|Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.|
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?
Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
|06 Jan 2004||leanne||hi i'm 16 so i'm not under 13 but i have been suicidal for that long. i've read what everyone else has written and it made me realise just how many people feel the same as me. some days i'm really high and everything is great, other times i'm depressed and just wanna hurt myself. sometimes i just wanna slit my wrists for the fun of it and watch the blood pour down my arm. i laugh at the thought of it but deep down inside i really wanna do it. i have a great life - well so it seems to others but my pain is deep down and it won't go away|
|21 Dec 2003||I hate you||I did it! It's awsome!! The feeling of falling into a deep coma forever. The hopeless feeling that my neural functions are slowly ceasing to operate. I was in a hospital room, the doctor didn't say anything, but I am in a state of full awareness when they open my skull. It's unbelievable and very strange.
When they decide to operate on me to remove the blood chunk in my brain, they can't afford to loose me by using to much anesthetics by knocking out my heart beat completely... something to do with pons and medulla region... I heard everything with my eyes shut. I remember feeling like I was in my own of prison waiting to be freed. And strangely, there was no pain, or maybe there were... the pain didn't really matter at that point. I was ready to learn about every thing about neuroscience.
The doctors seemed professional, because I could not sense any emtions involved. They were like a very careful life saving butcher with artistical hands.
Fear is only another emotion that is constantly increasing... How much I wanted just stand up and scare the shit out of them. But I can't, powerless to move. Helpless, hopeless...
All of sudden I feel sorry, as I see out of corner of my eye and see a nurse, the only one there seem to have some human emotions dropped a tear... I remember my family, those waiting outside the room must feel ten times worse than that nurse I don't know.
I could choose right and then to fight or to let it go... but I felt so powerless to fight, afterall the reason I got myself into this situation is because I can't bare to take it any more. And I say to myself "this is not too bad, not as painful as I thought" Even though I wanted it short and painless, this took much longer than I thought. If I concentrate hard enough I could feel the pain... not like any pain I ever felt before, but a constant sensation that seemed very friendly. Yes, I thought the pain was like a guardian angel that travelled since the beginning of time. And I was fearing losing it, trying to grab on my sensation of pain forever.
I didn't see a tunnel of light, and everything was getting darker and feelingless. So I thought I was going to hell... but why feel so peaceful?
This is the second time... I might develop a sick fetish of killing myself imcompletely and letting people save me. They might lock me up one of these days, and my fear is, I won't even have control of my own life in this world. If I can't even decide how I wanted to live my life, then... what's the purpose of my existence.
Meaningless, life is to be, at least for me.
Part of me still wishes to be normal, and even very sociable on good days, feeling life is so beautiful. Part of me sees the reality, the ugliness of mankind, the stinks of this city of this planet, wishing the world be destroyed hundred times and cast into the sun. Wishing People stop pretending that their life have a purpose, hoping people remember from the time when we are born, we are waiting to die. We are just fucking animals covered flowery skin, wolves under sheep's clothing.
How many justifications do you see per day? How many lies do you hear per week? Layer upon layer, I wanted to fucking uncover all your layers. I want to expose all of you liars out there. I hate this fucking planet. I hate all of you. You fucking stink of worldly taste. Why do I have do it myself? If there is a God, help me to die, erase my life from this world, erase all of you who think the same way. Let the dogs live in a dog's world.
