Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
26 Dec 2003 Kelly (damien) If u wanna be creative you can do this. Cut your stomach and pull out your intestines, then hang yourself with it! Gross huh? Either that or you can take a BIG knife, put the tip on the roof of your mouth and take a hammer and hammer the knife into your brain. Man 12 yr olds have some weird ideas but i'm one of 'em!
24 Dec 2003 Chris I would say an optimist is one who walks down the street, finds no clothes to fit and flatter, and pronounces the death of fashion while asking that eternal question, "Does my mother look big in this?". Then the optimist will go for another lap around the shops and eventually finds something nice and very expensive. But what the fuck- everywhere Christmas lights are blazing and the message is 'Get spending now!'

A pessimist, on the other hand, will go round the same shops, sees no traffic in street wear, and decides that it is one's body that has gone out of fashion. Then one goes home and imagines life as it should be, not as it is, how fashion in this world is something of a juvenile pursuit but one day someone Promethean will do something about it.

I am of the latter party pooper species. So it comes as no surprise that I don't see Christmas as the most wonderful time of the year. Rather, it's the most anxious, the most desperate, the most self-punishing. Each December we struggle to achieve perfection- the presents must be just right, the turkey dinner must be wonderful and your party dresses or suits must be enough to make everyone wail and flutter with envy.

Inevitably, we fail on all counts, and these silent nights become a time for problems. You need to arrive somewhere fast but no one would give you a lift. The Christmas tree has started shedding the needles all over the carpet. The shops have just closed and you've realised that the shawl you've bought for your mum is exactly like the one you gave her last year. There are odd noises coming out of the oven and in the news, five carol singers whom you have just treated to a warm coco, have been rushed to hospital. Your angina is playing up, and heavy winds, rain and a migraine are expected in the next five minutes. Friends, who have been making merry in the various water holes across the country, just puked up over the yellow and gold scatter cushions and your cousin is coming to stay for three days and threatening to bring her kids along too, thank you very much. Then a policeman turns up to inform you that the neighbours have reported a mushroom cloud over your house. The oven. Happy Christmas? You blind or what?

And this is only the night before Christmas. After Christmas, it would be nice to go on holiday, from this laborous quest for perfection, it would be nice to have rest from all that unrewarding striving. But instead, we follow it up with New Year's Eve, perhaps the most anxious and unpleasant evening of most people's calendar.

Christmas is not perfect, yet we imagine it to be, simply because it is a ritual, to be followed to the letter, weighed down with the memory of perfect Christmases past that are totally figments of a whisky or sherry-drunk imagination. This is why it feels so disastrously wrong if it does not work out and why we long so much for it to be just right. And why year after year, we assume that everyone is having fun during their Christmas holidays. And if not, some charity will do the trick.

Well, not quite everyone is as lucky as the happy ones always getting drunk. Many people have to earn their living on a Christmas Day and New Year. TV people for instance. And if they are not actually on the premises they are at the mercy of a cell phone. And if they are not at the mercy of a cell phone, they are on the premises churning out old time favourites and Christmas shows spiced up with flamenco dancing and charity shows. While most terrestrial TV stations will operate with a relatively skeletal staff over the festive period, the idea that the world's viewing lies in the hands of the few and the somnolent couldn't be further from the truth. Take the newsrooms for instance- they will be staffed just in case Martians were to arrive while the rest of us are passed out in a fag of seasonal bonhomie.

Bus drivers work, save a couple of hours to enjoy a Christmas lunch which will probably start a couple of hours late and will only give them time to slurp down the lasagna or turkey with a litre of wine and tinsel. Hospitals are fully staffed- obviously someone has to be on duty in case Santa gets stuck up the chimney and breaks his leg. The wards will still hold their sick for the night. Security guards and policemen, soldiers and waiters, barmen and taxi drivers, all will be on duty on shifts in order that we can carry on with our celebrations.

