Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
02 Oct 2005 me ive been thinking about killing myself. i feel so empty sometimes. and the sad part is no one even realizes it or notices. At school i always smile give compliment entertain people and generally i come off as a nice person. So what i want to know is will they miss me if i'm gone?
01 Oct 2005 Dont want to say I'm 15 and 16 in 7 days. I've tried committing suicide on several occassions and it isn't nice. Harming your body and yourself is also harmfull to the people around you. I was bullied at school and moved on to a new high school. In my other school, in the month of May, year 9 I taken an overdose. Which obviosuly didn't kill me, because I am here today writing this. Many think that overdosing is harmless, trust me on this one, it's not. Overdosing, is VERY painfull indeed, makes you feel like complete SH*T! It Hurts your stomach, throat, and makes you feel weak! Since then i've had councelling and moved on, i still Harmed my body, but now, I've stopped.
I Just want to say to those out there:
If you are thinking about suicide, then please think again.
You are here for a reason, you might not think that now, maybe because you are depressed, But infact everybody is here for a reason.
If you wasn't meant to be here, then you wouldnt have been born in the first place.
You may feel like SH*T at the minute, but there is somebody out there, somebody who will accept, love, care, hold you close when your cold.
That somebody is out there for YOU and everybody else!
Lifes SH*T - I know.
But if you think positive then you will come out of the tunnel at the bright side.
Being abused aint nice, I know i've been sexual abused!
Bullied isn't nice, I know I've been bullied.
Whatever you are going through, i wish i could sit and talk to you face to face, because being hurt is totally painfull.
To everyone out there that is hurting, if you TRY and believe in yourself, then you will be believed by others that suround you.
God bless you!
30 Sep 2005 Ira I am 30 years old and being that I've had suicidal thoughts myself as a teenager I understand that part. I also see how my life has greatly improved now and am happy that I am alive, have two wonderful children, and will re-marry soon. Life CAN be so beautiful when you grow up. It has nothing to do with your childhood. Life is what you make of it.

If someone told you that you would be happy some day, wouldn't you want to stay alive? Well I am telling you that you will be happy. You are a fighter, but you are unable to recognize it at this point. Your struggle points out that you're squirming and trying to fight back. Aren't you curious to see what will happen tomorrow? Well lovely things will happen. It sucks to be a teenage child, I know that. But it's so good to be an adult. No more insecurity, you don't depend on other people, you love and respect yourself for who you are and you make your own choices. Life is beautiful. Not always, but very often. There is a lot of pain and joy at the same time. Please don't kill yourself! If you think nobody cares about you... I assure you, I do!
Your Ira
30 Sep 2005 Crystal I was taken to hell and I watched big guards with spears herding people to a judge sitting on a throne. One by one the prisoners were made to stand in front of the judge and he read their crimes from a scroll. Then the guards grabbed teh prisoner and threw him off the cliff into the lake of lava or fire. There were lots of people in the lake and they didn't die. Their flesh was dripping off but they were still alive in agony. God took me to hell to warn me not to try and kill myself again. I was trying to kill myself from an overdose
28 Sep 2005 Ira I see that most of you feel that the best way to kill yourself is to stay alive! But that's so untrue.
There are ways to get out of your misery. The reason why you want to commit a suicide is because you are in deep depression. You need to:

1. remove the reason for depression;
2. to cure the depression.

Depression is successfully cured by taking medications regularly. They make you feel good so you won't need drugs or alcohol. All you have to do is visit a therapist. They WILL NOT ask you to tell them how your father beat you or made you please him orally or any other terrible story you don't feel like sharing. All you have to do is say: "I don't feel like sharing my life story with anyone at this point so please don't ask me any questions. I am in deep depression and have suicidal thoughts and fantasies regularly. I want to fight my depression and not take drugs or drink. Please help me. I would like to try some anti-depressants and perhaps some kind of therapy (later)."

Please remember that the shrinks are not cops and they will not interrogate you, judge you or blame you for anything. They deal with cases like yours every single day. They chose to help people like you, because they care, not because they judge them.