|17 Dec 2003||Erica||I have been depressed for five years now. i know that suicide is a western luxury, but sometimes i just wish there was no more tomorrow to worry about. Today has been bad, i have been crying all day, i know that i am probably being stupid as there are things in my life to look forward to. i would starve myself to death, but i am not allowed, i have been anorexic for the same five years and my parents admit me into hospitals when ever i stop eating. having to eat regularly and maintaining a normal weight is hell, on top of that i am depressed and some days can only manage to wake up, let alone function. i do want to die, but i also desperately want to live. what can i say, don't give up y'all, happiness is an illusion, i never believed in it and i never will. it is the trying that they call happiness, trying to stay sane and looking after others, that is a form of 'happiness'.|
|14 Dec 2003||MauvaisSouhait||Days are getting shorter and even with knowing that, things seem tougher. Like there isn't an existence withouth some sort of difficult anxiety. Like when it's beautiful outside and you decide to take a walk and then it starts to rain. Or when you begin your walk and you trip and fall on something. You begin to bleed and see your life coming out of you. Slowly every bit of your existence is leaving. But it isn't much. You can wrap it up and get home in time to where nothing really happens. Or like.. when i'm smoking and i take a drawl and see the red lit part eat away at the paper... it's like my life is the cig. And then the pain takes a piece of me and eats away at me... and then i blow out the smoke and release some pain... like when i cut and release my pain. It's all the same. But will i ever get to the end of the cig? Will i ever take that last puff and breath out the very last bit of smoke... i wonder|
|14 Dec 2003||Steve||Hey everyone. I haven't killed myself yet, but I fear I must do it soon. Too many troubles. Very few reasons to continue.
I'm surprised Mauvais isn't dead, as I recall her writing that she was going to do herself in the other day. Good for you, Mauvais. I hope you can find some true enjoyment in life and get past being suicidal. Even though I'll most likely end my life very soon, I wouldn't wish the same miserable fate upon anyone else.
I'd been seeing my doctor every once in a while over the past few months for depression. He put me on Zoloft and kept raising my dosage, until yesterday when he gave up on it and decided to refer me to a psychiatrist at the hospital for more specialized treatment because Zoloft didn't seem to help me at all. The psychiatrist put me on Effexor which is supposedly superior to SSRI drugs such as Zoloft. I have little faith in drugs though. Adjusting my mindset at this point would literally take a miracle, and I figure I'm doomed to commit suicide in the days to come.
What is the true objective of life anyways? Is there really any meaning to it? Are we anything but material beings only concerned with our possessions and physical beauty? I've come to believe that there is seemingly no objective or meaning in life, and we are only concerned with our own bottomless egos. People believe emotions such as love are sacred and apply true meaning to life, but is this the case at all? Sure, you may come to 'love' someone eventually, but when it comes down to it, is that 'love' based on anything more than PHYSICAL attraction? You may like their personality and intellect, but if they were extremely ugly or poor, you would no longer see them the same way. Let's face it, humanity seems pretty fucked. We can dance around the obvious as much as we like, but the only solid conclusion is that we only care about ourselves and life is one big, ugly mess. I can no longer deal with all the cuts and scratches of my everyday extistence. There's always been something amiss in my life that can never be found. I feel this must end soon.
Happy suicidal holidays everyone! I'll be returning and will hopefully be able to put in a post before I kill myself. Try and enjoy yourselves, I know I probably won't
everything's blue in this world
the deepest shade of mushroom blue
spilling out of my head
|11 Dec 2003||Thag||I was definitely a miserable person for about a dulling decade. I hated myself and other people and felt like I had no soul. The reasons were probably all tied in with ill forced social interaction within in the school systems. At the time I was physically weak and probably mentally weak. I was then, an easy target for people who made themselves feel better by making others feel worse. Writing this is a catalyst to stir long suppressed memories, and now that I think about it, all of the pain was psychological. I don't think ANY of it was physical. I have several "incidents" of socially humiliating situations which have stayed surfaced in my conscience and serve as epitomies for the many other nearly daily humiliating occurances that my mind suppressed.
A recent change in my life seems to have drastically improved my subjective worldview though. Well, the first change was not having to go to school anymore. So if you're still in high school and hate it, your best move is just to stick it out. But the second change was to look for apartments on the internet (try rent.com) that were really cheap so I could go live by myself on a small supply of income (200 bucks a week about). You have to spend time searching because typically rent is cheap where demand is low and demand is low where there is an unhealthy ghetto social atmosphere. I thought ALL cheap rent would be in some corrupt ghetto but I was wrong. Search for rural places away from major cities. You need to visit there and see if it's a bad area first. Now I have very little stress. I'm away from traffic, hectic work and the miserable school system. Just find some lame 7 dollar an hour job nearby. Some do exist where it is barely necessary to talk to anyone. People in rural places tend to be nicer anyways though. Then build yourself up by reading and excercising. You need to know. It helps to understand things. Think of anything that interests you and search for it at google.com or amazon.com. Start with the topic of suicide perhaps. When you are on your own you can spend all of your time doing what interests you.
