Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

Nom/email
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
04 Mar 2005 Jenny I always wanted to kill myself! When i was in 5 grade i didn't eat and so i got very sick and very skinny! My parents said they were going to take me to the hospital but they didn't! Ever day my parents would get upsett cause they love me! My friends didn't talk to me cause i was doing that to myself! Some of my friends started to cry and one of them started it to cause she looked up to me! So i stoped and i started eatting again! My friend started eatting too!Everone was happy and my parents are not upsett any more! I know what your going through! BUT DON'T KILL YOUR SELF ITS NOT WORTH IT! Now i am 13 and some times i still want to hert myself but i wount cause i don't want to hert the people i love again!
04 Mar 2005   Part of me won’t go away
Everyday reminded how much I hate it
Weighted against the consequences
Can’t live without it so it’s senseless
Wanna cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
And wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low ‘cause it’s part of me
Ya hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me the routine scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I’m sick of this
I can’t stand the sandpaper thoughts that grade away on my sanity
I rather not even be then the man that’s staring in the mirror through me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

It can’t be frightening if you’ve never felt it
Once it’s been dealt with you feel like you’ve been touched by something angelic
And then melted down into a pool of peace
Cease to be the animal you used to be
Remove the broken parts you know were wrong
And feel the karma when the problem’s all gone
And then you start to see another piece of yourself that you can’t let be
And that reason’ll last fight to free yourself
Take it to the depths of the bottom of the well
And now you know you can choose to lose the part in your heart
Where your insides bruise
You can live if you’re willing to
Put a stop to just what’s killing you

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

(Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently
This part of me won’t go away, part of me won’t go away
Everywhere I look around I see how everyone ought to be
Every time I see myself there’s always something wrong with me
Everywhere I look around I see how everyone ought to be
Every time I see myself there’s always something wrong with me)

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me
01 Mar 2005 Era Well hey everyone my name is Era, and i'm writing from the Van Nuys Area in CA. I'm 15 years old and i've been suicidal since i was about 12 or 11. It started with me basically hating myself and everything about me. My mother has a very lousy personality and she usually took out her stress on me and my little brother. As it turned out all the emotional shit she said really affected me and i was constantly trying to make myself better. i began binging, never eating and working out constantly. As a result in 7th grade i began making more friends and i was a cheerleader, for a while all the pain went away because i was kept busy and i truly felt wanted, but when my mother and i started fighting again everything came rushing back like waves of hatred and anger. in 8th grade the cutting began, as well as the drugs and i was taking two lines of cocaine everyday just so i could lose more weight. i ruined almost everyone around me's life because i was known for doing stupid things. they of course thought i was fine, but even as we laugh the heart aches and all my problems were dragging me down. after cutting lost its appeal i began burning my skin and popping pills just to see how many i could take until i went unconcious, when nothing happened i became more drastic and slit my throat. i was unsuccessful and just ended up in the hospital. my mother once again blamed it all on me and my friends didnt know i had a 'problem' i guess you could say that all i really wanted was for someone to notice what i was doing, but no one every did. till this day i think about commiting suicide, but i'm a little older and living with my dad and those emotions dont surface as much. I'm kept busy and go to this continuation school that have kids with problems also and it helps to be around people like me. i see a therapist reguarlarly and i've begun to read the bible, but sometimes i cant really control myself and all i want to do is die. looking in the mirror is like seeing someone i dont want to be anymore and when i wake up its like a slap in my face, knowing that i'm still in this shitty world. i know theres people out there like me and i'd like to commuicate with you all if you want. just email me at empress_whiskey@yahoo.com take care you all.
01 Mar 2005 Rita I don't think I know the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13. I've been reading the stuff people post on here for quite some time now, I still don't think I've read them all, but I feel like I can connect with more people here than I've ever been able to anywhere else. I really did not have a horrible life like some of the people here, but I feel the pain that many of you feel day in and day out. I always felt like the way my mom treated me was so shitty. I noticed that a lot of the things I did never seemed to be right. I was always doing something wrong. I was screw up. I felt like I was the daughter she never wanted. Everytime they would fight it would almost always seem to be because of me. Many may say, "no it's not your fault, don't think that." But once, when they were fighting and my dad had already left for work, she called me into their room and told me that i was the reason they fight. It's all because of me. My mom has even told me how many times she's wanted to leave us. She has yet to do it, but I wouldn't put it past her just one day walk out when she got really pissed off.

