Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

Nom/email
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
19 Jan 2005 Felicia NOT so Great Dear Lucy Cortina,

Today I shaved a dog. The hair got in my bra; as a result I ended up with a hairy chest. It was a fur bearing Chow (mean little runt) and a decrepit Maltese, and a disgruntled Yorkie, who did me injustice today. I shaved a Yorkshire Terrier too short and a customer replied, Alas! I will never come here again!" As I said "Sorry" over and over again, my world of self-destructiveness came to no end.

The smell of wet dog lingers in my dungaroos.

Save me Lucy!! A dog just mauled your rubber gift. I no longer have a pair of them anymore.

...For there is only one.
17 Jan 2005 Lucy Cortina Alert! Alert! My secret bra collection has been stolen! After checking the top-secret nuclear Bra Bunker where agent Danny stashed them, I discovered that they have all been pilfered. Now that is surely [cryogenic] grave-robbing at its sexiest? Perhaps they imagined that Lucy Cortina, moi, was an Egyptian Queen-turned-goddess and that my bras were special. Yes that will be it.
Agent Danny had hidden them before I was frozen so that the mad Dr Philville wouldn't find them and sell them to Mouchette. But I fear that Mouchette did some detective work and discovered them all by himself. Mouchette is now number one suspect in this case...

I do know the location of the Inflatable variety - darling Felicia borrowed them in a fit of lesbianism - but the leather, PVC, silk, gold, strapless, frontless and frillyness varieties have all gone. There was a dirty looking white bra in the bunker but such a bra wouldn't be seen on my boobs even if they were dead (which isn't that unlikely).

WHO STOLE THEM??? I need them to be found ASAP. There were many sizes of bras to fulfill the needs of my very demanding boobs, but now with the recently diagnosed BreastInflating illness that I have, normal bras can no longer contain them (as if they did before). I do hope this mystery will be solved soon, otherwise I will have to file a Boobsuit against Mouchette. It really is le grand mystére de les pantaloons...

*Note: I speak in French every now and then only to satisfy my French Fans*
05 Jan 2005 Lucy Cortina UPDATE ON MEEEE:

My breasts are very unstable and keep inflating and deflating. There doesn't seem to be a cure. My previous pair tragically died and departed to the Great Boobie Heaven, they're probably sat in a prayer circle wearing silk bras and chanting as we speak.
I am told that I was frozen on Mount Booby and have been recently revived. Apparently I am still the same age as I was when I was frozen, yet everyone else has gotten older. That is actually true as my little sister is now into boys and brings them home to do "kissy poos" as she calls them. She puckers up her lips like a vacuum cleaner, and kisses the boys with an evil glint in her eyes, almost as if she's sucking out their souls. The poor boys have to be pulled off her in the end and we never see them again. My sister then moves onto her next victim.

I still have spots, even being frozen for over a year couldn't get rid of them. I think it's about time I put an end to this nonsense and booked myself into an Ugly Hospital (which is probably run by Ugly Nurses. I hope it isn't contagious!)

Mouchette, as you already know, SSSS can no longer deliver me to you. I'm done with the SSSS, just look what trouble they have caused me. I'm now considering new career options, I've had a lot of offers after the publicity from being found on Mount Booby (which, unbelievably, looks even larger than both of my boobs morphed into one when they are fully expanded (imagine that!)) I am considering offers of doing a special weekly edition of "Boobie News" for the BBBC (British Boobie Broadcasting Co-operation), so watch this space.
03 Jan 2005 Buck -And I am starting to come down
-And the grim reaper causally says “Anytime you are ready”
-And I feel like sludgy snow stained brown because of the smog
-And my will to live has reached a level best described as “ehhh, whatever”
-there is nothing to be learned here and I gain only a little comfort by the hollow warmth.


-I am a kid on halloween eating too much candy and guilty and getting sick,
-I am the little innocent told to go away because new people cannot learn to play the castle game
-And I am a little kid buried under books and cold people and words.

