hard for me because my mum is going through such a hard time 6 people have been in hospital this year in her family my auntie being which the worst she was a drug addict for many years since the age of 13 now the age of 30 back in january she was rushed into hospital with a lump the doctors wasnt sur wat it was they romeved it decoverying it was a bug from a dirty needle the bug had spread the had 2 remove it as it would just speread to her head causeing her t have a tuma n die or to totally parilise her my mum would come home every night from being at the hospital crying every day she would have more of her body removed leaving her with just flesh on her hips and all up her back there was a day where my uncle went in the hospital 2 find blode dripping off the bed he still hasnt gotten over it everyone was there she had been uncoisise for bout a month the last thing she knew was she was having a lump removed when she woke up she was disruate 2 know half her skin from her body had been removed she had skin graphs the familt are still finding it hard 2 come 2 terms with it but they are all helping her out wit a new life this has made my mums family much stronger my cuzzens are always together through the holidays i feel so alone again im at home knowing al my cuzzzens are together i tell my mum how i feel so alone and she says well they perants dont work as much so u get more things but thats not wat i care about i just dont want this loneleyness day after day some people like their own company but i just aint like that i love people beimng wit me it makes me remember i aint alone in life but i know one day when i got through a really low time one day i really will kill my self i really loved this 2 boys and i really couldnt chose so i would go out with one then finish it n go with the other then id do the same now i have lost both of these boys ni realy loved em n they said they loved me but not any more and i still love one called louis but he loves this girls sam n i miss him so much i really want him back my cuzzen who i would call my soul mate we are so close dont want me 2 b wit him so i finished it she is like a sister 2 me we have known eacother all our lifes we have arguments like sisters but make up straight after but at the moment i havnt seen her for about a month n i miss her so much i feel she helps me alot its like aving a sister like a best friend and her not being around is so upsetting so maybe one i day i truley will be saying goodbye|
|02 Aug 2004||x the kid||people always ask "what's the point of life?" well i've finally figured it out: death. i think that death is the most glorious part of life. i am an attention seeking person. i love to get attention. one time, i was anorexic just so people would try to force feed me. of course i gave it up after a few weeks when i was tired of that certain type of attention. then, my best friend (or so i thought) for 3 years accused me of faking anorexia just for the attention. that got me pissed off. she blocked me on aim and avoided me in school. i hated her for it, and i still do. she says i'm a horrible person. so that got me depressed. although what she said was true, what kind of friend is that who accuses her friend of faking trouble? what if it was real and i was really suffering? well i've realized faking stuff doesn't get you much attention.
then lately, my boyfriend started igoring me. i don't really think i'm an attractive girl, and it's hard for me to get anyone interested in me. this is my first real relationship, and i love him very much. being the romantic that i am, i live for love, and i think love is the only reason why we are alive. but my parents don't allow me to date. until college probably. but i can't wait until then. right now, i have absolutely no freedom. i'm not allowed to see my boyfriend, and i'm not even allowed to ride with my friends home from school. i have to take the stupid bus that takes up so much time of my day. i'm in this advanced magnet school and i am also in marching band so time is a precious thing. i also love to hang out with my friends and just be with my boyfriend. but my parents don't allow me to do so. so my boyfriend, finally realizing that we can never go on a parentally approved date (we always sneak around), decided that he doesn't want me anymore. he doesn't talk to me anymore and changed his screen name just so i can't reach him. it angers me. the last time we saw each other, we were still close. all the sudden, he just decided that i'm not worth all the energy required of sneaking around. he was the perfect boyfriend. he wasn't afraid to show me that he loved me, and he always did all those sweet stuff. plus, he showed up right when i was about to give up on life.
then recently, a girl from my school died of meningitis. everyone had her in their profile and claimed her such a great person. people dedicated away messages and xanga/livejournal entries to her. she wasn't even that great of a student.
