Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
10 Dec 2003 Felicia The Great For Everyone During The Holidays,

This time of year is the most depressing. I recommend that you keep warm or if there is no electricity, take warm showers. Bundle up no matter what because more people have a tendency wanting to want to kill themselves when it is really cold. Before you contemplate killing yourself, don't. Instead, make yourself a warm cup of chocolate with marshmellows. If you're vegan, a warm cup of chocolate soy milk.

In this crazy world, most suicides are from the result of depression. I spoke with my Psychologist from Enborg Lane located next to Valley Med. He told me that depression is the result of a chemical imbalance and should be treated. I told him, drugs or prescriptions wouldn't do any good. I found that the key into getting over depression is this:

1.) Excercise - running, moving hands and arms, anything to build endorphines (Do it constantly everyday).

2.) Eating well - staying away from sugary sodas and stick to hearty soups along with decaffeinated teas or drinks, just plain water would do. Though I recommended hot chocolate, because it contains caffeine, it is not as bad as drinking coffee. Hot chocolate has more Vitamin D, and helps you to get rid of that holiday chocolate craving. For the lactose intolerants: Don't diagnose yourself and say you are lactose intolerant if you haven't been to the doctor. Take small doses per week and build up so you can be lactose tolerant. If you are strict vegan, get the soy milk that has Vitamin D. Vitamin D aids in preventing osteoporosis and a soother.

3.) Get out more. Sunshine helps to rid you of depression. Even if it is dark and cloudy, you still get sun rays. Of course use proper sunscreen.

4.) Move around and get involved in group functions. Volunteer and help others that need help. As one guy said,"Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" JFK. If you help out others, you'll soon feel better about yourself. Please keep busy and don't idle around.

5.) Don't hang with grumpy people that get you down. Stay away from relationships that are hurting you emotionally. Don't take guilt trips.Take a trip to the mall, a trip to see friends, but not to where the guilt is.

If you feel that I am just a bunch of hot air, then I am. Why do you think I keep warm all the time.

Sincerely to you. Have a safe Holiday and remember:

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away--Please remain happy and stick to your dreams".
06 Dec 2003 penfold there isn't a best way. this forum made me sad as i think no one should be alone wich seems to be most people on here. if anyone on here need some help, my email address is
sometimes it's good to get a stranger's view on things and i will help as much as i can as i have seen how bad suicide can be for others around you. people who you don't think care who really do and just dont know how bad you feel im here for anyone any time anything. don't be scared i only want to help
26 Nov 2003 Chris Well, what can I say about this site??? I have just finished watching a documentary about suicide chat rooms on Channel 4 (UK TV) and was inspired to check out some of the message boards. I stumbled accross this site and must say that you guys and girls are doing a great job... Getting your feelings down on paper (or on-screen) can be the first step. If you want to know a little secret... keep reading.

I suffer from depression, comes and goes, highs and lows, good and bad, happy and sad, from wanting to kill myself to wanting to kill others... I have been through most of it in the past.

I am now 23 and am married to a fantastic woman, WHO LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM, and I also have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. I am just so glad that in the past when the feelings arose... I COULDN'T DO IT... that was not to say that I didn't want to... I just couldn't, so was left with no option but to fight... mainly myself. I AM SO GLAD THAT I DID.

I know how the feelings come, and sometimes they're worse than the day before... but 'sometimes' it's not as bad as last week. That last week is where you need to be looking just now... accept that you will have bad days and say to yourself... it WILL get better. It may not get better quickly but IT DOES GET BETTER. I am no longer on medication and have started a new job today, stacking shelves in the local supermarket. Not much... BUT... a BIG step, considering that I couldn't get out of bed for the crushing desire to end it all only a few months ago. It makes me feel PROUD that I have beaten the beast back again... I don't know if I will ever be 'that down' again... but I can tell you, I WILL NEVER FORGET.

If you are sat in your chair just now reading this, then why not take the next step... write it down and click send... whether you send it to me or just to the message board, because there ARE people out there who WANT to listen to you... no there isn't, I hear you say?... then why would I be spending all my time writing to YOU... we can only help, if you give us the chance... let us help, send that email... what have you got to loose?

