|Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.|
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?
Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
|08 Jul 2004||fuckingdickhead arsehole cockidiotbitch dickfucking dtoitretardb||I truly wish someone could help me with this...
In a way they do, and for that i thank mouchette and her sight... but as one person I talk with said they can only help me as much as they can, they can't stop the world from turning around.
I don't know why I am writing this, to tell the truth. These past few days have been hard and there's something I need to get off my chest.. i don't know.
I was never close to my father... he's three-to-four times my age (I'm seventeen), and when I grew up he seemed so old and out of touch with the world that we never became close. I have so many perfect brothers and sisters anyway. But recently he has tried to help me so much. I love him. I don't care. He offers to pay for things that he doesn't believe in, he fakes interest in my school work just to help me along, he really tries and to me that's what counts. That counts more than anything else in the world. It doesn't matter that he's out of touch. I love him and we are truly 'friends' dispite all the fucked things that I've done. But that bring me to the worst thing. I've recently stolen his c.c. detail and I spent so much money over the net... I don't even know why I did it.. I just did. And then I did it again. And again, and again and again. I know all the love and trust that we have built up will be destroyed, just by this one thing. No, I take that back, because it's not just 'one' thing.. man, i don't know why, but I seem to fuck up every time. And every time I think that somehow I'm smarter or "better" than I was before.. of course, I'm not, i don't even need to add that really. You know all the things I mean; doing drugs, hanging wiht the cool people, all that crap. And now just at hte point when I begining to realise how truly valuable the few things I have left really are I go and fuck it up completely again. What THE FUCK is wrong with me?! I feel tear burning at my eyes, not out of self pity, but for the one truly beutiful thing I have and the fact I'm going to lose it.
I have to run away, but that will hurt him even more. I don't know what to do... I wish.. i don't know. I truly wish I had some idea of what to do, but I know it's only time before he finds out and then I'll have to run and leave forever, and I know in my heart that once I do that I'll never come back.
Damnit, I don't mean to sound so fucking melodramtic, it's just for me personally depression and everything didn't matter when I didn't have anything to lose. But now I do it's a billion times worse than I've ever imagined. It's like nothing else I've known... I don't know. Sometimes the right words just don't come.
|08 Jul 2004||angel of darkness||im 13 years as i write this, but when anyone reads this ill be 14. when some people think about their b-day---a party starts to form in their head. thats only some. for me- when i saw my b-day on the calender i thought- 'oh great, another shitty year come and gone'. for how long ive been thinking this--well i really dont know. there may only be 13 years under my belt--but i still know more of some things than others. well let me tell you why im writing all this. when i was-oh about 3 years- my parents divorced after countless fights and arguments. my mom had full custody of me--my dad was an alcoholic/drugie. one day- i think it was close to christmas- mom said i ws never going to see her again- boy she was right. she put me up for adoption. my life has been hell ever since. some old lady adopted me. all she ever did was sleep, eat and yell. then one day she brought me to the store- i was about 5 or so- she left me for a while in the toy aisle. then this guy came up to me-took me outside and- oh i bet you can guess what happens next- he raped me in his car. he brought me to a local orphanage and said he found me on the streets. a few weeks later this fairly rich lady adopts me. i had the time of my life with her- until she got married to this drugged up fucking son of a bitch. whenever she would go out he would make me his 'slave for a day'. if i didnt do something right- he hit me- whether it be with the back of his hand or a baseball bat. after about 2 years the chic puts me up for adoption. then another old lady adopts me. i live with her until she dies- then i go live with her son who has a wife and 2 snot assed kids. i became socially isolated at the age of 8. ive lived with this family until about a year ago. although these last few years have been better than usual, the pain wont go away. 2 years ago is when i joined the unfortunate cutters society. everyday i would take a knife and dig it into my skin until it bled. why do you ask? because i need to feel the scream inside of me-i need to see the blood drop to the floor. one day i just decided to die. i wrote a note in which it said that i was sorry for leaving if anyone truly cared and that i slit my wrists. of course- the one min. out of the years that someone comes into my room just has to be then. they rush me to the ER. i was in there for a few months while i recovered. i did that 1 more time. the other 2 times i slit my throat and stabbed myself in the stomach. each time someone found me before i could die. now i write to you in a psychiatric ward. here i get to talk to a counsellor 2 times a day. im able to talk to the people here cause they know what its all like. and after about a month here ive been thinking. after 4 times or so of trying to kill myself- something much more powerful and mysterious has kept me here. why? i dont know. but i have found out that everyone has some sort of purpose- small or big. like this one very scared (of everything) boy down the hall tells me almost everytime i see him- everyday i thank god that youre there for me to talk to- and honestly it brings tears to my eyes after thinking about how much i can help him. that small of a thing is my purpose for now. and maybe one day all of humanity can find the inner peace that some have already found. life is a constant adventure that will never end. i hope none of you go through the shit i did. and if you do- just remember that there's always someone else in your corner too.|
|05 Jul 2004||Vincent||Since everyone else is telling they're stories, ill tell mine, to get some burdon off. Since none of you know me personaly, this will be remarkably easy compared to talking to a friend.
