Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

Nom/email
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
16 Nov 2002 Lucy Cortina Blimey, this site is getting like my room, full of junk and bits of smelly old fish (it's ok billy - your willy is not to blame).
I just wanted to make a quick point about parents, how they try to act 'cool'. Instead of wearing elegant old-people's-wear, they try to 'get with it' by wearing baseball caps and so on.
That's all I wanted to say. Parents annoy me, why can't they save their kids the years of torture by just donating their private parts to a special camp, that puts 2 and 2 together inside an artificial-whatsit, so that we can grow up under normal living conditions? Eh?
Shame on you, parents.
03 Nov 2002 Lucy Cortina You're right fan. Unfortunately, I no longer know where Billy is. He escaped in the night from underneath my bed, god knows where he's got to now.
I have a backup plan though. I have one of those digital cameras that can instantly send images via email. Every now and then I pop the cam under my top and give Billy a treat.

BILLY - COME BACK DARLING!
01 Nov 2002 Lucy Cortina What, you mean that Billy and I have fans?
I always did fancy some hunky turkish guy in some wet speedos stood beside me - as I consume grapes and chocolate - fanning me with one of those huge Peacock-ish fans. And then to be rubbed up and down with olive oil...*oooh!*...very sensual...
Or in my case, vegetable oil will do, considering my new college-economy shopping budget.

Back to the point. We have fans? I'm considering setting up and Billy & Lucy fanclub (one years free advertising is of course promised to you, Mouchette).
Actually, I really can't be arsed. But I wouldn't mind a fanclub. Please set one up for me, someone. If there are any rich, handsome, classy (suicidal 13-year-old) millionaires on this website, please do let me know. I have Britney Spears potential. I'm waiting for you baby...............
28 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Uh-oh..Lucy again! I HAD to post again, since I just heard on the radio that Courtney Love's dog has died after eating one of her breast implants, which she left on the table! I mean - Ohmygod! Do these women never learn? You'd never catch me leaving my nungas lying around for any old dog to get his hands on.
Why don't she just put them in the fridge like any other self-respecting woman?

Ps - This site is addictive, Mouchette. You have me here every day. If things do not change I will be filing a lawsuit against your company, since it does not say on the package of this medication that it may be addictive. Side-effects I can deal with (aka Billy). But not addiction. I NEED to get a life!
Now..where's my Prozac gone to...?
27 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Don't you just hate it when it's a Sunday - you're all alone, none of your 'online-buddies' are around, and so you begin to realise that your 'online life' never existed and that you are really the lonely bore you tried to imagine you weren't?
I am reduced to finding a Britney Spears concert on channel 4 remotely interesting.

It's a good job that I have Billy to entertain me now... he does have his uses!
25 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Billy flew to me on a plane because of a general lust for a breasted sex goddess. There was no way I was letting him come near me with his huge bishop, and so with my tongue I sliced it clean in two.
He now resides underneath my bed. When feeling generous I allow him a crust or two of bread.

The lesson to be learnt here is this -
do not fall in love with a Cortina.
21 Oct 2002 Vanessa hmm... intersting interesting answers here... yes yes good answers indeed... yet only the dead know the TRUE answers to being dead, seeing as they are dead! myself, i am not new to this site... i have been checking back every other week or so, and Lucy Cortina's and Mouchette's and Billy's dialogues and conversations seem to be getting more amusing every time... you three seem to have great lives.... anyway, on we go, i live in Texas in the U.S., but are we really united? i think not... actually i think that christianity is a cult, and the government is after me, and yes life seems to always be in shambles... by the way i'm being totally serious... but here's a question for the people who ARE thinking of "offing yourself"... what is there to look forward to when gone? no, i'm not any kind of savior, i promise this, seeing as i have a bad sort of behiavor, but really is Death actually THAT exciting to look forward to? unless you believe in reincarnation (in that case i would love to come back as a guy) then what really is to come in dying? it will be pitch black, incredibly boring, nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to see... i would rather duke it out in the tough life than be bored for the rest of eternity. think about it, and please feel free to email me with your thoughts, i'll respond personally Crying_black_tears@hotmail.com

Sincerely,
Vanessa
20 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina Ahh I think I understand what you meant now. A.D.D as in Attention Defficiant Disorder (or something along that line)? My darling, if Lucy wanted attention then she would simply remove her bra.