so i realized that if i killed myself, then i would get all the attention i want. just knowing how many people would be sad, how pitiful they'd think it is that such a girl with so much potential and talent would take her life. i have decided that i won't be able to take the next two years living just for school work and practicing flute. that's just not the way i work. i'm a sociable person, and i like to go out. not being able to do that is worth than death for me. i know if i push through the next few years, i would be able to do all that i want, but then i don't feel like dealing with the stress and pressure of applying for college and then trying to find a job and stuff. and i always worry myself to death, what people think of me, what college to go to, what to major in. so after i've decided that i will commit suicide, that burden had been taken off my back.
so my suicide is going to be like a dream wedding for most little girls. i'm going to plan it perfectly. i'm hoping to go through with it in the next few months. i'm planning to act like everything is fine, and i will still take the sats and psats so nobody will suspect a thing. i will work hard at my flute, so it's even more talent lost. i will be obedient and never rebel with my parents. so when i die, it will be this wonderful kid lost. nobody would've guessed, and everyone would be 10x sadder.
i'm still not sure how i'm gonig to carry out my suicide. i want to wear something elaborate, write everyone letters and stuff. just make it all dramatic. i'm so glad i've made the decision to die. i just don't have to worry or be afraid anymore. the last couple of months of my life, i'll live it to the greatest. i'm going to pretend, because the real me is already dead, but i will enjoy everything i love before i die... then the greatest day of my life, my death, will come and i will receive the attention i've always wanted, and i will be glorified...
|28 Jul 2004||steve f||every day is exactly the same. the emptiness. the grief. the regret. the self-loathing. the denial; the realization.|
|27 Jul 2004||SARAH||THERE IS NO BEST WAY TO KILL YOURSELF U JUST HAVE TO DO IT. IM THIRTEEN AND I HAVE A FUCKED UP LIFE FULL OF DRUGS I CANT STAND IT WHEN I WAS 4 MONTHS OLD MY DAD WENT TO PRISON FOR SMUGGLING HE WENT IN FOR TEN YEARS AND I HAVE AN OLDER SIS WHO IS PRETTY FUCKED UP TOO SHE WAS FIVE WHEN MY DAD WENT IN. WE LOST ALL OF OUR MONEY SO MY MOM HAD TO GET TWO JOBS AND WHEN MY SISTER GOT OLDER SHE DID A LOT OF SHIT AND WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD I HAD A KNIFE TO MY HEART READY TO DIE BUT I DIDNT WANT TO HURT MY MOM WHEN I WAS 9 MY DAD GOT OUT OF PRISON AND HE GOT DEPORTED AND MY SISTER WAS FACIN TEN YEARS IN JUVE AND 2 YEARS OF PRISON BUT SUM HOW MY DAD GOT HER OUT AND WE ALL HAULD ASS TO CANADA AND THATS WHEN SHIT GOT PRETTY BAD I STARTED SMOKIN WEED AND MY PARENTS WERE DOIN COKE AND WE LIVED 10 MINUTES AWAY FROM THE PERSON WHO MALESTED ME WHEN I WAS 5 OR SIX AND I NEVR TOLD MY PARENTS UNTILL LAST NITE AND I TOLD THEM HOW I FELT AND HOW ONE DAY I WILL KILL MYSELF,YA I STILL HAVE DREAMS ABOUT WHAT I WANNA DO IN THE FUTURE BUT I WONDER Y I DREAM IF I WANNA KILL MY SELF I'VE BEEN HURTING MY SELF FROM SINCE I WAS 5 AND NOBODY CARED IM THIRTEEN NOW AND IM REALLY DEPRESSED I CUT MY ARMS ALL THE TIME AND LET PEOPLE KNO WAT IM DOIN SO THEY UNDERSTAND THAT IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND I THINK ABOUT KILLING MY SISTER ALL THE TIME I HATE SHE HATES ME I GET YELLED AT EVERY DAY AND I DONT KNO WHY.IM SO FUCKING CONFUSED ABOUT MY LIFE AND THAT WHY I DONT THINK ITS WORTH LIVIN IF EVRY ONE HAS THEIR BACK TURNED ON U THERES NO POINT OF LIVING IF UR A FAILURE LIKE ME .AND WHEN I EVER BET MY HANDS ON A GUN IM GOIN TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT RITE IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY TO MAKE THEM RELIZE THAT THEY DROVE ME TO THE POINT WHERE I WANNA KILL MYSELF AND IT WILL KILL THEM INSIDE AND THEN THEY WILL FELL LIKE I DO NOW,DEPRESSED,NO POINT OF LIVING,VIOLATED,HURT,WITH TEARS IN THEIR EYES MAKING EVERY THING SEEM LIKE IT WAS THEIR FAULT I KILLED MY SELF.|
|24 Jul 2004||mel||The best way to kill yourself... to speak truthfully there is no best way.The best way would be to die painless but its not gonna happen. First of all why do you want to die??