Medications raise your mood and help you feel okay. If you're not content with your medications, ask for another brand. Not every medication helps everyone. Sometimes it takes time to find the right one so make sure you cooperate with your therapist and listen to his or her instructions. There is nothing to be ashamed of. And don't start any therapy at your own responsibility - there are people who are paid to take care of you. Now doesn't that sound good? :)

The other thing you need to think about is what caused your depression. In most cases it's abusive parents. You need to remove yourself from any abusive situations. Go to school, do your homework, find a job, make friends online, engage in some activity that makes you feel good and that will drag you away from the abusers. Don't do anything aggressive, it will make your life even more miserable. You need to understand that not all people are evil and not everybody's life sucks. If your parents are sexually or physically abusive, you need to talk to the social worker that is in charge for your area. They will not put you to a foster home if you show that you're responsible and reliable. They will help you cope with the situation and make the abuse stop. If you've been sexually abused, tell your mother or social worker about it. If you're put in a foster home and the foster parent abuses you, report them! You need to fight for your destiny, not let other people destroy you as they please.

I was sexually abused by the step-father and I wanted to kill myself. I've been having a drinking problem for many years. I married the wrong guy and he left me with two little babies. While I was married I tried to kill myself twice. I just wanted to attract my mom's and ex-husband's attention, but I could've ended up in comma and/or mentally destroyed for the rest of my life. Michael Douglas' brother tried to kill himself with pills, fell in comma, and is now mentally and physically ill.

There IS help to reach out there, you just need to look for it. I've been happy my whole teenage life and I didn't look for help. I should have. I blamed myself for what happened to me and I wasn't even aware what was going on in my life and why. I thought I deserved the misery. But I didn't.

My misery stopped when I left home (the step-monster). That was when I got married. My ex-husband told my mother that he had molested me and she divorced him right away. Since then I became much happier - the reason for my misery was removed for good. Then I got divorced and I realized that another reason for unhappiness (my ex and his daughter) was removed too. Then I wanted to find true love, I put my profile on a dating site, and found a nice boyfriend. We broke up 8 months later, but he brought my self-confidence and self-esteem back, appreciated my personality very much, and I felt loved again. He still loves me very much.

Another reason for unhappiness is my mother who is emotionally abusive (I still live with her). She calls me and my kids names, tells me I am worth nothing, yells at us (we yell back at her, of course), tells us that nobody will ever love us or put up with our shit, that I am a bad mother and don't care about my children (so untrue!), and many other painful things.

But I am beyond her influence now. I am too strong to be affected by her crappy statements. She feels guilty for what she let be done to me, she feels bad for her own miserable life, bad health, etc. I love her very much, but I decided to not mix love with hate. Just because I love her doesn't mean I will believe her words and think she is good. She is not good. She is what she is and I am what I am. I know I am good. I know I am worth loving and living with. I just don't care what she says. I will re-marry soon and leave her forever. I will NEVER again let anyone ruin my life. I will be in charge of it. And I will never do to my children what she did/is doing to me.
I am now 30 years old, have two beautiful 7-year old sons, met the love of my life a year ago, and will soon re-marry and move to another country. My new BF is wonderful. I pray to God (or whatever power is above us) to give my children and the people I love good health, and I will take care of the rest. Nothing will stop me from being happy this time!!!
27 Sep 2005 The Nameless Aright, I stumbled across this site nearly a year ago. I was in the middle of class, oblivious to everything around me. I was 16 and I wanted out. Now, I'm 17.

I'm not here to talk anyone out of suicide, or anyone into it. As much as I hate to tell things about myself, I'm going to tell you all a little... maybe a lot. I know there's a lot of people that have been here and completely agree, and completely disagree about the whole thing. Well, here's a little view on the neutral, uncaring, people hating, life hating side.

It never really hit me before, in the past 4 years of my sinking depression, that I could remember having the very same thoughts 10 years ago. I always wondered "what would happen if I just grabbed the knife and stabbed myself?" Everytime when I was little and I walked past those knives, that's what I thought. My parents were, and pretty much still are alcoholics. The only thing that stopped me then, was a child's fear of pain. At 11 I was sexually abused by some kid I met. At 14, after being arrested, I reached a breaking point and from then on I have slit my wrists multiple times. I've wanted to end it multiple times. I've had 3 hospital visits under those circumstances, and under malpractice. I've been allergic, immune, and have had the opposite effects from multiple anti-depressants. The therapists here are horrible. They only want money and don't give a shit about you, or understand you. I couldn't eat or drink anything while on cymbalta but the psychiatrist wanted me to keep taking it, and they can't keep a schedule.. EVER. That's just the physical problems with my depression.