-The Grateful Dead is on and using drugs to try and force the will to live only works for so long.

(- for where the new lines really should be)
02 Jan 2005 Lucy Cortina Hellooosh everyone helloosh Mouchettie it's new years eve and Ive had a little drinkie-poo, yes I have. At least it was new years eve when I had my first drinkie-poo. Oh Im so glad to be back again, where is my Felicia? And my Billy? I didnt mean to slice off his sausage meat. I have so much to tell you all because Ive been to the afterlife and Ive experienced my boobies expand to boobnormous heights. I should go nowsh theres a policeman staring at me through the window. I did have my breasts presshed against the window earlier and they left a sort of patch of condensation where they were. I didnt realise that was illegal though.
01 Jan 2005 fghj Employ an editor who will allow your English grammer to be better than laughable.
Good Luck
27 Dec 2004 Stéphane Jacquemain L'ACCIDENT GRAVE DE VOYAGEURS
(A Song In French)
=====================================
J’étais debout sur le quai du métropolitain
Pressé comm’ chaque soir de regagner Pantin
Quand un appel retentit, émanant des haut-parleurs
Suite à un accident grave de voyageurs
Trafic interrompu direction Bobigny
Ainsi qu’en direction de Place d’Italie
Aïe aïe aïe ai-je gémi, ça ne me dit rien qui vaille
Quelque désespéré se s’ra jeté sur les rails
Il me faudra patienter, moi qui me sens éreinté
Puis regagner mes pénat’s dans une rame bondée
Et c’est ainsi qu’excédé par une telle misère
Je lance ce vibrant appel humanitaire
Montrez-vous compréhensifs à l’égard des voyageurs
Dépressifs suicidez-vous ailleurs
Je comprends bien vos motifs, compatis à vos douleurs
Mais dépressifs suicidez-vous ailleurs

Les raisons sont abondant’s, j’en ai pleinement conscience
De vouloir en finir avec cette existence
Oui nous devons soutenir, dès le petit matin blême
La vue des SDF exclus par le système
Endurer le voyeurisme et la perversion soft
D’un peuple béat devant le bétail d’un loft
Souffrir sans mot murmurer, dans les cafés, les propos
Des lecteurs de l’Equipe et joueurs de Rapido
Comm’si c’la n’était pas trop, supporter les mélopées
De Pascal Obispo dans les supermarchés
Mais vous faut-il pour autant aller encombrer les rails
Quand le pauvre prolo s’en revient du travail
Montrez-vous compréhensifs à l’égard des voyageurs
Dépressifs suicidez-vous ailleurs
Je comprends bien vos motifs mais vos méthodes m’écoeurent
Dépressifs suicidez-vous ailleurs

Il est bien d’autres moyens, plus civiqu’s et naturels
De faire ses adieux à ce monde cruel
Chanter du Patricia Kaas à un pit-bull enragé
Déclamer du Salman Rushdie à la mosquée
Rôder sans préservatif le soir au Bois de Boulogne
Jouer au petit Grégory dans la Vologne
Ce ne sont que suggestions : imaginez, innovez
Le métro est banal – et quid des usagers
Du technicien de surface maigrement payé par
La Comatec pour ramasser vos restes épars
Et si votre choix est fait, qu’au moins ces vers vous convainquent
De ne point s’il vous plaît opter pour la lign’ 5
Montrez-vous compréhensifs à l’égard des voyageurs
Dépressifs suicidez-vous ailleurs
Je comprends bien vos motifs, mais comprenez mon aigreur
Dépressifs suicidez-vous ailleurs...

