Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
09 Jan 2005 bloodstainedrazor Im 13. im just reading how everyone is too scared at actually commiting suicide.. let me tell u my story. i dont know how it started but it all started to happen when I was in 6th grade. I started losing my friends for no apparent reasons. That summer I was kind of happy. didndt really talk to anyone or do anything. Then 7th grade started . it was hell. I got suspended for bringing a razor blade to school. I wouldnt tell them why i did it but it was because I cut myself. I got suspended for a month and when I came back LIFE WAS HELL. I couldnt turn around without someone ganging up on me or trying to fight me. I am terrified at the fucking thought of even going to school. My mom let me stay home yesterday because thats how much I hate school. I cutmyself about 8 times a day and I take alot of vicidin type pills. I used to smoke weed but now everyone wants to "kick my ass" for no fucking apparent reason and i hate life. I wanna commit suicide so much. The only friends I have are 3 and only 1 of those friends is actually a GOOD friend. So by the time im 14 i'll probably be dead. I never even go outside anymore or do group things. that is my story
08 Jan 2005 klee This message is for the person that left a posting on Dec. 8th that was raped several times by their uncle. I don't have IM, but you can e-mail me any time you need and we can chat then. Hope you all have a nice day.
08 Jan 2005 cassie Life is not worth living you dont have to be under 13 to kill yourself. If you really want to die make sure you do it right the first time. Dont fail because then you will be stuck in an instution full of idiots who have no clue what the fuck they are talking about.
08 Jan 2005 alice hiya... im alice and im 13 and i rele want to die... my dad is abusive, my mum is slightly crazy, my ex boyfriend raped me.. my best friend in the world has left me to go to another skool ages away and i feel so lonely and useless.. ive slit my wrists and taken sleeping pills but i took a lot one time and ive ran out.. i dont know where to get more... im scared and fucked up
08 Jan 2005 simo coupe les veines de ton poignet avec une lame de rasoir
08 Jan 2005 Undisclosed I'm just riting this because i have a drug addiction, my dad hates me, my mom never wants to see me, every1 thinks im drugs for fun, and so did i, until recently, i realised i wasnt doig it for fun, im doing it to run away from everythinh. i have been caught selling inschool, and i think im gonna fail my school year, every day i dont see any of my parents my dad gos to work while im at school and come back wen i am in bed, so im alone all the tmie, everyday i cry, i feel like calling my mom or dad and telling them i love them and that i need help, but i cant, i am really fucked up and i would commit suicide but i am to afraid, if i could snap my fingers and die i would do it. everyday i regrey being born, cuz i no im the one who fuked up my family, my parents got divorced cuz they couldnt stop fiting abuot me, i owe my brother over 1000$ and i treat him like shit, but i cant control myself! i tell myself i love my brother and i do, its because he wont tell me to stop or amyhting, and hes older than i am and he just lets me push him around. i steal from my parents, i never listen.................k thats all i have to say i just needed to talk to some1 whoever is reading thank you
08 Jan 2005 off my rocker rocker ive read this thang for ages now so i figure i should have some input, i have wanted to kill myself a little over a year now. The main reason why is that my entire life goes wrong, consistently. first of all i lost the girl who i actually loved because she was four years older than me, i'm really good looking and all that and when i walk into a room theres always just this dead silence from all the girls for a moment but i cant get ne girls because i'm only interested in older ones! (younnger girls irritate me) i'm going into year ten soon but my family always still love to order me around and sometimes my parents actually argue over who tells me to do what! i have no friends and my father sometimes hits me, my mother doesnt give a fuck and i am teased consistently at school. i am trying to become a rockstar when i leave school but i cant afford ne equipment and my parents always tell me how bad i am. i am tired of being trated like i am less than other people because i am younger than them. our schools mission statement is "passion for learning preparing ofr life" i am sick of preparing! i want to live now! and if i cant live properly i will die properly.
08 Jan 2005 iHaVe A D H D 94 hi i am highly depressed,my parents hate me n so does every1 in skool..i get threated to get best up all the time..i tryed to drown myself in my bath tub..but my aunt walked in n stoped parente tryed cousling..but that only made it worse..i wa raped at the age of my uncle this is this first im saying this..i need sum1 to talk to or i can help im a good listner and good at giving adive... I.M. me
08 Jan 2005 eugene's brother ok you guys read eugene's post on 1/4/05. that was 2 days before his birthday he is dead now, i read his e-mail. i figgured you guys might wanna know that he was happy the last 3 days he spent on this world his anocounced death was the exect minet of his birth he planned this for a long time, he was happy to take controle of deasteny, i do honostly opoligize to the families he hurt and rip the kids whom he has finished his buisness with. as u see life suks. i wish i knew what he was going threw when he jumped and boy im planning on duing the same.