I never feel worth the time. I can't see myself with a future. I don't have the motivation to get a job, or do anything. Everyone thinks I'm such a great artist... I don't. I look at everyone else's art and I can't understand why mine's so great. Everyone thinks I'm so pretty. I don't really think so. I don't feel worthy of my friends, and I don't feel worthy of my boyfriend, whose forgiven me, and cared for me and would give up the world for me. I've screwed up and hurt so many people. Nearly everyone I trust stabs me in the back. I don't like people at all, but for some reason, many of them love me. The people that hate me is a different story. These people, I didn't do anything to... I've been framed, betrayed, and rumors have run wild because someone, wanted attention and couldn't deal with their own shit. I became a person to blame everything on. I didn't do a damn thing and this person wants me dead. My current best friend, used to be her best friend and originally started talking to me because she told him to kill me... It may seem twisted to you that my best friend originally wanted to kill me (not because he personally wanted to, but because he was doing what he thought would help a friend) but I wouldn't choose anyone else for a friend. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for him. And likewise, he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me... That and no matter how many times he's tried, and numerous dangerous ways, it just has never worked.
I'm glad that he and my boyfriend are around, because I don't know what I'd do without them, especially at home. My mom at least understands... most of the time. But when she's pissed, you just don't want to be near her because she can say some nasty things sometimes. My dad, however, things I'm a worthless piece of shit. I guess I might as well be. As for school, it's a prison, and the people in it, are for the most part, horrible little sluts, bitches, assholes, and bullies. Of course... it doesn't exactly help when you're bi I guess either. Most of the girls don't care because they know I'm not going to do anything... but the guys are always out to get you into bed with them and their girlfriends. Sure, I'll kiss a girl in public. I think it's so stupid that there are (mainly) girls out there that find it gross. Boys and girls have the same damn skin on their lips and if you think that's gross then you might as well tear your own lips off too.

Now, I know there are probably people out there that are saying "you just want sympathy from everyone." If you're one of those people... Fuck You. Don't judge me. I know someone who really does do it all for attention. She shows her wrists off and complains about them at school. She always has crazy stories about the shit that goes on at home and there's no proof. But of course, she always says mommy and daddy had a fight, mommy walked in while I tried to down my pills.. while I was bleeding... blah blah blah. She says she's been to Juvie, Boot Camp, smoking, doing drugs, has a custom guitar and drum set and her own band, dirtbikes, surfboard, skateboard etc, when she was 8... But she can't do any of them now and there is no proof either. If you want to say that I'm that histrionic, sympathy sucking, know-it-all, show-everyone-up bitch that I know from personal years of a bullshit friendship... then you are sadly mistaken. This is the kind of shit that makes me say life sucks and how anyone that's gone through worse can pull through, I don't know. I don't know that my life will get worse, or better. But it hasn't been great, I can tell you that. I still have my really bad days... when I want to say hello to my jagged little knife again. I've put him away for the last 9 months... the longest time ever. I try not to think about it. But, myself liking pain... it's hard to resist sometimes.

So far all of you contemplating life or death, I'd say go ahead and e-mail me, but you're life is not my business. You have to make your own choice and whether or not someone's there to say 'dont do it' or 'I understand' can be a small or big factor. Fact is... if you're really set on doing it, you wouldn't be able to be talked out of it. But second guessing yourself is a chance you can always take if you're not really sure. One day you'll know what you really have to do. I still don't know.