One fact I've read that made me feel better is that the brain is not capable of feeling physical pain. Therefore I conclude that a bullet in the head would be the most painless way. We're lucky we have such technology I suppose. What would a suicidal neanderthal do? Well for starters, a neanderthal would be free of most of the civilization caused depression. We could have a government that made civilian possession of firearms illegal. Or imagine a suicidal person on death row who is unable to because he's on "suicide watch".
I'm often skeptical about whether a site like this might mostly be people joking around, but maybe I'll help someone. And if you havn't discovered videogames you need to get yourself a used genesis at ebay. You can escape from everything in videogames.
|08 Dec 2003||¬¬||First of all... you have to get raped... that's easy in this sick fucking world. And don't tell anyone, just you and your dreams, live with your pain some years. Then find a girl that has been through the same experience. Be stupid and think you can save her... maybe she can become your girlfriend, because she's desperate, not because your looks or your feelings. What a pity.
Then, watch her go down, depressed, and trying to kill herself. Eventually she will get a gun, and will show it to you... you can enjoy it, and then feel like all your effort is worthless, as everything you try. Then maybe you will be uncapable of loving another girl, you know, traumas are good. You might get your car and drive as fast as it gets, and you failed cause you are a great driver... wish you were your mom in that moment. Live without sleeping, without a healthy friendship, and hating yourself and your destiny... you can try to cut yourself sometimes works, but scars are scary and people don't like them very much, more when they get to know how you got them... then you find this page... in one of those days you feel like shit...
Isopropilic alcohol... used to clean cds... will surely kill you... and maybe you won't regret it... and maybe you will enjoy it...
|08 Dec 2003||rhjeryh||Get yourself a snowboard (take lessons if neccesary) Find the biggest mountain u can find and go on the top of it. Marvel at the beauty of the world and get second regrets about killing yourself then think to yourself wow im gonna get maybe 30 seconds of fun then go back to my shitty life then just go off the side... you will pick up so much speed that one bail and u will tumble to your death... while going down you realize that you love the feeling you get and then think to yourself "i'm killin myself because i love nothing no more and now i love this" but by then you have already commited yourself to death so u just jump to the ground and everything blacks out.... you wake up 2 weeks later in the hospital with every bone in your body broken but you're alive and you never look at life the same again... u begin to realize that life isn't so bad and u never think of suicide again (This is exactly what happened to me )|
|16 Nov 2003||Sjoinn Sigursdottìr||killing yourself... I have read every submission on this page. No one really mentioned a real way to do it. The most effective way, so it seems, is to become drastic. Eat poison! Be alone, make sure no one is going to catch you (unless your a suicide chump) and down a shit-load of arsenic or some sweet tasting anti-freeze, mmm! Make sure u have enough or it will cost your family a goddamn fortune to hospitalize you. Request a cremation, it's cheaper. Who gives a fuck what happens to your dead body... it's dead!
Maybe i'm wrong... maybe you shouldn't kill yourself. But after all, it is your body that you did not have a say in obtaining. If you think you have a chance, you absolutely need to get your ass over to a Comprehensive Care Center and get the Meds, stay on them, make sure they're right for you and go to group sessions, you'll learn much. Remember, NO ONE KNOWS HOW BAD YOU HURT INSIDE BUT YOU! People that are assholes will say that you are being petty and trivial, others will pretend they give a fuck and some will tell you that you are a weak individual. They are all entitled to their opinion, and they may be right - I don't know you - , but I have realized that possibly the problem with everyone is that we are limited to our own perceptions which are hugely flawed and we don't actually know anything. We can speculate about everything but the reality is that *reality* is everything and nothing. All that makes sense of reality is our own flawed perceptions and how we interpret them... soooo, no one is right and no one is wrong. What I see as sufficient information is that it is true that you are in endless torture. How we deal with it makes the difference. Deal with it as you like but remember you can try to change if you feel like you want it but you have to want it for it to work.