Are you depressed or do you just see no point to going on in this world??
I myself think both, what is the point of living??
Is it to achieve and prosper or is it for other reasons to fall in love maybe?
Ill tell you about my life and if you still want to die go ahead and kill yourself go 6 foot under its not my prob but dont expect to go to a better place.
My mum and dad are always fighting theres alot of yeling and punching going on in my life.
My mum just kept on going back to him for 14 long years , tormenting herself and her three kids, because of this fighting my brother is now on these tablets called epilum,theyre mood stabilisers.He is really aggressive, he is so aggressive that he stabbed me in the leg, i had to get stitches and if he had hit for inches up it would of killed me.
He has done armed robbery,and robbed servos and liquor stores.
He luckily was sentenced ith 18 months probation. he is also a self mutilator.
My little sister is 9 and she is the happiest person in the world.shes to young to understand what happens around her so she isnt as screwed as me and my bro.
She was there when my bro stabbed me, she saw my leg pouring out blood, she saw me screaming in pain, she saw me go in the ambulance and she was there for the 4 hours i was at the cop shop.
she sees it when my mum hits me and slams my head into walls continuously.
shes there for everything and i hate myself for that.
My dad hits my bro he yells at me my sis is the apple of his eye.
hes a drug fucked cunt. he fucked his half sister for 6 months while we were living with him. he has perved on me in the shower. i have so many scars.
You may think that is not so bad, but i lived it, it was traumatising.
im depressed and in every way im dead except physically.
i dont kill myself only because of my little sis. she is he light of my day.
so plz think of the consequences of suicide.
|18 Jul 2004||North carolina kid||I'm only 14 now and my life has been pretty good. I mean my parents have a happy marriage and they're supportive. I've never had to go through anything too tough. Nothing like some of the posts that have been put here. But I've always been a very bleak person. As I was growing up my father took in his parents to live with us. They were going to help around the house and my parents would in-turn take care of them. Well my grandmother and my Grandfather never got along. I always remember them fighting. And it was always over the stupidest things. They would just start with raised voices until it became full out yelling. Well I think they moved in when i was 3 or 4. Well that was 10 years ago. In that 10 years my grandfather lost both of his legs and went through four strokes in the course of a year. But he stayed with us the whole time. He had to have been one of the most stubborn people I have ever known. This made helping him in his condition much harder. Well my grandmother wouldn't put up with it. Her health was also failing but that didn't seem to stop the fighting. Except now she was the one that yelled and my grandpa could only sit, watch, and think. He had to learn to talk again. Well he died in 98 i think and since then my grandmother has only been venting her anger on my father, mother, and myself. She was always pissed about something. Well she just faded and faded until she died. Actually that was just a month ago. I feel kinda happy she's gone but I mean she was my grandmother and she wasn't all bad. I guess i do miss her but now my parents and i can live by ourselves.