Now, pertaining to the question... just to stay on task. Maybe this won't work for someone under 13, but I know there's a lot of young people that know people WAY older than them. Anyways, either have someone 18 get you a couple of boxes of triple c, or steal a couple boxes. Find your parents bottle of vodka, or have someone buy you one... Now... put them together like this:

Down the boxes of Corricidin C+C, (not all the pills at once... if you don't weigh much, you might need just 1 box) Then, drink shot after shot till you're feeling pretty drunk. (or just chug the bottle. Might want a chaser though) Grab yourself a razor. By the way you should be feeling, your judgement will be pretty off and you'll probably get yourself a good deep cut or two.. or three... if you have a nice razor, knife, whatever. It'll probably work really well if you use a serated one. After that, either keep drinking until you pass out... or just sit there and wait to. Don't know how well this'll do the trick for those of you that have made up your mind, but this was pretty much my plan not too long ago. You probably wont feel too bad, unless of course you have a bad reaction to the CCC. Then you'll end up with a seizure and possible seeing your body underneath you (meaning you're either dead or hallucinating a LOT) Hopefully, this way you can go out having a little fun before you pass out and die in your sleep. (That's if you dont have the seizure... and chances of that are low unless you've been chronically using Triple C as of lately)

I don't know how long this is, but hopefully something I said, got inside someones head, whoever it was meant for. I don't play sides, so hopefully there was a little bit of something for everyone.
25 Sep 2005 Akira Hey guys, I'm sorry to hear all of this stuff that I'm hearing. I know how all you guys feel though, but I have never thought of suicide. I don't give up, If I go down, I'll go down swinging, I wouldn't take myself out. Anyway...My dad left me when I was six, then came back when I was 14, and beat the fuck out of me before leaving again. I've been picked on, I've even been stabbed in the stomach by a kid at school and you know what? Those mother fuckers laughed at me, even when blood was dripping on the floor. I had to crawl to the fucking office to get help. It filled me with anger to know that if i did anything to the kid who stabbed me, he would just stab me again. I was helpless. But you know what. I'll be honest; No bullshit. I took 6 sticks of hash and went crazy on him. And I knew before I took the hash, I was going to do it. The hash was just to make sure I wouldnt back down. Anyway I took a rock to his head and when he was crying and beging me to stop, I kept pounding it on his head, until his skull cracked. He survived. but now he is mentally ill and I feel terrible. I went to jail. (Basically, jail for minors actually) and i just got out a year ago. I'm now 23 and I can't believe all the shit I was missing out on as a kid. I enjoy life now. And I want other people to enjoy the pleasures of throwing tomatoes at cars, getting drunk with friends, sex, love, loud punk/emo/ska music, awesome cars and clothes, staying up and watching the stars until two o clock with the girl/boy you have always dreamed about. If you are thinking about suicide, at least im me. I'm always there, online every day, and at the least, you could just iggy (ignore) me. Thanks for your time.
22 Sep 2005 Lo 13 year olds have too much that can change positively in the future. There is no way a 13 year old should try to commit suicide, except maybe just on paper. Write it out like a journal, get everything that makes you mad, everything that has gone wrong. Write what you would do about it. After a while this should make you feel better... or go get some antidepressants. Doctors like to give them out.
I have a story.
I'm not a teenager anylonger. I did not try to kill myself, I just wanted the pain to go away.
I'm a failure at everything I do.
I have no friends.
I constantly get ditched.
I get made fun of.
The list goes on and on.
I have a drawer full of medications.
I decided to down a bottle of anti-depressants.. ironic, huh.. If you're dead, you can't be depressed.
The pain was so strong it made me swollow all of it.
A few minutes later, I heard my little niece yelling for me, she had come to visit. Turning point. I made my mom rush me to the ER, where they checked me and made me drink that charcoal. The taste of that charcoal is something you will never forget. Now, if I ever think about doing something stupid like that, I just think about the charcoal. Makes me throw up. Just goes to show you, it may take a tought time to reveal what is actually good in your life. Don't risk it or lose it.