When I was in middle school was when depression really started to kick in for me. It didn't help that I didn't fit the stereotype of the pretty girl. I was too smart, too tall, too nerdy to be anything that was considered cool. In seventh grade, in three consecutive days I tried three times to commit suicide. Obviously none of them worked. I was too naive to really do it right I guess. I tried ODing on two of those occasions, leaving a note by me when I went to sleep for when I didn't wake up...I did. The third time, I made a suicide concoction of sorts to drink. I can't remember all that I put into it, but I do remember putting some household cleaner in it. I was too scared to really drink a lot of it...I took a sip..then I broke down into tears. I didn't really have any other suicide episodes until 8th grade when my mom called me a whore and a prostitute because she had found out I had kissed my first boyfriend ever. For that whole weekend I was in tears and so upset.

Freshman year of high school I think was really the worst. My mom flipped out because I had started seeing a guy that was older than me (he was only one grade ahead of me). I continued to see him behind her back and she found out. It was the worse day of my life. The next morning I had decided that that was the day I was gonna end it all. I could not continue to live a life where I'm a screw up for my mother. Always a screw up. I decided I was going to hang myself. My parents were going to my cousin's wedding and there was no way I was going to make an appearance with tears streaming down my face and looking like I hadn't slept in days. I could not put up a front like as if everything was ok, so I stayed home with my plans. I made a stupid mistake though. I told someone what I was doing. He was worried about me and I was in tears so I talked to him on the phone as he tried to console me and make me change my mind. But he had called the cops. They showed up at my door, called me on the phone to asking me to let them in. I was so freaked out and i felt so betrayed by my friend. I let them in and they talked to me and asked me to go with them. They put me in the ambulance and drove me to the Emergency Psych ward. I was there for almost the whole day. I had to talk to a therapist, they kept me in a room with someone at all times. But I think that the scariest part was when my parents got there. Seeing them walk past the room I was in made me want to stay there instead of going home. Needless to say I did. I thought things would get better and they did, here and there. But sometimes things were still shitty. My mom blatantly tells me that if I had committed suicide it wouldn't have solved anything, that I just would have gone to hell. Thanks mom.

Throughout the rest of high school, I managed to deal with everything I guess. Depression would surface every once in awhile. So much so the end of my sophomore year, that I say a therapist again and got prescribed prozac. They put me in a group therapy with a bunch of other teenagers too. That was so stupid. If anything, it just put a bunch of teens with problems in one room, it didn't solve anything, just made us see that there were other people with similar or worse shit to go through. If anything we just bonded over our problems, not learned how to solve them. I stopped taking the meds after a while cuz they weren't doing anything, and I just wanted to take em all at once to see if I'd OD.

I thought I was getting better recently, but I really doubt that. The depressions been coming back, and I've been as emotional as I was back then. I feel empty inside...dead even. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to see a therapist. For me, it's just a waste of money. I've been thikning about committing suicide again. Considering that I'm older now, I feel like I have so many more options for me now. I can do what I want to do...I just don't know if I will yet.
20 Feb 2005 Scott I have overdosed severasl times now and one is very disappointed that I am still. Child sexual assault and poor parenting has lead me to the path of suicide and the urgent want to end my life.

I now have two shrinks, one community mental health worker and a clinical psychologist but between them and all my pills I still want to knock myself off.

Next and sure plan... I am going to overdose on my Temaze Sleeping pills going to the garage and stand on a step ladder and tie the rope around the frame of the roof and around my neck.