I never thought that i would become suicidal, i mean, i always said to myslef, there's always hope for happieness, and i belived it. But just recently, within the past 2 weeks, i've started to lose all the happieness that i once found in things, people and life in general. I used to like anime, games, and more, but none of that makes me happy anymore. About a month ago my friend had friends that i didnt hang out with, and i became friends with her, her name is Jessica, and shes the most beautiful, fun, amazing person i've ever met. i mean, we're so much alike, and im not thinking unrational here, we really are. And, well, i ahve a twin brother, and i've been competing with him for my whole life, and im sick of it. Me and him used to be fat, well, he isnt, hes skinny now, and running and weight lifting. Me, im starting to lose weight and looking better. The thing is, its ironic, because, just when things in life seem to be looking up (becoming friends with Jessica, losing weight, and other things) i start to get depressed. Last time at my friends hoouse, i ended up going in my friends basement and just sitting there in the dark, thinking, being depressed, away from the 4 other friends in the house and my twin that i hate to the point of thinking of killing him. but i dont think i will. Myself if anyone. She came looking for me, she noticed that i was acting different, not happy, talking, and being with everyone else. She asked me what was wrong and i told her Nothing was, and she naturally knew something was. If i was closer friends with "D" my best friend, i could tell him my problems, but because of my lack of trust in people, i dont tell him anything about the real me, inside.
She wants to help me, but i wont let her, i cant. How can i tell her that i love her, when shes flirting with my bro? I cant, and wont. But im not gonna go blaming my probs on the world, its no one elses fault except my own. If i do try suicide, im gonna do the wrists, i've been looking up the right ways of doing it online, and i like that way. Sounds, so, nice comepared to pills. I found THE most beautiful pick recently, titled "Sucicide" heres the site, Http://www.irresponsiblepictures.net/artpages/suicide.htm
Its the most beautiful thing ive seen. Sad, beautiful, and amazing at the same time. you prbably dont understand me, but oh well. I dont know if i'm gonna do it. I might. I dont think you should kill yourself if your considering doing it, but, its your decision. I cant stop you, im a hypocrit. If you want to know good ways, just go to a search engine, and type "Suicide+effective+ways" and you should get plenty of ways.
|29 Jun 2004||Tom||With "life", it's good to achieve things, certainly, and to be a success, meet all the pressures the world puts on you... but I also really think that you don't need to be "justified" by success to be allowed to exist.
Think of flowers... people like them, we see beauty and innocence in them... they're harvested, sold, drawn, photographed, "consumed" and valued by our society. But think of the millions of wild flowers that exist out in the world that no one will ever see, no one "consumes" or ever knows about. This doesn't make them useless. They are perfectly allowed to exist, to be what they are without any justification. They're free to breathe and grow and "be" for their own sake.
I'm not trying to say human life is exactly the same, but I think it does form a significant element of our existence. This is not just a concession for "losers", it's a fact of life and don't think the most successful person will feel complete unless they realise this to at least some degree.
I'm sure you'll find "reasons" and "uses" one day. You probably already have a few... but you've got all the time you want to wait, to see. Time can drag on and seem so slow, and then all of a sudden things are changing really quickly.