08 Jan 2005 Molls Anyone out there that needs someont to talk to E-mail me I don't care who you are or what you need just do it! My E-mail is and I have AIM- sftblrcksmysocks and I have MSN messenger! Just message me!
08 Jan 2005 Mr. Gein A) You can piss me off.
B) You can suck my cock and stop right before I blow my load.
C) Be anywhere near Rosie O'Donald during a fasting.
D) Dress up in all white clothing with a pointy white hood and walk through compton.
E) Marry Scott Peterson.
F) And if you in to sports, you can pull off either a Dale Earndheart, a Sonny Bono, or a John Denver.

Suck the shit out of my ass, the government watches you through your t.v. Rape Dead Fetus'
08 Jan 2005 jazmine I give up on living no one wants to help. fine i give up. ill just see how many pills i can take before some one stops me or i pass out what ever comes first. Why should i care whos life its going to ruin? because why would i be killing my self if some one didnt help. what ever im going to just die i cant live here any more i count the seconds till i can leave here...till im 18...i cant wait ill just die now..and i hope my dad feels guilty because you know what it is his fault. goodbye everyone goodbye world!!
08 Jan 2005 k There are so many times when i feel like i want to die. I feel like everythihng would be so much better if i werent around. I know taht i cause my rents all the pain in the world, and i feel that the only thing left for me to do is just kill myslef... i am searcing for the easiest and least painful way to do this... any ideas?? I drink, smoke, have sex, lie, cheat, steal.. i do it all.. and im older than 13 fuckers.
08 Jan 2005 jake Poem on Suicide

They like to remind you of the selfishness in the act
They love to warn you of the pain it would inflict
Their lying mouth’s make clear that you chose it.

What about the suffering deer? Dying painfully in the forrest?
What about the wounded bird, with but one wing left?
What about even the ugly spider caught standing on hot coals?

Do we give them mercy when we let them rot, dying slowly minute by minute?
Do we say they are selfish for wishing the hunter would pass by, the enemy would finish them off?

What is humane and what is not?

Let’s offer the deer a slap happy smile and a pat on the back
Let’s give the bird a new cage.
Oh say, let’s give the spider a quote and a reason to hold out on its place on the blazing coal.

Shoot the deer
Stab the bird
Burn the little spider
For to make them live would be their death and hell.

I say to all those who have pretended to care about my life and thought they could even begin to grasp the hell I wake up to even god damn day, FUCK URSELVES!

I have no fear of death. And all the threats and scare tactics of an eternal hell that religious people spew from their ignorant mouths (they haven’t died so how the hell would they know?) I say phooey on you. God has to be more merciful than that. He’s already given us hell on the useless planet. So damn, I would guess if he was love the hell would be eternal oblivion. Wonderful sleep.