When I fall into the coma because of the sleepers I will fall out the ladder.... All over red rover.
13 Feb 2005 Paul Sleeping pills, quick and easy...painless too i guess. ill clean my room and make it tidy ( once and for all) for the first time...and den pop sum pills and lie underneath da bed...so my room stills looks perfect. since my mum wants it to be so perfect, ill leave it so fucken perfect for da rest of her life.
13 Feb 2005 Heidi To those teens wanting suicide i want to share something. When I was a kid I had no friends. I was abused verbally and sexually by both parents and some teachers. I remember almost dieing in an accident and my family made it into a family joke. I was so depressed I would not leave my home. I was extremely suicidal. Teens. Trust me. it will get better. Life as an adult is different than the life you now know. I am glad I hung in there for it will get better. Do not kill yourself. I am now 35. before you kill yourself think about the people that do love you. Your friends. The life experiences of your future that you will not experience if you died. There is life outside of high school. There is life outside your family. A whole new world awaits you after you graduate and find a job and move out of your parents home. Please do not give up on your life.
12 Feb 2005 caity i dont know i have od"D 3 times my wrists are slit 18 times right now i have the words kill me carved in my left shoulder, i tried to hang myself. i swear to god i will never die i wish i would die to finally get it over with. it's like there is some sort of force that prevents me from dying. i hate it! i wanna die i want all of this pain to go away i wanna be set free from myself.
11 Feb 2005 lauren my life is not as bad as many people on this website. I have thought about suicide many times. And although I was not strong enough to follow through with my actions, I did wright a suicide note. Please read this if you are thinking about suicide. If you are still going to do it after this note, please contact me. I will be glad to hear what you have to say. Take care.

Dear Friends, Family, Strangers, Aquaintences, etc.

I, Lauren, no longer have the desire to live.

For as long as remember, I was not needed or wanted. I was always the annoying girl, or the girl who wanted to be like everyone else. That is completley and totally true. I was not as pretty as the popular girls and obviously not as high in status. I was mediocre. I was not a loser but not poopular. Which killed me. I tried making friends with the popular girls, but they quickly got rid of me. I was kicked out of the cool table in 8th grade. Thats ok though. Because those girls were not my true friends. And those evil bitches know who they are. They were they girls who thought they were Gods gift to the world. The girls who walked down the halls and only looked at you to see what you were wearing or how your hair looked. These were the girls who never saw past your clothes or designer fashions. Popularity and acceptance were like fire in their eyes. They needed it and would do anything to possess it. To these girls I say, forget about the material things in life. Hold on to all the good things that surround you. Your true friends and the family that care so much for you. Although I despise these prissy whores, I do feel for them. Because I also know how it feels when you know that people talk about you behind your back. And i was jealous of the popular girls for a while. I wanted their clothes and jewelry and looks and above all else, their acceptance. Now, that im older, I realize how foolish these "popular" girls were. and how I am better off not being their friend.

