Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

Nom/email
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
22 Apr 2018 Saam Lham Doobalie On good friday in the land of phillipenos they hold a festival, of sorts. 80 percent of of the whole country is catholic. And so the people parade around whipping themselves and bleeding everywhere to attone for sins and maybe get wishes granted. Total b.s. And they even crucify themselves. This is where you come in. Next good friday you will be passport ready and plane fair for a one way trip. You get there and hop up on one of the timbers and say, do me i am next. You get crucified. If that idea does not seem interesting there is always the old reliable method of hanging. Dont listen to those that say i had the noose on my neck but i couldnt jump or kick the chair. Thats just an attention whore running thier mouth. If they wanted to die they wouldnt need a chair they would squeeze it way to tight tie it off and lay down comfortably on a bed and wait.
01 Mar 2018 Philbert Quincey Archabald Adams Choke yourself with your own hand.
28 Jan 2018 Strech my urethra Did you know std rates are higher in homosexual faggot populations the non fag populous.syphillis and anal warts.
07 Jan 2018 Jugular Bacon grease injection Go on a pedophile dating website. Meet new pedophiles in your area at least three times a week. In 2 months one of them will kill you.
07 Jan 2018 Jugular Bacon grease injection Go on a pedophile dating website. Meet new pedophiles in your area at least three times a week. In 2 months one of them will kill you.
22 Jul 2017 Kat What is a pedophiles favorite thing about halloween?
The free delivery!
02 Feb 2016 Dr. Phil See a psychiatrist.
19 Nov 2011 shameful Delicate line between heaven and earth…
The calm of the ages,
all the world’s worth.
Such minuscule measure,
while we think it so grand…
Just five specks of smallness,
This soft quiet land.
So frail and so fleeting,
in the end you will see
Simple dreams were Horatio’s philosophy.

For all the truth,
all creation,
all secrets of yore
Can be told in an instant,
by then they’re no more.

Ah, The Unexplainable
All worries unsettled,
heartache unresolved…
All questions unanswered,
with death, shall be solved.

We already teeter,
this sheer cliff so high.
When we fall to corruption,
insecurities die.

To end is to start;
to surrender is to know.

Despair and depression,
together they grow.
Hope shall meet hopeless
when there’s nowhere to go.

Misao Fujimura
11 Oct 2010 Enzyme My dear, lilting, eviscerated, death-rabbits…

Too long have we been apart. Yes, it is indeed I, Enzyme. Back with hands of fire. Back to stir the cauldron of woe.

Mouchette! My lovable lil’ antichrist! Let me kiss your pale, evil feet.

Today we shall cross the river styx and look at that pernicious vortex: “Loneliness”.

It is a cry many of you adorable death-rabbits espouse. I know. I know what it’s like. You sit on the bus, a gargantuan, plastic maggot carting you to and from work. Or maybe in your car. Or maybe on foot. The transitions of life are the most wretched for the lonely peon. It’s the going to and from. When life grinds you down to the knuckle. That’s when loneliness cracks your skull and pours her syphilitic powder into your cerebral cortex. You think… “Wasted time. Who could ever want me? I’m too complex to love or understand. Look at these worn faces. They’re avoiding my gaze. I could spit up blood in front of them, speak in tongues, summon Achilles and they wouldn’t bat an eye. Nothing changes. Nothing ever, fucking, changes.”

Perhaps once you weren’t lonely. You cast your spirit back there. To that basement in Brooklyn. That skinned wheat-field. That wide, acrid beach. Existence seemed endless then. Full of rare, ratified adventures. And now?

I know, little mice. I know. But what IS this thing called ‘loneliness’? We use it freely to describe our maudlin state… but what does it truly imply? To be lonely means you don’t like being alone. But that’s not true, is it? Like all good creatures of darkness, I’m sure we all love our lairs, no matter how pathetic and venial. Ahhh the late hours of the night, up in my tower, playing David Bowie, watching “Twin Peaks”, reading 19th century French literature. I’m at peace. In my smoking jacket. Eating s’mores. You all love your solo time, am I right? That’s why God created Mozart and masturbation. Great combo, by the way.

So if being lonely is not really about hating to be alone, what, pray tell, is it about? Perhaps it is a need to be WITH another human being? To talk and converse, to suck on their genitals, to hold them and cry. Yes? Maybe THAT’s what we want? More people.