Not everyone will be at home, reeking of figgy pudding and getting carried away with the sweet scent of mincemeat. And if you had assumed that everyone will be happy and huddled with the family at this time of year, then wake up and smell your grandpa's cheap vermouth. A lot of people will be unhappy this season, thanks to the massive build-up towards the festive season. December is supposed to be a time to enjoy oneself, but for those on their own or who can't afford it, celebrations will just make them feel left out, sad and angry. We know this, but think that some millions of pounds in charity will make the poor and the homeless joyous, and leave us to enjoy our Christmas and New Year with a calmed conscience.

Yet charity is not enough, in a world where we spend eleven months in charitable hibernation, then splash out and start giving charity like mad (in hope that by some chance we might get something back for it). And there are people who are beyond charity, and who do not need money to spend a happy Christmas. Divorced or seperated couples for instance, rostering the time each will spend with their children. The elderly, who have been abandoned by their family, fearing loneliness and insecurity and dreaming of Christmases past- What good will charity be for them? Not to mention prisoners. Will they and their family be enjoying themselves like the rest of us? Well, probably prison is the safest place to be during Christmas, but certainly not the most joyful. For children in hospitals, and those separated from their parents and friends and staying in orphanages, Christmas will be a difficult time as well. Not all children will be writing their Christmas wish list and running in circles round the Christmas tree making themselves ill. Some of them are ill aready lying in a hospital bed. And what about the suicidals, who no matter what day of the year it is they just feel more suicidal and see no bright hope for the future- rather a worse year than the one that is just going to end!

And after Christmas... there is another year. And while Christmas is supposed to be about birth, the New Year seems to promise a fresh start. What shall we do tomorrow? We can start again, if not from year zero, then at least a nice round number, 2004. We shall (or at least try to) erase our pasts, purge ourselves of recent excesses, cast off the shameful parts of ourselves and walk backlit by the rising sun, through the streets filled with the wreckage of the previous year- broken glass and red eyed party goers coming down from that 2003 high. We shall make resolutions to be better, thinner, learn German or something, stand up straight, stop smoking, make only perfect souffles and a never ending litany which we will not succeed in. We shall be reborn into our own lives. It will be a miracle! We shall be a better men and women and be more charitable kind. We shall wave the old year good riddance.

This is indeed a salutary tie of year but not because it gives pause to reorientate ourselves, and change our goals. Rather because it brings sharp relief into what happens during the rest of the year, in which prisoners, orphans, children in hospital and suicidals are not in the news. It is only during these times that these people are given the warm shoulder. So while you and your family all over the world are getting together and reminding yourselves of all the reasons why you're not together for the rest of the year, just think about the ones who have no choice. Remind yourself of those who really count their blessings and who don't want a present this Christmas but to be present and to be given a chance of a good life. Mouchie, you're the only one giving the warm shoulder to everybody all year round. Congratulations and Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you and all you people reading this!

P.S. Leanne, I read your post, 'Leanne about Chris' many times and I still cannot fully grasp if I should take it positively, negatively or neutrally. Sometimes it sounds as if you're accusing me of being here but not there for you, sometimes it sounds as if you're loving but you don't want to. Yeah, I know that cold, numb or only angry can feel good but only to a certain point. One day you look at someone and you feel something strange. You put your hand on your chest and feel a rhythm and you realise that you still have a warm heart that still beats and loves and that it was only the people who you loved that left and not the love itself. It was just covered with this cold, hard layer that was peeled off when you saw that someone. As the song says 'love hurts' and one day your heart will be covered in that cold layer again. But you will keep hoping that some day you will find that someone who will be worth loving and hurting for and you won't mind the pain. Good luck to you for finding that someone and sorry if I hurt you in some way. The closest I can get is by e-mailing you but as you never asked I never did for fear of being a pest of myself and considered junk mail. Whatever you say and think, I will still love you and I think I can understand you and I wish you all the best for this festive season, beyond it and forever! (What I wrote today about sad Christmases wasn't to spoil the fun but to make you think about reality!)