My family however I can honestly say that I do not need. You may think that this is selfish and mean of me, when you know the real reason I feel this, then maybe you will understand me a little bit better. Keep in mind that I am 16 years old and everything is 100x worse in my mind than it actually is:
My mother, Tara, is one of the worst women I have ever known. since before I can remember, this evil woman had abused me. When it wasn't physically, it was mentally. And when it wasn't mentally, it was emotionally. And so on and so forth. For reasons beyond my knowledge, my mother had hit me or cursed me. I used to think that maybe I was a bad kid. That I answered her back one too many times and maybe I deserved the slap to the face or the bruise on my arm. But now that I am a little bit older, and a little bit wiser she knows not to hit me often. Once in a while I will get a hit here or there. That however doesnt compare to the emotional abuse she put me through. Tara had always been known around my house to have a temper. And taking out her temper on me would be the highlight of her day. I have come to know myself as "cunt or bitch or stupid fuck". I have been told that people from the dad to my sisters to even my grandmother hated me. And having such a weak state of mind, I believed her. I believed that I wasnt loved. And that everyone hated me. She contributed to my death in a large part. As much as she would like to say this was my own fault, I hope forever that she has to bear the fact that although not intentionally, she killed her oldest daughter.
My father, Buzzy, is a perfect example of a trying parent. While trying to keep the screams of his and my mothers fights silenced, he failed to see his postion as not a father, but a daddy. He was the enforcer oif the house. In my point of view he was there to hand out punishments and enforce rules. He was not there to love. Buyt there to fear. He was a rather unfair father and did not show mercy in anything he did. He overeacrted about grades and cared too much about the little things. He was a large part of making my life hell. One day my mother hit me so hard my nose bled, I called him crying and he did nothing about it. His silence showed me that he wasn't there to help me. He was there to make our "perfect" family look perfect. Thats all he cared about. Even though he didnt know it, he slowly caused my death.
My sisters. Sami and Dyanna. I love them with all my heart and soul. They are what kept me alive. Although I acted as if I hated Sami, I didnt. What I did hate was that she was the favorite. That my mother didnt hit her and call her names like she did to me. My parents were always on Samis side in whatever happened. I hated that she was loved and I wasnt.
Life at my high school was perfect. In that school there are no popular people and i was finally accepted for who I was. I had made many friends. Some who will be in my heart forever. I will cherish the memories I had made with them and will never forget them and will be with them always. These people were the ones that held me together. The ones who helped me out with any little problem. The peice if advice I leave with you girls, Jess, Katie, Meg, Britt, and Amanda, is that you keep eachother close. Please dont let the little things get in the way of the beautiful friendships you've created for yourselves.
Francesca. My best friend in the entire world. The person who holds my secrets. The girl who I can confide in. I am so sorry that I did this. To me, there was no way out. I hope that you will be able to forgive me. Please remember the 9 amazing years we've shared as best friends. I will always keep your secrets and memories close to my heart. I will love you always my best friend.
Steve. Many people might not know about Steve. Only the important people know who he is. Steve is the person I fell in love with. He is the guy who made my depressed sad world liveable. For a short while anyway. Steve, although you live in another state, and we were never close to eachother, I have loved you with all my heart. You have made me whole.
I cannot explain the feelings I have for you. Strangers who dont know me are reading this and think Im crazy. A 16 year old victim of suicide in love. of course. You cant have a suicide without a broken heart. But this is different. Lack of feelings from Steve are not the reasons for my death. Steve loved me as well. We have had convorsations that people can only dream of. And although we have not seen eachother in person more than once, I have fell madly in love with you. I dreamed of growing old with oyu, living together, getting married, and having kids. I do not know why it ended this way. All I can say is that my love for you will never die. It will live on forever in my heart, as well as yours. Please know that I love you and that I will be with you forever. As long as you love me.
I AM WITH GOD NOW. I believe that he was one of the few who loved me. he was there for me when no one else was. He heard my cries every night whether he wanted to or not. He saw went went on behind the walls of my "home". He new why I di this before you did. To me, his is the only person I can trust in this world. I want nothing more than to be with him. I peace. In extasy. In pure happiness. I think that I will receive what I deserve. When I am standing before the devil and Jesus Christ himself. I will get what I deserve. And I am now strong enough to say, that I am prepared for the consequences of my actions.

My life as you see was not perfect. I was not perfect. I have made mistakes that I regret even to this day. This is probably the worst mistake I have ever made. The point of this letter was not to be a typical suicide note. It was to inspire others like myself to take another road to freedom. Talk to someone close to you. Everyone has someone they can talk to. In my case it was God. Death is not the answer. I know this is hard advoce to take from a dead girl, but you need to look inide yourself. Past all the bad memories and bruised emotions.
Look down deep inside your heart and realize that there are people that will be upset if anything bad happend to you. YOU ARE LOVED. So please take my advice and treasure it. I on the other hand did not have advice as valuable as this. AND IT COST ME MY LIFE.

