Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

Nom/email
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
15 Mar 2004 Hmmm... Alright.. you all have wrote a little bit about your life... here's some of mine..(im over 13. im 17)

To cut a long story short..

I wont go into reasons why Im suicidal i dont see why i should tell you, Its my stuff, no one needs to know.

I was in a 'hospital' because I had been suicidal for a while. I didnt have anything to live for, im guessing you all know the feelings that are inside and how much some one hurts when they're suicidal?. I learnt never to trust anyone, the only person I could truely talk to, was myself, I met Shane, In the hospital he was there for the same reasons, we clicked, it took us 4 months to actually talk to each other and realise that we could trust each other, he was the only reason i was alive, I was the only reason he was alive, but we both had bi-polar (manic depression) and paranoid shizophrenia, it was hard seems we both had it, it got really crazy sometimes, it was kinda hard dealing with self harm too, but we made it as long as we were 2gther, but as all suicidal people no, u cant get rid of the feelings, he got too depressed one night, he wasnt thinking straight... he OD on Acetaminophen..... (paracetamol) LD-50 (mg/kg) 338 oral, 500 i.p./Generally Takes Bout 2 Weeks 2 Die, Usually In Great Pain From Kidney And Liver Failure... he was in a coma for 3 weeks.
When he came around because of the time the pills had been inside him before he had his stomach pumped, his memory was really bad, he couldnt remember anything since octbober, he couldnt remember me, He thought he hated me, every time I would see him he would freak out at me and hit me, He was given 4 weeks to live, because of his liver.. i had to stand around and watch him slowly die and not even talk to him, all im trying to say by postin this if, if ur really want to die, do anything but OD, then if it doesnt work.. other people dont have to suffer too, fine u wonna die, i totaly understand that, just dont take anyone else down with you..
15 Mar 2004 fiona hi im 14 and have tried to commit suicide 8 times but evey time some bastard has to keep me alive!
ive tried

1. slitting my throat (bled alot thought i was dead but i woke up in hospital craddled in my moms arms)

2. swallowed 100 paracitamol (puked alot my mate called 999 and i had my stomach pumped)

3. tried hanging myself on the hook of my door (mate came in with my mom and cut the rope i was revived by my mom)

4. cut all my veins in my arms (my cousin walked in to tell me dinner was ready and called my mom i pumped full of blood in hospital)

5. it was my other suicidal mates idea to eat frozen meat get food poisoning bad and die( just made me puke and shit alot)

6. jumped from the 4th floor of flats (broke my collar bone and was in a coma for 3 weeks)

7. i tried drowning (my mom walked in when i was unconscious she revived me and give me a 4 hour lecture on how much it hurts her to see me do this)

8. and finally i got my mate to tie a air tight bag over my head (but when i fell unconscious she thought i was dead and took the bag off and told my mom what happened so my mom tried to revive me and guess what bad luck for me, it worked)

