Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
03 Dec 2002 billy - after my recent disappearance i was advised to hold a press conference and have an interview with some honest journalist, i don't really remember the name of the journalist, because i was stoned and it don't really matter. anyways, here are some of the questions and my answers.

Q: billy, after you went missing in action alot of talk started running around, so the question is where have you been?
A: when i was younger my mother always said "why don't you join the circus?" so, i wanted to live up to her dream. i got a job shoveling elephant shit for a travelling circus. the job itself was horrible, but the benefits was worth all the shit, free popcorn and all the mountain dew i could drink, plus the ring master's daughter put out, and you know and for mom.
Q: that sounds exciting, so then what happened?
A: well, when they started calling me billy the shit boy i knew it was time to rock and roll, when we got to great britain, i ran seeking refuge with an old friend.
Q: who was this old friend?
A: lucy cortina.
Q: hey, isn't she the one with the big...
A: yeah.
Q: was she suprised to see you?
A: this was the first time we ever met, i guess she didn't expect me to be so handsome, so she threw me under the bed, in attempt to hide me from her snotty british friends. she wanted to keep me all for herself you see.
Q: of course, so billy, how did you feel being under the bed?
A: i felt with my hands, unfortunately i didn't get to feel much of lucy, for when my hand crept from under the bed -WHACK- with the hair brush handle, it was a neat handle because it doubled as a scalp massager, it vibrated. all in all it was good, but i had to go.
Q: why did you have to go?
A: her sister kept sneaking under the bed and insisting i play dolls with her. you see, i am a manly american man i don't play with dolls, unless the have on camo and little plastic guns, it's the american way.
Q: so where did you go from there?
A: first i went to the hard rock cafe in london, then i went home, i was pretty tired by then.
Q: one more question billy, what has happened to your email address?
A: i received a piece of email from afghanistan, and like a dope i opened it. my poor pc got anthrax, he didn't make it.
01 Dec 2002 Lucy Cortina I'm going to see the new Bond movie soon, *ooh!* that Pierce Brosnan is such a hunk! And Halle Berry reminds me of myself, in the bosom department.
I remember seeing in the newspaper a picture of Guy Ritchie and Madonna greeting the Queen at the premiere of the film.
Call me weird, but it seemed as though the Queen was secretly thinking as he looked at Madonna: "You - Mrs Ritchie. Me - Mrs VERY richy!"
Bless her cotton socks.
01 Dec 2002 Lucy Cortina Billy, I'm more of a kitchen table, garden shed or beach party girl, if you know what I mean.
Anyway glad you're back! Did you enjoy our last rendezvous?
01 Dec 2002 billy in the morning when the sun breaks over appalachia, i am in that limbo between night and day, i like to walk downtown when the streets are empty, i am alone with my thoughts. they seem to echo off the tall buildings then come back to me in whispers, my thoughts. the city agrees with me. the new light from aloft makes everything crisp and clear. i can see for miles. i can walk for miles. just me and my thoughts. so where will my thoughts take me today?
01 Dec 2002 billy lucy, i would never go to a party that i knew had cucumber sandwiches, unless that is, i knew you would be there, then the party would move upstairs.
30 Nov 2002 Lucy Cortina Moucchie! I'm afraid you are committing suicide yourself my dear, by allowing these plebs to dominate your site. I thought a revolution was taking place, but things seem to have leaped back 2 years.
It's like when you throw a party but only the posh people with the delicate-etiquette are invited (Billy and myself), but a load of rough baldies in leathers crash the party. And they knock over your stacks of delicately prepared cucumber sandwiches, which tumble into your champagne fountains. And the sausage rolls end up trodden in the floor like dead soldiers.

I want back my Billy and I want him now...
16 Nov 2002 Lucy Cortina Blimey, this site is getting like my room, full of junk and bits of smelly old fish (it's ok billy - your willy is not to blame).
I just wanted to make a quick point about parents, how they try to act 'cool'. Instead of wearing elegant old-people's-wear, they try to 'get with it' by wearing baseball caps and so on.
That's all I wanted to say. Parents annoy me, why can't they save their kids the years of torture by just donating their private parts to a special camp, that puts 2 and 2 together inside an artificial-whatsit, so that we can grow up under normal living conditions? Eh?
Shame on you, parents.
03 Nov 2002 Lucy Cortina You're right fan. Unfortunately, I no longer know where Billy is. He escaped in the night from underneath my bed, god knows where he's got to now.
I have a backup plan though. I have one of those digital cameras that can instantly send images via email. Every now and then I pop the cam under my top and give Billy a treat.

01 Nov 2002 Lucy Cortina What, you mean that Billy and I have fans?
I always did fancy some hunky turkish guy in some wet speedos stood beside me - as I consume grapes and chocolate - fanning me with one of those huge Peacock-ish fans. And then to be rubbed up and down with olive oil...*oooh!*...very sensual...
Or in my case, vegetable oil will do, considering my new college-economy shopping budget.

Back to the point. We have fans? I'm considering setting up and Billy & Lucy fanclub (one years free advertising is of course promised to you, Mouchette).
Actually, I really can't be arsed. But I wouldn't mind a fanclub. Please set one up for me, someone. If there are any rich, handsome, classy (suicidal 13-year-old) millionaires on this website, please do let me know. I have Britney Spears potential. I'm waiting for you baby...............
28 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Uh-oh..Lucy again! I HAD to post again, since I just heard on the radio that Courtney Love's dog has died after eating one of her breast implants, which she left on the table! I mean - Ohmygod! Do these women never learn? You'd never catch me leaving my nungas lying around for any old dog to get his hands on.
Why don't she just put them in the fridge like any other self-respecting woman?