21 Sep 2005 ashley I came here for the same reason most of you came here, to find a way to end your life. Honestly, after reading all of your stories, it really makes me second guess. I've been through all the same things. I can't begin to count the times I've tried to kill myself and failed. Some people would tell me that it's because God wasn't done with me, or that it wasn't something I truly wanted or I would've succeeded by now. But it is something I want. I realized that no matter what I do, or where I am or who I'm with or who loves me, I will NEVER be happy. I will never ever be happy with myself. I'm always going to want what someone else has, or just want something different. The grass always looks greener on the other side when it comes to me. I can't deal with one more day of this freakin' bullshit. BUT, this year my best friend died. Not of suicide though, it was an accidental drug overdose. But I've had two of my friends parents die of suicide, and my Uncle die of suicide. My friend, Matt Krawcyzk, was 17 years old. He was the loudest, most craziest person you'll ever meet. Everyone loved him so much because he was so funny and such a good person. But Matt loved drugs. His sister found him dead in her apartment this past December after doign a bunch of OC's and coke. Seeing all of my best friends and his family so devastated.. I don't ever want to hurt them like that. Do you want to hurt yuor family? Maybe everyone has screwed you over somehow, and maybe even your family has.. but don't let them see that you're weak, because you're not. You need to rise above it and just prove you can do it. I can't do it! I won't lie. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I can't deal with the fact that I hurt EVERY.. SINGLE.. PERSON. I can't deal with being broke, or going to college, or missing my friends since they're away at college, or dealing with disappointing people, or daeling with missing my ex and being so in love and having it hurt, or the drugs anymore, or drinking. I've been in rehab countless tiems for drinking and suicide attempts. WHEN AM I GONIG TO GET BETTER? ... never. i will NEVER get better. i need to be saved. i hate my life. i just want to say... you all do have something to offer to someone, you just don't realize it. <3
17 Sep 2005 i was just like you all hello visitors of mouchette..all of you looking for a good way to kill yourself...i was just like you...i hated everything and i hated myself..the first time i posted on here was in february asking for ppl to email me if they have good ways of killing themselves. many ppl emailed me and i got to be best friends with one of them..she really helped me and i helped her.. i even went to met her in august for the first time..she lives like 5 hours away..i WAS JUST LIKE YOU! i even tried to kill myself twice..i had a good method....btw slitting your wrists is the worst method in the world..and FYI LSD will NEVER kill you..if overdosed on it will just make u literally brain dead....oh yeah i tried to kill myself by asphyxiation..i took 23 pills of both sleeping pills for insomnia and pills for blood pressure..then i wanted to put a bag over my head and tie it with a belt but i passed out too quick before putting on the bag and belt...i spent a week in the hospital and got my stomach im okay..i dunno how i got better...but im telling you..stop blaming the isnt what happends to you..its how you take please think about it before you do it...i know what im talking about..
16 Sep 2005 rock chic I have tried to kill myself twice...the first time i was withdrawling from herion and i took 90 of my grandpas tegratol (an anti-sezuire) medication. I inturn had seziures for over twentyfour hours while my dad held me down thinking it was apart of my withdrawl...he didn't want to call an ambulance because i had warrents and he was afraid i would go to jail. I ended up in the hospital in a coma for almost two weeks and i am here living to tell the story, so dont try to do it with your parents medication, it usually leaves u worse off than u started. Then a year later, i slit my left wrist with a double edged razor blade. I pused so hard i cut through 2 of my tendons and had to be rushed in to sugery. I had passed out when i seen the blood, and my inside of my arm, a i fell so hard it alerted my grandma to c if i was ok, i proably could have been gone right now if I had been alone, so I would sugesst slitting ur wrists, expecially if u r squimish! Cause then u will pass out and not feel a thing. I still think about it all the do u think i found this website?

16 Sep 2005 5 days time I am 13 and I have decided to talk a bit before I am gone. Just 2 days I had cut my wrists just to relieve some pain and what do ya know it didnt. Then the next day being so depressed I took a load of pain killers hoping to die but god damn I didnt. It so happens that overdoesing doesnt usually work. Ive tried two times and both of them I have ended up vomiting all of them up. Atleast I missed a day of school. So I was at peace no preps no bullies (see someones post "bullys fuck up peoples lives" very true I think.) Oh yeah and no fucking gothic skateboarder kids making fun of me every second of the day. So now I have decided to try killing myself with the slow process of starvation & dying of thirst. I decided to get a sweatshirt to cover my slit wrists and arms for the meantime so no one will find out at school and try to fucking stop me. And to waste away the time from my fucked life I listen to the best music group ever "simple plan". Almost all of their songs reflect me. I think ill list some for ppl to look up say damn strait my life sucks its just like the lyrics of those songs. So... me against the world, im just a kid, perfect world, worst day ever, welcome to my life, god must hate me, and lots lots more if you look simple plan up. Intresting names dont you think? Oh well fuck that. Time is ticking and im gonna be gone soon. And im not leaving no fucking email adress so none of you fucking "nice" ppl can contact me and convince me out of it. Hey you know what i think ill post some of my favorite songs lyrics.... I hope you like reading cause I hate typing Oh well heres Welcome to My Life "if you feel like the lyrics thats my life".