Email me:

Take Care and Stay Safe,

23 Nov 2003 M.C I wanted to say I think your site is amazing... and I wish you could meet someone as sophisticated as you and you can be happy together... although I don't like my sadness that I have a lot, it is something I can call my own... if you could find someone to "fill the void in your life" I would wait off on killing yourself. email me back if you want to tell sometime. Thanks, mc
12 Nov 2003 Felicia on The State of the World I never thought what it would be like if you are under 13 and thinking of a way to kill yourself. But I know of a good way you can keep from being depressed.

1.) Read a veeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrry long post on and figure out if it appeals to you (like mine for example). If you think that person's post applies to your personality, write to them twice as long, cry your heart out to them. If some push you aside, go to another person that writes twice as long.

2.) Never think your style of dressing sucks especially those who wear baggy clothing like Tupak or dress like Vampire Lestat.

Let me continue. I'm talking on Gothic clothing.

Since the late seventies or early eighties, the Gothic style has always been in. Black clothes, tongue rings, body piercings, black lipstick, chains, anything silver, tattoos,patent leather, black lace, stark blood red fabrics, spiked colored hair, and vintage clothing, ect..ect.. this type of style should never be offensive to people especially to 50 year old parents. The Gothic style has always been a classic. If you are under 13, and choose to read dark novels, scan through Manga magazines, anime cartoons, smoke cigarettes (which is bad for your lungs and pocketbook), flirt with skater boys and girls, watch Jerry Springer, watching the Matrix III till you feel like throwing up from watching all those battle graphics, Cheaters, have unprotected sex (please don't put yourself in jeapardy) Buffy, and Charmed, you're very much in style. In San Francisco, its nothing new to me and I understand why some people are always on the verge of suicide. If it really depresses you, while doing this, then it is time to read Care Bear books and tuning your dial to Sponge Bob Square Pants. Or better yet, read Self Help books, but chose wisely. We don't need people chanting out the demonic verses of Mr. Ed's "A Horse is a Horse of Course of Course" backwards.

3.) Another way you can get depressed is compare yourself to Lizzie McGuire, Elton John, Colin Farrell, Arnold Schwarzennegger, the Olsen twins, the Hilton twins, the Bratz doll collection, Howard Stern and the three Pagan sisters. Now you keep wondering why you don't feel beautiful or handsome and you're under 13. The secret is this...ready?

Being "SELF CONFIDENT"and never compare yourself to anyone, period. Also note that money is never the root to all happiness or evil, and beauty is only skin deep or in the eyes of the beholder.
Life is what you make it.

4.) If times are tough and you feel like giving in to suicide before 13, go out and play with your friends, enjoy the sun, wear sun block, run, eat better, get busy.

If the boy or girl at school likes somebody else, then it wasn't in the cards or the stars. Move on.

If your family is dysfunctional, change family history and become functional.

If you are fired from your job and on the verge of welfare, ride with the tide. Pretend you are working and fill out applications everywhere, while collecting unemployment or public assistance. Never think that a mediocre job at McDonalds, will kill you. It is an honest job. Many executives out there have been Clowns working at a circus. Many CEO tycoons have went for early retirement. People like me are volunteer working with children and reading to them.

Take it in stride, don't think life is over. Life can only get better.
28 Oct 2003 Felicia This is a message for Caleb.

Yes, I truly understand why you feel like ending it all, especially under the treachery of cruel people... especially ones that you call family or friends.

As in regards to family, which is the most draining, you feel that you are the black sheep and portrayed as a failure. A misfit of some kind. You feel that your family is always... "Want... want... want... Me... Me... Meeeee!" or "You're good for nothing! You're a failure! I can No longer forgive you for what you did?" Because of this kind of upbringing or environment, you think everybody out there is cruel and selfish as well. Everywhere you go, it seems that people are against you, talking behind your back, calling you names, having bad wishes against you in which you can't progress in this world. I had a friend on this website named Lucy Cortina, who sufferred much so because of this.

I am not influencing you to take any personality subscription drugs here Caleb, and there are times I wish I can go on Zoloft, but I can't stand the side effects. (You know, the type of side effects that they use in commercials after advertising the drug: "Warnings may include sexual dysfunction, migranes... ect... ect..")