But let’s be honest, my little zombie tap-dancers… you don’t really LIKE most people, do you? I mean, most humans are rather boorish, dull, witless, and uptight. I mean, if MOST of the population was teleported into your cage and demanded to be your constant companion you would cringe in horror. “You??? In my lair? Messing with my collection of Zap comix? Get thee gone!”

Alright, so maybe being lonely is about wanting to be with the RIGHT person. The right person… who would that be? Well… unkempt hair… and yes, a love of film noir. Weird teeth… and a rye, pithy sense of humor… adventurous… simultaneously hi-brow and low-brow… a fascination with evil… but a tender, romantic creature at heart with a love of Cole Porter, punk rock, and good white wine. My god… it’s me! Yes, you probably crave yourself, as an attractive member of whatever sex you wanna put it to.

But wait! You already have yourself… not as another person, true… but you do have what you want. As you. And maybe if you squint your eyes in the mirror, you’re not really all THAT hideous.
So WHY do we crave another human being to love who is basically ourselves but more attractive?
The answer, little death-rabbits, is obvious.

We want to fully appreciate who we are… we want to fuck ourselves, and adore ourselves, and vindicate our misery, and lovingly molest that beautiful, perfect, innocent creature we are… somewhere deep in the recesses of our being… and say: “I love you, for the fucked up, adorable miscreant you are. I hate the monsters who did you wrong. I forgive you for your suffering. I’m on your side. You’re not alone.”

So loneliness is really the desire to truly love ourselves. And forgive ourselves. And really…. You don’t need to go through the awkward hell of internet dating to do that.

Free severed angel hands for everyone!

Love,
Enzyme of the petrified forest.
19 Jul 2010   go into pedophile house naked and then shout for help.
22 Mar 2010 Andre I am 21 and the thought of killing myself enters my mind everyday as I can't seem to find a job, I am near homeless because I will not accept help from my parents... even tho my parents love for me has been the only thing keeping me alive. I have gone from suicidal to loving life so much I thought I was crazy for thinking of suicide and now back to suicidal again. It is these extreme thoughts that make us so quick to commit suicide when really life is a roller coaster you must ride to reach the end. Anyone reading this please think about your family, think about your friends, and think about what your life could be before you commit. It can be tough for anyone, rich, poor, healthy, unhealthy but understand life can change for better at any given moment. I am far from religious but I do believe there is a plan for all of us and suicide is not it. It may be hard, and may sound cliche but just try to think of everything as a positive reflection on your life. This philosophy got me thru jail.... Everything that happens in life good or bad is motivation to make you a better human being. Jail made me so motivated that when I got out I did everything I could to make my life better. We do not live in paradise, and life is hard but use that as motivation to be the best human you can be, before you end your chances to better yourself and the people you love.
19 Nov 2009 Enzyme My dear darlin’ death-rabbits…

Enzyme, captain of the rotting multitude is back. So much mercury-tainted misery on the forums these days… my poor maudlin angels! Your wings all torn off, soggy with blood and bile… Come into the fold… into the copse of pine trees. I’ll heal the maelstrom in your cerebral cortex… Stand tall little death rabbits… all is not lost.

First off. One towering lament I hear again and again is that no one loves you, lil mouse. No one cares. No one really understands your delicate brainpan’s electric vibrations. You are wretched, ugly, foul and besmirched. Yes? Who will ever hold you to their neck and coo? Who will stroke your greasy hair and whisper soothing words down your raw throat? Who will cook your pancakes in the morning? Who will flip the record over? Who will lick your temples and cradle you in eternal warmth and silver salvation?

But I ask you. What is the true nature of this ‘love’ you crave? Love. Our society has anointed this elusive and brief emotion to the throne of absolute human achievement. More than just a human ‘experience’ we’ve turned it into the “philosopher’s stone”. The rare ingredient that alchemists used to turn base metals into gold. The solution and balm to all our clawing torments. If you just get ‘love’ you’ll be all better. Free from all woe. At peace. Complete spiritual enlightenment. Complete joy and freedom. Those who have it are ascended deities. Immortals living the epic saga you never could. They stare down at us lonely peons, codgers, reprobates, losers, and vagabonds. That’s how it seems, yes? You’re a blip on the radar. You exist not, because no one cares if you live or die. Yes?