Seriously though, I am not offended or anything :)
19 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina HYDRO - I am none the wiser as to the meaning of A.D.D. I could think of plenty of rudie-dudie words with those words, but Lucy is a lady and would never do that.
Right, I want to share with you all a nice little list. It is actually a cover-version, if you get my meaning, although unlike Britney Spears I can actually sing it without miming, whilst dancing at the same time. Here:

The poopie list>>>

Ghost Poopie:
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie:
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie:
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped, so you have to out some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain

Second Wave Poopie:
It happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Poopie:
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you pratically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie:
The kind of poopie that's so HUGH, you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassey Poopie:
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinkers Poopie:
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tree marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie:
It's the kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times.

Corn Poopie:
Self-explanatory.

Spinal Tap Poopie:
That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it left you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie:
THE POWER DUMP- the kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie:
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashed all over the toilet.

Upper Class Poopie:
The kind of poopie that doesn't smell.

The Surprise Poopie:
You're not even at the toilet, because you are sure you're about to fart, but OOPS.....a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie:
This poopie refuse to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut loose.

The Whiplash Poopie:
The kind where you oush and strain until your eyes are bloodshot, the poopie just starts to come out when OOPS..... it goes back in.

Enjoy darlings!
17 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina HYDRO - add? You mean address? Oh yes, Madame Cortina has an address.

The Uglyhome,
No. 26,
Spotty Road,
Uglyville,
Ugland.

It's almost Halloween. Me and my mates are planning to commit murder against the vegetables belonging to the vegi-sexual next door. Infact, we could kidnap them and demand a ransom. Threaten to mutilate his precious carrots and marrows. Ooooh I am evil.

*mwahahahahahahahah*ee
14 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina I remember once I was watching Southpark, there were 2 cowboys on. They began to undress, saying "Let's explore our sexuality!" This got me thinking. Thinking, they say, induces breast development. Mein gott! One day I'll need to use the pyramids as my bra - a spiky one like Madonna used to wear.
Back to the point - I was thinking of exploring our proud names.
Cortina: Wanted sex goddess. A Cortina is actually some sort of car, I think. There is also a UK advert on TV with "Hairy Cortina", a freaky man with a huge Afro hairpiece.
I've been confused with famous people too. I once got sunburnt in Germany and a woman began screaching "Oh ja! oh ja! mein gott! Was ist? Ja das ist!" - whatever that may mean. The sunburn was in patches like a christian cross. She thought I was the Virgin Mary (honestly, I ask you!) and a queue of German women formed along the beach - they wanted to feed me tablespoons of milk and pray to me!
So, what about your names? Billy. That rhymes with willy. Quite inappropriate, I think!
Mouchette. Sounds like Machete (those sword things).
I put the question to YOU, dear people. What is in a name? Does your name scream breastiness, sexual juices and womanly potential to others? Or does it scream of a dried up old fart?
04 Oct 2002 Lucy Cortina I hear this song on the radio every day..every day..it's called "Love to see you cry" by Enrique Iglesias. Aghh it makes no bloody sense!! What a daft song! Perhaps his next song will be "Love to see you break your nose" or something. Well, no need mate when plastic surgery exists! I always said he was into the 'pain game'.
That reminds me of Britney Spears' black leather outfit at the VMA awards this year. What was that girl thinking?! So that's why Justin dumped her, is it... Not content with opening a restaurant she now has to open an S & M parlour! No wonder Justin couldn't cope.. I think it's what's called 'tough love'. Well, love does hurt.
As you can see I hate Britney Spears. I think it's to do with the fact that she's famous for nothing.. for being a total twit. Oh well... I'll have my day... you'll see...
28 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Why is the world so bloody ungrateful? I probably saved everyone, thanks to the wonders of my bust. And now I discover that my parents met in a mental home!!!
I found out my dad was in there to do with his belief that he was a woman. And mum for...god knows. They met each other, fell in love and ran away and gave birth to a goddess (me!) My uncle told me this.
She leaves me with childminders all the time... any parent should know not to leave me with Podger Pam! She would probably cover me in gravy and nosh me if I wasn't so tough. Beware mum. Your daughter is on the verge of schizophrenia and it's all your fault.
24 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina SO..Sadham Insane is gonna bomb us, is he?
Of course, Lucy predicted this in her famous vision of '96. That is why she donated her boobsters to the British army most recently. Taking the initiative in order to save her proud country. "Our country needs YOU" and all that malarchy.
I suspect that they've sent one of my boobs off to the US to protect them too. Not that it will make a difference, when Mr Bush's ego explodes and showers the americans with its poisonous bile. I so hope that Mr Blair is on his walkies with his master when this happens.
Dark times are a comin.. you mark Lucy's words.
(Or breasts - don't you dare!!!)
11 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Billy, it's my breasts of course. Removing them has cursed the world that created me. The world has lost 2 of its 'Great Wonders', or spots of 'natural beauty'. The wonders of surgery.
Makes you wonder though.. did Michael Jackson cause the holocaust?
09 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Oooh! You cheeky cheeky boy billy! You know what I'm talking about..
I've been thinking, about my breasts. They're too small now. Should I have implants? BUT..I heard that Daniella Westbrook fell over on the pavement and hers exploded or something. They just popped! That scares me. And to have the 2 done at once would cost double, methinks. But, you won't get a man saying "Cor, that's a nice knocker girl!" will you? Men's brains work in a way that only 2 will do.
I don't much understand implants. Do you have to have the air pumped in every so often? Like, if I went to the petrol station do you think they'd allow me to re-pump them?
"Hope you don't mind if I fill the nungas up, mate?" "Sure Luce, that'll be £5.50". And then I could attract all the lorry drivers there as I'm filling 'em up.
Uh, enough of breasts.
I've got some Paroxetime today, I'm hoping that will be good for me.
Tschuss!