I don't know if this helps, but as an example: When I was 21 I was on social security, doing kind of humiliating "work for the dole" government programs. I didn't have an tertiary qualifications that made me employable (had done a certificate in IT for a year). I just couldn't do anything, I was going no-where.
I scraped into uni the next year, managed to do ok with marks for once (a big change from high-school!), and then ended up with an industry placement. My employer now pays my university fees and gives me a wage, has moved me half way across the country, pays for flights to here and there. Soon I'll be finished my degree and have experience in an industry where I can expect earn quite a lot of money (not that that is the most important thing).
What's more, I'm actually glad in a way that I spent some time down in the dumps in no-mans-land, because I can relate to people like yourself a little, and when I tell the little "success story", I can actually feel 100% sincere. Things did get better for me... and I had gone as far as writing the goodbye note.
I've realised that time is rarely wasted - you always learn something, even if that is "merely" what it feels like to fail, how hopeless it can be.
Best of luck,
|28 Jun 2004||You Don't Need to Know||When I was a teeny little child I was molested by my dad. Yep, then told mom and the children's aid society came and aided me. Soon however, since my mom's a selfish, religous, and stupid person. I almost ended up on the street. But anyways then soon she got married to this bastard and he was always accusing me of being a slut and useless. All this shit lead to him choking me and almost killing me, only to have my mom come home and not believe me. Then I found myself a boyfriend who loves me dearly, only to have me cheat on him and end up having a group of girls on my ass, threatening to kick my ass and kill me and such. I was hit on a couple occasions. Anyways, then my school grades started to drop and I almost failed everything, only to fail everything the next year. All through my senoir years-grades 11 and 12-I was picked on everyday being called a slut and hoe and such til one day I dropped out. Ya very sad anyways I've been seeing a shrink for the last 2 years and it helped a little. I've tried to kill myself three times. But now I just smoke pot and drink and do other drugs and sleep in everyday. I don't talk to a lot of people and now I'm not so depressed. Because people disappoint you and drugs make you happy. This is the answer.|
|28 Jun 2004||"jimmie"||i have only read the first page of responses and already i am envious of you all. i wish i knew the reason(s) for my suicidal ideations as many of you seem to. i don't hate my family, i love them and i know they love me. i am not truely alone and my presence does not hurt the ones i love.
i wish i had the answers that many of you seem to have to your feelings of worthlessness and isolation. many of you know the cause of you worries, which means you know what to fix. i don't know what is broken in me. i don't know where to begin the repairs. all i know is the gloom that lingers above me. the fog that permiates my mind and the clouds that shadow my sun.
i am going to be 24 this year, am a fulltime college student and full time nurse (on a psych unit). for those of you who are younger than me and who seem to have incite into your depression and suicidal ideations, take them seriously. do not wait to get help when you are older it will be harder to fix. fix the problems, no matter how complicated they may be for you are the lucky ones you have the equation in front of you now all you have to do is solve for 'x'.
if you are oldre than me and you seem to know the cause of your pain you are one step ahead of me, so try and correct them.
i only wish i had insite into the abyss which i am continually looking into!
|28 Jun 2004||Cheng||i had problem in my family my parents alway fighted and had argument. just only mom that i had. 1 day she died. i felt like i had nothing left i commited suicide when i was 13 by taking something for cleaning the bathroom. actuallly i supposed to use gun but i didn't know how to put the bullet in. unlucky i am still alive thats why you can see my message here. after that i rarely thinking about suicide but i never did it again as i want to see how my life is gonna end up even i have lots of pain in my mind and i want to leave it so bad.|
|26 Jun 2004||kate||It is funny to think that on this tiny planet this species called human eats breathes and feels for no apparent reason at all.
Religion that promises happiness for a gamble, and having many slot machines that say enter your quarter here, time, talent and treasure, and you will win an afterlife, all saying the same thing, leaves all of us right back where we started, useless and alone. Because they cant all be winners, there wouldnt be so many casinos if there is only one that leads the true way.