Well my father is a portrait painter and was successful until we had to start taking care of my grandpa. Now he's trying to salvage his career. It's like starting from scratch and he's 50. I can't imagine how bad it must be for him. He's a manic/depressive to add to the problems. Well my mother has been supporting our family with her job for as long as i can remember. And it's starting to get to her. She's more depressed than i think she lets on. And that pains me. I have to admit though that things are looking up. And I have no idea what im doing here. But i can't seem to escape being sad. I'm always depressed. My friends are there for me and they try to help. I appreciate the effort but they just seem to make things worse. I just feel like i want to get away from them every time they get near me. Then to top it off I fell in love with this girl. (i mean i think i love her. I wouldn't know off hand. It's not like i can compare it to anything) But i know it wasn't just a fling. Well we dated for almost 2 years. And i enjoyed her company and she always made me feel better. Then she decides that she wants to move on. Ironically she broke up with me on the same day that my grandma died.... And she couldn't even tell me in person. She wrote me an email. That hurt. Just like so many other things i just let her go. What's the point in fighting it. It's her decision and i want her to be happy, with or with out me.
Well, i've never been religious and I don't believe in an after life. The thought of going to a never ending, dreamless sleep consumes my waking moments. I wonder if death is more calm than life. Cause life is just tedious. It doesn't seem to have the fabled silver lining that every dark cloud should have. I want to be a painter like my father. To strike out on my own. But what's the point if life is going to be this bleak. I've been an on and off cutter for 2 years now. I blame it on accidents like if im making dinner ill cut my palm. Or i fell in school. Or some shit. I don't even know why i do it. It seems like the pain kinda wakes me up. It breaks up the monotony of my every day routine. I have considered suicide on a few counts. But i've never tried anything. I guess how much my parents care about me stops me from doing anything serious to myself. I guess i'm just tired of life. I hate waking up in the morning and getting ready to go to my fucking high school. To look at the same stupid jocks walk the halls and try to impose superiority on all my peers. I mean not all of our generation is like that but those people ruin my day. I don't get picked on in school but it's just a depressing place. I do well in my classes and every one seems to think i have this wonderful potential for my future. I just don't see it. Every day I feel more and more alone and every one's attempts to cheer me up just seem stupid. I don't want to push them away but i always do and i don't know why. I wonder if death can bring peace. But I know i would leave a life behind. And i know that too many people would be hurt. I do think that suicide is selfish, and I don't think i will ever be able to go that big step and just take my own life. Even if it does enter my thoughts a lot. But i could see how a lot of people just stop caring. I wonder if i'm there. I haven't felt emotionally sturred in so long i feel dead already any way. But I do find purpose in helping my friends if they have a problem. And I still love art. I'm sorry for taking up the space this meaningless post takes. It basically begins and ends in the same place. I guess i'm on an eternal fence. I can never make up my mind. I don't believe in a god but I think my conscience won't let me do it. For those resolved in killing themselves, I hope you find the calm you're seeking. I can only hope i can find it in life cause i guess i don't have the courage to just end it.
For any who listens, thank you. I guess it helps to write this. No body who hasn't had the same thoughts would understand.
|09 Jul 2004||Mortician's Bread/Butter||People tend to start this form out by stating their age and other useless information... I won't be doing that because it doesn't matter. Either way I'll be dead soon and that realization actually has me in a peaceful state of mind.
I vaguely remember a me that had hopes and dreams, aspirations if you will. It's been so long I can't even remember what those dreams were. Funny huh? Well, those are gone now. So gone. Little by little I've gotten to the point where I don't care. Before it was my family that kept me alive, now it doesn't even matter. I don't have anything I feel is worth living for. Not a career, not my family, not even the prospect of future happiness.
I guess you could say I've become numb to these sort of notions. Lately, the only thing that can get any sort of reaction out of me is Death.