PS - Billy, I hope you have aspirations to be the nu Eminem!
07 Sep 2002 Lucy Cortina Oh my.. gosh.. billy! You are really spoiling uz vith zeez chocolates!

I just had a reduction!!!

26 Aug 2002 Lucy Cortina Kelly you lil' puddin'... it's only a bit of fun my dear.
Have you ever fancied streaking in the rain, in one of the most crowded streets of London? Boobs bobbling, bottom wobbling in just your nik-nicks? It's fun, IT IS! It may bring a greater enhancement to your life.. similar to this site. Why do we come back, eh? If not only to try outdo each other..
Like everyone else, after coming here I go sit in the jacuzzi of my big country house in the middle of the English countryside. I might even have a sip of tea from my china cup.. or a french fancy, crumpet or scone. I might even have fish and chips when I'm slumming it. But I always come back here.
Call it a drug if you will. It certainly beats the competition known as chatrooms where they have such silly names, like Fanny's Yang, Auntie Hot, Hotboi 4 u etc. Here we like the simple life, with simple names. And I have my Billy... if not only for a little foreplay before going to the next naughty site.

Stay Kelly. This site is will be fun for you, if you let it.
24 Aug 2002 Lucy Cortina That's ok Billy...so long as the wriggly diddly doesn't make a dirty squirty, it's abso-lutely-fine.
Tune in tomorrow for Lucy's great metaphorical big red bottom! Similar to a baboon, this indicates when the Lucy is 'in the mood'. And sometimes she...

oh, you'll just have to wait my dear!

Did you know that the black-widow spider can have multiple orgasms??
24 Aug 2002 Lucy Cortina I hate my nose. As it is so big, it means not only do I look like one of those clever people, who, incidentally have no mates, but also that I can smell things more than other people. Well, that's my theory. It's obvious - bigger the nose, greater the sense of smell, right? I wonder if lurker spots enhance or hinder this?
Anyway, I detect lots of smells. I can tell when my teacher has been eating garlic. However, he always stinks of garlic, like most teachers. I bet he's a vampire. The amount of homework he gives us is certainly evil.
Anyway, I always detect whiffs of stuff in my room. I suspect the cat has left a few smelly surprises, known as decomposed mice and birds for me. They say that in a cat's brain, they think giving dead mice to you is like a 'present'.
Anyway, to get rid of the unknown smell I've been spraying frantically deodorant everywhere. Now it stinks of a pine forest (eughh!) and I'm choking and wheezing to death.
That reminds me. What is the point of air freshener for toilets? For example, Pine Forest spray. You do your business in the toilet. Then you spray your little bottle, and voila! It smells of a pine forest. But then it just smells like you did your business in a pine forest!! What's the difference?!

Oh and Billy.. just ohh! You know what seeing you back does to me, don't ya, babe?

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