© Stéphane Jacquemain, 2003 Tous droits réservés dépôt Snac sjacquemain@hotmail.com
20 Dec 2004 President Bobo of the SSSS agency Lucy Cortina has now been successfully revived and is in full working order. Her boobs are now stable, after going through a process of inflation and deflation. Our team of specialist doctors spent many weeks pumping out the air from her breasts. Once the air was gone they would fill up again and inflate to bursting point. Imagine the scene: Lucy Cortina topless on a hospital bed surrounded by nurses, with enormous breasts the size of 2 large beanbags. In the end we managed to force the air out by strapping her breasts against her chest very tightly with a tight black PVC bra when the air had been pumped out. We believe Lucy Cortina suffers from a breast abnormality that encourages her breasts to fill with air and then release it again, almost as if they are breathing. We have heard rumours that her breasts may actually be alive in themselves, and that her current boobs are actually a new pair of tits that have been reborn, after her previous knockers departed to The Great Boobie Heaven (where they say that boobies fly around and squish against other passing boobies, whilst men observe them).

We have also sewn on some new nipples for Lucy as the caps from the cola bottles that we used as temporary nipples shot off her boobs during a "nurse! theyre about to burst!" episode. It looked like 2 corks flying off enormous barrel shaped wine bottles. It was actually this that enabled us to force the air from her breasts once and for all.

She is still slightly confused and dazed but has been calling out for "my Billy!" quite regularly, sadly we do not know who she means. If anyone can help us, please do let us know.

We shall keep you informed of her progress and hopefully she may even give you a little visit. But don't expect too much, her breasts are still undergoing tests as they still inflate quite a lot sometimes - we think this may be a permanent 'illness' that is only found in very beautiful women.
13 Dec 2004 You Have No Friends Because You Suck A deep red is illuminated by the eerie blue glow of a light far into the absence of negative space. Falling into old habits, the dreamer is screwing the finger into the temple. Never was always so blank with deception. A Technicolor spotlight shines on the skin of the tan- line. Broken into two equally undeserving portions of one failed memory, the tears fall, staining the translucent skylight. A spiral overcomes equilibrium, stealing the show and breaking concentration. Existence is now no more than a windmill of shortcomings and shattered thought. Falling towards the open arms of no one, tearing down the walls with unbearable laughter. This time will be different. This will end the tragic tale of the unloved poet, the mislead dreamer, the thought of a life worth living.

-me
01 Dec 2004 Piroko Hello, all. I have a deeply important question to ask.

A) Lucy, I am an A cup. My greatest hope is to be a B. Though your boobs have died in a horribly tragic manner, perhaps they were Organ and Tissue donors? That way they could do the world good for many long years after they have departed to the Great Boobie Heaven. I'd be very happy if you could contact me on your boobies donor status.

2) Hello, all.
29 Nov 2004 Garry I would like for all of you to do yourselves a favor, which requires you, on the 14th of December, 2004, (at the strike of 12AM) to walk over to the nearest unobstructed window (or go outdoors) and take a minute to stare up at the lonesome moon. This lonely, but defiant object in the far away skies symbolizes the masses, full of deep seeded wounds. Sometimes the clouds of the world block its illuminating reflection, hindering its progression into the next phase of righteous life. That moon, much like yourself, is resilient, in that, it arrives unwillingly at the darkest points of a day; but yet proudly coasts with the flow of its placement. This moon, bares resemblance, in that, it had not been asked by its predecessors to be a part of this unpredictable and demanding universe; but yet it works regardless of its personal conflicts to ensure the world knows its still alive. Sometimes a disturbing and pesturing cloud or two obstructs the desperation of the moon's arrival; but if you concentrate and glance past all the impeding superficial clouds of conflict, you may find a perspective of the moon that could, quite possibly, set your mind at bliss and widen the imagination of possibility. Look up at this resilient moon of yours and you may find a PEACE of yourself lying within the desperate, strong hearts of someone else. Whisper a breath of positive energy to a soul who may relate to your situation. Find hope within yourself and spread it to a deserving neighbor. Wake up and look out a different window.
22 Nov 2004 Brett It depends on how you want to be found. No loved ones? Then it doesn't fucking matter; just get a gun (shotgun or large calibre pistol--.38, .45, .44, 9mm, etc,)and blow your brains out. Mash the barrel closely to your temple, or better yet, stick it in your mouth, pointed up. But that's going to leave a big mess. If you have loved ones that you care about, do it in the bathtub and call 911 (if American) first. Tell them where you live and there's a suicide, so come prepared. Then hopefully it's all cleaned up before any people you care for have to see.

