Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
28 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Uh-oh..Lucy again! I HAD to post again, since I just heard on the radio that Courtney Love's dog has died after eating one of her breast implants, which she left on the table! I mean - Ohmygod! Do these women never learn? You'd never catch me leaving my nungas lying around for any old dog to get his hands on.
Why don't she just put them in the fridge like any other self-respecting woman?

Ps - This site is addictive, Mouchette. You have me here every day. If things do not change I will be filing a lawsuit against your company, since it does not say on the package of this medication that it may be addictive. Side-effects I can deal with (aka Billy). But not addiction. I NEED to get a life!
Now..where's my Prozac gone to...?
27 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Don't you just hate it when it's a Sunday - you're all alone, none of your 'online-buddies' are around, and so you begin to realise that your 'online life' never existed and that you are really the lonely bore you tried to imagine you weren't?
I am reduced to finding a Britney Spears concert on channel 4 remotely interesting.

It's a good job that I have Billy to entertain me now... he does have his uses!
25 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Billy flew to me on a plane because of a general lust for a breasted sex goddess. There was no way I was letting him come near me with his huge bishop, and so with my tongue I sliced it clean in two.
He now resides underneath my bed. When feeling generous I allow him a crust or two of bread.

The lesson to be learnt here is this -
do not fall in love with a Cortina.
17 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina HYDRO - add? You mean address? Oh yes, Madame Cortina has an address.

The Uglyhome,
No. 26,
Spotty Road,

It's almost Halloween. Me and my mates are planning to commit murder against the vegetables belonging to the vegi-sexual next door. Infact, we could kidnap them and demand a ransom. Threaten to mutilate his precious carrots and marrows. Ooooh I am evil.