08 Jan 2005 Mats Lagnevall Having read some of your answers I feel obliged to share my story to.
I'm a quite good-looking guy, 19 going on 20 years old, born in Sweden, have had a steady relationship for a bit over a year. Well, steady and steady, that's what it all comes down to. It's not been steady. But anyhow, I'll continue with the background. Ever since I was 7 years old, I've been somewhat a trouble child. I've been putting paper containers on fire, crushing windows at school, getting in fights every other day, even using brickstones to hurt the other guy as much as possible, and all this just to get attention. For it all started with my mom and dad fighting each and every day. I hated it, I was lying in my bed, every night, crying with despair when I heard their screams from the livingroom. And ontop of that my father always ended up taking his anger out on me for something I had done. My little brother was 5 years old, he used to sneak into my room and say that he was afraid and ask if he could stay with me. Ofcourse he could, every time. He didn't really understand what was going to happen, how their relationship was about to end. All of this continued for over 3 years, I got sent to counceling for everything I did, I got a private "observer" following me around in the whole third and forth year in school, being 9-10 years old this was quite embarrasing and made me calm down substancially. When she had left me during the end of my forth year in school I was as calm as a lamb. And then everyone saw their chance, since I was no longer a raging lunatic I started to get bullied on, and I'm not talking just names, I got beat up, kids bigger brothers drove straight into me with their mopeds, I got locked inside small cleaningrooms, my cloths got taken away after gym class, so I had to wait there until the school closed, to be escorted home, and ofcourse everyone stood outside laughing when the teacher said, come on now, noone's at school now. The bullying continued until I started 6th grade. In the end of 5th grade I took a big rock and smashed it into a guys head with such great force that it cracked open and my clothes where drained in blood it felt like, it pouring out of his cracked open skull and everyone around screaming, so horribly screaming their wits out. Teachers came running, and they didn't calm everything down, they started to scream to, everyone just screamed, it was so scary, I didn't really understand that I could've killed the guy, my brain couldn't compute that, the men on TV did worse things then this and the ones they did it to never died. It all went downwards from there. I was a lonewolf, noone dared go close to me, they whispered behind my back, I knew they were calling me names, but I couldn't care less of what happend to me. Social service got involved, the kid had survived, but he were on the thin line, having lost alot of blood. But yes, he survived, to my great gratitude today. Anyhow, as I said, I was a lonewolf, until I started 7th grade (we only have 9 grades of elementary school in Sweden) when I started 7th grade I got introduced to the hard life, 12 guys closing in on me first day at school, all 9th graders, one of them taking out a knife, which I thought was bigger then my forearm, putting it to my throuth and calmly stating that he where to slit my throuth if I ever started trouble or ever said this to anyone. (I can say now that this is the first time I've said it.) Ofcourse I didn't start any trouble, I had never been afraid before in my life, having been brought up the hard way with my dad beating on me, and me taking it out on others as revenge. I had never been afraid, and that day I was shaking, almost shaking uncontrollable, as I am now, in real life, only thinking about it. 7th grade went on like 5th grade more or less, I got beat on at almost every break inbetween classes, girls where calling me names. Everything from duckbut to negrobut. (I had somewhat outstanding but, which later in my life girls started to like because it represented a well-trained body.)(The typical but that you see body builders have anyhow.) It was unusual among children, and therefor I got bullied for it. Beaten up for looking at someone and always thrown into cleaning compartments at first best chance. This was my life, I started thinking about commiting suicide halfways through 7th grade, I came as far as holding the knife to my throuth when I bursted in tears, realising I wasn't strong enough, I always had the same picture in my head when I thought about suicide, I always saw my mother and my father kneeling over my dead body, my mother holding my head in her lap, screaming out my name, my dad seemingly unaware of what happend, of chock I always thought, just looking down at the ground, a single tear falling from his cheek. (And I had NEVER seen my dad cry, so this vision was to much for me, I'm crying as I'm writing this, for the vision of it is so clear.) This stopped me, every time I thought about commiting suicide, or finally took the knife in my hand. I simply couldn't do it. My father and mother had calmed down some, they wheren't fighting as open as before, and not as often either. (I thought) One night, by the end of 7th grade, I'm 13 years old, my little brother is 10. I heard those screams, the same screams that made my tears flow a few years before. But this time it was different, dad was shouting and my mom was screaming that he was not allowed to leave the house, he shout back to her that she couldn't stop him. It got quiet for a second, struggling noices came from the hallway leading out of the door, then I heard something, a smack, a I can't really say what it was, and a big *THOD* reached my room, my mother started screaming in pain as my dad had broken her arm, opened the door and slammed it after him, leaving my mother on the floor screaming. I ran out to her, and I saw her sitting by the sofa, on the floor holding her left arm and I could se it was broken, the smell of blood. I to burst in tears, promising my mom I would be a better child, I would make everything good again, kept telling her everything would be alright. It would be better, I asked her to please stop crying, and she replied she couldn't the pain was to much, I didn't know what to do (I'm having a hard time writing all this because I'm constantly in tears) so I ran to the phone and called her sister, I said what I had heard and she exclaimed a bit WHAT? and the second after "I'll be right there." Leaving me standing by the phone, I didn't know what to do, I felt so powerless, I felt my heart become a stone, a stone slowly sinking down to my stomage, I hated myself, it was all my fault, I wanted to hurt myself, hurt my dad, hurt someone. I was clueless, powerless. Moms sister arrived what felt like seconds after she had hanged up, took a quick look at my mom asking how it felt, and she said what I feared. It's broken Kicki. She went to the phone and called 911 (90000) as it was in Sweden back then. Kicki ordered me back to my room, I didn't say anything, I just went, coming into my room and I heard the small sobs from underneath my bedsheat, my brother was crying uncontrollable, I took him to my chest and started to promise him it would be okey instead, that everything would be, simply, okey. I think we both fell asleep with teirs in our eyes and a big stone for a heart that night. A few days after dad had come back home, him and mom was sitting by the kitchen table talking when they called our names.