I also think that when anyone leaves the humongous machine of society that we are all in, to think for themselves, they fall right down into that pit of easy way out called suicide because they dont know what to do with themselves, they dont feel of use (Cider House Rules)
I have sacrificed everything I have wanted so I could baby-sit my boyfriend going through manic depression, schizophrenia, and masochism. This also means happiness too. In the process I have left all chance of escape to go back to that comfortable world of having others make my decisions, behind me. Life isnt easy anymore, and I made that decision for him I guess being a recovering catholic, martyrdom appealed to me. I spent five months carrying him through his worst time, when he would come home from work, buy a couple of forties, drive away from his parents house, and drink by himself until he would blackout up the street. He then would come back home and cut himself. Sometimes he would show me the scabs under his handkerchiefs, sometimes he wouldnt. He would call me every two to three days for sex, and when I would talk to him about the way he was treating me, he would talk to me of suicide.
Every time I would beg for him to not to slit his throat, for me and for him.. I told him the usual, that he was being selfish. I told him that he should talk to someone, and I would cry and flip out for him, a big dramatic act until he had his fill of attention, and then he would finish the cycle hanging up on me so I would call him back and make sure he hadnt hurt himself.
One day I couldnt do it anymore. I was making him worse. He was getting weaker and weaker in his decisions with no consequences, and I was carrying him on my back. So I told him. He was so full of his self pity that there wasnt any room for me anymore in his life. That making the choice to kill yourself or not to is a day by day choice you have to make, not once and its over, and that HE was going to have to weigh things out and make those choices himself. He hung up and I didnt call him back. I wrenched at myself, crying at work and tearing myself to pieces for him.
That night he talked to me over the computer and told me he had a sawed off shotgun. I told him this time it was his decision. He signed off and I called his parents. His mom asked if I had any more information because she was committing him to a psych-center, and I said no.
The next night the emo-of a boy wrote in his live journal, like any person craving negative attention. He wrote anonymously to me that he had been committed and he would miss my birthday. His indie friends would all wonder who this girl was, and comment like they were a part of it, you could tell they had no clue and didnt care, just wanted to be a part of the action.
On Saturday he called and said I had saved his life, that he didnt shoot the gun but went downstairs and told his parents, and when he was taking a shower, blacked out and cut himself too deep, was rushed in to ER, and checked in for 24 hour evaluation.
Visiting him was like being underwater, it was raining that day and I was in shock still. I had written enough to prepare myself for the worst, but seeing his mother struggle with him like I had been doing, arguing and pleading, shocked me until I was submersed. I had started smoking a month before to deal with the headaches, and although I didnt want to smoke in front of his mother, joined him in smoking a cigarette on the psyche-wards patio.
He has slowly come out of it, and it had been like watching one of those movies you know, where the shell shocked soldier comes home from the war to his sweetheart, but you and she knows that the situation has changed, he has changed, and this terrible sadness will always be there.
A year has past and I think the scariest part about this is crying myself to sleep at night listening to my parents argue, and then ten years later hear my boyfriend and I having the same argument. All for the sake of "love"? ...
No, because neither of us can cope with changing our lifestyle. These cycles humans tend to put themselves in keep them running in circles around this earth, looping and weaving like the planets and tides and geometric patterns found in nature itself never get us anywhere but keep us living.
In a perfect world I could go live like an Indian, today that would be called going homeless. If I had to hunt for my food everyday, build myself a shelter, and find a mate to try to talk to and communicate with I wouldnt have time to think about suicide. And the thing is, Indians made up for their loneliness by giving trees and animals spirits.
Conformity is always going to be among us, even conforming to the idea that you want to be different. Being unique is the only way out of it, and anyone that is finding it hard to fit in with where they are placed, I salute you. You were born with a gift and a different way of thinking. That isnt a bad thing, all you have to do is have a horrible ego and you could turn into an artist, just add some type of creativity in there somewhere.
Interaction with people is going grow, with cell phones and overpopulation, but the truth is human beings are lonely; they are meant to be lonely and always will be. No God, no religion, no cycle can fix that.
Make it all end because I cant fit in, doesnt cut it for me. I struggle with suicide everyday, but I dont give in. Those illiterate assholes that comment here, calling you pussy, etc, have struck a chord but for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way. It is a decision, and a lot of people go through it. All adults do.