See ya all having fun (if you can manage it) and getting drunk but Be ReaL!!!
24 Dec 2003 Walid Well im 18 years old and i was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to kill themselves easy or hard doesn't matter, but anyway i lived 18 years of hell and i'm just getting sick of it, life sucks then you die....... i got nothing to live for..... right now i'm in a relationship with lisa and she claims that she loves me when she doesn't even know what that means, she's not considerate, i'm sick of buying her things, i've spent $1000 on her in 3 weeks and she hasn't bought me shit yet, we never do anything, no sex no nothing, and i'm sick of it. I got 2 parents that hate me so much they want me to leave the house, and the only reason they're letting me live here is because i pay 7 bills.
23 Dec 2003 Daniel just smoke yourself fuckin retarded... meaning, steal everybody's weed and fuckin fire it up!!!
23 Dec 2003 John choke on human legs
22 Dec 2003 Marleni Hi everyone. I've been reading some of the comments included here about suicide. There have been days in which I have felt like doing someting stupid. Believe me somedays can be terrible. For instance, you go to sleep and you can't sleep, you toss and turn and can't do nothing but think of all the sad and terrible things that have happened to you. And all you want and feel like doing is cry. You go outside because the day is sunny and beautiful but you are all alone and don't feel any happiness. I've felt like this just like YOU. But to all of you that are thinking about suicide, I have one thing to say, DON'T DO IT. I know some of you might have gone through difficult experiences such as rape, but there is nothing more beautiful than the GIFT OF LIFE. Many people are dying and they would give anything in this world to be able to live for one more day.
ALL I WANT TO SAY IS, DON'T TAKE YOUR LIFE AWAY. DON'T LET THE HURT AND THE PAIN IN YOUR LIFE MAKE YOU MISERABLE. FORGET ABOUT ALL THE PAIN AND START A NEW LIFE. LIVE EACH DAY LIKE IT'S THE LAST. When you feel like doing low just repeat this to yourself: ease the pounding of my heart by the quieting of my mind. Steady my hurried pace with a vision of the eternal reach of time. Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the calmness of the everlasting hills. Break the tensions of my nerves and muscles with the soothing music of the singing streams that live in memory. Take a minute vacation -- of slowing down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to read a few lines from a good book. Slow down, slow down.
22 Dec 2003 Kelly k im 12 (13 in 2 months)(well tecnicly im 2 i was born on elipyear) like i said slit ur wrist's up and down on the vain not side 2 side cause it dosnt work as well and dont b a pussy about it just do it. after a while u dont feel the pain u just see the blood. I tryed it before but im still here so im not gonna tell u it works 100% but thats only becuase my sis came in and found me doin it. So do it when nobody is home...or just do it realy quick but if ur like me i like my slow wierd dont ask.
22 Dec 2003 Kelly ok i tryed it b 4 and i have 2 go with what sum1 else said. If your gonna cut ur wrists dont cut side 2 side cut up and down on that 1 vain. I tryed both ways.... but im still here.
22 Dec 2003 Joe Lee Hi, My name is Joe

Please excuse mine English, I am from China. As you know, China is not like what used to be. The ancient rules and western ideologies is quite different. Many youth develop mental illness trying to cope with this fast pace changing society. Depression is one of the major cause for suicide here.

Pressure from school mostly, because we have so many people. It's very tough to get into a good school. We are very poor compare to you. You are very rich most likely.

We are hard workers, it's our nature to serve others. Our economy is rising because of our hard works. We do every thing you desire cheap.

Our company offer many painless ways to end your life. With good doctors and medicine. Chinese believe in life after death, so we do everything properly, customer satisfaction guarantee.

You will not feel pain, you will not feel fear, you will laugh your way into the yellow river.