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Long song i know but who the fuck cares it true and I think I should be going now. Oh and if any of you go to WBMS in vinton fuck you cause you are probaly some fuckin prep and I hate your guts so everyone just get fucking off me cause in about 5 days time ill be "offing my own fucking self" and their is absoubtlutely nothing you can do about it. ,,!,, (-.-) ,,!,, SCREW YOU HIPPIES!!! God Must Hate Me for me to being this Lyrics:

Last night I just wanted to have fun
To go out with my friends
I took my dad's car
I never thought he would find out
But I crashed in a wall
Man I'm dead
I guess it's no use
I'm screwing up ever little thing I ever try to do
I was born to lose
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

God must hate me
He cursed me for eternity
God must hate me
Maybe you should pray for me
I'm breaking down and you can't save me
I'm stuck in hell
And I wanna go home

Last night I had to study for this test
I forgot man I'm dead
And now my brain is bursting out of my head
I can't think I can't breathe
Once again

I guess it's no use
I'm screwing up every little thing I ever try to do
I'm born to lose
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

God Must hate me
He cursed me for eternity
God Must hate me
Maybe you should pray for me
I'm breaking down and you can't save me
I'm stuck in Hell and
I wanna go home

So what in the world am I supposed to do?
I never did anything to you
So can't you find something else to do?

God Must hate me
He cursed me for eternity
God Must hate me
Maybe you should pray for me
I'm breaking down and you can't save me
I'm stuck in Hell and
I wanna go home
(God must hate me)
I wanna go home
(God must hate me)
I wanna go home
(God must hate me)
I wanna go home
(God must hate me)
I wanna go home
(God must hate me)
You can't save me
God Must hate me now
FUCK YOU ALL AND REMEBER IF YOU GO TO WBMS In vinton virginia forget this post and SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
09 Sep 2005 ad ar You know what I have felt like this on a number od occasions over my life time.

Even now when I have two wonderful grown up children I sometimes feel the same.

All can say to any of you who are out there is, look at what you have got.

If I had had my way I would have been dead at 25 years old and if that had been the case then I would not have had two beautiful human begins, my son who is now a policeman and my daughter who is now travelling the world.

Even after thier birth I have felt like committing sucicide and still do on occassions.

But the one thing that keeps me going is the love of those around me.

I hope you find happineess through the darkneesss like I have.

Remember if I had given in all those years ago there would not be two beautiful people leading their lives like they are now. And giving me so much joy

I matbe a lot older than you are but I was abused and lonely at your age and I came through it all.

You can make it. You have so much to live for.

Take Care
08 Sep 2005 Scors-b What follows is an account of my suicidal plans and thoughts over the last 2 years. If someone emails me I may post again.

There are several problems with most common suicide methods. Overdose is hard because you can under or over do it, which leads to vomiting. It's can also be quite slow (unless you loose consciousness first) and incredibly painful. (Trust me on that one!)
Cutting has a fatality rate of less than 10% (so I hear). The body is very effective at stopping bleeding... and think about how much blood you have to loose (the body holds about 10 pints!)

Personally I would say the most certain ones are the 'bread and butter' ways - jumping from a great height, or in front of a high speed train. I know in England we have something called the eurostar (it goes to Paris) that runs very fast, through several small town stations. I often thought about getting on to the rails in front of one. The trouble is there is no timetable for when it passes through these places, and climbing to the middle rails as it hurtled forward at 120mph would have me ****ing myself.