I refused to believe what was to happen. Strictly marching out to the kitchen with my little brother right behind me. And they told us to sit down, that they have been thinking, and that it would be the best for both of them if they were to separate. I knew it, screaming I hate you I ran back to my room, closed and locked the door, and to my surprice I was left alone.
I didn't understand how I would adapt to this, I didn't want to adapt to it. I wanted them to be together, to keep struggling for a relationship, but I know I was only selfish thinking like that. I decided to think that life would go on. And it did. I started 8th grade, the first two weeks of 8th grade was the same as 7th. Then I met a guy, or well, a man in my eyes, he was 19 years old. Member of a right wing extrimist group in Gothenburg. He said they would take care of me. He said they would be my friends. I can't in words express the happiness I felt that day, and they did, I kept getting bullied at school, but afterwards I went home to one of them and sitting down, among friends, talking. They eventually understood something was wrong in school as I had bruses from time to time. When they asked me the first time I said I didn't want to talk about it. (I didn't want to show them how weak I was.) But they forced me, more or less, to say it, because they understod there was something majorly wrong. So I told them...
The next day at school all of them had promised to show up. The first class went on, I got out and a guy pushed me into a locker, and I proudly said, you are the first one to go down! Straight to his face. His face took a somewhat dazzled look, but he quickly regained himself simply to hit me in the stomache then leaving me there, coughing for breath. The second class went on, and when it was over I hoped they where to stand outside my class room, waiting for me.
But noone was there, and I sneaked around the school to see if I could find them, if they couldn't find me. I got a hit once and got pushed into the locked once when I sneaked around in the school. Then they called in for the third class, and I, depressed, went there. But at lunchbreak after the third class had ended and I was heading to lunch 8 really big, really muscular guys was entering the school premises, and I saw that it was them! I quickly got their attention, everyone was staring as they walked up to me, one of them gave me a hug and the others tapping my head or my shoulder. Then they all looked dead serious and asked me. Who are bullying you? I quickly pointed to the closest resting table outside lunch hall. Where one of the guys where sitting, one of my friends asked me, the guy with the red cap, and I nodded. All 8 of them strongly marched over to him, the biggest one quickening the phase, grabbing hold of him lifting him up the air and threw him what felt like 10 metres through the air, into a wall. All of them going up to him and each one of them had their time with him. The guy that hugged me finally said, if you as much as LOOK at Mats again (Mats, that's me. Hi *grin*) we will come back, and we will slowly kill you and your friends. One of his friends had exited the lunch hall and he saw the big guys, his friend lying all beat up, blood running from his nose and mouth, he gasped, and as I saw him I screamed "THERE! THERE'S ANOTHER!" All of my friends together turning towards him, he tried to run back into the lunchhall, but one of them had allready leaped forward to him, grabbing his neck and threw him into the crowd that was starting to arise. I guess it must've looked quite neat, me a 14 year old boy giving orders to 19, 20 yeard old guys of who they should beat up. They all calmly strode towards him as he was crawling backwards and hit a wall, the first of the guys that reached him picked him up, with one arm, loaded a punch which I have never seen the likes of, not even up to day, and the punch landed straight into the guys face, he emmediately fainted from the blow and was hanging, seemingly lifeless from his arm. (What you need to understand was that these guys where huge, noone shorter then 195 centimeters and all of them insanely big built.)
After having thrown another guy ontop of some lockers, saying the same thing to him as they did with the first one they walked to me, saying they had to leave before the cops got here, wished me luck, and promised me that noone would ever dare to touch or even look at me again.
It amazes me how right they acually where, I ofcourse where in interrogations with the police all afternoon where they asked for their names and such. Ofcourse I didn't give them the names. I simply said, how should I know, I've never seen them before. Denying everything that had taken place. But the next day, when I came to school, I prepared to get jumped by everyone that, by now, hated me. And I had decided that this time, I will not be weak, this time I will show them what I'm made of. But noone did, noone even looked at me. It was kind of creepy, but that's how it was, and it continued like that for almost a week. The guys that had formerly bullied me never stopped looking at the floor when I was around. The three guys that got what they deserved still doesn't dare to look me into my eyes. I started getting friends in school. Most of them false, they just wanted to be on my good side, but some of them true, real friends.