We have many settings. You can choose to end your life in any style painlessly. One of the famous way to go here is to die like the King in Bejing. You can even choose to get buried with your own personal servant. Life don't cost as mush here as in your country. As you know, we are very poor.

You can also choose to die in Tibetan style of sky burial. Where you will be fully drugged and comfortable. We also carry travel insurance for any accidents.

We will like to welcome you to come and take the last visit of our beautiful country. If you are under 10 years old and have siblings, we do two of you for the price of one. Please prepare at least $15,999 USD. We had calls from many angry parents, so better save the money your own. Cash only.

We have most every killing methods knowing to man prepared here with following examples:

Wide selection of animals:
shark attack,
four horse,
Dog food,
Dungeons with Dragon,

Classical pissing on you in the hole,
Emperor's last meal, (Cost vary depend on the dish)
Special agent,
Goku's Torment, (the historical story of the monky king)
Jeffery Dun Sin,

We can even make your death a natural cause:
Heart attack (So real, you won't believe you are only 13)
Love boat,
Real lighting strike,
*Suprise me* (customer's favored choice)

I can't list them all,

Contact me by email, phones and fax leaves too much evidence.

Our New Year Special for group of eight is 200,000 USD. Where two lucky winner will be publicly excuted in TanAnMan square Bejing with official documents for espionage. You will be the youngest foreign spy on the news all over the world! This offer ends 2003!!
22 Dec 2003 J Bush I can't believe I found this disturbing web site. This shows me how messed up teenagers are now days. I will start a special suicide help center in Washington to help young Americans. No foreigners please, we have enough problem in our country right now. Contact by email with your phone and address, we should pick you up shortly.
22 Dec 2003 MauvaisSouhait I think I may have cancer. I'm going to the hospital to get some tests run. Maybe that's why my suicide attempts never worked. Because this is how i'm supposed to die. Not killing myself but from Cancer!.. I wonder... I'm actually scared. I'm hoping it's not cancer it's just something they can cure. I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. (yes i smoke) and so do my friends and family. Maybe being around all of it weakened my immune system. It could be as simple as getting away from smoke.. who knows?....
21 Dec 2003 Felicia December 21st, 2003

My Mom decided to meet Elvis this morning at exactly 8:10 a.m. Pacific Time.

This is the saddest Christmas ever.
21 Dec 2003 Josj The best way to kill yourself is to do it verry slowly Mouchette. Every day a little bit. It takes about sixty years when you want to do it correctly.
You'l find all kinds of differend pain and...
you won't need a kit, kid!
21 Dec 2003 william Le top me semble etre de se jeter d'une falaise de 50 mètres, ça oblige à avoir un minimum de courage pour sauter,...
21 Dec 2003 I hate you I did it! It's awsome!! The feeling of falling into a deep coma forever. The hopeless feeling that my neural functions are slowly ceasing to operate. I was in a hospital room, the doctor didn't say anything, but I am in a state of full awareness when they open my skull. It's unbelievable and very strange.

When they decide to operate on me to remove the blood chunk in my brain, they can't afford to loose me by using to much anesthetics by knocking out my heart beat completely... something to do with pons and medulla region... I heard everything with my eyes shut. I remember feeling like I was in my own of prison waiting to be freed. And strangely, there was no pain, or maybe there were... the pain didn't really matter at that point. I was ready to learn about every thing about neuroscience.
The doctors seemed professional, because I could not sense any emtions involved. They were like a very careful life saving butcher with artistical hands.

Fear is only another emotion that is constantly increasing... How much I wanted just stand up and scare the shit out of them. But I can't, powerless to move. Helpless, hopeless...

All of sudden I feel sorry, as I see out of corner of my eye and see a nurse, the only one there seem to have some human emotions dropped a tear... I remember my family, those waiting outside the room must feel ten times worse than that nurse I don't know.