Maybe you can try this, because I am using it on myself right now. Has it ever occurred to you that you are more powerful than you think you are? The brain can do so many wonderous things. My suggestion to you Caleb is keep a journal of the things that bother you, write it down, and try to be your own advisor. If you visualize somebody else writing for you for help, offer back advise in how they can overcome it. Do it in your journal. I did. I'm doing it right now.

Caleb, my friend, you are not alone in this crummy world full of selfish bastards and skanks. They will receive their wonderful reward at the end. This place is wreaking of assholes everywhere. But remember that you and I can change it to our liking and not use suicide as the last resort. If someone tells us otherwise and say "Go ahead do it! Kill yourself! It will lead to more justice in this world!" Whether they like it or not, even if we are here or if we are gone, the world turns. And if these people remain toxic to us otherwise and don't change their ways, bad things beyond our control will happen to them. It's called payback kiddo. But don't rely on it as a form of revenge. Never wish harm on anyone as a rule because it will come back threefold. Just let things be. Forgive. Let people be people, because in the long run if you do the things you love, I am advising myself to, the more you will be a success, the happier you will be, and it will attract the people that you mostly like to hang around with.

Hang in there Caleb... You are not alone!!! In this crazy world think of this day of a rebirth of new beginnings.

For today is the first day of the rest of your life.
27 Oct 2003 Caleb So why is it always the purest of people who are forced to suffer such tremendous, indescribable pain? Why is it that while the other wretches of society continue to walk the face of the earth, belittling whom they please and crushing whatever they desire while we are forced to receive all negative repercussions. Yet they are the ones permitted to continue living in bliss, living in the ecstasy derived from the pain of others. As I read the posts here, I can't help but feel an emotion I forgot so long ago, sympathy. Not in some cheap way were people say they "feel sorry" only so they can attempt to earn your trust only to stab you in the back a moment later.
I have felt the devastation of betrayal, abuse, and loneliness from everyone I have ever come in contact with, family absolutely being no exception. What purpose is there to living in such a world? Why live when there is no future except more pain.
I know my death would bring nothing emotional to my family except maybe relief. I have no friends so that limits the playing field. I simply wake up each day and go to class, come back, sleep, and repeat the process. I have become so mechanical lately that I don't even feel alive. Every passing day seems like a split second in my desolate world, a world comprised of emotionless actions followed by nothing more than a harsh reality of despair constantly staring back at me. Why couldn’t I have lived a happy life, void of such misery? Nooo, I had to have so many fuck ups that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life even if I don’t want to. This used to be fine with me, but that was also a time when I had become a horrific shadow of the former kindness I once held in my frail heart.
I am sure that every one of you would make such excellent friends, as would I. We are all too familiar with pain and betrayal (one in the same.) I wish I could meet you, if nothing more than to talk, to be understood and not looked at as some monster. I almost shot myself when I was merely 11 years old, and then some times after that. I cut myself to relieve the unrelenting psychological pain, but now I can’t even do that, for there is far too much pain, physical and mental. Most of my past I don’t even remember, probably because I don’t want to. I still want to calmness of death, yet I keep blindly following this “maybe it will get better” philosophy which is nothing more than a lie, an extension of mankind’s will to survive. I probably will go through with it soon enough. I am going to stick it out…. just a little longer. Foolish optimism but… I don’t want to die knowing that if I had waited one more day something would have changed.
I don’t know what I can do, but if anyone would like to e-mail me, if nothing more than to talk, go right ahead and do so. People like us are driven into a life of darkness, which contradicts the purity of our actual being. We were not born for such misery; the other assholes who are enjoying life are the ones who should be feeling the pain. Not us.

I may have reached my dead end, but I want to at least help someone find a new course in life that will bring about happiness, if for nothing else than to hear them out. Maybe that way I can feel like I actually lived.
27 Oct 2003 Felicia Suicide is only too easy of a way out. It is a cruel world out there. Take for instance my new job. I feel unappreciated and realized that it is such a dead end job. Some higher ups use the state of the economy as a crutch to cut down your hours or lay you off. Later, you read between the lines. No eye contact is the first sign, especially when someone looks to the left and their feet seem to point away from you, not towards you. The same thing goes for broken relationships.