my mom keeps a constant eye on me now as she knows how i am. i have been put on tablets to help me as they think i have a mental problem but i will try again could you give me away to do it? im getting fed up of waking up.
email me at wildkitty2002uk@hotmail.com
15 Mar 2004 sarah f I am not 13 - i am turning 21 this year but i have been severely depressed for the last 5 years. i had done the overdosing of pills and ya - it is completely useless - you still wake up. i would also be called a cutter because that in my opinion is the best solution to pain - it is immediate. i live a good life, with good girlfriends, great parents and the best pets in the entire world. When i started cutting, i have just lost my best friend and boyfriend and i didnt know what to do other than cry and in anger i took a knife out and cut over 200 times into my arms. My parents found out so when i continued i kept it secret - the cuts got very deep and i still look at the scars and i feel nothing. The suicide attempts and episodes of cutting i am sure will continue until the day i die. I constantly hope i am killed in a car accident or murdered or whatever. For the people (like me) who want to die more than anything in the world i'll tell you what keeps me here: i can't abandon my cat and dogs - they need me; i couldn't be responsible for the pain my parents would feel for the rest of their lives and that's it. I am scared because i think and my best friend who just ditched me is sure that i will succeed when i really decide to do it. If you are at all unsure, wait it out - you can kill yourself when you are 30 if that is when you actually become sure - there is no rush. I had to tell someone this so thank you!
10 Mar 2004 Zack Hello, I'm not sure exactly why I'm writing here... It really doesn't seem like my sort of thing to get sympathy from random internet people. But since I found this site I might as well tell my story. About a year and a half ago I tried to kill myself. I took a full bottle of bayer asprin and half a bottle of rum (knowing alcohol and asprin don't mix). I had consumed a large amount of asprin and a fair amount of alcohol within about 10 minutes. Not long after I had started to question what I had just done, but then figured it was all for the best and would be worth it in the long run. I decided to go to sleep and expected not to wake the next day. I woke up at 12:00AM as scared as I had ever been. Not only because I felt weird, but because I wasn't dead. I lied in bed for about an hour wondering what was going on inside my body, when I decided to get up and get a glass of water so I could maybe fight off what I had just done. Soon after I was vomiting heavily. I made sure not to leave a mess so no one would find out, and then I went back to bed. I surprised myself a 2nd time when I had woken up once again. There was an intense ringing in my ears that I wasn't sure would go away, and it felt like someone had beat me up then drugged me. Supposedly I have made a full recovery (from the attempt at least) but I'm not sure, because I never ended up going to the hospital or ER, so I may very well have permanent damage, but it's not seeming likely. I still have to tell anyone about this besides my close friend that I just recently started talking to again. The reason I ended up here is because my "depression" seems to have come back. I thought I had got over this about half a year ago; I would constantly make sure not to let myself feel bad. But yesterday morning I woke up and it's back. And this time I can't get over it as quickly and simply as I normally do. The truth is, I found this site by searching for the simplest method to commit suicide since I hated my previous/non-working method. While typing this I've been continuing my search and have found a couple sites. But since I found this one I figured I might as well give this a shot too. I don't really know what to expect in replies, and I also don't think this will effect me but.. Well that's my story...
09 Mar 2004 Krista I've visited this site every few months to read about everyone else and I felt it was my time to contribute. In high school, I was "perfect." I was one of the best students, I played alot of sports, I chaired organizations, had lots of friends and was actively involved in community service. I got into one of the best colleges in the country and that's where I am now. And I'm fucking miserable. I've always felt depressed since I was a child but could never talk about it to people but for some reason I think telling it to strangers will help. My heart goes out to everyone who lives such rough lives, I'm sorry that you all had to go through such terrible things. And on the outside, everyone always thought that I had a great life but no one really knew what was going on on the inside. And now at college I'm finally breaking down. I haven't done any work all year. I haven't gone out. The doors open, I'm smiling; the door's closed, I'm crying. I don't know why I've never been happy. I've had shit happen to me like everyone else. But I don't think that's why. And I've never been able to talk to anyone about it. I've never told anyone the things of my past, maybe because I'm ashamed. I've never told anyone I've contemplated suicide and now I want to. Life sucks.
02 Mar 2004 Issued Girl well, im not under 13, and i dont know the best way to kill urself when ur under 13, but i do have a story. im a 15 year old girl, and i have been suicidal since i was about 7 years old. my mom and dad would always fight non stop when i was young and when i was 6 they got in a huge fight and my dad moved out. then shortly after my 7th birthday he committed suicide. ever since then, my mom hasnt been there for me, shes beaten me, she actually has tried killing me... when i was about 12 she tried killing me. she tried stabbing me, and it worked. she stabbed my arm, because i moved. but ever since i was 7 and my dad died, i have been a loner in the family, and everyone would hit me and hurt me all of the time. they all call me names and things and i have nothing to use against them. ive tried killing myself numerous times, and ive been popping pills since i was 12. everyday i think about killing myself, im failing my classes because i dont have the ability to focus anymore. ive had 3 people in my life commit suicide and ever since that third person did it, ive felt it was my turn. i pop pills about twice a week sometimes only one and then i will try to cut myself and just watch it bleed for a lil while. ive tried hanging myself one time, and i have tried slitting my throat a few times.