Or, pills. Pills and booze. This is great, especially if you're known to have a drug problem. You eat about 500 mgs. of valium, say, and drink a litre of vodka, put on some good music (joy division) and no one knows if you meant to kick off or were just overdoing a good thing.

Also, you could go with carbon monoxide. If you have a garage, perfect, but if not just rig a hose from the exhaust pipe into the car, pop some pills, drink some booze, play some tunes, sayonara.

More elaborately, you could stage it to look like you've been murdered, etc. I would say that if you really want to kill yourself, you probably should try to make it look like an accident. Maybe not if you've been horribly abused by your parents, etc., MAYBE, but this is something very important to consider. Do you want to really want to die, or do you just want people to feel bad for what they did to you? Because, sweetheart, once you draw that final breath, you're not going to be there to witness anyone's reaction.

So my final advice is this: if you want to stage some grand Shakesperaean scene for everyone to weep over and lament how poorly they treated you, then you're killing yourself for all the wrong reasons. You should back off and live it out a while, let life unfold and see what happens. It might get better. Honey, please believe me, it often does.

If you really want to die, though, then you shouldn't care to make anyone feel responsible. That's kind of lame when you think about it. They'll inhabit their own hell eventually; making it look like an accident is the most righteous thing you can do.

Please think carefully about this! I slit my wrists when I was seventeen; things still suck, but I'm happy I didn't die then. I'm not the one to tell you do or don't, only please think about your reasons, other possible outcomes, and the people you will leave behind.

I don't know for certain that I won't do myself, eventually, so I'm not some holy roller. But if you're reading this, and if you're in the dark space for real, then know I love you. I don't know Mouchette, but I grant her permission to give you my email.

It's a shit world, yes, but it really can be beautiful. I'm not preaching; do what you need to do. But go easy, brothers and sisters. Think and go easy.

Mouchette, thank you for the forum. You should come and live with me; hell, we shouuld all get together and create some other world that we can live in, together.

Peace and stars, and go easy. Please.

- Brett
05 Nov 2004 Antagonist AKA a bunch of different people Shelby!!!! You are too irresistable. Righteous asses eh? Eh?? Eh????? The only righteous ass I see around here is you, you angry beeyoch.... and maybe a couple other people.... but especially you. I hate fuckers who harp about how everyone else is judgemental, all the while being judgemental themselves. Get over yourself. You don't know everything, and you're not better than anyone.

I am wondering, why such a stigma against suicidal people who say they will commit for attention? It's like suicide is acceptable for every reason except attention. Attention seekers are still suicidal, they are still fucked in the head. They still need help. Why do you hate them?

Don't worry about anyone suing Mouchette. I bet Mouchette wants people to sue him. This would be good for two reasons. Anyone stupid enough to try to get the law involved in this would end up looking like a fucking idiot. Plus it would possibly give Mouchette a lot of attention which Mouchette just loooooooves. Obviously Mouchette wouldn't lose, so who cares.
04 Nov 2004 Shelby Lol, i love all the self righteous asses who are posting and are in the "cruel joke" and "blame me" section.
suicide isn't a joke. not at all. report you to the authorities, pfft, please. unless someone has actually tried to commit suicide they have no fucking clue about it.

and for those of you who keep throwing the "attention whore" thing out, it's stupid, lol. reaching out for help isn't being an attention whore. what is is when you start talking about something you have no clue about and threaten people with hollow threats and stupid accusations. you people are attention whores.

and granted, some people do just claim to want to kill themselves for attention, but whatever, you never know when someone is serious.