It seems that I work from job, after job, after job and go from relationship, after relationship, after relationship. It's sad to know that people out there haven't seen our talents or ambitions and never love or like us for who we are. Some inadvertently make our lives a living hell even if we care about them. But in all aspects, if we can’t make a job better, change it. If the relationship isn’t working, change it or change friends.

As a result, those of us feel that living day to day is close to dying. Literally, dying is the only option in getting rid of the pain.

Pain hurts.

I can go on forever talking about this subject on pain.

But we have to remember "LIFE IS PAIN!! GET USED TO IT!!"

We have to remember to go forward before drowning.
And keep pushing to move forward,
Life is one long street fight and we have to learn to deal with the bruises of its unsuccess.

We have to learn to be tough. I say that to all my friends, especially my gay male friends and lesbian female friends. I say this to myself too and very often.

Suicide is no resort. Never have this as your last resort.

And to Lee, if you feel that your friend is still alive buried in that box, six feet under, most likely he is not alive. Mortuaries do not bury live bodies and usually dead bodies are in the regamortis stage…meaning absolutely not alive. Working with a Mortician was an odd job, but at least the customers didn’t talk back to you. What’s so funny is I even talk to them and once in a while. During preparation, all I hear is a deep groan.meaning the air is finally out of the body.

For your pain, I feel it. Cry if you have to, scream if you must. But remember that this grieving stage in your life, which will take time, too shall pass.

As for every dead end job, it too shall be a former job. For every bad relationship, we too will remember that one day, these people will all be a part of our past. Time can be a cruel in the saddest stages of our life, yet it can be a good friend because most of the time it heals all wounds.
20 Oct 2003 Justin Hey i'm not suicidal but i have helped a lot of my friends out with it so that they haven't commited it. if u want someone to talk to and come to for advice maybe i can help u. just IM me at psykodrummerdude
i'm here for u all. i cant stand people in the world that make others feel like shit
18 Oct 2003 ronwelthy2mauvais souhait ye, you are all right, when you fell like you are going to kill yourself, no one try to help you, and you are left alone with suicidal thoughts, you try to résist, to fight someone, against those dark clouds, but you have no allies, just weird looks which say
_Well look at her, she is mad.

But then, after you attempt to kill yourself, the whole family, your friend are trying to understand you, as if they were trying to get our favour, they are all hypocritical.That's pretty shit you know.

Well I don't mean to give any lesson, just to tell you one or two things. If you really feel suicidal and you don't want to kill yourself, just become an individualist. The world cannot help you, well just try to reject it. Instead, if you have somethings to say, if you feel like everythings are getting worse and worse, just open a notebook and write in it. It will a better therapy than speaking to your family, or your friend, or going to a psychologist.

And to answer your last question about death, I don't think there is something after the Great passage, just a black empty space where you can live and float peacefully, that's what I think. Death is the great enigma of all society, but I think that to believe in it you don't have to believe in god so it make easier for atheist to understand, or if you believe in a god, with my theory you don't have to bother about your terrestrial life.