Life went on, with much ease, apart from home, my mom had meet a new man and my dad a new woman. And I started having trouble in school because I was no longer bullied, I was one of the most respected, or say feared, guys in all of the community where I lived. So therefor I somewhat had a name I had to live up to. I started skipping school, skipping classes, I started getting girls and by the beginning of 9th grade I lost my virginity, to be honest, I was one of the first few guys that had done it. So I got even more respect. I believe somewhere along the road people where seeing good sides of me. That I could acually be nice, and that I had somewhat a sense of humor. Anyhow, after I had lost my virginity the life, as I refer to now adays, started. I started sleeping with girls, as many as possible. On my 15th birthday I had gotten my friends ID-card, which said I was born 1980, so I was 20 years on that ID-card. I visited pubs, I had been working out since my friends where at school, I tried anabolic steroids, I gained alot of muscles and ALOT of size. Beeing high on puberty and trying different steroids I was like a cracker munching russion on speed, hehe. I continued having trouble in school, I just didn't care I think. Or I didn't have enough energy it felt like. I was all emptied with having to tell my friends on how I did that or that girl. Building up a name as a player around myself. I acually once had a girl that asked me if my dick had shrunk because I did steroids, to her surprice it had not, and so I added another girl on my list. As I couldn't care about school the problems started to arise, my teachers started to nag on me and my parents did to. Then, one day, I was sitting in my friends sofa, he took out a box, I knew what it was for it was where he always kept his steroids, which I also had taken a few shots or tried a few pills from. But this time it was a bottle in it. A bottle with a gooy-looking transparent or grey-transparent fluid inside. He asked me if I wanted some, and I quickly said yes, after he said what it was. The drug GHB, an escape from reality I thought. I started doing drugs, people noticed that on me, because when I was high, everything was alright, I was feeling fine, but when I wasn't high I was all down and depressed. I went home high, not even afraid of if my mother would notice it. I honestly didn't care. I tried to sell it among the kids and my friends in school. And once I even took it in school, having been given a bad substance I miss-ignited and went all crazy for an hour only to the next hour after that beeing down, it felt like the world was going to end. I felt powerless, couldn't move, I just sat with my head in my arms mumbling all the time. (This has been told to me afterwards, didn't know that.)
I then understod my life was on the brink, and when everything was alright with it, what I felt, I didn't want to die, I had no urge to die, I was liked and accepted among the people in school, I couldn't die. But did I stop? No, unfortunately I didn't. And one night my friends called me on the phone, telling me they would come pick me up. And so they did, I straight away got another dose of GHB and I was feeling juuuust fine.
But there was something wrong with this one, it didn't kick in as other substances did. So I thought it was simply weak, and I took another one while my friends where inside a house on some business, I sitting in the car. After about 5 minutes everything started to look strange, the colors where flowing together like I've never seen before, and when my friends came back and saw me they said WTF, did you take another one? I said yes, but having heard their stories afterwards I only said "yeya*blubblub*ys" one of the bitchslapped me so hard I could almost hear bells ringing. He screamed that this wasn't GHB it was GBL three times as STRONG as GHB, so I had just taked 6 dozes of GHB. I almost puked on the floor, I got dragged out in the bushes along the road so I could puke, then they put me in the backseat, I almost fell asleep all the time, and even though I knew that I would die when falling asleep I still couldn't stop it. My closest friend, starting hitting me in the face every time I was about to fall asleep, he said that if I fall asleep it's over. I puked about 3 more times, then, we stopped at a loong straight forward road, one of them helped me out. And he said, you have to run along the car now, do you understand? You have to run as fast as you can, you have to raise your bloodpressure, that's the only way to get rid of this. Run now, run as fast as you have never ran before he screamed after me. I heard the car door shut, I was running, I was running so fast, I felt my heart beat slowly, calmly, I felt invincible, not even tired of running, I ran so fast the wind blew in my face, then only what felt like seconds from when I had started running I came to the end of the road. So I looked back, and they stood at the same place, honking the horn, so I started running back, as fast as I could, sooo fast, it felt almost like flying, however that feels. It felt like my feet didn't touch the earth, I was running with the speed of sound. And I came up to the car, they told me to get in. Asked me how I felt, and I cheeringly said, I'm lovely! with a big smile on my face. Stupid idiot one of them mumbled and I started to laugh uncontrollable. That rush lasted for almost 5 hours. It was incredible.