If you have the strength to consider suicide, then you have the strength to fight it. Its a Catch 22. Exercise writing out the reasons why you would want to commit suicide, the fact is, you will find a good solution to all of them if you try hard enough. There is this weird balance to life, where every irrational number, every problem, is paired with a rational solution. Make that the filler, the drive to get you out of this. There is a solution, and struggling to find it is going to get you out of the drowning hole, slowly filling up with water.
This works for me, and hopefully it works for you. Talking about it so you dont have to hide like a lowlife and actually understand that others go through this crap everyday is a step. I mean, look at this website? Pretty crazy others are as attention craving as you huh?
Well, right now I have to go break up with this boy who has put me in a position to act against my own morals and what I deserve. It is going to be hard, but I will gain so much from this experience, maybe one more lesson that makes living battling suicidal tendancies a little easier.
|26 Jun 2004||Giving_advice||I have to say that one thing that has appauled me is alot of people stating that it is impossible to go through shit by the time you are 13. True, I have never been someone who has considered suicide as an option, but when I was 10, I lost both my parents in a car accident. Due to the nature of my parent's marriage, both of their families had disowned them! As a result, I found myself living with people who didnt even care that I existed. I am now 17 and trying to make the most of what is left of my life, and am happy that the worst is over.
But to clarify, the years after the death of my parents were complete hell, and I pulled through. It is possible for children to have a hard time too. I even recently had to have an operation, as I had a tumour, with no support given by my 'family'. I'm still here.
I agree that suicide is THE most SELFISH thing that you can do! you will ALWAYS have someone who cares about you-no matter what! can you imagine how it would make you feel if they were thinking the same thoughts as you?
The best way I can put it is that it's your life, and you have every right to star in it.
|23 Jun 2004||lace||Iv been thinking about suicide for so long, but i never go through with it. Im so unhappy in my life, im at college but i cant seem to get on with the work and even if i try so hard i always fail my exams. My mum always shouts at me, tells me im useless,and that im never at home, which is crap, i spend most of my time sat on the internet trying to find someone to talk to. Its not that i dont have friends, its quite the opposite, but non of them really understand how i feel, and mostly just tell me to get over it. My bf is unhappy because he thinks me being like this is somehow his fault. I cant stand to see him like it, and its tearing us apart. I drink alot, i sit on my own watching the television and just drink for hours. I dont want to die, its something that scares me more than anything, but i cant carry on living like this. I feel like living is making everyone else miserable, my mum cries all the time, and blames her own unhappyness on me. It really gets me down and i wish there was something i could do to stop me causing all this pain. Is suicide my only way out?|
|23 Jun 2004||dee||I'm not 13, but I have been dealing with so many problems that I am ready to give up with life. What is so great about it anyways, i'm suffering right now. It's like when your grandma is so old and sick and she is suffereing, everyone knows in their minds that it is better for her to go so that she no longer suffers. That is how I feel. I feel like grandma. I am only 21, but i feel like I am 97. I do have the strength of a 21 year old, but my stress level and mind is like that 97 year old which wears down my strength to try. For the past 9 years I have been a FUCK up. I mean I have made so many wrong decisions that I just keep getting in trouble or pushed back with life. I hate it. I decided that after I get that call from my insurance company regardless of the result. I am going to do what I planned. I am ready. I am tired everyone telling me that I never learn. I tried to look at the good sides by reading the cards my girls and sister gave me for my graduation. It helps but not enough. I know they see potiential in me. But I don't. All I see is a fuck up. Someone who just makes the wrong decisions. So in 3 days I will finally be relieved from all the stress and suffering.|
|19 Jun 2004||Krysti K||I am not under 13. I am 3x's that age. I grew up in group homes when my mother died and never thought i would make it to 35. Now thats just around the corner and I have made up my mind that waiting all this time is fruitless. I'm going to do it in the next few days because life is bleak. Im a loser with no career, no job, no light at the end of the tunnel, one family member that is selfish, (guess you could say that about me too) and a fiance who is clueless no matter how much I tell him I am hurting and need him. Its too late for me....hope not for you. Oh and my shrink of 3 years gave me her cell phone number which I will not use cuz i dont want anyone to know and find me in time. I'm relieved it will all be over soon.|