What i think is, is that if your under 13 you dont need to die or commit suicide. youve got your life ahead of you, live it well... you only get one chance. I know im not a great person to be taking advice from but trust me ive been told millions of times that i shouldnt commit because ive got my life ahead of me...
23 Feb 2004 omen Firstly slitting your wrists is painful, slow and ineffective. If you live (which is very likely) you may have only succeeded in cutting off some of the functions in your hand. Secondly, Suicide is not the only answer. even though it seems that way at the time. I have had suicidal thoughts for about six years now, contimplating it to the point of planning it. I was boulimic, and highly anxious. Getting out of the house was a terrifying thought, I would have to prepare myself for about half an hour before i left home, even to go to school. I quit all the sports I was doing, I cried myself to sleep, and the only time I could feel any real emotion was when I hurt myself. My parents know I was unhappy, well mum does anyway, but they have no idea about anything else. I cut myself but only enough to not leave a scar so as I could still hide it. Two years of throwing up almost everything I ate was really taking its toll on me, I read that it was some sort of avoidance behaviour. I don't know. But slowly things started to change for me. I got into uni, and have now almost finished my degree. All of these feelings of invisibility, and worthlesness, come back now and again, but I'm dealing with them differently. there is hope. Just give it time.
16 Feb 2004 Sara I am a 14 yr old girl with many problems, yes, i have tried killing myself numerous times! I know it is a sick and painful pleasure of all of ours.... i dont know why i still do it. I am failing in skool, and i cant even concentrate on my social abillities. It is impossible for me to function in an everyday life. Why do i feel this way you ask? One reason, is because of my 39 yr old father. He is an alcoholic, and a drug addict. Always been, always will be... he messed up my life completely.. he told me empty promises, beat me, every imaginable way. Another reason i am like this is mainly because of my ex boy friend... he now lives in Florida but when we were younger he lived next door. We met when we where only 2! Our mothers where best friends. We did everything together. About 2 yrs ago when i was only 12... he hit me, constantly... that was his way of letting out his pain. Then one day, he got me pinned in a corner, and he went to hit me, and well i hit back out of rage. That's when he started cutting me. He wanted to commit suicide but he was such a coward that he tried to kill me! He slit my wrists, the back of my knees, and slightly scratched, but enough to make me bleed... he would slit my neck, or try my throat. He used to burn me with his ciggs... he used to cut my hair down to my scalp! I hated him... One day i went up to this hill we have by my house that all the kids hang out at.. i went up there with a blanket and my lunch... a little while after he went balistic on me... anyways he followed me... he came up to me with a gun... he said to me if i didn't strip, and fuck him that he would shoot me... in that place he had the gun to my head. I didn't want to die then, so i absoulutly had to do it... yes...... i was raped... and i will live with that pain for the rest of my life. Anyways i am older now, and more mature.. i have learned how to handle my disabllities. I was diagnosed with Asthma and Emphysema... along with Cancer.... i am a strong girl, with a long life to live... but i don't want to live with the hurt and sorrow both of these men have inflicted on my poor soul... i never told anyone this story except fpr my best friend, and my boyfriend... my NEW boyfriend... one that is wonderful. I don't know why i hurt myself, but my doctors say that i am not a "suicidal attempter" i am just a "cutter" meaning i cut myself just to make the pain go away, not to kill myself,... in other words no... i dont wish to die... i wish for the pain to go away... that's all. I dont see the reason in killing yourself... especially if you are under 13! That is sick.. but.. it all depends on how you feel... and i know i dont understand anyways problems here cause i dont know how they feel inside. i am learning to become my own shrink... lol.. pathetic yea i know.. but it is working...
15 Feb 2004 tricia i hear that suicidees go to hell or if they reincarnate, they will suffer 10 times worse than in their previous lifes. cos taking your own life is sin. i don't know. i do want to die so bad. it hurts too much to live but i do not know if it will hurt more if i died and went to hell instead of somewhere peaceful. that is why i am still here struggling, coping. i am 23 already. half of my life span is already gone. i find life extremely meaningless for me. i have tried to end my life several times in the past but it didn't work. it certainly isn't that easy to die as you had seen on tv shows or read from people had wrote about them slitting their wrist or downing many pills at one go. i talked to my mother the other day, i told her about my thoughts and that one day if and when she finds me dead on my bed, she should try, understand and forgive me. i think the best way to kill myself is cutting and slitting my wrist. it is actually quite difficult to cut. before you can even bleed your skin, you would be hurting and burning like hell already. i had tried a few times and i finally found a way to cut it deeper, make it bleed in a faster easier way. hmm... that's all i have to say. i pray that all of us who are feeling very troubled in here will be able to find some peace without trying to harm or kill themselves. i can't find my peace which i have been looking for a very long time. i really do not know how long i can stand this. but i'll try to cope as long as i can, whether it's an hour, a day, a week, a month or a year. good luck to everybody. i hope each of you find your own happiness one day.