Ps - This site is addictive, Mouchette. You have me here every day. If things do not change I will be filing a lawsuit against your company, since it does not say on the package of this medication that it may be addictive. Side-effects I can deal with (aka Billy). But not addiction. I NEED to get a life!
Now..where's my Prozac gone to...?
27 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Don't you just hate it when it's a Sunday - you're all alone, none of your 'online-buddies' are around, and so you begin to realise that your 'online life' never existed and that you are really the lonely bore you tried to imagine you weren't?
I am reduced to finding a Britney Spears concert on channel 4 remotely interesting.

It's a good job that I have Billy to entertain me now... he does have his uses!
25 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Billy flew to me on a plane because of a general lust for a breasted sex goddess. There was no way I was letting him come near me with his huge bishop, and so with my tongue I sliced it clean in two.
He now resides underneath my bed. When feeling generous I allow him a crust or two of bread.

The lesson to be learnt here is this -
do not fall in love with a Cortina.
17 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina HYDRO - add? You mean address? Oh yes, Madame Cortina has an address.

The Uglyhome,
No. 26,
Spotty Road,

It's almost Halloween. Me and my mates are planning to commit murder against the vegetables belonging to the vegi-sexual next door. Infact, we could kidnap them and demand a ransom. Threaten to mutilate his precious carrots and marrows. Ooooh I am evil.

14 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina I remember once I was watching Southpark, there were 2 cowboys on. They began to undress, saying "Let's explore our sexuality!" This got me thinking. Thinking, they say, induces breast development. Mein gott! One day I'll need to use the pyramids as my bra - a spiky one like Madonna used to wear.
Back to the point - I was thinking of exploring our proud names.
Cortina: Wanted sex goddess. A Cortina is actually some sort of car, I think. There is also a UK advert on TV with "Hairy Cortina", a freaky man with a huge Afro hairpiece.
I've been confused with famous people too. I once got sunburnt in Germany and a woman began screaching "Oh ja! oh ja! mein gott! Was ist? Ja das ist!" - whatever that may mean. The sunburn was in patches like a christian cross. She thought I was the Virgin Mary (honestly, I ask you!) and a queue of German women formed along the beach - they wanted to feed me tablespoons of milk and pray to me!
So, what about your names? Billy. That rhymes with willy. Quite inappropriate, I think!
Mouchette. Sounds like Machete (those sword things).
I put the question to YOU, dear people. What is in a name? Does your name scream breastiness, sexual juices and womanly potential to others? Or does it scream of a dried up old fart?
07 Oct 2002 pier. have you ever tried to jump from the sidewalk ? you might fall in an uncorrect position that leads you to death ...only if you're lucky.
30 Sep 2002 dee doo 1) assurez vous que vous voulez vraiment vous suicider, assurez vous que vous voulez aussi détruire la vie de ceux qui vous aiment...
2) une fois que vous êtes certain de vouloir vous suicider, commencez à écrire votre journal... vous devez écrire une page tous les jours en expliquant les motifs de votre suicide, si vous ratez un jour, recommencez...
3) une fois que vous avez fini le cahier, c'est que vous voulez vraiment vous suicider...
4) si quand vous avez fini le cahier, vous avez plus de 13 ans, vous ne pouvez plus vous suicider, car ceci est une méthode pour les moins de 13 ans...
5) la méthode: prenez un pistolet à eau, une boite de tic tac, un fil de laine et un couteau en plastique. Avec une échelle (faites vous aider par votre papa, car ça peut être dangereux...) scotchez le fil de laine au plafond et faites un noeud coulant de l'autre coté... Remplissez le pistolet d'eau bien fraiche... Montez sur un tabouret, passez vous le fil de laine autour du cou, mettez vous un coup de couteau en plastique sur les veines (du coté ou il n'y a pas de dents, c'est moins douloureux)
Avalez d'un coup toute la boite de Tic Tac
Sautez en tirant avec le pistolet à eau...
Voilà c'est fait...
Si ça ne marche pas la première fois, recommencez... avec un autre cahier...
28 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Why is the world so bloody ungrateful? I probably saved everyone, thanks to the wonders of my bust. And now I discover that my parents met in a mental home!!!
I found out my dad was in there to do with his belief that he was a woman. And mum for...god knows. They met each other, fell in love and ran away and gave birth to a goddess (me!) My uncle told me this.
She leaves me with childminders all the time... any parent should know not to leave me with Podger Pam! She would probably cover me in gravy and nosh me if I wasn't so tough. Beware mum. Your daughter is on the verge of schizophrenia and it's all your fault.
27 Sep 2002 billy have you ever had something horrible happen to you?, and the only person you can blame is yourself. you beat yourself up. then lick your self inflicted wounds. then comes the pity.
i am my own worst enemy, as the saying goes. i am tired of being tired, and the fruits of my labor taste like boiled cabbage. my tainted spirit is only aided by distilled spirits, so please have a drink with me, i need a friend.
24 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina SO..Sadham Insane is gonna bomb us, is he?
Of course, Lucy predicted this in her famous vision of '96. That is why she donated her boobsters to the British army most recently. Taking the initiative in order to save her proud country. "Our country needs YOU" and all that malarchy.
I suspect that they've sent one of my boobs off to the US to protect them too. Not that it will make a difference, when Mr Bush's ego explodes and showers the americans with its poisonous bile. I so hope that Mr Blair is on his walkies with his master when this happens.
Dark times are a comin.. you mark Lucy's words.
(Or breasts - don't you dare!!!)
12 Sep 2002 billy don't you hate it when you leave a shirt at a friend's house, and you have no idea were you could have lost it until you see it on your friend's back. you could have your name embroidered on that son of a bitch and they will swear up and down it's not yours. "uh, i got tommy hilfiger on one of my shirts and he isn't trying say it's his shirt." you know what, i am going to get insanely obese friends so there is no fucking question.

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