Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
29 Sep 2004 Phil Oooh dear, there seems to be something wrong with mouchette's sight. I think we'd better get a team of monkeys in there to find out the problem
27 Sep 2004 no hands Phil, if you're gay, why the fuck do you keep going on about tits????
24 Sep 2004 Phil Ooh Mouchette sent you a private page too, think yourself lucky. Mouchette has a harem of beautiful ladies (often with big breasts) but is very picky of who he chooses. If you got the "huge arse pressed up against the screen" page then think yourself a VIP. That was J-Lo's arse and she needed to have a shit at the time (I believe).
22 Sep 2004 Phil Pah...we need to restore pride to the suicide room, this is getting ridiculous now. Let's all sit down in big comfy chairs, with Mouchette as the leader, handing out cups of hot chocolate, and gossiping about our preffered suicide methods. Let's all get fat and wobbly together! *group hug*

Therapy over.
22 Sep 2004 the real slim shady wow, i'm confused to all the real people are on this sight.
phil, was that post about cooking the cat really by you?
and as for Flamer.... well, who knows about the real him. hahah...
21 Sep 2004 The real Phil But it's odd that you KNOW my insecurities, in general anyone I come into contact with knows nothing about me and they don't understand me. Somehow, you know something about the situation... I can't quite figure out how though.
21 Sep 2004 The Real Flamer So, I guess there's a Flamer in all of us. Still, you just might be the next best thing, but you're not quite me.

The Flamer haters have overestimated me. Phil, you have overestimated me. I should not be compared to any medical professional because I definitely not. I am a dude who does whatever the fuck he wants, and I don't need any training for that. The lessons that I sometimes try to teach aren't usually taught in hospitals and shit. They have to be all professional and all this bull shit, and that's fine, people need that I guess. But I think people could also use a dose of reality too. There's fucked up people out there (like me apparently) and they will try to get to you.... and fucked up things happen and they will try to get to you.

So when some fucking cunt in a can like me tries to push your buttons and play with your insecurities, you can't let it get to you because then you lose. That's the way it is. Most people naturally want to have power over you, even your friends. What I wanted Phil to see was the obsurdity of my attacks, and that's why I said you should laugh at me (as opposed to getting all pissed and trying to analyze me and get me back and all this bull shit). You shouldn't give a screw what anyone thinks. And to the Flamer impersonaters, congratulations, you have been Flamed!

By the way, why would I want to kill myself and act the way I do if I were gay? So you're saying gays are suicidal freaks? Hmmmm, I don't think I'm the one who hates gays.

Anyway, now that I spilled everything, Flamer is retiring, and shall not return. Fuck you all, you all suck. You're all losers. I hate you. You're FUCKING FUCKED IN THE FUCKING HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry to anyone who comes to Mouchette's site thinking this is actually a place to get help. You have come to the wrong place. THIS SITE ISN'T REAL YOU MORONS!!!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!! Call your hospital and ask for the suicide hotline if you want someone to talk to. FUCK MOUCHETTE!!!!!!
20 Sep 2004 Phil Burning cats is all well and good (in fact me and my boyfriend plan to truss up my mum's cat like a turkey, lay her on her back and cook her in the oven. And then serve her as dinner for my mum, who would no doubt say "Mmmm it's lovely and tender, can I have some more?")
Anyway it's just as I've always known - the abused becomes the abuser, though instead of acting out your anger on humans in real life, you do it online. But we aren't cats and we can fight back. I would suggest you see a shrink, but I know you won't do that anyway. Sounds like you have internalised homophobia, or something (I know about it cos abuse has played a part in my life too for various reasons), it means you can be gay yet hate gays too, for a certain reason (you know why). You need to be seeing a shrink, but you don't want to... do you?

Hey everyone, I am talking to an automated robot, how sad is that? Take a look at, it's a great way to pass the time, when you are depressed and all that.
18 Sep 2004 Phil Oh go to bed Flamer, I dont listen to a poo nurse. The poo nurse is always the underexperienced, badly paid, smelling-of-shit nurse in the Doctors Surgery that examines peoples bottoms for lumps and poo problems. They are not qualified enough to speak about real medical and mental problems, and we have a classic case of one here. Although they always think of themselves as a propper doctor. Go away now, I believe there is an old man with the most crinkly bottom you will ever see that needs his hole widening.
18 Sep 2004 Flamer Phil, you are incorrect about social anxiety disorder, as very much is known about it. In fact, I happen to be an expert on social phobia, and I can explain it to you for your benefit, and to everyone else. Phil, you have social phobia because you are a fucking loser who has no confidence in himself. People scare you because you know that everyone is better than you. You don't know what to say around people because you know that anything you have to say is stupid. And it bothers you that other people will think you are stupid because you need their approval. Basically, having social anxiety means that you have absolutely no confidence in anything you do, you are a loser, a freak, an outcast, you think that everything you do is wrong and stupid and you worry that no one loves you, and no one can love you because you suck ass. Nothing you do is right, everything about you is wrong, you are one fucked up mother fucker.

If you were in front of people at a party or something, your balls would shrink to the size of a grape seed, and you would cower in a corner and not know what the fuck to do. And then I'd walk up to you and punch you in the face, and you wouldn't know what the fuck to do because you'd be scared shitless, and you wouldn't even be able to defend yourself you fucking pussy!! You're scared of people, and you want them to like you, but you secretly hate them..... A LOT!!!! You bastard, fuck you, you hateful son of a bitch!!! Who would want to be around such a hateful mother fucker like you!?!?!? Fucking retard. You're lucky that you're gay because no woman would ever want such a pussy, but you might have some luck with a gay loser who's just as fucked up as you. What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you hate people you bastard? Because they understand social dynamics and you don't? Because they can be happy and you can't? FUCK YOU!!!!!!