But you are wrong, my adorable little persimmon. Dead wrong. This world we live in is but one shade of the entire story. Deep within your migrating being is another, golden universe of the dawn. The universe of your velvet soul, your chattering life force, the cathedral of your emotions, call it what you will. Your consciousness. And this consciousness IS the audience you crave for your life. You really don’t need the love, approval, understanding of another being to be happy and content. Some of the happiest people on earth live in total isolation in Tibet on the tops of snow-covered mountains milking goats. Sure, love, sex and approval from other humans are NICE and fun to have around, and kinda good for us. But they are not what truly sustains us. No one will ever love you more than your own being.

Close your eyes and listen to your life force trembling and pulsating inside you. A radiating harmonium of thoughts and words and beats and dreams and images and demons and nymphs and monsters all part of you. All created by you. That glow, that universe, that place adores you, lil rabbit. Like no one else ever can. Because you sustain it. Because it is completely original. It has never existed in your distinct pattern before, and will never exist ever again. Think about it. No one exactly like you has ever existed before in the history of the universe, nor will ever exist again. You are so damn rare. If you tend to that inner world by creating things, breathing, escaping, imagining, lollygagging in your unconscious, you’ll get all the love you need. And much more.

See, we’ve all been sold a bill of goods. Our social contract is hopelessly pernicious. From everywhere were are bombarded with constant tirades: “Be loved! Get happy! Get laid! Make money! Find friends! Look pretty! Have children! Be a success! If you can’t, won’t, or live with your mom, you’re a failure! Kill yourself! Give up! Life is a game! You lost! Game over!”

Take a breath, lil mouse. Remind yourself. Life is NOT a game. There is no winning or loosing. Only the passage of time and the accumulation of experience. That’s it. And all experiences are worth having. Good, bad, pathetic, tender. It’s all part of the human rollercoaster ride. Take your fingers off your eyes. You don’t want to miss a thing.

And always remember. Enzyme loves you. Even if no one else does. I do. I’ll enfold you in my poison arms, coo in your ear, give you head, lick your teeth, knit you mittens, braid your greasy hair, draw on your hand, crash your car, kiss the nape of your neck, put on Nick Drake, film you while you sleep, smell your armpits, clean your bathroom, let you doze off, cradle your breasts, eat your food, buy you candy, watch 30 rock with you, clap when you play air guitar, wrap you in a down comforter while it softly snows outside, rent your favorite horror film, and mull you hot apple cider. I will. You know why? Cuz I love my lil velveteen death rabbits. That’s why. Yes. Yes I do.

ENZYME

Song of the day: “Rock & Roll Suicide” by David Bowie.
12 Jul 2009 M.M. aka billy the freak independence day has come and gone blown past like the ribbons in your bottle rockets. the wind catches them and they sweep across children's feet. when i was young i believed the united states was the beacon for the free world. in the past few years, through underground documentaries, the internet, and good old study i have become illuminated. lights on. and the truth is so far away the american dream. no more eating hallucinogenic mushrooms tripping out to fireworks basking in the mellow ambiance of pride, subliminal whispers spoon feeding you comfort. obey and consume. the united states is the bulldog for the shadow government, the new world order.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it.
-Quoted by Thomas Paine-

what if i told you a handful of people control the world and humanity. just a few dirtbags with all the power and money. the corporate elite, international bankers, media companies, and even royalty. these power brokers play with peoples lives like they play a game of chess. bent on the thought of being one of the ruling class in a one world government.

what? you didn't know about them. this is sadly typical especially if you live in the united states. they control the media and what is presented to us as fact. they create the enemy. they use false flag attacks and scare tactics to frightening us into our homes and pissing us off to where we want to see the end of these 'terrorist', blood, death and destruction. we see so much tragedy. they see conquest. nazi protocols keep us in line. they use television, newspapers, and radio to tell us what to think, at the same time they are above any existing law using the current government as a tool to bring us down. the patriot act and laws during wartime. simple puppets in place to sooth the ignorant. they want to control our minds. they want to make us cattle. and when the time is right there will be death. a horrible black death it will consume the weak. we will evolve by necessity.

you know this sounds right we are moving into a new age, the age of aquarius and let the water bearer wash away our sins.

i don't know if i got my point across. and this is real and there is so much more. check out infowars.com and zeitgeistmovie.com this will be a good place to start. it is up to you to see the light and all their ugly faces. you don't need to kill yourself we're doomed anyway.