|17 Jun 2004||heather||hi, i am 15 and i have been sucidal for 3 years now. i done every drug you can think of, and i m a cutter. i feel as if this world that i live in is not reality anymore. i have no feeling and no emotin for anything or anyone. i was with a guy for 26 months. even no he was 4 years older than me we were perfect together. about a month ago he told me that he had slept with my best friend. that broke my heart and i was already suicidal. when i had found this out i sat down to think and the best thought that came to my mine was death. i was already really unhappy and the fact that i had just lost my boyfriend and my bestfriend in day just set it off.i sat down and i wrote letters to all my close friends and my parents. 3 days later i planned to do it. i cleaned everything i put all of my clothes in boxes and was ready for death. my ex-boyfriend mark had noticed that i was acting alittle strange and ask me what was goin on with me and i told him that was not happy and that i wouldnt have to worry about it in a few days. and he told me that she wanted to hang out. so the night i was goin to do it i went to his house and we talked for like 6 hours. i went home that night and i was ok withit still and i was ready to die. so i sat down and i slit my wrist and took a whole bunch of pills. for some reason mark came back over came back over and found me half dead. he took me to the hospital. 4 days later i was releast for the hospital and i got home and i wanted to die more then anything. i felt as if i was so much of a disappointment to everyone that i should not live adn i should show my face anywhere again. my ex boyfriend mark came over that day and he has been here ever since its going on 26 day and he hasnt left once with out me. i i dont no what i would do it i had the chance to be alone.|
|13 Jun 2004||ryan-beth||the first time i can clearly remember wanting to die i was 7. i saw something on tv and the person said that if you wanted something bad enough u could will it to happen. i immediately went to my room, layed in bed and tried to will myself to die. i have tried other things throughout the years also.i tried slitting my wrists. that landed me 3 months in the psych ward. pills i tried several times and just got sick for days. tried to hand myself and the poll in the closet broke. i am now 24. the last time i tried i was 17. i spent 10 years trying to end my life. only the last time there was something i didnt know...i was pregnant.i had tried to slit my wrists again. now i have 3 kids. i do still have times where i think of suicide. think everyone would be better off without me. then i realise how many people would be lost with out me. especially those 3 kids. they are worth living for, they are my life. i had a horible life. that is now ok. you never know what is comming in your future. so choose wisely. death may solve your problems but only creates more for others.|
|10 Jun 2004||ronny-ron||im not even under thirteen. (girl called "Beccy" email me if u want. i cant get urs 2 work sorry) anyway im seventeen. i feel this shit all around me, pressing in on me everyday. There's no relief, just the same thing everyday. There's no change, no love for me. All i have is my room and greyness surrounding me. This isn't natural. No one should feel like this. i pretend that i'm happy and no one knows i'm not. perhaps they dont care. i have been living at home since i was fifteen, doing home school. Surely they must realise somethign is worng. Why the hell do i hide in my room every day? i cant even talk to my friends anymore. To be honest i dont know why im writing this. i guess it's good to get it off ur chest.
How did it start? When i was thirteen and began smoking pot. When ur young that shit fucks wiht ur mind. it is the worst drug in the world. it has damaged me, but in such a way that no one notices except me. Now i can even defend myself. if someone calls me a name i just look away. If someone tells me to fuck off i just go. I become really hurt to, but i cant say anything. If i meet someone face to face that i don't know like the back of my hand i become terrified. My mind freezes i'm that scared. I'm also failing at my school work. i dont care about it that much, ubt my family all think i am normal and smart, when i'm really brain dead and fucked-up. I want to be an author, but everyone around me tells me that's impossible. No one makes enough money to survive from what they right! Holy fuck, as i want to hear that! i just want to curl up into a ball and die. i feel tears welling up in my eyes becuase i realise how fucked i am and how it's never going to be better. I mean, we all know it! everyone here knows that this shit just presses around you worse every day. You say go on antidepressents? You have no idea how much shit my family would give me if i did that! They would tease me every moment fo the day. My mum would check the amount of pills every hour in case i took one extra. They woudl ask 'if i'd taken my happy pills yet?'
fuck that. that would make my life ten times worse. all i want to do is write, but even that is forbidden to me.
|07 Jun 2004||sucidalmonkey||" get over it" you have no fuckin clue so go screw your self!!!!