11 Feb 2004 WVDistressedWoman Well, I'm not under 13 but, anyways, I'm 19, goin on 20 and I've been suicidal ever since I was 6 yrs old. When I was 6, I tried jumping off of a train, the guy stopped me and it was all because I didn't want to live and today it feels like I still don't. Well, the problems are my mother was sick all the time and my dad was a drug addict and my dad liked beating on my brother because he wasn't his biological son and his dad died in a car wreck when he was 4 ys old. People come to think that my mother and I was something that we're not. I didn't know what to do, I mean, I would sit in the upstairs reading collegeiate books and I was the one who would take care of the cleaning of the place. My brother would just go to the neighbors to eat. My dad, when I was 4 yrs old, he starved me, mom wasn't able to get up. Later on, in the years, I began using drugs and everything, had to learn to cook around 9 yrs old, I began drinking, popping cold medicine pills, smoking marijauna, and then I even would burn myself sometimes and do things unintentionally, it was called MS, the worst depression there is and there's nothing anyone can really do about it. I've been through humpteen doctors and psychiatrists. People think I'm something that I'm not, I mean, I'm the nicest I can be to ppl but, they're all wrong and wanna judge and try to control me, like that one bastard a few yrs ago who tried breaking up my mom and dad for yrs and yrs, he went to hell, well, I hate to talk about this but I was jumped onto by too many ppl and he was one of them for being so jealous of all the friends I had and because he couldn't get my ass and now this pervert prick next door is doing the same thing, they're only doing it to themselves because they're the ones who are really fucked. Now, I think I'm straightening up my life, when I said right now, before I mean that's just how I feel on the opinion. I just feel that people should back off and whatever they're thinking and if it's that bad, they should keep it to themself and not say a bunch of idiocrisy rumors. It's just not right, I mean, I'm going to college, have a boyfriend, friends, and I work part-time, have hobbies, and always keep my hands busy by playing music, video games, or on construction and remodeling, just doing something. I mean, ppl don't actually know what that stuff does to ya, it will really mess ya up but, it's only up to you and it's not up to other ppl to get better, only you can do that, and don't pay attention to them idiots, that drives them even more mad or then they finally get the clue and as for some who don't, they only will when they're dead, I suppose.
06 Feb 2004 one very lost teenager I have no idea wat the best way to kill urself is. I'm only 14 years old and i already hate myself and the rest of the world. My family doesn't give a damn about me or what i think, and my friends have no clue whatsoever how unhappy i am. I spend every day, all day, thinking about doing drugs or committing suicide. Every day when i get home from school i walk in the kitchen, pull out a knife, and stare at it for like a half hour trying to decide whether to kill myself or not. I'm such a fricking coward that i don't even have enough guts to stab myself. I'll probably just end up becoming a drug addict or something. I really don't care anymore. My life just seems so useless.
23 Jan 2004 alannah i was reading everybody else's stories and thought to add my own. i am over thirteen, so soz. i am nearing 15, next week. i never imagined i'd make it this far. i have battled anxiety and depression for more than five years and the worst thing is my family wouldn't have a clue how bad it really is. i indulge in food to try and eat the pain away but it just makes me fat and more miserable. i wish i could stop the pain and i know i can. i have thought about it enough. but death is easy and living is the real hell. i am gutless and that's why i am still here and i have no clue why i'm writing this ... i wish i were brave enuf to die but instead i keep living through pain. why, i don't know and i don't if i ever will.
23 Jan 2004 Father in pain I'm a little shocked and scared to read some of what you are all saying. I found this site while looking for answers to my son's death. My 14 year old son took his own life, and it's a hurt that I simply can't understand, comprehend, and most of the time feel I can't live with. At 13, 14, 15, 16, whatever.... life is to be lived. If you are feeling like doing these things, run away, hide, go to a new city, live on the street, go to friend's houses, the hell with your folks if that's what it takes. Change your name, change your address, change whatever needs to be changed if it allows you to live, because all things this painful are truly temporary. The only thing that isn't temporary is death. It's permanent. It leaves a hole in the universe that nothing will ever fill for those around you. Suicide is permanent. It's not a dream, it's not a game, it's not a viable choice. Parents screw up. But because they're screwed up doesn't mean you have to be. I'm a parent, or was. I've screwed up. I'd give up my life to hold my son again, to hear his voice, to feel his touch for only a moment. Please, please.... do whatever it takes to make it through whatever shit is in front of you. Hurting people is fine, if it's temporary. You or they can always make amends later in life. But if you die, no one ever gets to say "I'm sorry." God, how this hurts to read, write, or think about.
22 Jan 2004 Elaine Billy, you were right. It's a monster.