i must have dreamed a thousand dreams
been haunted by a million screams
but I can hear the marching feet
they're moving into the street.
now did you read the news today
they say the dangers gone away
but I can see the fires still alight
there burning into the night.

there's too many men
too many people
making too many problems
and not much love to go round
can't you see
this is a land of confusion.

this is the world we live in
and these are the hands were given
use them and lets start trying
to make it a place worth living in.

oh superman where are you now
when everythings gone wrong somehow
the men of steel, the men of power
are losing control by the hour.
i won't be coming home tonight
my generation will put it right
were not just making promises
that we know, well never keep.

this is the world we live in
and these are the names were given
stand up and lets start showing
just where our lives are going to.

this is the time this is the place
So we look for the future
but there's not much love to go round
tell me why, this is a land of confusion.

-phil collins-

billy the freak
01 Jul 2009 billy the royal court magician one of the first rock stars and sex symbols of medieval times was merlin the royal court magician who supposedly lived in the times of king author and sir lancelot putting the year somewhere in the 1100's. it was said that merlin had the power to disappear and reappear at will. he could shape shift and summon demons,dragons, and beast of all shapes and size. by some he was described as a handsome dark haired man who dressed in the fanciest of garbs. you could imagine how young men would want to emulate such a prolific man and how women would cream in their panties. by others he was described as a hunchback ugly man who would steal your child for for the unspeakable acts of his wizardry. unlike the king and the good sir whose stories have been romanticized to the point of fairytales merlin the man may have never existed. real or not real in his day Merlin's' exploits were the talk of every village far and wide. even now his name appears in many aspects of pop culture. he is a snapshot of everything and nothing folded up in a book on your shelf.
alchemy* at the time was considered to be the same as magic, because the men who practiced the craft kept its secrets well guarded, mainly for profit, but i suspect they got of on the mystery and allure surrounding the subject. to this day any respectable magician will not give away his secrets. like then and like now there is no such thing as magic. today the word magician is used at kiddie parties and retirement communities, go figure, the term now is illusionist. as if to say to believe in magic is to believe in witchcraft, you dance with the devil.
one of merlins most infamous illusions were before the eyes of his king he turned lead int gold.now think about what he made them believe he could do.he took one of the most abundant metals and turned it into the most precious metal on earth. so needless to say this made merlin the mother fucking the man. this also sent the other alchemist into a frenzy trying to recreate the miracle that was nothing more than a parlor trick, and to this day people still use the phrase 'trying to turn lead into gold' when describing the impossible. now i have never turned lead into gold, but i have turned bread into mold and with that i may have done more than old merlin ever has.
an illusion is merely an act of deception and the magic is in the minds and on the faces of the sucker. i am the wizard of my domain everyday and in anyway i will deceive whoever i can to get what i want. i disappear when things get heavy and i reappear at the most opportune moment. i can morph my appearance and my demeanor to fit into any crowd. i summon beast with the flick of my cell phone fury and they swoop in and destroy my enemies. by the light of day i am a handsome man on the cutting edge of fashion all the ladies want me and all the guys want to be me. in the street lights and shadows i'm mr. hyde hideous and livid. i am on the tip of every tongue, yet no one knows me. i am the modern day magician. i am the full metal alchemist. i am your drug dealer.





*alchemy/noun/ a medieval chemical science and speculative philosophy aiming to achieve the transmutation of base elements into gold, the discovery of a cure for any ailments, prolonging life, and human transmutation.