Now that you have a grip on why humans behave the way they do, maybe you can cope 1% better than yesterday. We all came from monkeys, that's a fact. Monkeys can be irrational and very very stupid (the list goes on). Put it in your mind that at anytime someone makes you miserable and can't comprehend why, just remember that they are a stupid ass monkey-relative. We can't help what happens in life but coping is what can get you to the side with the pretty green grass and stuff. But don't ask me how, i'm still trying to kill other people, not myself.
|15 Nov 2003||Dewy||I just wanted to say that I think suicide is a wonderful thing. Though I have yet to succeed, I am going to stop trying because of my children. They are my only reason for living. But for those of you who are not in my situation I think it's a good idea. I know the hell that I am going through and wish so bad that killing myself would leave no repercussion on my kids, but I know it will. And I am sure that a lot of you who are reading this site know the kind of hell I am talking about. I have been on so many friggin pills! I'm sick of it! Nothing seems to work. My doctor keeps promising me that we'll "find the right stuff" to help me but I have all but lost hope. By the way I am diagnosed as being bi-polar with severe depression and psychosis. The hallucinations alone are enough of a reason for me, let alone the times I go from bouncing off the walls to feeling like everything and everyone is against me and out to get me. Like I said if it wasn't for my kids I'd still be trying to kill myself.|
|20 Aug 2003||Nadia||You know, I have heard a lot of stories in people actually commiting suicide, writing notes to their loved ones before they take their own life. I understand, suicide to me was the best option. Get out of this world quickly, efficiently, leave all shit behind and maybe start a new one, whether it would be on the other side or not... It is the best reason among others to get rid of problems... Listen, I'm bisexual, ok, and since I was 14 I knew it and at times I wanted to be a male so much I'd cry in the corner of my room till I could cry no more. I wanted to dress, walk, talk and act like a boy. I wanted to impress and flatter like a guy would, god knows I wanted to. Now imagine it, that is the one situation where you cannot take tablets to change your sex like you can take to depress a pain, you cannot change immediately when you feel like it, you have to LIVE WITH IT for the rest of your existence, whether you like it or not. Now that is one situation where it cannot be helped, am I right? Unless you consider major surgery you cannot. Telling my family... well, I would have none after that. I was depressed, but I thought to myself, why am I like this?? Why am I so negative? and there was no answer. So pulling myself up, I decided to have a go at being more positive in this life. I faced all positive aspects. I am bi, yes, but that does not stop me marrying and having children with a guy. And do I need to tell anyone? No of course not, because I will focus on the right side of me... Soon with my own mind, I felt better, I got up and smelt the fresh air and thought to myself, why not stay?? We were put on this earth for what reason??-to live, simple enough. Thats all we need to know, and that should be enough encouragement for many people. To tell me and others that you simply want to die, tells me you are weak minded and you do not have any immunity in you. So here's a bit of advice, also based on my experiences. To me, love is the most important thing in the world, without love for yourself or anyone else, existence is worthless. Learn to love yourself. Tell yourselves this: There are much worse off people in the world, there are people who continue to live in fear and hatred surrounding them, like living between four walls, people who cannot escape because there are no exits, but in myself, I can find a reason to stand up and go outside, and be positive, and I can survive knowing that my future is waiting for me and I will ensure that my life WILL be worth living, for the today is the begining of the rest of my life, and let that be a lesson not forgotten.
In other words dont sit on your ass, feeling depressed and filled with bad emotion, get out there, get help, draw a list of positives-and I know there is in all of you- and FORGET what went on in the past, leave it all behind. One person to look up to is 'David Pelzer'- Read his first book. And he survived... and so should you...