I thought i was fine. Something about today broke me. I went to the back stall in the back bathroom after 1st period this morning and started crying. Only, this time i couldn't stop. The bell rang. People left. I cleaned myself up. I asked the nurse if i could go home. My stomach hurt. Saying nothing, she wrote me an off campus pass. I didn't need to worry about the attendance clerk, she murmered.
I'm home now, and for the past 9 hours I've cried myself into a weak ball of lazy submission.
There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not depressed. Dying is not my thing. But there's something about Today that broke me.
I'm only 16 and life is in every way grand. The moon is full and in the dark its light through my window embraces me like a warm streetlamp on winter's eve. Needs must be i am in every way marvelous magnificent and beatific. Tomorrow always grinning glorious. There was just something about today that broke me.
My eyes are swollen and my heart grows tired of struggling this way against gravity. Today is my last because tomorrow will be better.

good night.
i'm sorry.
06 Jan 2004 leanne hi i'm 16 so i'm not under 13 but i have been suicidal for that long. i've read what everyone else has written and it made me realise just how many people feel the same as me. some days i'm really high and everything is great, other times i'm depressed and just wanna hurt myself. sometimes i just wanna slit my wrists for the fun of it and watch the blood pour down my arm. i laugh at the thought of it but deep down inside i really wanna do it. i have a great life - well so it seems to others but my pain is deep down and it won't go away
21 Dec 2003 I hate you I did it! It's awsome!! The feeling of falling into a deep coma forever. The hopeless feeling that my neural functions are slowly ceasing to operate. I was in a hospital room, the doctor didn't say anything, but I am in a state of full awareness when they open my skull. It's unbelievable and very strange.