I hope this will help you. But remember, if you feel lost, remember one thing just write your thoughts.
18 Oct 2003 MauvaisSouhait I've been suicidal for a while now. I'm 16 and almost finished with HighSchool. Trying to get into a college and things are stressful. I'm not the "typical" suicidal teen as most. I wasn't raped or abused. For some reason i've always been depressed, I've never been able to be happy no matter what went on. Making honor roll, having boyfriends, nothing. I had a lot of friends then when i hit highschool i got sick of everything. I began to realize that ppl suck. I was always picked on but hey, most teens are. But for some reason i can't handle this torment at all. I do want to become a writer u know and go to college but w/ things going on at school i just wanna die. I'm a cutter, thats what i do... i cut myself. I've taken pills before but they never seem to have any effect on me. Though i think tonight i'll try again. I just want to die but then i'm afraid to depress my mom, dad, and brother. But i'm not happy. I think it's just time to die. Too many bad things for me to begin to handle, especially alone.
15 Oct 2003 leanne Thomas, I'd just like to say Welcome, and that you are in no way alone here. forget people who dont seem to find you attractive out there and have made the assumption of you being gay... forget them 1)girls in this world.. in this fucked up place are just getting to be too much trouble, 2) they're only out for themselves. And be there for your mum. even though your family somehow blames you, that's not your fault, not your problem, not your concern... well it is a concern but not one you're responsible for. dont let people walk all over you for your mistakes, everybody makes them and hell... life is one big mistake... the way this world functions is a big fucking error and mistake. you gotta stand tall at work, dont let people take the piss, coz they'll lose respect for you and you'll lose it for yourself. when you feel shit&down, which is all the time with depression, you can always come here. there are good fucking people here, the best bunch you'll eva find and discover, like i myself have discovered. nobody judges anybody, or looks down on anybody, we're all on the same level and im sure we'll all be here for you... you wanna be angry, do that, scream,rant&rave, get it out coz nobody will understand you better than us. so welcome again and keep visiting.
25 Aug 2003 hayley-j hi my name is hayley and i think about constantly killing myself, my life hasnt been the best but it certainly hasnt been the worst. i wont bore u with my shitty little life but i cant tell u how selfish i feel for wishing i was dead when i have a gorgeous little baby girl and a gorgeous b/friend. people are much worse off than me and i should be grateful for my life, i have never been raped or abused (well only mentally) but i cannot and dont want to begin to know how it feels. i dont want to die anymore i want to live for all those people who have killed themselves hoping they can see a better life through my eyes. maybe you should do the same please dont do anything to harm yourselves i know it sounds so easy with the words rolling from MY mouth when u dont know me but you dont have to know someone inside out to care for them and all u out there suffering im talking to u personally please email me even if its just to tell me how pathetic this email is cos' at least ur communicating with me i am such a good listener so please dont hesitate
07 Aug 2003 the darling-

forget about so-called sin and guilt and anyone else's god and the temporary (though seemingly eternal) pains of life and the numbing, lulling pull of comforting, unchallenging negativity and self-pity, remember every time you've ever felt like smiling without even knowing why... and the fact that you have experienced (relatively speaking) NOTHING yet- and it ain't all bad- swear. (and i have had some CRAP to deal with- the least of which i can give you a sense of in a quick letter)
my only sister just got diagnosed with m.s. last year; this year her husband with prostate cancer; we lost our mom when we were, respectively, 7 & 8 years old; our dad was an alcoholic with a bad attitude (to say the least) who married the step-bitch from hell; i've been raped left by an abusive husband after ten years of marriage and will never have children which i've wanted my whole life; i have no job; no money and my honey lives three thousand miles away.
he called me (just a few minutes ago) and told me our friend's sister (35 years old and beautiful and smart and obsiously very unhappy) killed herself a couple of days ago. not THOUGHT about killing herself. not TALKED about WANTING to kill herself... she is G O N E.
no goodbyes. no chatting. she will not be able to consider any options of any kind in the future. there is no future for her. nor for her 4-year old daughter in terms of a mommy.
if i may call you 'darling' again (i mean no condescending or patronizing address- i just feel so like i want you to feel love- it is out here- all over- however hard to find sometimes) you need to find a person to talk to- and you need to allow yourself to listen to them too. you're here.
my sister, who i treasure more and more every day- and who has shared more of herself since her illness than since we were YOUR age (ok- that sounded condescending- but it isn't- swear!) is HERE (and i bet her kids are glad- i KNOW i am). and however scary and uncertain her future- she still has choices- about her health and who she loves and who she can be loved by and what she sees and feels and tastes.
hell- you have no IDEA what you are trading in this reality for now do you? no CLUE! (no one does- not einstein- not gandhi- NO one!) so what's your rush?
if you just need someone to talk to, you can certainly e-mail me- i will do the best i can to tell you what i think you may be pissing away- though i promise you this- i don't have any answers about how painful and unfair and lonely and difficult things can be at times...
but i bet you have someone in your life you just aren't giving a chance to. but seriously- if you feel you don't have anyone who gets it- i will try to tell you best i can why i think you're being a mush and should hang in there.