love is always in your heart
lauren alexis.
10 Feb 2005 Freya My mom and dad split up when i was 13months old because my dad was A drunk and stuff . My dad then said he never wanted to see me or my sister again unless my mom took him back . She didnt , yet he continued to see us until i was 4 . Then he stopped . I cried every night , drew him pictures and wrote him letters asking when i could next see him...he never replied . It got too much for my mom , who phoned him and insisted we saw him...he walked out after 5min without saying goodbye or anything . My gran has always hated me , she bullys me and calls me "lier,little cow,bitch,ect" , when we have to go to her house , i cant eat when i go there as im so depressed , so loose weight tons (we usually go there for 2 weeks) . My aunts got a mental illness...and last time i was alone in my grans house she came and tried to kill me by ripping at my hair and face...then when she asked my gran if she should go and say sorry or tell my mom , my gran said "no , dont bother"...A couple of months later my cousin(mad aunts daughter)called me "a malicious cow and a horrible little girl" because she didnt believe her mom tried to kill me(even though when my cousin was younger my aunt tried to strangle her aswell , and many other occasions)...so now all my family hate me aswell(no one believes me).In my primary school i was bullied by my yr3 teacher and my yr4 teacher...then in yr5 kids started bullying me to...i told my mom..who told teachers..who made it worse...by yr6 it was people hitting me and stuff...teachers still failed to do anything . In yr7 (newschool) got bullied also , just because i had afew spots , apparantly have a big chin and i never smile(how the hell can you smile when your depressed and stressed??? )(people bringing a point to that didnt exactly help either)...In yr8 i couldnt take much more as my teachers had started bulling me aswell as my so called mate getting yr10s to threaten me and people in my class bullying me ,so after tons of hell trying to get into millionsof schools ect...i managed to get a place at my currant school...Where i got the exact same treatment as my last two schools , ive only been there 3 weeks and already ive been called names and made to feel crap and worthless ... Thats my life ,Ive thought of suicide so many times but in the end i cant ever bring the knife down to my wrist(technicly proven to be the least effective way to kill yourself)...I would have ended it ages ago but i realised that , yeah , okay i may not be the best looking,the most confident ,the most popular or anything but im gonna make it big.I still get depressed to hell , i hit my head on walls , i cut my feet with penknifes , I bash myself up and i cant help it , because in the end , " depression is not a choice " and "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds the resources for dealing with pain" , Im stuck in a circle of misery...but i still havent commited suicide because i know theres going to bea day where all those people who made my life misery are gonna pay for it big time . Recently ive become paranoid of things...for instance;i cant have my wrists upwards cuz i think there gonna slit ect . When your depressed all you think about is your crap life is , you cant think of anything worse than being you . I havent ended my life yet because i cant face the fact that then in a way i would have lost...i would have let the people desperate to ruin my life win, and i dont want to give them that victory . Come on, dont commit suicide , cuz , "Life is a game we all have to play , We all know from the start it will end in death so dont loose before its over " ... Email me if you want a friend or just someone to talk to ... xxx (i also have msn)
04 Feb 2005 kerri i was 13 the first time i tried to kill my self now i am 33 and suffering perment kidney damage from all the pills i took will be on dyaliss before 40 or untill my kidney's shut down. it is hard so hard to live but so easy to want to die.... even after all this time i still every day think of some new thought or some brilight sceam. mail me back we could share ideas
28 Jan 2005 WAMF The best way to kill yourself is to go out in a blaze of glory. I am slowly killing myself by living an unhealthy lifestyle. Why are so many people health nuts? Who gives a fuck! Everyone is going to die anyway.... so what if health freaks live just a little longer? Life is short regardless so who cares? It's as if being unhealthy is offensive to those health freaks. Fuck you, health losers!!!! So you have muscles that pop out.... who the fuck cares?!!?!?

Every Friday I go to the grocery store and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all at once.... along with 2 litres of coke, and a bag of chips and X number of donuts. I just finished two massive servings fried ass asian food, and my stomach is bulging like nobody's business. Who cares!! So maybe I'll die a little earlier, I LIKE FOOD!!! GOD DAMMIT!!! When I go to a buffet, I literally eat until I puke!!!!!! I fucking masterbate 10 times a day, I'm an alcoholic pot smoking, lsd using, clit licking, muff munching mother fucker, and I'm going to party my way straight to hell and ya'll can kiss my big fat brown hairy ass!!!!!!!!!