billy the freak
18 Jun 2009 the dark turd ummm... well there are manhy ways to kill youself. first is self pity. then with irony. did you know you can kill yourself with kindness. hah. get it? kill yourself with kindness. ahh.. never mind. by the way (get it bi the way) is there still a bloke(heh) called Phill on this sight. good on ya mate. can i kiss you. i mean, not in a gay way or anything. just a man kiss, ya know.
aka, the dark turd
26 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a. billy the freak amsterdam heaves like the breath in her lungs. people bustle through the streets as
the blood surges through her veins. i can feel this all around me.... however, i sit
alone in the a bar. I want to be alone, only me and the bartender. hey, did you know
i have the power to be anybody? i can go anywhere and do anything, any-fucking-way i
want to do it. However, tonight I sit alone. i sit in a basement level dive too dark
to see the clock on the wall, yet bright enough to see the bar in front of me. the
pink neon light in the window screamed in its best cursive 'MOUCHETTE' a warm and
ambient glow enveloping you like a womb welcoming all to her embrace. however,
tonight i sit alone.
The bartender is mouchette and i am only a guest in her place. like me she has the
power to be anything, but only in the minds of other people. if you were to ask her
who she was("mouchette, really who are you?")she would say she killed herself at the
brink of thirteen and in death had second thoughts. now she plays a game and through
this game she lives on. tonight mouchette is a thirty something italian woman with
the type of beauty that says you would like to fuck her, but wouldn't really perform
at your best only because you are intimidated by her razor sharp wit and her worldly
charm.. She has so many friends and you never feel good enough in her company. the
intimate encounters are few and far between and you both want more. when you are
away she is always in the back of your mind. i know all this and tonight she is only
the bartender, why she is in this spittoon of a saloon could only be guessed, but i
do know she is here... aways here for me.
"mouchette! baby doll, please pour me another." i belted.
"billy darling no need to shout; i am right here and there is no one else in the
bar." she said in a reprimanding tone."another vodka and tonic i would bet."
"right you are. you know me well."
"i know you because you know you, you know me and right now... this is all we know."
"positively insightful mouchette, I say you inspire me. you are my muse." this i
announced with a certain amount of glee.
"billy" she said while fixing my drink. "I am afraid the booze is your muse.." She
sat the drink down in front of me.
I was outraged. "mouchette, you... how could you say this? do you want to hurt me?
do you want me to feel bad?"
"again billy, this is all we know. I think you must ask yourself that question."
{what is her angle? what is she getting at? i want her to go with the flow.} i took
the drink in one gulp then slammed the heavy short glass motioning for another
drink, nectar of the gods.
" vodka and tonic yes?"
"ha!! i would like a whiskey and coke, if you put pepsi in there i will fucking
smack you." i said triumphantly "you are slipping mouchette... maybe you are not my
muse"
"the joke is on you billy." she said in a tired voice and made the drink in the same
dirty glass.
{the joke was on me. i hate whiskey. what is this? do i have control? yes, i have
all the control. when i am here i am king and she is the servant. So why do i feel
so helpless.} the neon light from out side the bar shined through my half empty
short glass, casting glimmers of light onto the slick bar top. the lights danced
across the fine finished wood as i turned the glass between my thumb and index
finger. suddenly i felt alone. no longer alone by choice, but alone... just
helplessly alone.
"well billy, I'm here" falicia said out of nowhere.
"how did you get here." I asked.
"you let me in silly, what kind of question is that." now i am simply sick of this
shit.
"are you going to fuck with me too falicia!" i shot the whiskey and the fumes and
words came out my mouth like fire. "i don't know how you got here. i don't know why
you keep coming back. i didn't open that fucking door."
"i found the door and walked through it just like you did billy, ask yourself these
questions and you will find the answers you are looking for." falicia ordered a
mineral water and drank while i thought about what she said.
i first came here when i was sixteen it was 1998 ten years passed and now i am
twenty six. i didn't give anything, i only took for one decade. she was always here
when i needed her and at times she made me feel special, at times she made me feel
worthless. I would run away but only in presence. in the stealth of the night i
would visit. the price i pay is her always haunting me, for not a day goes by... not
a day goes by. did i want a suicide kit for christmas? no, i just wanted to show
other children how to play with the toy. i am no longer a child, but i still play
with this toy.
"falicia i come here because as long as people come here i cannot die.... i will
live forever. this is the gift she gave me and i tell you, i don't know if i deserve
it." just when i thought i was opening up falicia started to laugh a hysterical
laugh. then lucy and phil join in. chris and will snow chime and it now a chorus of
laughter. joe lee, mackellar, elaine, agent orange, just a girl, and many others
have the bar quaking with laughter. in spite of myself i start to chuckle as well,
but i had to ask.
"falicia why are we laughing."
"you wanting to live forever is all fine and good," she said as she points across
the bar with her finger resting towards the bartender. "but what happens when she
dies."
that very moment i had ad a revelation and with that change a change happened in
mouchette. her cigarette burn eyes stared at me as she poured me another vodka and
tonic, her smile was just crack on her plastic face
23 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a.billy the freak the city heaves like the breath in her lungs. people bustle through the streets as the blood surges through her veins. i can feel this all around me... however, i sit alone in her bar. I want to be alone, only me and the bartender.