|19 Jul 2003||Whitney||The worst way to kill yourself is to do it slowly. That I mean by using crystal meth. It eats you away slowly day by day, stripping you of life and meaning. I am ashamed to admit to currently being a user, but I want to spread the word and hopefully change the fate of someone's life. I wish I would have had someone to tell me so. Although I AM quitting this drug, it has forever changed me inside. For a part of this evil will follow me hiding in the shadows of my past.|
|16 Jul 2003||deadlypudding||Before the date of April 27, 2003 I would have responded with a playful remark of some object for you to use. However, after the events of that day (which my cousin,15, commited suicide) I have to say I hope you are not seriously going to try and make that will you?|
|07 Jul 2003||molli||hello everyone-
it has been along time sense I last filled out one of these forms but even though I have not been responding and shit I am here and I am reading everything that has been written and hope with highest hopes that we live on I know this past weekend I almost pasted away ...... my 14 th birthday is coming up on tuesday and I can't believe I made it this far and I thought I would never see 14 ... but this rate I am hoping I will make it to 16... slowly I can feel my depression trying to take me slowly and kill me but it is slowly working even though I am fighting I have been throwing up the little that has been in my stomach and I haven't really been eating and every time I try to eat it just comes back up even when I don't want it to..... my life with my friends and family is getting better but I can't live with a fake smile on my face asking questions that only the loved ones can answer.... I hate me and my depression so much that it doesn't matter what they think any more or how the treat me.... so I am now "saying good-bye to hollywood... I am going to hell, who's coming with me?" but before I go will some one answer this for me.... How can I love others more then I love myself? How did they find the me myself can't find it?
|07 Jul 2003||perverts should all be KILLED||I have been hurting inside for 2 yrs now. i was abused by my best friend's dad. i felt worthless and he told me it was my fault, he took something so precious away for me so i felt i didnt want to go on. on christmas day i took 20 pills and then cut my wrists i dont know how i managed to survive but i did. so for months i cut myself it felt like the pain from my arms took the pain away form me hurting inside then i started college and met my boyfriend and everything got better, then last night happened i had my drink spiked and my uncle took advantage of me and blacked out so i dont know what happened but my boyfiend walked in and saw it now were not talking so now my arms are bleeding again and i have no pills left i fucking took then if u hadnt guessed already they lighting doesnt stik twice well i it does. TO ALL THE GIRLS OUT THERE BE CAREFUL ITS A BIG BAD WORLD OUT. AS THE PERVERT SAID TO ME LIFE IS LIKE A BED OF ROSES JUST MIND OUT FOR THE PRICKS! he said that just b4 he abused me|
|29 Jun 2003||Ben||37 iron tablets, a few panadol, and a cold and flue tablet wont do the trick. so dont even go there u will just be wasting your time. people dont understand why we want to end our lives and the first thing they ask is why? but that just makes things worse cause we dont want to explain ourselves baecause as much as we are hurting, it hurts more to then start talking about it, then they go and tell there parents who go and tell your school principle, who goes and tells your mentor and then she just has to start asking questions, you would think that if they were your friend then they wouldnt tell since u did ask them not to and they promised. Well i can tell u right now, if my parents find out that i want to die and have tried to commit suicide then i will definitely do it and i dont care if i hurt the 2 friends that i care about most cause at the moment they are the only ones that are keeping me here at this point of time but i hate myself that they know cause i feel that i ruined their lives, and i know that i have hurt them in doing what i have done. the last thing that i wanted to do was hurt them nut i am also sick and tired of being in this world, i dont deserve to be here if i make the 2 people that i care about most hurt well at least i know that his girlfriend hurts, i think that he just cares a lot and thats cool. i guess that as much as i want to die there is still a little bit inside me that isnt ready to leave and i hate that part cause it is the part that makes me keep feeling all this pain inside.|