I could choose right and then to fight or to let it go... but I felt so powerless to fight, afterall the reason I got myself into this situation is because I can't bare to take it any more. And I say to myself "this is not too bad, not as painful as I thought" Even though I wanted it short and painless, this took much longer than I thought. If I concentrate hard enough I could feel the pain... not like any pain I ever felt before, but a constant sensation that seemed very friendly. Yes, I thought the pain was like a guardian angel that travelled since the beginning of time. And I was fearing losing it, trying to grab on my sensation of pain forever.

I didn't see a tunnel of light, and everything was getting darker and feelingless. So I thought I was going to hell... but why feel so peaceful?

This is the second time... I might develop a sick fetish of killing myself imcompletely and letting people save me. They might lock me up one of these days, and my fear is, I won't even have control of my own life in this world. If I can't even decide how I wanted to live my life, then... what's the purpose of my existence.

Meaningless, life is to be, at least for me.

Part of me still wishes to be normal, and even very sociable on good days, feeling life is so beautiful. Part of me sees the reality, the ugliness of mankind, the stinks of this city of this planet, wishing the world be destroyed hundred times and cast into the sun. Wishing People stop pretending that their life have a purpose, hoping people remember from the time when we are born, we are waiting to die. We are just fucking animals covered flowery skin, wolves under sheep's clothing.
How many justifications do you see per day? How many lies do you hear per week? Layer upon layer, I wanted to fucking uncover all your layers. I want to expose all of you liars out there. I hate this fucking planet. I hate all of you. You fucking stink of worldly taste. Why do I have do it myself? If there is a God, help me to die, erase my life from this world, erase all of you who think the same way. Let the dogs live in a dog's world.
21 Dec 2003 Emily Powell Hey I'm new, I desperately want to kill myself, but am a complete pussy and want it to be as painless as possible. I have been looking for ages on pills that an overdose will definitely kill you, but have been unsucessful. I don't want to make it if I try, because I'll go through hell afterwards, and probably would be able to try again very easily. So if anyone has any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
21 Dec 2003 LeanneaboutChris I'm back but not better. I've been busy thinking about trying not to think. Feeling too much or too little, I'd rather feel nothing. I used to feel numb, nothing, frozen and blank. Now, I'd actually like that back... too much emotion is a poison. I've gained bad times, and lost the good&distant ones. I have been longing and yearning for something, someone. A figment of my imagination perhaps? Somebody who can see the 'me' inside, who I wish was here but can't be. I lost touch, but keeping in touch just isn't enough.
I didn't forget about the one that mattered, and still does matter, just tried to erase him from my mind. Out of sight, out of mind? Been there, done that... doesn't work.
Festive season is amongst us yet again... don't be a stranger. Keep loving and most importantly keep living.
Love L.XXxxXX
20 Dec 2003 Felicia Having A Bad Scare Day I just wrote to the guy of my dreams today. Though he is in a strainful marriage, and having it easy living in a marriage of convenience... it disturbs me. We have so much in common, but I am afraid to see him for fear of appearing in the show "Cheaters".
I could just imagine getting caught by his wife which is more scarier. But then, I know that it would be the easiest way to get myself killed.

The closest remedy to suicide, people is indeed jealousy!
20 Dec 2003 Chrissy give them good tasting pills and tell them its candy
20 Dec 2003 billy the freak wow, i am very impressed with all of you, your writing of course. i finally got time to read some of the posts. mouchette, you're looking beautiful as always. chris, you are absolutely right. this is a safe place where you can express yourself, in many ways. some people come in here and just babble about nothing but they feel better when they're done, some people come in here and scream about how they want to hang their neck up and never come back. makes wonder if they might be hanging from a ceiling beam somewhere. you got people who want to give their best advice and hope they can save a life. then you got the ones who want to use it as a creative outlet like myself. i personally feel that's what makes this interesting. i was here from the beginning and right now this piece of art is taking a wonderful shape. be safe and have a happy holiday season.

lucy, have a wonderful christmas darling!!!

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