But it was the last time I took a heavy drug. The last time. I moved to my father because school didn't work out. I was failing 13 subjects. I moved to my dad, got locked up more or less. And I finished elementary school with as little as 3 failed subjects, all of them really unimportant. I got accepted to the highschool I wanted and started playing EverQuest with my own account. (I had played it for a little over 1 year on my friends account.) The friends I had quit hanging with nazis, they had realised how stupid it was. It took me another year to realise it. High school went on, and I kept sleeping with girls. All and all, to the day I'm here I've had 27 girls in bed. 7 of them have been girlfriends. Short relationships apart from this one now, but I'll come to that soon. 5 of the girls where returning sex partners, open relationships as they're called. Maybe I felt comfort in sex, or by the chest of a girl. I had girls in all ages. No more then 2 years younger then me and no higher then 16 years olders then me.
Anyhow, one day I meet Elin. My, as far as I'm concerned, big love. In believe I threated her as a godess, she was everything, she had everything! But I couldn't even wait meer 3 months for sex. I cheated on her, this was probably the biggest mistake in my life. I had cheated on girls before, but I never felt bad afterwards, now I felt awful, I didn't want to continue to live. But she acually took me back. she forgave me, or so I thought. (Later on I understod she would never forgive me.) We had sex for the first time, and to my surprice I didn't feel anything. No love, no nothing. But it changed, we acually started to have a somewhat normal relationship. Then life just HAD to destroy everything for me, as it allready had done so many prior times.
I got in a fight with a nazi on our local square. Since I was out that evening to take a few bears I didn't want to fight, so I knocked him to the ground and ran away from there.
Only to find myself a week after staring at my little brothers face, it was filled with blood, it ran down on his coat and he was screaming it was them! It was them! I straight forward took of into the woods, looking for them, those god damn chickenshits. I saw them at a creek, started screaming that they would come down, but they scattered in different directions. So I ran back to the car, told my friends that they where somewhere close, and we started looking for them, I was boiling with anger, I was seeing black, I was seeing death and mayhem, destruction and suffering. I would make them suffer the way my little brother was doing! We eventually turned into a road and I saw then strowling up it. I pointed and said, it's them! We accelerated and turned infront of them, the breaks screaming as we slowed down, I flew out of the door and jumped up in the air towards him, everything was as frozen in the air, I saw his face, he didn't try to defend himself, I was about to explode in anger, I consumed all the anger I had been keeping inside me for all these years! I saw pictures flashing by! My anger rouse! I saw his dead face infront of me! And I let my punch strike down into his face, he flew to the ground and I was on him in an instance, beating like insane, screaming that he had messed with the wrong family I beated him so hard that he moved several meters and rolled down into the drench I jumped after him and continued beating on his face, I hit his neck when he covered the face, and the face when he covered the neck, I saw him faint and regain coinciousness after each blow I gave him, but I couldn't stop there! It wasn't enough! He didn't suffer! This was only on the surface, I need to hurt him! I needed to kill him I was thinking! I saw a stone lying beside his head, I picked it up in my right hand I started hitting every open point on his head. One time, two times, three times, four times, five times... then I stood up, him lying between my legs. I saw a point on the top of his head which was unprotected, I took hold with both of my hands on the stone and I screamed! NOOOOOOOW YOU DIEEEEEE! And I hit him with all my force, remembered the sound for so many years ago of a head cracking open, the big *CROCK!* and I was done. I felt it was over. I stepped of him, walked up to the road and realised what I had done. One of his friends, a girl, walked towards him and started screaming that he was dead. Even my friends looked at me then at him and told me I was insane. Coldly stating that I were not a sane individual.
As they tryed to help him up he regained coinciousness and started screaming my name. He saw me and started walking towards me, loading a punch, I avoided the punch and landed my own on his chin. He just, like a bag of potatoes, he dropped to the ground, and they picked him up, put him in the car and drove him to the hostpital. Yes, he survived, that to, to my big surprice.
Life went on, police interrogations, which I had allready experienced quite alot of. Mom and dad afraid for their own, and their families lives.
And I kept to my girlfriend, I kept to Elin, I knew I needed her support, I knew I needed her to hold me, to tell me she loved me. To cherish me, take care of me.