i DO know what the alternative is: when my friends have 'checked out' (and i have lost a few- and miss them every day- and are pretty mad at them still for leaving ME!) they are GONE. bye bye. forever. no recall. and not a ONE has checked in to say things are better on the 'other side' whatever that may or may not be.
so i just suggest hanging in there, lame as it sounds.
it's work.
sorry honey- no smooth ride- no angels offering a lap and cotton candy- but i promise you- there's some pretty cool stuff ahead- if you have the guts... (and i pretty much guarantee loads of hugs if you know how to ask for, and GIVE them... hugs can be better than ANYTHING- from the right people)
and there's art and travel and great new foods and kisses and eventually (took me a long time) feeling SAFE and making OTHER people feel good and music and so many things you wouldn't believe it!!! (and i have NO reason to lie) NONE.

so- you can write me here if you want- but i promise you this- you are going to have to make the choice and do the work and have the backbone to get through what's making you so sad. no one else can do that- but lots of people will be around for you if you DO.
(and just ot show you how crazy a world i KNOW this is: i'm no fool either- if this is a scam or a sham and you write me- i'll make you wish you never learned how to SPELL).

but seriously, if not- and you have a problem, i send you hugs and you can write if any of this made any sense and helped at all.

love yourself first- the rest follows.
21 Jul 2003 Kay-Kay U know wat. These r all excusez. An they are all sorry excusez. I am 18 an i use to think like all of u. But guess what, I learn that everybody is different. We all shape different, look different, smell different, act different, and laugh different. But you know what we all love the same with our heart. Why do i wanna be like anybody else. God made me the way he liked me.
Not every body is gonna like me. But guess what i am not gonna like everyone. And who sayz there is anything wrong with us being different from each other. Dont you think the world would be boring if everyone looked alike.
And i know that God put me here on this earth to help somebody. Just like he put you here on earth to help somebody. And i want to get my reward when i get to heaven so i am going to do the work that God put me on earth to do.
I dont mean for you to go out and start scaring people. But know that when the time is right God will show u the reason he put you on mother earth.
We are all here for a purpose. And i dont know about you, but me i want to go to heaven.
An if u feel like you want to commit suicide, find someone to talk to. If u dont think that anyone is out there who will listen to u then write me and or put me on your body list. I will help you through your time of need.
God loves u an so do I. =)
16 Jul 2003 trying to help if anyone wants to talk.. I will try to help u with anything.. just send me an email or add me to messenger if u need to talk to someone
02 Jul 2003 Cheryl Just pretend you already have. Every method that you think up - see yourself there in whatever state it is that the method of killing yourself has left you. Perhaps it will be like the young man across the street, who blew half of his skull away, then left himself for his little sister to find. See your mother like I saw his mother, crumpled in the grass and nearly out of her mind with grief. These people will live with what he did to them for the rest of their lives. I live across the street, and the young man and my son used to be friends when they were younger. He would spend the night at my house, and I can still see his little face, peacefully asleep on my couch -- I would cover his feet with another blanket, because his feet were always uncovered. I remember his life and energy, and it is hard to know that, if he'd just waited another day, week, month - waited for the pain to pass - he would still be here. His suicide, though I am just another Mom across the street, triggered my depression that has lasted for three years. I cried for a year, every night, for him. No one would ever guess that I would do that, and no one ever knew.

I am 50 years old, and I have two sons. Knowing about depression, I have considered teaching a child about it as important as anything else. I told my sons that no matter what has happened, and no matter how horrible you feel about yourself, the pain WILL pass. All of you here need to know that depression is a chemical imbalance. Many of you describe an unfounded depression - life is good, but you feel so badly about yourself, and all you want to do is escape through death. Many of you do not have a good life, but instead you have to contend with abusive parents, or illness, or failure in school. I hear some of you say you are stupid, yet you write with intelligence. Failing in school can come about simply because depression makes you not want to do anything, and especially studying. Depression interferes with concentration, so you can try to study, but you read it over and over because it doesn't sink in.

These conditions have names. They can be depression, bipolar depression, schizophrenia complicated by depression, obsessive/compulsive disorder complicated by depression, ADD or ADHD complicated by depression. Underneath your illnesses, the real you exists - the person who can feel contentment, not give a damn what anyone else thinks, feel joy, look in the mirror and see a wonderful image - whether beautiful or not - a unique and beautiful creation. You are all here for a purpose, and your purpose may or may not be made clear in the next few years, but if you seek it it will find you.