14 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina I remember once I was watching Southpark, there were 2 cowboys on. They began to undress, saying "Let's explore our sexuality!" This got me thinking. Thinking, they say, induces breast development. Mein gott! One day I'll need to use the pyramids as my bra - a spiky one like Madonna used to wear.
Back to the point - I was thinking of exploring our proud names.
Cortina: Wanted sex goddess. A Cortina is actually some sort of car, I think. There is also a UK advert on TV with "Hairy Cortina", a freaky man with a huge Afro hairpiece.
I've been confused with famous people too. I once got sunburnt in Germany and a woman began screaching "Oh ja! oh ja! mein gott! Was ist? Ja das ist!" - whatever that may mean. The sunburn was in patches like a christian cross. She thought I was the Virgin Mary (honestly, I ask you!) and a queue of German women formed along the beach - they wanted to feed me tablespoons of milk and pray to me!
So, what about your names? Billy. That rhymes with willy. Quite inappropriate, I think!
Mouchette. Sounds like Machete (those sword things).
I put the question to YOU, dear people. What is in a name? Does your name scream breastiness, sexual juices and womanly potential to others? Or does it scream of a dried up old fart?
07 Oct 2002 pier. have you ever tried to jump from the sidewalk ? you might fall in an uncorrect position that leads you to death ...only if you're lucky.
30 Sep 2002 dee doo 1) assurez vous que vous voulez vraiment vous suicider, assurez vous que vous voulez aussi détruire la vie de ceux qui vous aiment...
2) une fois que vous êtes certain de vouloir vous suicider, commencez à écrire votre journal... vous devez écrire une page tous les jours en expliquant les motifs de votre suicide, si vous ratez un jour, recommencez...
3) une fois que vous avez fini le cahier, c'est que vous voulez vraiment vous suicider...
4) si quand vous avez fini le cahier, vous avez plus de 13 ans, vous ne pouvez plus vous suicider, car ceci est une méthode pour les moins de 13 ans...
5) la méthode: prenez un pistolet à eau, une boite de tic tac, un fil de laine et un couteau en plastique. Avec une échelle (faites vous aider par votre papa, car ça peut être dangereux...) scotchez le fil de laine au plafond et faites un noeud coulant de l'autre coté... Remplissez le pistolet d'eau bien fraiche... Montez sur un tabouret, passez vous le fil de laine autour du cou, mettez vous un coup de couteau en plastique sur les veines (du coté ou il n'y a pas de dents, c'est moins douloureux)
Avalez d'un coup toute la boite de Tic Tac
Sautez en tirant avec le pistolet à eau...
Voilà c'est fait...
Si ça ne marche pas la première fois, recommencez... avec un autre cahier...
28 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Why is the world so bloody ungrateful? I probably saved everyone, thanks to the wonders of my bust. And now I discover that my parents met in a mental home!!!
I found out my dad was in there to do with his belief that he was a woman. And mum for...god knows. They met each other, fell in love and ran away and gave birth to a goddess (me!) My uncle told me this.
She leaves me with childminders all the time... any parent should know not to leave me with Podger Pam! She would probably cover me in gravy and nosh me if I wasn't so tough. Beware mum. Your daughter is on the verge of schizophrenia and it's all your fault.
27 Sep 2002 billy have you ever had something horrible happen to you?, and the only person you can blame is yourself. you beat yourself up. then lick your self inflicted wounds. then comes the pity.
i am my own worst enemy, as the saying goes. i am tired of being tired, and the fruits of my labor taste like boiled cabbage. my tainted spirit is only aided by distilled spirits, so please have a drink with me, i need a friend.
24 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina SO..Sadham Insane is gonna bomb us, is he?
Of course, Lucy predicted this in her famous vision of '96. That is why she donated her boobsters to the British army most recently. Taking the initiative in order to save her proud country. "Our country needs YOU" and all that malarchy.
I suspect that they've sent one of my boobs off to the US to protect them too. Not that it will make a difference, when Mr Bush's ego explodes and showers the americans with its poisonous bile. I so hope that Mr Blair is on his walkies with his master when this happens.
Dark times are a comin.. you mark Lucy's words.
(Or breasts - don't you dare!!!)
12 Sep 2002 billy don't you hate it when you leave a shirt at a friend's house, and you have no idea were you could have lost it until you see it on your friend's back. you could have your name embroidered on that son of a bitch and they will swear up and down it's not yours. "uh, i got tommy hilfiger on one of my shirts and he isn't trying say it's his shirt." you know what, i am going to get insanely obese friends so there is no fucking question.
11 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Billy, it's my breasts of course. Removing them has cursed the world that created me. The world has lost 2 of its 'Great Wonders', or spots of 'natural beauty'. The wonders of surgery.
Makes you wonder though.. did Michael Jackson cause the holocaust?
11 Sep 2002 billy one year ago today a tragic event took place in america... i got drunk and slept with pillhead violet. why do such horrible things happen?
09 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Oooh! You cheeky cheeky boy billy! You know what I'm talking about..
I've been thinking, about my breasts. They're too small now. Should I have implants? BUT..I heard that Daniella Westbrook fell over on the pavement and hers exploded or something. They just popped! That scares me. And to have the 2 done at once would cost double, methinks. But, you won't get a man saying "Cor, that's a nice knocker girl!" will you? Men's brains work in a way that only 2 will do.
I don't much understand implants. Do you have to have the air pumped in every so often? Like, if I went to the petrol station do you think they'd allow me to re-pump them?
"Hope you don't mind if I fill the nungas up, mate?" "Sure Luce, that'll be £5.50". And then I could attract all the lorry drivers there as I'm filling 'em up.
Uh, enough of breasts.
I've got some Paroxetime today, I'm hoping that will be good for me.

PS - Billy, I hope you have aspirations to be the nu Eminem!
09 Sep 2002 the incredible hulk okay, i am not twelve-sorry, but do want to kill myself. i am super human freak. you see, at one time i was a successful doctor in a chemical engineering company. then one day the unthinkable took place. an explosion covered me with a mixture of chemicals that mutated me into what i am today. sure, i am strong as a hundred men. fine, i can leap 400 feet in the air. i don't mind being immune to desease or pain, but why did my skin have to turn green? i can't get girls like this. do you know how hard it is for me being so alone? i use my super powers to save the world, yet no one in the world wants to curl up next to me. oh well, anyway the real reason i am writing is for advice. you know, bullets don't penetrate my flesh, and no blade is sharp enough to cut me. i have already derailed a train, so how do i kill myself?
07 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Oh my.. gosh.. billy! You are really spoiling uz vith zeez chocolates!