so, for all of you attention whores who think you're better than everybody else because you think you can handle your own problems, get over yourselves. most of the kids who want to commit suicide have serious trauma and things beyond your fucking imagination. you have no clue how their life is and how they deal with pain. so keep all your unfounded comments to your damn selves and take a good look at yourself. you're willing to judge everyone else, but it's funny how your own insecurities have you being a dumb ass.
congratulations, you're a moron.

mouchette kicks ass, by the way and if anyone sues her i'm gonna lay a beat down on you. I <3 you, mouchette!!!
31 Oct 2004 Phil Hey weirdass, your posts are hilarious, keep them coming. And dont worry over Felicia, like me she uses anything for cheap self-promotion. Perhaps next you may even see her kissing Britney Spears.

As for the endless idiots who post here wanting to report this site to the authoririties...WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON? Perhaps you should report websites showing pedophiles abusing children to the authorities, or better yet perhaps you should report the authorities treatment of dying people in third world countries to the authorities? If you dont yet understand or 'get' this website, perhaps you should take my advice and let it all wash over you (in the manner of the infamous shower scene in Lesbo College Girls 2). Observe it all and make sense of it all. The people here are all real and are expressing themselves in many weird and wacky, sometimes creative ways.
I, however, still dont really understand any of it. Ooh Im going to be in the shower for a very long time.
27 Oct 2004 Felicia's Last F... Dear One Mad Weird Ass Mother F'er,
(I'll call you W.A.M.F. for short)

I can understand your reasoning for being so p.o'd looking at this website. You'd like to ask these people "Would like like some cheese with that whine?" or "Kill yourself and get it over with, you stupid mother f'er!)

W.A.M.F? Did you know that your opinions really do matter? That's why you are posted in this site. I can understand your arguements about people who incessantly want to do away with themselves and end it all. You get so sick and tired of hearing the same old crap all the time. So that is why SOCIETY has psychiatrists who hear the same freakin thing everyday and get freakin paid for it.

Dude? If you want to make an arguement of a wrong by making a right, why don't you make a statement to the world press and let everybody know about birth control? Maybe you can prevent the future generation from thinking and wishing that they were never born. You know, being one step ahead.... being ahead of the crowd.... being smarter and setting yourself up for world domination.

If you can do that you are in for a big surprise. You know, you just saved the whole world from killing themselves.

Now, W.A.M.F., if I do not make sense and you tell me to shut the "f" up.

But listen to me, you can make a difference. From all your anger and outrage in posting your arguement of how stupid some people are, you are probably right.

This should be your quote W.A.M.F. on birth control:

"If you save a Fuck from fucking in time, you'll save 9."
25 Oct 2004 One Weird Ass Mother Fucker I must know, why do suicidal people ask the dumbest questions, and say the dumbest things imaginable? Is it just Mouchette's site? Mouchette, why are your visitors so stupid?

Why do suicidal people so often ask what dosage they need to take? TAKE LOTS, YOU FUCKING MORON!!!!!!

And why would someone come on here and say, now that I'm the grand old age of 19, I know what LYFE is all about??? Too bad you can't even spell it, you dumb fuck!!!!