I think I was just born an unhappy child. I've been trying to destroy myself for as long as I can remember. I've been cutting away at my skin, layer by layer, since I was 12. However, my happiest memory of self mutilation was before that, when I 9. I liked the feel of getting burned even then and my momma had the iron out... well, basically I put the hot iron on my foot. To this day my parents think that was an accident. Then came the cigarettes. I've never used an ashtray and never will. It's much easier to put it out on your arms or legs. However, my father doesn't share the same opinion so I don't smoke with him anymore.
So I guess you could say I like pain. It feels nice, and theres some sort of satisfaction in seeing the wound heal. Anyway, that used to get me through the day as well, but even that has lost it's flavor.
Well, seeing as I ended up talking about myself I will answer the questions at hand: What's the best way to kill yourself(at any age)? Take enough Coricidan C (over-the-counter cold medicine) to numb yourself out, back it up with the cheapest bottle of scotch you can find and after that kicks in your good to go. This will enable you to get the cojones to attempt suicide and at the same time you will feel nothing. Try cutting your veins, you won't feel a thing. Or jump from the tallest building you can find, that'll work. As for me, I'm going to numb myself out, put on my prettiest dress, jump in the pool, and cut my veins.
I wish I could see it from a third person point of view. I wish I could watch myself bleed to death. What a pretty sight that would be. A pale figure floating on ice water, looking up at the sky as if waiting for redemption. The blue slowly turning red as I bleed to death. It's a very comforting image. Well, that's all I really want to say except, there are those who where born to fight all their lives because they feel that they may be able to accomplish something worthwhile in this world. There are those who live life because they don't know what else to do, because it's what's expected of them. Then there's me: A soul who was born weary of life, who doesn't see the possibilities or the "good" in the future. Someone who can't fight the good fight because all she sees is a bleak existence and pain... lots of it. It's the type of person who can handle all the physical pain in the world, but none of the mental anguish.
|08 Jul 2004||fuckingdickhead arsehole cockidiotbitch dickfucking dtoitretardb||I truly wish someone could help me with this...
In a way they do, and for that i thank mouchette and her sight... but as one person I talk with said they can only help me as much as they can, they can't stop the world from turning around.
I don't know why I am writing this, to tell the truth. These past few days have been hard and there's something I need to get off my chest.. i don't know.
I was never close to my father... he's three-to-four times my age (I'm seventeen), and when I grew up he seemed so old and out of touch with the world that we never became close. I have so many perfect brothers and sisters anyway. But recently he has tried to help me so much. I love him. I don't care. He offers to pay for things that he doesn't believe in, he fakes interest in my school work just to help me along, he really tries and to me that's what counts. That counts more than anything else in the world. It doesn't matter that he's out of touch. I love him and we are truly 'friends' dispite all the fucked things that I've done. But that bring me to the worst thing. I've recently stolen his c.c. detail and I spent so much money over the net... I don't even know why I did it.. I just did. And then I did it again. And again, and again and again. I know all the love and trust that we have built up will be destroyed, just by this one thing. No, I take that back, because it's not just 'one' thing.. man, i don't know why, but I seem to fuck up every time. And every time I think that somehow I'm smarter or "better" than I was before.. of course, I'm not, i don't even need to add that really. You know all the things I mean; doing drugs, hanging wiht the cool people, all that crap. And now just at hte point when I begining to realise how truly valuable the few things I have left really are I go and fuck it up completely again. What THE FUCK is wrong with me?! I feel tear burning at my eyes, not out of self pity, but for the one truly beutiful thing I have and the fact I'm going to lose it.
I have to run away, but that will hurt him even more. I don't know what to do... I wish.. i don't know. I truly wish I had some idea of what to do, but I know it's only time before he finds out and then I'll have to run and leave forever, and I know in my heart that once I do that I'll never come back.
Damnit, I don't mean to sound so fucking melodramtic, it's just for me personally depression and everything didn't matter when I didn't have anything to lose. But now I do it's a billion times worse than I've ever imagined. It's like nothing else I've known... I don't know. Sometimes the right words just don't come.