So the next time you go to your lame ass therapist, tell them Flamer sent you and they'll know what to do for you. They'll tell you to laugh at me, and laugh at yourself too, you fucking moron.
18 Sep 2004 crackerjack Dear Phil,
I'm sorry to hear about your condition. Heheh, I find it amusing how you said about it not being a sexy condition, just one that no one knows much about. Well, as chances would have it, I know a lot about a lot of conditions... but SAD is one... well, that no one knows much about :-)
However, you CAN get it treated, and in my opinion you, like everyone else here, should go about find treatment. There are some things people can't deal with by themselves. It's as simple as that. We aren't properly adapted to just how complex our society is and so we have problems just living in it normaly. We are stressed out, mal-adjusted, aggressive, uncaring, disorientated being, trying and ultimately failing to find meaning in our own lives. Who has real meaning in their life? Almost no one. And to make matters worse there are literally billions of rules, crossing and recrossing all around you, forcing you to conform into a particular way. Think about it... if you need to go to the toilet, why don't you just go in your pants right now? If you just need a pee, it literally won't do any harm... so why don't you? Because of the rules of society. Every single step you take and move you make, every thought you think is dictated by these rules. Now, I'm not saying that's bad or good, it just "is". Also the fact that humans aren't adapted to deal with it "is".
So basically what I'm saying is no one should feel ashamed of thier problems, and no one should try to deal with them by themselves, because the average person is strechted to their limit just surviving.
16 Sep 2004 Phil It is Social Anxiety Disorder or others call it Social Phobia. I have Depression on top of it plus other smaller problems. So, not one of those sexy illnesses like Scizophrenia or whatever, just one that no one knows much about.
16 Sep 2004 crackerjack Dear Phil,
I was wondering what your mental illness actually is?
14 Sep 2004 Phil Hmm I wish I was bisexual, but no I'm full-blown gay. Strangely, it doesn't really bother me, as I am already an outcast for my 'other' problems... some guys get suicidal for being gay, but I get suicidal from having mental illness. I wish I was the opposite though. Plus I suppose I may have an obsession with boobies, if Lucy Cortina is anything to go by.
11 Sep 2004 Phil Ooh Felicia, you know imitating Mouchette used to carry a heavy punishment...

Bollocks if they have found Lucy's body (or boobies), don't let that stupid president guy fill you full of gobshit about me. If they had found her breasts they would have inflated like one of those inflatable beds and consumed the world. Once they expand there's no stopping them... I should know. They need to be contained at all costs!
Revive Lucy? Bollocks. I searched for her for months and she was nowehere to be found.
No no, it's a hoax. Don't believe any of it.
01 Sep 2004 President Bobo of the SSSS agency I can confirm that a booby (sorry, body) was recently discovered, and on my identification of the booby (sorry, body), I found it to be that of one of our SSSS agents, Lucy Cortina. The last news I heard of her was that she and agent Danny had gone missing, and our investigation into their disappearance led us to a cryogenics lab hidden inside Mount Booby (which is incidentally shaped like a booby). We believe that the evil Dr Philville was responsible for this, as he had been hounding Danny and Lucy with death warrants. He is a bit crazy in the head and had recently escaped from a secure mental hospital, and for whatever reasons he had, wanted Lucy dead. He is still at large.
We believe that agent Danny, out of his infinate love for Lucy('s breasts), froze Lucy in the cryogenics lab so that one day, he could return to Mount Booby and bring her back to life. Agent Danny, however, is still mising - presumed dead.
Curiously, we also discovered that Lucy Cortina's right nipple was missing from her breast, and that her breasts had considerably deflated since her 'Expansion' years. We plan to revive Lucy, but as of yet we are unable to do so. This is because of the missing nipple from Lucy's breast. We need to find the nipple ASAP, as Lucy's breasts are continuing to deflate at an alarming rate. It seems that the nipples act as corks - imagine a balloon without anything to stop the air escaping - this is what is happening to Lucy's breasts. Without her breasts, there would be no point reviving Lucy as her primary function in the SSSS agency is to seduce.
If we cannot find her nipple, we shall sell the remains of her breasts on e-bay.

Thank you Mouchette, for allowing me to post this update (and I will speak to you in private later about the millions you will pay for Lucy's breasts, as I know you were somewhat obsessed with her, plus you can afford them unlike some of the paupers around here).
01 Sep 2004 Gilat Dear Phil,
No, the world hasn't gone gay, it's gone "metrosexual".
Does anyone else think it's weird how when guys act more "gay"er women are more attracted to them? Like... gay guys get more women... hmmm, there's something wrong there, I can't quite work out what it is...
29 Aug 2004 Phil The gay jokes? The world has gone gay, that's why! Pink blood now oozes down the screen whenever I make a post. Mouchette is really my boyfriend, that's why he always pushes my posts into his favourite list.
29 Aug 2004   wowowowow!
what a great sight.... do you reckon mouchette is like a necrophile or something?
21 Aug 2004 Phil You know crack, they sell something called "Dr Brain's Pork Faggots" in the supermarkets here in Tealand. I think they are some sort of meatball type foodstuff. Yum yum.

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