There was even a very tall, 4 lane motorway bridge where I used to live, which I could jump from. (This was when I went to boarding school) The trouble was, how could I get there? I have trouble walking long distances, and I could hardly take a cab! (Can you imagine it?! "err, one-way to the bloody great bridge please mate!")

The thing is, trying to plan a certain death is a hard thing to do. Our whole society is geared against talking or even thinking about these issues. As you probably know, talking seriously to someone about suicide is nigh on impossible. People would much rather keep one eye closed when it comes to these matters. For me, this was a great problem.

I had a plan though: I could always hold on to the overdose idea. I could execute it at school, in my private study. No-one ever came to see me, so disturbance wasn't a big problem. All I needed was a large amount of readily available tablets. Getting them was not too hard, I just had to go to 3 or 4 shops on the same street, that was easy. It was the taking them that was the hard part. If you have ever had to take regular medication, you'll know that by about the fourth tablet it becomes quite hard to swallow. Taking 120 is really tough. Also bear in mind that by the end of it, you won't want to see another painkiller in your life.

It was the first day of the new school term when I decided to do it. Stacks of meds, glasses of water, alcohol. I set to work. 40 long minutes later and I had finally consumed what I had set out to take. I didn't feel that great: just slightly sick in the stomach. I lay on my bed, and what followed was a slow building of pain throughout my body. Then, about 2 hours in, I vomited the whole lot back up again. It was really not pretty. You know in cartoons, when they vomit? It was like that. My jaw was locked open with a wide, projectile flow rushing out and pouring on to my bed. The smell made me even more sick. I could only lie back down, listen to the guys outside and think about what to do next. I would be sick again, within 48 hours, but I didn't know that yet. [see post, 31 Jul 05]

What would you do now? You've just puked your last hope of leaving this world right onto your knees. I sat, there on my bed for a while longer, hoping for God to save me, or for the ground to open up, while still acutely aware that in the huge boarding house there were nearly 100 sixth form students walking around. After 10 or 20 minutes I decided to call an ambulance. Well why not? What else could I do? I could hardly stroll downstairs, with puke down my top and say "Hi guys, how’s it going!", and I certainly had no intention of going to my lessons.

What followed when the ambulance arrived was a long misery. I was taken to the local hospital and I spent 9 cold and lonely hours in A+E. It felt like a prison cell. From 1pm to 10pm, with a drip in my arm, and very little attention. No food, no water (I couldn’t eat). Just lots of cold sweat, hard to breathe and intense stomach pain. I could feel the acid working its way through the bottom left side of my belly. I still have similar pains today.

At 10pm I was wheeled in to a ward which had a single room. There was a notice on the door about segregation from others. I wasn't sure if it applied to me. I fell asleep to the sound of nurses walking around and the TV in the background. It felt good to be in a safer place. A doctor woke me at midnight, and told me I need to drink this black stuff, charcoal, to help my stomach, I did so, and my drip was changed. I then fell asleep until 06:16 the next morning... See my next post, dated 31 Jul 2005 to find out what happened next.

I suppose it was nice it that ward in a way. I felt safe because I knew there was nothing I had to do now. I was away from the people who hated me, and I could understand exactly why the nurses did what they did. People spoke gently as it was late, and sometimes, I forgot that I was in pain. If only the real world could be like that, just softly melt away, and there would be no pain or fear.