One of the worst things about being young is being self-conscious. You feel that everyone is looking at you and thinking bad things about you. Guess what? They're thinking about themselves about 99% of the time. When you come to this realization, you will be free. When I was young and in school, and the teacher would call on me, tears would start running down my face, it was so painful. I barely talked, I was so shy and thinking people did not like me. I thought I was disgusting and not worth anything. Now I look back at the girl I was and cannot imagine how I thought I was ugly and worthless. What a waste of my young life!! I mourn for the child I was, because I never got to be a child. Now when I hear the young people here saying they are worthless, ugly, stupid - it is gut-wrenching for me, and I mourn for your lost young life. When you say you are already dead, or that you may as well be dead, maybe you are expressing what I just said. Your life is lost, because you cannot feel joy and excitement and just peace.

School is hard for some of you, and a bad grade on a test can feel as if it is a life-ending matter. I made straight A's in school, and I did it when nobody cared or noticed. It was my obsession, being smart. But as soon as I was out of school, there was no way to tell whether I had done well or badly. No matter what your grades are, just try as hard as you can to improve them to get through it. Just get through it, and then get through college or junior college or trade school. When you are an adult, there is no way to tell whether you made good grades or bad in school. Now, they matter if you want to get into a particular college, but even if you can't, did you know you can start all over in junior college, make some good grades and go on from there? You may have people around you telling you it is the end of the world if your grades aren't good, but I'm here to tell you it is not. Bill Gates was a terrible college student, from what I read, and he dropped out. Later, he finished his degree, but only a couple of years ago. But you DO need an education in this world today to be able to show somebody a piece of paper that says you can make a decent wage. Year in technical school - whatever. So what if you don't go to Princeton? You will join the 99.9999% of us out here that didn't either!! So lighten up on yourselves about school. Do what you need to do to get through it as best you can. Nobody's keeping score after you're out. If you have trouble reading, take yourselves or insist that somebody take you to reading help - adult education center. My son, volunteering, helped a boy who could not read, 12 years old, read like a pro in 6 weeks. Whatever your problem, it is not a mountain - just a little hill to get over. There is a solution to every problem.

Please, please live. I cannot see your faces, but I know they are beautiful. Everyone is unique and beautiful. Just for today, take yourself out of yourself for just a while. Go for a walk or a run. Go somewhere isolated and scream. Then sit quietly, close your eyes, and ask for peace. Peace may be death, but we don't really know, do we? But peace in your mind, and contentment in your soul, you can bring about. I know. I was raised by one of the most abusive people on the face of this earth, and daily I was told I was all the names you choose to call yourselves that are so ugly and hurtful. My mother once sat on the edge of my bed and told me that one of these nights, she would come and slit my throat and enjoy doing it. I lived in hell, but I made it out of that hell, doing whatever I could do just to get through. I thought I was the lowest form of life on earth - after all, who is lower than someone whose own mother cannot love them? Now I know she was ill, and I'm so glad I didn't let her make me kill myself. I found love, had two boys who are so wonderful it hurts. I grew up to make two young men know they were loved every second of every day, and I was a great mother to them. They will tell anyone that. My husband is crazy about me. I know I'm OK. But I used to be like you, and feel the way you do. Still I am bothered by depression when something goes wrong, and everything is going wrong right now. Suicide is not an option. Why? My life's purpose was to love people, and that's maybe why I was denied love as a child. See, a reason for everything. We are here to learn, and some of us have harder lessons, but we are the lucky ones. Without knowing pain, knowing joy is just so much more exquisite. All the hard lessons just make us more grateful for the good when it comes. And it WILL come, I promise you.

As corny as it sounds, God really does love you. I think when you cry, God cries, and you can't destroy His creation. Care about Him, if you can't care about yourselves for a while. There is medication for you, and if you get a medication that makes you feel like a zombie, open your mouth and tell your parents or the doctor that you want to try another one. One of my neighbors told me that she takes Zoloft for her depression, and that she'd probably have to take it the rest of her life. I nearly fell down, it was such a shock, because a happier and more enthusiastic person you never met.