|21 Jun 2003||leanne||ok, i see a pattern emerging ere... funny thing bout us suicidal-selves... we seem 2 present pretty much the same make-up... ED's. and since u ppl, i.e just a girl, mollie and various others, generously provided us with an insight of their ed's... i may as well subject 2 u all, my battle wiv self loathing. i used 2 exercise excessively, trying 2 rid of my non-exisistent curves (@12)!! As a result of that, i neva had the 'pleasure' of developing a woman's body (hopefully neva will). as teen yrs arrived, as did the lazyness, i stopped sweating my ass off and has eva since been fighting a losing battle of anorexia & bulimia. i am a 16yr old trying 2 remain a child, neva wanting 2 accept adulthood. u c, 2 me... 2 eat is associated with happiness & the ability 2 take on responsibility of living a normal life. when i feel i dont deserve the rite 2 enjoy my life &ultimately food.. i deprive my tastebuds 4 a short while until an overwhelming sense of defeat consumes me and i indulge in my failures, my weaknesses and my lack of control by consuming the entire contents of my kitchen. and 4 it 2 remain undetected on my body, i fucking well make sure i rid of my oh-so-disgusting, shameful sins by shoving my fingers down my throat and purging.. this followed by packets of laxatives.. lovely. afterall, to enjoy food and leave it b in ur stomach is 2 enjoy life. i 4 1 have not earned the rite 2 do so. the next 2 weeks r spent keeping my mouth shut, staying in my room, waiting 4 my stomach 2 b flat enuff 2 re-enter the public eye. i can't tell u the shape of my body, as my mind lies and deceives me everyday. ur rite though just a girl... 2 distract the attention i watch a soap, put on a movie, anything 2 distract myself from... myself and my self-mutilating thoughts. my life lacks a balanced mind, i go from 1 xtreme 2 the next, from being an enormous whale 1 day 2 being a matchstick the next. and yet i still choose 2 commit myself 2 wot is seeming 2 b a life-long habit, though fully aware of the damage im doin 2 myself. i guess somehow my depression is linked 2 this. my friends & family remain oblivious of my ed. they haven't even recognised any signs. either that or they choose not 2 deal wiv it.. oh no..they leave that up 2 the expert: moi! how is it wiv all these voices in my head screaming wild things, i still feel so alone??that is until i log on 2 this site. wil i eva recover from my self hatred & eva step off the rollercoaster of self-loathing that seems 2 go round&round??? who knows? anyway.. thanx 4 being bothered 2 read this shit. gotta love u and leave u.. got sum sins 2 rid my body of.. im off 2 the bathroom.. just enjoyed an undeserved piece of toast.|
|18 Jun 2003||Debbie||I'm sure you're not up for my story... but it sounds like you are totally obsessed with this demon we all know as suicide. My father passed away when I was a very little girl-which left my brother and I very close as children and adults. He was my best friend. In fact we shared an apartment for about 10 years while I attended collage. In a way-he became the only "dad" I knew. I could depend on him for anything. He taught me how to drive and even how to cook. Well here's where the story actually begins. I started to notice him becoming distant, off in his own world. He would watch tv but you could tell he had no clue what he just watched. This went on for about 1 year. I kinda thought he was depressed but never knew or dreamed to what extent. He met a girl which he dated for only a few months and things started to go down hill. I called him from work one morning just to chat about the day's happenings and he sounded absoutly fine. After work I went to my mom's to try to tell her about Ray's depression and I thought it might be more serious than "just a phase, as I'm telling her the phone rings and it was Ray. He was so angry and histerical that I didn't ever recognize his voice... he told me that he loved me and goodbye.... I flew home which was only about 2 miles down the road to find he had shot himself in the head with a 12gauge shot gun. I have never talked about what I saw that night because I don't want my family to know how bad the scene really was. The best way I could describe it is if you took the biggest pot of chili imaginable and threw it all over the entire house inside and out. There was a bullet hole on the outside of the house as well. My brother laid there dead with his brains hanging out of his skull... his pain had finally ended and mine had only just began. It has been 5 years since this has happened to me and not a day or even an hour has passed that he has not crossed my mind in some way or another. I still have trouble eating red meat, seeing scary movies, guns, dead animals in the road, blood... the list goes on. So my advice to you is before you end your pain, think about the pain you are causing for your loved ones... for the REST of their life. Your pain may end, but theirs will be just beginning. What you do has an enormous effect on other people. Good luck in you decision and God Bless you-you are not alone.|
|17 Jun 2003||ariel||This is not fucking funny. I hate how people make a mockery of suicide like, "oh i got a shitty grade on that math quiz, i should just go and kill myself." it's not fucking funny. it's desperate and i need a fucking way out. i've already been hospitalized and my parents aren't taking me seriously. my sister made this joke that's like "oh maybe i should kill myself like arielle tried to because that's the only way to get attention in this house." well fuck that, i'm fucking dead on the inside, it's like i need a way to make the vessel dead, my soul is dead, now it's my body's turn. it's so fucking painful. everyday i wake up and wish i hadn't|
|13 Jun 2003||just a girl||"tomato soup"
A new theory has been born... quite a stupid theory if u ask me (even though it's mine) but it works...