I just had a reduction!!!

06 Sep 2002 the marvelous 3 i spend a lot on all the clothes that i got, because all the geeks that i meet they all seem cooler than me. what to do when they're all looking at you. because you're the freak of the week, because you're on the tv.

i got a shrink i swear he's elvis i think he got the coolest suede shoes when i come in with the blues. he says it's all about culture and art but the truth of it is it rips me apart.

can you make me a promise? stop it before it begins. and will you hold on to my head if i ever loose it again?

tell me i sold out. tell me i sold out go ahead.
05 Sep 2002 The Marvelous 3 I was checked in by four. Put the sign on the door. I looked out the window of the seventeenth floor. I talked to the city that knows me by name and all the bad things that i do.
I shed five bitter tears into five bitter beers, took a look at my watch and said where have the years gone. I'm wasting away like a castle of clay slowly crumbling too.
I was fucked up by five, talking nothing but jive. Said to the bartender "You'll never take me alive." all of this because my favorite show was cancelled last night on tv.
I called up marie she'll have sex for free, but for ten dollars an hour she will listen to me. We'll talk about rock stars and models on dope, and why i can't cope with this scene.
Every Monday I get this pain.
Every Wednesday it hits my brain.
Every Friday I die,
because everyday, I still think of you.

-somebody spiked the punch...
-i thought you spiked it already...
-yeah, i mean i DID, but i'm saying somebody spiked it AGAIN...
-hey guys, what's new and exciting?..
-nothing really, this guy just went and spiked the punch after dude here ALREADY spiked it...
-that's funny, i poured a bottle of rum into the punch before i came over here...
-well, you know what this means...

-hey man, do you think it is wrong to TELL a girl your suicidal to get them to sleep with you?..
-that one makes you sound too pathetic. try telling them you're a virgin, that works for me all the time...

-dude, i had to bring my dad...
-what the hell, why'd ya have to bring your dad!?
-he said i couldn't come unless he came...
-how lame is that? listen to what you are saying man, so what if you get mister willie wet tonight. you can't cum unless your dad cums. how you gonna work that one JUNIOR? where the hell is your suck ass dad anyway?..
-he drove down to the distributor to pick up a keg. he said there isn't enough beer here for him AND everybody else...
-well then... if he needs help bringing that keg in here make sure you come and get me, right...

-hey, can i use your truck? i got to go score some pot...
-yeah, here, wait... do i even know you?...
-no man, you don't know me, but i know one of your sisters' friend's boyfriend, he is on the rugby team with me.
-what! man, do you even have a driver's license?..
-funny thing, i had it suspended last year for getting into a nasty accident. this guy wanted me to drive his girlfriend home. i told him i was drunk. he told me i was nowhere near as drunk as he was. man, was he wrong...
-that isn't funny, what makes you think i'm going to let you use my truck then...
-i'm not drunk now...
-you sound drunk...
-that's just because you're drunk. look at my red lips. i have only been drinking PUNCH.
-well, be quick then...

-girl, what you doing at this party?..
-i heard that lucy girl was going to be here...
-what lucy girl?..
-that lucy cortinez...
-oh i know who you're talking about. the one with the big...
-yeah, and the huge...
-right, i know exactly who you talking about, girl...
30 Aug 2002 Cut Lip James was a con-artist. He lived in a half-way house and spent his measly peddlings on heroin. I saw him one day walking down the street. He asked me for a quarter. I gave it to him. He told me what it was for. I told him that honesty is the best policy and the truth would get him far. That's when I decided that the bricks surrounding my cell were so tightly enclosed that no one could have been in there with me. Who the hell was I just talking to. Who am I talking to now?
-Cut Lip

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