I felt lost, so lost. And then, things started to change, slowly, but they changed.
She started to deny sex, she hugged me less, she kissed me less. This was about 6-7 months into our relationship. It felt like the intimacy in our relationship was being depleted, I looked back at everything and couldn't understand what I had done. I tried to figure it out. For so long I was unable to understand. The summer came along and it all got worse. I acually kissed a girl, which made everything even worse! I got accused of having raped a girl. (And as it feels now I think that Elin might believe her.) I might be strange, but I would NEVER rape a girl. She denied more and more, and all my power went to crying myself to sleep because I could not understand why. I could not see any reason for her to chance like this. But then it came to me, like a gift from satan or any source of evil itself. I started thinking she was cheating on me, or that she had someone being my back, and if not such she was atleast looking for a replacement, an upgrade. Something. I started getting suspicious, calling her and asking where she was, what she was doing. I was soo afraid of loosing her. I feel now as I felt then. I need her! Then she broke up! Like that... not having spoken to me, I never saw it coming, or well, I did. But not like that. I tried, ohh I tried to get her back. Everything felt wrong. She wasn't accepting me. I tried for over 4 months to get her back. (She broke up shortly after our 1st year anniversery.) For 4 months I tried... and I tried, to solve things, to get her to talk, I tried everything that stod in my power. Nothing worked. So I gave up. Then all of a sudden she wanted me back. I couldn't understand why at first, but I didn't want to ask her because I loved her so much, I still do, but things change. I had finally gotten her back and I thought life would be better. It was, sometimes, but we ended up fighting like we used to. Fighting because of sex. She said no and my thoughts came rolling in like a river. She's cheating. And all that. I began to argue with her because she was simply tired and didn't want to. It's normal, but I was merely tired of it. Then one it acually felt like I reached her, like I reached her heart for the first time. she promised she would try to better herself, and I promised likewise, that I would not get upseat and think of her, cheating on me. And things like that.
Sure, she changed, I think I did to. The thing is, we hardly ever meet after that. And now, a few days back, new years eve went on. We made love, from my side, lovely. But something felt wrong with her, she seemed forced, she seemed like doing it on a robotical level. Like "Alright, do me, get it over with."
And up to today my life is no longer in my hands.
I no longer know what to do, or if I should end it or not.
I'm still pretty sure I do not possess the strength needed to commit suicide.
As I didn't possess it when I was younger, I will not possess it now. Or so I think.
I have options. I can move several miles away from here. I can join the French Foreign Legion, move to Scotland or to Spain. I just know that. If it ends between me and Elin, my life, as I know it, is over. And I cannot stay in Gothenburg, close to her. Why? For simply, I love her to much, and if someone would speak about her I would ask, and if they then would say she got another one. I would die within. I know that life goes on. I am not some ranting kid. But my life will not go on. I am absolutely sure of it.

so why continue? Hope, it is hope that drives me. Hope of that some day I to shall live a normal life. Have a totally normal life. That is my dream.
07 Jan 2005 Fuck Up The existance of stomach pumps is irrelevant. The thing to do to defeat them is first make sure your family and friends hate yuo as much as you do...not only they wont try to save you, they will probably help you. But then, why take that chance?? Make sure you live a new apartment if you have too and go there but don't tell ANYBODY where. Take a half bottle of sleeping pills, xtra strength. If you take too many, the suicide coating will cause you to regurgitate them, so be careful. Drink enough strong alcohol that you wont throw up...BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF ON THIS!! IT IS CRITICAL!! If you take too many pills or too much alcohol you risk inadvertantly pumping your own stomach all over the floor!! Lay down and take a permanap. Don't worry...noone will miss me. I'm a fuckup. I should've been aborted.
07 Jan 2005 me me and my mate stef are doing a pack to all die on my 16th birthday die when your 16 itz a good age so u ll no if ur life is good or bad b4 16 but dont do owt b4 then xx
07 Jan 2005 Lenora whoever wrote the last post under my name, you should be ashamed. I have people that want to commmit suicide and are trying to reach out for help and here you are trying to encourage them to do it under my honest name. I hope you realize what you are doing and are ashamed for it. I forgive you but you really aren't doing anyone a favor by telling them to commit suicidal acts. I hope God blesses you anyway.
07 Jan 2005 princessetoktok avaler un sac de billes lester par des soldats de plombs le tout enfermer dans un préservatif voler à une maman ou une grande soeur quelquonque

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