It wasn't to last. And over the next few weeks I realised more than ever how cold the world was. You probably know this yourself, which is why you're here. I feel bad for the kids who have the hard times that they do. Families should be there to love you, and help you grow up, not to abuse you. There should be another way to live. Can't well all just have the happy childhoods' we all wanted? My childhood has made me a scarred young man, and I just don't feel I have any place here anymore. There's no place in this sick world for me. Please tell me you understand, because if you read this far, it must be for a reason. Perhaps when we die, in 2 weeks time, or 2 years, or 70 years, there will be freedom from the sickening oppression that exists here today. I don’t know how to end this post, because to me it feels like life, which is a story, and I don't know how the ending goes. I just hope it's soon.
08 Sep 2005 Sarah when i woke up this morning i wanted to kill my self but after i have read everything these ppl are saying im not so sure now, i mean i will never get to listen to my favroit song again, i will never get to see my favroit TV show again, you say you want to kill your self but have you really thaught about it??? i mean you might be getting put through hell but there are ways to get away from it cuz beleve it or not some one does love you, weather its your best friend or your teacher someone does love you, there are ways to resolve things i mean heres my story my mother ran out on me when i was 8 and i have had to live with my father ever since and about 8 months ago i started to get happy, i fell in love me my brothers and sisters started to get along but then my brother had to go and break into the guy i was in love with house, cuz he liked me back, he was being "protective" but at the same time ruining my life and about 4 months ago i had to move to taylor the shittyist neighbor hood ever! i had to go to an over populated skool, WITCH I HATE!!!! i cant stand it but theres always a solution run away if you have to im concidering that more then death, i wanted to kill my self plenty of times and i have come really close, but i mean im now concidering running away rather then death, yeah lifes a bitch (for some ppl) but trust me your time will come it will suck to have it come too soon if you need any advice IM me on yahoo or email me (thats my sn too)
07 Sep 2005 anyway... Well, that shit really isn't cool. Cool as in "okay".
Man... what to say? It's funny hey, I have almost managed to kill myself with drugs that I have been taking (ironically, those prescribed to me by a professional doctor) and I no longer want to commit suicide. Even now as I sit here I am not sure that I am going to live more than days or weeks... hah. How fucking ironic.
You know what I realised? Life is precious. Each individual is never going to come back... they are never going to be born again or wake up in heaven... that shit is just the denial bullshit that religious freaks convince themselves of.
05 Sep 2005 me from holland ia year a go i took 15 sleeping pills it didn't work
05 Sep 2005 Adan Here is an idea.
First, you will need to be insitutionalized. Get your self locked away in some asylum for a long, long time. Not giving yourself anytime to see friends, family. Even do such extreme things in the asylum to get yourself put in your own room.
This is so you can be forgotten. That is Suicide, to live no more, to be forgotten. And you if you have nothing to say at any point in your life. Do this.
Then, when you realize how wonderful an outside life could be, how even pain is something to live for.
Im 21, I questioned suicide since i was 12 up till i was 18. I happy i never died, life did get better. Rate your happiness on a scale from one to 10, if your ready to commit, your at a One. Make a new definition of happiness at 1. Something will be their....
Basicly: the higher your are the harder you fall.
2. Life wll improve.
3. Do you know what could accomplish? could you solve the worlds problems? Maybe, to the latter, the problem has yet to be simplified for you(ie. 2 +2= 4)
04 Sep 2005 Justin I'm 23 and I seem to be the oldest of anyone who I've read posting on here so far. Although, I've only read one page of posts thus far. However, I've been dealing with intense depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 10. The background, well, I was smart. Sometimes I think some of my problems stem from that. But who knows. I was never an attractive guy, I've never had a girlfriend or the like. I was never popular and I never really had any friends until I got into college. Still, high school and junior high were the most terrible years of my life. Every day I thought of killing myself, tried to think of the best ways to kill myself. However, I wasn't one who wanted to pass quietly at home, I wanted to make sure everyone knew that I had died and that they were the ones who had caused it. I fantasized about doing things like hanging myself at school, drinking poison at school, etc. I was in high school when Columbine happened, and for a time I thought that that was what I wish I could do, the ultimate vengeance on those who had made my life so miserable. Still, I never had the guts to do any of it. In the end, I quietly passed from high school to college where things became ever so slightly better. Still, though, without the anti-depressants that I now take, I do not think that I would be alive to be typing this message. However, I am alive and I am typing this message. I have a unique perspective on suicide and death. And if anyone here needs someone to talk to, feel free to email me. I am always available and I do not judge.
04 Sep 2005 green cold.
i feel cold and empty.
i blank out everything until i am just
an empty shell
waiting for things to change which never will.
darkness is so inviting
never to feel again
never to be responsible again
i cant deal with life
and all the trouble i am in.
i think about sliding into
cold dark water.
looking up as i sink into death.
or a pill to take away the pain
drifting away into mist.
i lay here waiting for the end of all things.
darkness is all around
undetected by others, but always here
inside me.
i.. am.. cold..
i am so scared.

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