{hey, did you know i have the power to be anybody? i can go anywhere. yep. i can do anything, any-fucking-way i want to do it. however, tonight I sit alone. i sit in a basement level dive too dark to see the clock on the wall, yet bright enough to see the bar in front of me like a high definition painting in a cheap plastic frame. the pink neon light in the window screamed in its best cursive 'MOUCHETTE' a warm and ambient glow enveloping you like a womb welcoming all to her embrace. however, tonight i sit alone.
the bartender is mouchette and i am only a guest in her place. like me she has the power to be anything, but only in the minds of other people. if you were to ask her who she was, she would say she killed herself at the brink of thirteen and in death had second thoughts. not that she didn't want to kill herself, but wanted to know the best way to do it. now she plays a game and through this game she lives on.
tonight mouchette is a thirty something woman with the type of beauty that says you would like to love her, but wouldn't really be at your best only because you are intimidated by her razor sharp wit and her worldly charm... she has so many friends and you never feel good enough in her company. the intimate encounters are few and far between and you both want more. when you are away she is always in the back of your mind. i know all this and tonight she is only the bartender, why she is in this spittoon of a saloon could only be guessed, but i do know she is here... always here for me.
"mouchette! baby doll, please pour me another" i belted.
"billy, darling, no need to shout; i am right here and there is no one else in the bar" she said in a reprimanding tone", " another vodka and tonic i would bet?"
"right you are. you know me well "i said.
"i know you because you know you, you know me and right now... this is all we know" she replied.
"positively insightful mouchette, I say you inspire me. you are my muse." this i announced with a certain amount of glee, but not really understanding what she said. it sounded good enough.
"billy" she said while fixing my drink. "I am afraid the booze is your muse." she sat the drink down in front of me. she is speaking gobbity gook and suggesting i was an alcoholic. I was outraged.
"mouchette, you... how could you say this? do you want to hurt me? do you want me to feel bad?"
"again billy, this is all we know. I think you must ask yourself that question." she said again putting it back on me.
{what is her angle? what is she getting at? i want her to go with the flow.}
i took the drink in one gulp then slammed the heavy short glass motioning for another drink, nectar of the gods.
" vodka and tonic yes?" she called from across the bar.
"ha!! i would like a whiskey and coke, if you put pepsi in there i will fucking smack you." i said triumphantly. "you are slipping mouchette... maybe you are not my muse maybe this is just a joke."
"the joke is on you billy." she said in a tired voice and made the drink in the same dirty glass.
{and the joke was on me. i hate whiskey. in an attempt to be belligerent i asked for something i didn't want. what is this? do i have control? yes, i have all the control. when i am here i am king and she is the servant. So why do i feel so helpless.}
the neon light from out side the bar shined through my half empty short glass, casting glimmers of light onto the slick bar top. the lights danced across the fine finished wood as i turned the glass between my thumb and index finger. suddenly i felt alone. no longer alone by choice, but alone... just helplessly alone.
"well billy, I'm here" felicia said out of nowhere.
"how did you get here." I asked.
"you let me in silly, what kind of question is that?" was the condescending reply.
now i am simply sick of this shit.
"are you going to fuck with me too felicia!" i shot the whiskey down my throat and the words and fumes came out my mouth like fire.
"i don't know how you got here. i don't know why you keep coming back. i didn't open that fucking door you waltzed in here yourdamnself."
"billy right now you want me here. i found the door and walked through it just like you did. billy, ask yourself these questions and you will find the answers you are looking for". felicia ordered a mineral water and drank while i thought about what she said.
i first came here when i was sixteen it was 1998 ten years passed and now i am twenty six. i found this place when i was contemplating suicide. we all know i'm no strait lacer who tied up his shoes to awalk on the wild side. i never gave anything too much, and got so much in return. she was always here when i needed her. at times she made me feel special, at times she couldn't have made me feel more worthless. I would run away, but only in presence and in the stealth of the night i would visit. the price i pay is her always haunting me, for not a day goes by... not a day goes by. did i want a suicide kit for christmas? not really, i just wanted to show other children how to play with the toy. i am no longer a child, but i still play with this toy. i'll still show to get the max amount fun even if you just watch the other children. something eternal made fameous by the hands of its creator. that's it.
"felicia i come here because, as long as people come here i cannot die... i will live forever. this is the gift she gave me and i tell you, i don't know if i deserve it". just when i thought i was opening up felicia started to laugh a hysterical laugh. then lucy and phil joined in. chris and will snow chime in and it is now a chorus of laughter. joe lee, mackellar, elaine, odd orange, dead inside, just a girl, and many others have the bar quaking with laughter. in spite of myself i start to chuckle as well, but i had to ask.
"felicia why are we laughing?"
"although it sounds like an oxymoron in the most basic sense, you wanting to live forever is all fine and good" she said as she points across the bar with her finger resting towards the bartender "but what happens when she dies?"
that very moment i had a revelation and with that change in my mind a change happened in mouchette. her cigarette burned eyes stared at me as she poured me another vodka and tonic, her smile was just crack on her plastic face.