I am 16 and i am an adopted kid of this old lady who says she cares but puts me to work like a slave. She even calls me that sometimes her "slave" so don't tell us shit ok? "get over it", were you too afraid to give your email address ?????????????????
|27 May 2004||Kat||Well shit where do i start ???... I cannot remember a time where there was happiness in my life. Since I can remember I have some kind of abuse in my life. I remember when I was three (yes three) my father making my mother stay up with me while he made me sit on the potty because I wet the bed. My mother fell asleep and I remember him beating her...
My mother never wanted a daughter, she only wanted sons. Well I have 4 brothers I am the only girl. She tryed to kill me as a child and was hospitalized two times. My mother ended up putting me and my two brothers in Foster homes where I lived for 7 years, till the age of 13. My father was the one who took us out of foster care system. It took him 5 years to find out where we were.
Well you think it would get better for me but it turned into a living hell, being beaten , raped, told you are ugly stupid, being told no one will ever want you, I thought so many times through out the years about kiling myself, I tried a few times, taking pills, but always woke up (damn!). I left home for a little while and ended up getting pregnant , my father threatened the guy and i ended up moving back with him (my father) where i lived with my daughter until i was 21. The day he treatened to hurt her, I left my car and my things and moved to cali. Well, things over the years never seemed to get better , more abuse and put down more, I am told I am stupid, no good, fat , no one will ever love me or want me. My current b/f has abused me so much i feel worthless, broken noses to busting my ear open, to my head broke open, smashing everything in my home, I ask him to go but he stays, he does not work or help me, I am supporting 4 people on an 8 dollar an hour income, i am to the point were I can not take it anymore. I hate my life and everything. I look at my children and feel so heart broken that they live in poverty, without food or money, bills piled up, because this asshole will not go, the police came here and told him to leave but he waited two hours and came back , said " honey i'm home " never left. I live in my house like a prisoner, no family or friends, no one to help me, my children would be better without m , they can live with their father, (well my son's father) he has money, a nice house, he can take care of them.
I am sorry for not being the person people want me to be, I am honest caring, never been in trouble with the law, i work 4 plus hours a week and take care of everything , but it seems it is not good enough ,
i am tired of trying ,
Thank you for letting me write here ,
peace out ,
I am in a living hell what more is there?
|26 May 2004||I_want_a_shoulder_to_cry_on||Everyday I look at myself and laugh. I look in the mirror and want to smash it up because the reflection tears up my insides. I look at my body line at the over hanging bits of skin here and there. I cry at those. I seem to be close enough to tears everynight now. From the days when I would come home and pose in the mirror now I look with hatred. Around a month ago I found out that my life was over. in my head this is. So now everyday without fail I cut some place on my body to remind myself and to let a little bit of the dead me out. When I bleed I smile as I am satisfied and happier with the outcome. My wrists have become my main target area over the past few days, I get a real thrill when I see a mark on them because I know I got that nearer giving up to be happy. I look for a shoulder to cry my painfree tears away but no one comes to my rescue. As I look around the people seem to get further and further away. When I die you will get back into view and I will remember you all - because I want to be the person I was yesterday. the person I was when I was happy. So cut your wrists if you want to die. that's were my happiness begins.|
|21 May 2004||Brittney||Well I'm only 14.. but let me tell you suicide isn't that easy. I mean I'm going through so much right now I just want to die!!! And your prolly thinking OmG ur not only hurting urself but ur loved ones... what if i have no loved ones.. or nobody to care.. exactly. I just I need a way to kill myself. I tried pills i took 40 then i went to sleep it doesn't work i just woke up and was really sick and had to go to the hospital... I ended up injuring my liver tho.|
|18 May 2004||cody||hey im really sorry about the letter i wrote on november 9th 2003 i said all of that shit about killing my self but now iv figured out that it wasnt everyone around me that was making me like that i didnt really think about it but now i know that it is just fuckin retarded to kill your self so please dont do it know matter who you are there is always someone who loves you and would hate to see you die so just think about it not just once or twice think of all the good things in your life try skateboarding thats what i did and it stopped me from trying to kill my self cause i actually was having fun and i had no time to think of all the bad memories cause i was making good memories|