So if you're depressed, why not just indulge yourself. Be a glutton, a sloth, a perv.... and feel free to add in whatever other sins in to the mix.
25 Jan 2005 Loud whisper Hmmmmm, where to start? Pain, Anger, doubt, suffering, self hatred, sorrow..... I can go on and on....... obviously if you are reading this you have had or probably still have struggling thoughts of suicide. And after reading so many posts here on this site for about 4 months i have decided to write you all my own little short story...... like the most of you my life was tough in every way possible..... Everyday was filled with pain and sorrow..... i have been trying to commit suicide scene i was 12 .... i am 15 now . it began slowly with self hatred then self abuse.... ( cutting my self and banging my head into walls constantly) i tried stabbing my self, slitting my rist, suffocating my self, overdoses, and jumping in front of cars...... i was stuck and lost inside of my self .... i felt like no one could help me and even if they could who would care enough to any ways? . After the attempts i was consistently sent to counselors, social workers and physiologists..... Eventually i gave up on life..... Everyday i would wake up hoping to die.... after so many attempts i wondered wut in the world kept me here???
i tried avoiding my pain by drinking ALOT... sometimes to the point where i couldn’t even remember where i was or wut i was doing ...smoking and doing wut ever else i can do to get by another day.... every night i cried my self to sleep....... now one night specifically i had a bottle of pills in one hand and a remote in the other ready to try another attempt.... i was flipping through the channels now i guess i must have landed on some Christian channel ... and i remember this mans voice loud and clear ..." my child .... God sees your pain and he wants to show you his love ... he sees you now and he’s saying Put Down Those Pills..... God loves you”.............. Shaken by the man’s words i quickly drank the bottle of pills..... Why... I don’t know.... but i ended up in the ER almost dead..... but again, once again i was Blessed enough to survive...now im not here to preach to you but i am here to tell you that i was given a second chance at life ...... another chance to make things right... now the pain... and bruises done over the years is not going to disappear in one night... i cannot guarantee you that life is going to be easy.... but i can guarantee you that there is someone who cares....and who will help you though it.. God Loves you and if you got this far into this letter ...THEN hear the Voice of a girl who once stood in your foot steps..... Who felt what you are feeling who’s been where you have been
LISTEN to me when i tell you Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.... Never loose hope.....and now you have heard my side of the story... if you are still reading this i tell you that no matter what you have been told you are not an accident.... you are here for a reason... and ur alive today thank God, for you are here today..... Reading these very words and breathing..... if u want to talk about anything at all or jus want to ask me n e thing Please feel free Email me at Aslama@al.com
24 Jan 2005 Jon I thought that getting drunk and wrecking my car would have been the best. I was four times the legal limit and the cops said I was going about 90. I hit a telephone pole and it spun me off an inbanckment into some trees. I destroyed my car. I was still fucking able to get up and walk away. This is the second time that I should have died. I guess i need to try harder next time. Hopefully a bottle of perscription sleeping pills will work.
24 Jan 2005 why would you want to know my name? we are all walking dead. Those of us who want do die. I feel only apathy and rage. silence is the only way
21 Jan 2005 Era Lucy Cortina sorry about you being braless and all, but those guys hooting at you...thats just disgusting and its good that you're much more sophisticated then all of that.