billy the freak
07 Mar 2009 Loki You kids need to realize that suicide is one of the most selfish things a human being can do. If you believe in the christian heaven and hell, you should check out dante's dream about hell in his book "inferno", and see where he meets "the suicides" and then see how that corrollates with the christian bible on what happens to those who destroy god's temple in self-righteousness, disowning the laws of both man and god. As an atheist, it took more than that for me, but for you tweens (no disrespect), that might be enough to reconsider. I've tried twice, and vowed to do it the right way the next time, but even the dark side of me is repulsed by the creator of this page and the people who claim to be adults giving advice to thirteen-year-olds on the right way. Fucking sick. Your feelings are very real and very important and even though it seems nobody cares or understands, somebody does. Try me. And for you fucking sick pedophilic sadistic chickenhawks with the advice... You can try me, too.
07 Jan 2009   Man, I'm torn here...I can understand both points of view. I'm in my 30's...I first contemplated suicide at 13...only later did my mom tell me I was abused by a neighborhood kid and by a babysitter. I've tried sex, drugs, alcohol, God, Buddha, philosophy, prescription medication, counseling...nothing has worked. I've held on over 20 years thinking things can get better, but they haven't...when people tell you how others have it worse, that is really patronizing and does NOT help. All that does is invalidate your feelings and make you feel like an even bigger loser. However, someone commented earlier that it seems like all it could take is just one person to love them and I agree. But how long do you hafta drag yourself out of bed EVERY SINGLE DAY before you can say that you honestly tried. It's true...a lotta people have no clue what it's like to be a punching bag your entire life, so it's easy to sound like a Hallmark card (hang in there, things will get better,...). All of that said, I made up my mind (or do day to day) that if I can't live for myself, maybe I can help others...sounds cheesy, but maybe living for others can bring some small measure of happiness...
13 Nov 2008 Van I am like most people in this forum, I have had my ups and downs, and heartache and such due to family problems, conflicts with roommates, school pressures and so forth. I've never really tried to kill myself purposefully. I did fool myself into believing that four extra strength acetaminophen's worked like four regular acetaminophen's. My friend told me that taking four was normal, but I always use extra strength and didn't know there was a difference. I was knocked out for about a day. Parents were fighting, getting me into the argument, all I could think to do was take some acetaminophen and go to sleep. It was New Years day during my senior year of high school, the next day I felt foolish. I went to a private school, learning about theology and loving religion. That's one thing that held me back so that I could never kill or injure myself. The first time I almost committed suicide was stupid. I was 15, dating a guy for half a year, then one day he breaks my heart, my first love. Two weeks later I'm crying on the bus and my best friend from when I was 11 tells me "Get over it bitch!". What great friends... In the end I found she liked him and only urged me to date him so that she then could date him once it didn't work out between him and I. She did, that night I was on AIM talking to a deeply religious friend. And I had a large cooking knife at my wrist about ready to watch all my blood flow out. But I couldn't do it. I went back and told this to my friend and he then said, "you're conscience/a spirit [God] is preventing you from doing this to yourself". At that time I felt relieved I couldn't do something so horrific to damage what makes me human. As time went on over the years, I've always had suicidal thoughts. It all really came into perspective when I was 14 and my grandfather passed away. I've heard from someone or maybe a philosopher, that the only reason some people have suicidal thoughts is because someone close or a relative had committed suicide. It runs in the genes or the thought process more clearly then. I'm not a deeply religious person, but I do believe that once you die, you die. I used to believe in reincarnation, but science proves me wrong. If you want to die, then do so, but before you do the deed remember what makes you human and who it really will hurt in the end. Suicidal thoughts are normal, I still have them, but it doesn't mean I will act upon them.

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