At least to give a moment of 'saneness' in my insane life...
I have a theory I can 'wash' away my pain... oh yeah... Im sure you're thinking it sounds stupid now... but long baths and showers have now become my favourite past time... and I mean really long... (I had a bath for 4 hours the other day... so much for water restrictions)... perhaps this was because I had nothing better to do? Or because I passed out from not eating for so long? Who knows....?
But still... the belief has arisen somehow in this psychotic mind of mine... and it's almost like when I have a shower I can feel everything fade... everything is washed away... everything that makes me feel shit and awful and depressed just gets washed away and eventually ends up down the drain (like most things in my life).. and I get a 'clean-slate'... then again maybe I just like the running water for its now the only thing that can drown out my sobs.. they seem to get louder as each passing day goes by...
This week has been full of exams... exams exams exams which I probably failed at least half if not all... turning up having had no more than an hour's sleep the previous night... and still quite intoxicated (oh well)... but at least it means I only have to be at school for a few hours and get the rest of the day off.. (which, in-turn means I get to join the madness of my nonetheless beloved soap operas... (refer to just a girl post the bold and the oh-so beautiful if u really care enough to read my beliefs on that!) )
Today, I came home early after my psychology exam (fail).. and I had a bath :)
my cries as I entered and slammed my front door, away from the harsh reality of the world outside it, really were too much for me to bear today the sounds needed to be drowned... the feelings needed to be washed away so I headed to my bathroom and turned on the tap.. (trying not to look in the mirror as I undress Ill wait till my ribs are fulling showing to do that)
although it takes quite a while to fill... it is worth it in the end.. the melodies from my blasting stereo to my right and the running water of the tap to my left fill the room and consume me.. bliss...
as I lay head under (lets see how long I can hold my breath shall we?) the water.. I still feel the pain inside... wash wash wash!!! (I tell myself over and over).. I glance at my shower at the other end of my bathroom and see me in there all those days ago.. with him.. and I feel sick.. knowing I let him do the things he did to me....
I get my sponge and start to scrub.. my legs first.. my non-existing (thanks to my new friends at my pro-ana site who introduced me to the gummy bear and water diet.. yummy gummy bears) stomach next... then my arms.. I scrub so hard my arms starts to turn red.. and before I know it... my arms are covered in blood... I scrubbed so hard I re-opened my precious wounds from the night before... and the night before that... and the night before that... and so on and so forth...
What seemed like only moments later... and I was sitting in a blood-red bath..
You know how when youre in water too long.. and your skin wrinkles up like your grandmas face to tell you youve been in way too long? Well soon enough my fingers and toes were mimicking the likings of the roly-poly dog on the toilet paper adds.. (my grandmas dead.. so Im doubting I wasnt quite as wrinkled as her.. yet)... but every crack and wrinkle was filled with a red flowing river...
I swirl the water around with my index finger... slowly.. slowly.. and round and round.. it actually reminded my of my tomato soup dinners I would sometimes make for myself (if I had earned the right to have food that day).. but never actually ate.. just played with... always playing.. playing..
I think I sat numb in the bath for about 3 hours today.. before it actually hit me that my wash clean theory could no longer be in operation.. for I was sitting in a pool of my own blood (how familiar).. But unfortunately I didnt lose enough blood to kill myself (what a shame).. so I pulled the plug.. and I watched as part of me once again.. floated down the drain, and simply disappeared (how I would love to disappear)..
That night, I sat in reflection of my television and thought of my blood-red bath (I should do that more often!)... perhaps next time.. if I start scrubbing the gashes on my legs, then, perhaps I could lose enough.. just enough to finally take that to-do off my to-do-list which sits next to my bed (wonder if mummy has ever read it?)
And so.. as the darkness not only enters my mind, but the dark night sky outside as well.. I watched my friends on the bold and the oh-so beautiful fuck each others fathers and mothers (and brothers) as I made myself a nice bowl of tomato soup :)
After all... Ive earned it.... dont u think?