Say this:

The light of God surrounds me.
The love of God enfolds me.
The power of God protects me.
The presence of God watches
over me.
Wherever I am, God is, and all is

I am sending my love to all of you now. Please live. Just tell yourselves that killing yourselves is not an option. And it isn't. It is not an option because you won't do that to those you love. It is not an option because you have no idea what happens after you die. What if you will be doomed to repeat the worst parts of your life for eternity? Could be - I don't know, and neither do you. If you don't believe in an afterlife, just know that there are few deathbed atheists. I don't believe in Hell as some fiery torture chamber, but I believe it could be separation from God. Live your lives and work at getting better, and tell people you need some help. That is your first step toward becoming a healthy and happy person. You can do it, and you do not know if it is right around the corner that you will feel like you wish you had 200 years to live. Some days will feel that way, and others not so good. It is the human condition. It is true that suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. I care that you live a good, long life.

Be here tomorrow.
27 Jun 2003 empty and lost will-
it's like 12:30 and i ran across your post. I don't even know you and I want to be there for you. Alot of shit's going on in my life right now, and honestly I'm think of myself as a pretty fucked up person i need someone. could we maybe be friends? Please don't do anything, please? Will could you maybe write me soon, just let me know you're ok?
26 Jun 2003 just a girl will, babe.. please dont.. i know how much you just want to give into that feeling.. trust me i know.. i want to give in so bad, and just give up too...
but now isnt the time.. what will you be proving if you give up now? nothing.. who will you be hurting if you give up now? everyone..

at least allow more time, at least hang onto every little thing you have left, at least consider my feelings will.. and dont do this.. at least not now....
24 Jun 2003 Joe Listen, everyone - I want you to know that what you're going through is NOT the end, and that you can overcome it. I am NOT a teen - I'm 39 years old, but for some weird reason I did a search for "I want to commit suicide" on Google tonight. I'm not sure why, but I was feeling odd. And yes, I did try to kill myself when I was a teen... it was January 4, 1977, to be exact... long before any of you were born. I took a bottle of aspirin (around 29 was all that was there), along with some medicine I had been prescribed for colidous (sp?). Why? Because my life sucked at the time, and I thought there was no way out. I had been depressed for months and had even been committed to a hospital mental ward for this. I was ready to go. But you know what? I woke up from my hopeful death sleep, with a ringing in my ears, and woke up my parents - afraid of what I'd done. To my surprise, they were not mad at me, but concerned and sincere. While they might not have been the greatest parents, they DID care about me, and loved me. This was something I never really believed before then. However, it was enough to get me through that night.
I can't say that life has been a bed of roses since then, but the good times have outweighed the bad by about 95 percent to 5 percent. However in the past 6 months, some of that 5 percent reared its ugly head, and last December I felt the same way I did in January of '77. I sat despondent in my house for a whole day staring at the fire in my fireplace and trying to find a reason why I shouldn't take my shotgun out and blow my head off.
Two things kept me from doing that:
1) the thought of what it would do to my loved ones - including my 4 kids... some of whom are now teenagers, and
2) praying to God to help me out. While I went through 12 years of Catholic school, I've never been what I considered a "holy" person, but I do believe that God cares, and helps us when we need it. If any of you have never seen the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" - with Jimmy Stewart - made in 1946, I think - you need to rent it and watch it. Maybe, just maybe, you'll see something in it that will hit home with you and help you make the right choice. And I can confidently say that the right choice is to CHOOSE LIFE!
Don't listen to the deepest, darkest feelings that are trying to command you now. I honestly believe those are influenced by the devil, who wants to have your soul for eternity in hell... and trust me, that's not where you or anyone else wants you or me to be. If you don't think anyone else cares, know this: I DO! I've never written anything like this to anyone else before, but I can't help but feel that all of you are going through the same (or similar) things that I went through 25 years ago... and in a different, though similar sense, 6 months ago, and I want you to know that someone DOES care about you, and that things WILL get better. It may seem silly and stupid, but if you just pray to God and ask for help - REGARDLESS of your religion, your prayers WILL be answered.
Sorry for the lengthy diatribe, but I really DO care, and hope that I've helped. If so, PLEASE send me an e-mail or respond in this forum. Hang in there.

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