When they decide to operate on me to remove the blood chunk in my brain, they can't afford to loose me by using to much anesthetics by knocking out my heart beat completely... something to do with pons and medulla region... I heard everything with my eyes shut. I remember feeling like I was in my own of prison waiting to be freed. And strangely, there was no pain, or maybe there were... the pain didn't really matter at that point. I was ready to learn about every thing about neuroscience.
The doctors seemed professional, because I could not sense any emtions involved. They were like a very careful life saving butcher with artistical hands.

Fear is only another emotion that is constantly increasing... How much I wanted just stand up and scare the shit out of them. But I can't, powerless to move. Helpless, hopeless...

All of sudden I feel sorry, as I see out of corner of my eye and see a nurse, the only one there seem to have some human emotions dropped a tear... I remember my family, those waiting outside the room must feel ten times worse than that nurse I don't know.

I could choose right and then to fight or to let it go... but I felt so powerless to fight, afterall the reason I got myself into this situation is because I can't bare to take it any more. And I say to myself "this is not too bad, not as painful as I thought" Even though I wanted it short and painless, this took much longer than I thought. If I concentrate hard enough I could feel the pain... not like any pain I ever felt before, but a constant sensation that seemed very friendly. Yes, I thought the pain was like a guardian angel that travelled since the beginning of time. And I was fearing losing it, trying to grab on my sensation of pain forever.

I didn't see a tunnel of light, and everything was getting darker and feelingless. So I thought I was going to hell... but why feel so peaceful?

This is the second time... I might develop a sick fetish of killing myself imcompletely and letting people save me. They might lock me up one of these days, and my fear is, I won't even have control of my own life in this world. If I can't even decide how I wanted to live my life, then... what's the purpose of my existence.

Meaningless, life is to be, at least for me.

Part of me still wishes to be normal, and even very sociable on good days, feeling life is so beautiful. Part of me sees the reality, the ugliness of mankind, the stinks of this city of this planet, wishing the world be destroyed hundred times and cast into the sun. Wishing People stop pretending that their life have a purpose, hoping people remember from the time when we are born, we are waiting to die. We are just fucking animals covered flowery skin, wolves under sheep's clothing.
How many justifications do you see per day? How many lies do you hear per week? Layer upon layer, I wanted to fucking uncover all your layers. I want to expose all of you liars out there. I hate this fucking planet. I hate all of you. You fucking stink of worldly taste. Why do I have do it myself? If there is a God, help me to die, erase my life from this world, erase all of you who think the same way. Let the dogs live in a dog's world.
17 Dec 2003 Erica I have been depressed for five years now. i know that suicide is a western luxury, but sometimes i just wish there was no more tomorrow to worry about. Today has been bad, i have been crying all day, i know that i am probably being stupid as there are things in my life to look forward to. i would starve myself to death, but i am not allowed, i have been anorexic for the same five years and my parents admit me into hospitals when ever i stop eating. having to eat regularly and maintaining a normal weight is hell, on top of that i am depressed and some days can only manage to wake up, let alone function. i do want to die, but i also desperately want to live. what can i say, don't give up y'all, happiness is an illusion, i never believed in it and i never will. it is the trying that they call happiness, trying to stay sane and looking after others, that is a form of 'happiness'.
14 Dec 2003 MauvaisSouhait Days are getting shorter and even with knowing that, things seem tougher. Like there isn't an existence withouth some sort of difficult anxiety. Like when it's beautiful outside and you decide to take a walk and then it starts to rain. Or when you begin your walk and you trip and fall on something. You begin to bleed and see your life coming out of you. Slowly every bit of your existence is leaving. But it isn't much. You can wrap it up and get home in time to where nothing really happens. Or like.. when i'm smoking and i take a drawl and see the red lit part eat away at the paper... it's like my life is the cig. And then the pain takes a piece of me and eats away at me... and then i blow out the smoke and release some pain... like when i cut and release my pain. It's all the same. But will i ever get to the end of the cig? Will i ever take that last puff and breath out the very last bit of smoke... i wonder
14 Dec 2003 Steve Hey everyone. I haven't killed myself yet, but I fear I must do it soon. Too many troubles. Very few reasons to continue.