Well hey everyone my name is Era, and i'm writing from the Van Nuys Area in CA. I'm 15 years old and i've been suicidal since i was about 12 or 11. It started with me basically hating myself and everything about me. My mother has a very lousy personality and she usually took out her stress on me and my little brother. As it turned out all the emotional shit she said really affected me and i was constantly trying to make myself better. i began binging, never eating and working out constantly. As a result in 7th grade i began making more friends and i was a cheerleader, for a while all the pain went away because i was kept busy and i truly felt wanted, but when my mother and i started fighting again everything came rushing back like waves of hatred and anger. in 8th grade the cutting began, as well as the drugs and i was taking two lines of cocaine everyday just so i could lose more weight. i ruined almost everyone around me's life because i was known for doing stupid things. they of course thought i was fine, but even as we laugh the heart aches and all my problems were dragging me down. after cutting lost its appeal i began burning my skin and popping pills just to see how many i could take until i went unconcious, when nothing happened i became more drastic and slit my throat. i was unsuccessful and just ended up in the hospital. my mother once again blamed it all on me and my friends didnt know i had a 'problem' i guess you could say that all i really wanted was for someone to notice what i was doing, but no one every did. till this day i think about commiting suicide, but i'm a little older and living with my dad and those emotions dont surface as much. I'm kept busy and go to this continuation school that have kids with problems also and it helps to be around people like me. i see a therapist reguarlarly and i've begun to read the bible, but sometimes i cant really control myself and all i want to do is die. looking in the mirror is like seeing someone i dont want to be anymore and when i wake up its like a slap in my face, knowing that i'm still in this shitty world. i know theres people out there like me and i'd like to commuicate with you all if you want. just email me at empress_whiskey@yahoo.com take care you all.
20 Jan 2005 A Lost Soul Saved ok, i just want to thank everyone who posted anything. i understand how hard it is to express such emotion but personally i am glad you were all so brave. i have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since i was about 9 after being molested by my alcoholic uncle and well even tho i still feel as if my life has been prtty bad i feel somwhat relieved to know that i am not a lone and i also realize there are others who have/had it much worse than myself. reading these posts has really changed me. thank you all and my you all find peace on earth in some manner.
18 Jan 2005 xxsunangelxx I would just like to say this...
If you arethinking baout killing yourself please talk to someone. I have been there and done that. I have delighted myself in others suffering due to my death. Earlier this year in November, I was seriously close to ending my life. I had it all planned so that my mom couldn't find my body.. Blah blah.
I changed my mind though when my mother told me the news of my uncles death.
He has shot himself in the head. We had his cremated reamins brought home for a service. His body was not suitable for an open casket. It is hard on you and your family. You feel anger pain and hatred. It is one of the hardest things in the world to walk into a room that you know someone shot themselves in. Yes, I had to drive with my distraught mother to his home. We had to get his belongins. When I walked into that room, you could smell the remanents of it all. The rusty metallic blood smell, gunpowder.. Worst of all you could see all the grotesque details of the aftermath. Once you experience this, you'll never want to leave your family and friends in that situation.
As I cleaned around where he had layed, I found several pieces of bone from his skull intertwined with his blankets. the blood on the wall and ceiling was awful. Plus, the bulletts and boxes of them all over the house were too much for anyone to see. Please imagine the worst possbile gory scene in a horror flick and multiply it by 1000. This is a memory that is ecthed into my mind. I wake up many nights from nightmares. I can see him doing the whole thing in my head and I can't get it out of memory.
Please do not end your life.. There is always a better out there. It may not be now but patience is a virture. Please don't leave your friends and family in a situation such as this. Please talk to someone.. It does help. I realize this now.. If only my uncle knew.
17 Jan 2005 gareth to all the people who have read this! im 21 yrs old and have bin fighting feelings of suicide since i was 11 years old and i still have to keep going, i know not for myself but for all the people who i matter to even if sometimes i don't believe i could ever matter to anyone! So thats my sacrifice, to keep living no matter how much i wana die! So find it inside yourself to keep going! if not for you then for the people who matter to you!
17 Jan 2005 Still Dreaming One day I will wake up. I will know today is the day I do it. I will sit staring out the window into nothingness all day, waiting for one reason to live to come to me. No reason will come, there is none. No one will visit, I have no acquaintances, no one will call, no one is that interested in me. All day I will see the world in nothing but greens and blues. On a warm summer night as it nears 12 o’clock my red blood will splash against the cold toned universe and be forgotten.

Soon my body will be as cold as the glass of the window I sit in front of all day, wishing I was free of my life.

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