And why the fuck would someone come on here and say, "well i am 17 and not too sure if i am depressed or not at current state i have tried to commit suicide twice" Hmmmm, so you've tried to kill yourself twice and you're not sure if you're depressed eh? You are a fucking GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And why the fuck do people bitch at suicidal people to "think about all the people you will hurt"???? That is the dumbest argument against suicide there is!!! It's just so..... wrong!! I can't believe that people are so stupid to make such a statement. Where does one begin to attack these losers?? The argument is just so infuriating, and has so many problems, how do you begin slamming those dumb fucks? Here's how I'd start..... FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! So you think it's selfish of suicidal people to kill themselves eh??? It is so much more selfish in a terrible terrible way to want to keep a tortured suicidal person alive for YOUR OWN SELFISH PURPOSES!!! How dare you tell a suicidal person that they're selfish when YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTS TO PROLONG THEIR MISERY JUST SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO FEEL A FRACTION OF THEIR PAIN IF THERE IS A SUICIDE!!! YOU STUPID FUCK!!!! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DESERVES TO DIE YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!! FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And last but not least..... Mouchette, the dumbest fuck of them all. How dare you censor my last entry. You God damn goat fucking bastard. That was too cocky of you and now you are going to pay. I know very well that my writings are works of art, so I'm not going to give you the gift of my art any more. Consider yourself cut off as of the end of this entry (because I know you're going to get your jollies just from reading this shit you demented freak! I know this excites you, and this is art to you, fuckhead!). Your cockiness has ruined it for you. Maybe I'll give you access to my genius brain once again if you send me one of those fuckin emails you always send to people who don't want them. If you include an apology in the email then maybe I'll write some more genius stuff for you. And don't give me the apology in some fucked up code language or some shit like that. I don't give a fuck about that crap! Just write "I am sorry" and you get my crazy ass writings again. If not, then I'll find some other warped fucked up loser on the net and post my shit there for some self loathing retard who at least appreciates my twisted genius. Oh yeah, I know damn well you're obviously not going to apologize. You'll probably come up with some fucked thing to do that I don't even give a shit about. STOP IT YOU BASTARD!!!! Just say you're sorry and all is forgiven. But I know that will never happen..... SO YOU LOSE!!!!!!
24 Oct 2004 One Weird Ass Mother Fucker The best way to kill yourself is the most painful way, and I happen to know one of the most painful ways around.

One time I xxxxxx xxx my xxxx for 8 hours straight without xxxxxxx. Do you know what xxxx xxxxx are? They feel like someone has injected your xxxxx with pure pain! I couldn't xxxx or anything because just the xxxxxxxx of my xxxxx against my xxx when I xxxxxx felt like I was getting hit in the xxxxx with a baseball bat. So a warning to you all, if you xxxx xxx all day and all night, make sure you at least take a xxxxx in between or something.

Anyway, if you want to die, just keep xxxxxxx xxx your xxxxx for two days or something until your xxxxx become so xxxx that they xxxxxx. Do this if you want to die the best death there is.

Luckily for me, I never have the pain problem anymore because I just xxxxx my xxxxxx xx my xxxxxxx and massage it for a bit, and this relieves the pain.

There!!! Was that good enough for you oh holy mouchette!?!? You didn't post my last entry you fucking piece of shit!!!!! Mouchette won't post what you write unless it somehow brings attention to him. He'll probably even put this post in his favourite section, just because I mentioned his name. You're a fucking prick, mouchette. I'll punch you in the face!!!
24 Oct 2004 Felicia on The best way to kill yourself is to watch 24-hour marathons of reality television, while eating a giant tub of buttered popcorn. Then you swig it down with cola. Later, you compare yourself with Paris Hilton, whose filthy rich, beautiful, and very, very untalented. You then figure you have more talent than she does and hit straight to the top of Hollywood and find that you are a reality television star. Then you hang out with all your friends who love to freebase on taboo herbal remedies. The next thing you know, you're flying free and enjoying a life of debauchery but fail to recognize that the surface beneath you is hard cold pavement.

In other words, stop watching so much nonsense “fad” reality television and educate your mind with books.

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
19 Oct 2004 President Bobo of the SSSS agency I would like to inform you all that the process of reviving Lucy Cortina has begun. We were unable to locate her nipples, so decided to use the caps from 2 Cola bottles. However, we have encountered a bizarre problem. Her breasts were filled with air once again, but then proceeded to inflate and deflate - up and down. Sometimes they inflate so much that we fear they may burst. We believe her breasts may have encountered a timewarp and are re-living the many stages that Lucy went though in her previous life. So, provided her breasts never actually burst, we should be safe. If anyone is aware of the full details of Lucy's Expansion Years, please let us know.

As always, we will keep you informed of the results. And thank you again Mouchette, we shall deliver Lucy to your offices in Amsterdam once she is in full working order.

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