I'm surprised Mauvais isn't dead, as I recall her writing that she was going to do herself in the other day. Good for you, Mauvais. I hope you can find some true enjoyment in life and get past being suicidal. Even though I'll most likely end my life very soon, I wouldn't wish the same miserable fate upon anyone else.

I'd been seeing my doctor every once in a while over the past few months for depression. He put me on Zoloft and kept raising my dosage, until yesterday when he gave up on it and decided to refer me to a psychiatrist at the hospital for more specialized treatment because Zoloft didn't seem to help me at all. The psychiatrist put me on Effexor which is supposedly superior to SSRI drugs such as Zoloft. I have little faith in drugs though. Adjusting my mindset at this point would literally take a miracle, and I figure I'm doomed to commit suicide in the days to come.

What is the true objective of life anyways? Is there really any meaning to it? Are we anything but material beings only concerned with our possessions and physical beauty? I've come to believe that there is seemingly no objective or meaning in life, and we are only concerned with our own bottomless egos. People believe emotions such as love are sacred and apply true meaning to life, but is this the case at all? Sure, you may come to 'love' someone eventually, but when it comes down to it, is that 'love' based on anything more than PHYSICAL attraction? You may like their personality and intellect, but if they were extremely ugly or poor, you would no longer see them the same way. Let's face it, humanity seems pretty fucked. We can dance around the obvious as much as we like, but the only solid conclusion is that we only care about ourselves and life is one big, ugly mess. I can no longer deal with all the cuts and scratches of my everyday extistence. There's always been something amiss in my life that can never be found. I feel this must end soon.

Happy suicidal holidays everyone! I'll be returning and will hopefully be able to put in a post before I kill myself. Try and enjoy yourselves, I know I probably won't

everything's blue
everything's blue in this world
the deepest shade of mushroom blue
all fuzzy
spilling out of my head
11 Dec 2003 Thag I was definitely a miserable person for about a dulling decade. I hated myself and other people and felt like I had no soul. The reasons were probably all tied in with ill forced social interaction within in the school systems. At the time I was physically weak and probably mentally weak. I was then, an easy target for people who made themselves feel better by making others feel worse. Writing this is a catalyst to stir long suppressed memories, and now that I think about it, all of the pain was psychological. I don't think ANY of it was physical. I have several "incidents" of socially humiliating situations which have stayed surfaced in my conscience and serve as epitomies for the many other nearly daily humiliating occurances that my mind suppressed.

A recent change in my life seems to have drastically improved my subjective worldview though. Well, the first change was not having to go to school anymore. So if you're still in high school and hate it, your best move is just to stick it out. But the second change was to look for apartments on the internet (try rent.com) that were really cheap so I could go live by myself on a small supply of income (200 bucks a week about). You have to spend time searching because typically rent is cheap where demand is low and demand is low where there is an unhealthy ghetto social atmosphere. I thought ALL cheap rent would be in some corrupt ghetto but I was wrong. Search for rural places away from major cities. You need to visit there and see if it's a bad area first. Now I have very little stress. I'm away from traffic, hectic work and the miserable school system. Just find some lame 7 dollar an hour job nearby. Some do exist where it is barely necessary to talk to anyone. People in rural places tend to be nicer anyways though. Then build yourself up by reading and excercising. You need to know. It helps to understand things. Think of anything that interests you and search for it at google.com or amazon.com. Start with the topic of suicide perhaps. When you are on your own you can spend all of your time doing what interests you.

One fact I've read that made me feel better is that the brain is not capable of feeling physical pain. Therefore I conclude that a bullet in the head would be the most painless way. We're lucky we have such technology I suppose. What would a suicidal neanderthal do? Well for starters, a neanderthal would be free of most of the civilization caused depression. We could have a government that made civilian possession of firearms illegal. Or imagine a suicidal person on death row who is unable to because he's on "suicide watch".

I'm often skeptical about whether a site like this might mostly be people joking around, but maybe I'll help someone. And if you havn't discovered videogames you need to get yourself a used genesis at ebay. You can escape from everything in videogames.

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