Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

Nom/email
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
05 Jul 2010 chris Im 17 im in high school. im becoming a senior. The day people figured out I was gay in high school (Junior year btw), they all ridiculed me right on the spot. Juniors, Seniors, teachers, even parents. One day after football pratice, i was walking home and a group of guys ran behind me and bashed me over the head with a glass bottle, and they all kicked and punched me while i was down on the ground. Then they took me into a back alley way and took there turns pinning me down and rapeing me. When they were all finished they spoke amongst each other saying ' so how do you wana kill the fag?', one by one saying it over and over " lets stick a knife into this failed abortion". One of them pulled out a knife and plunged it into me, he whispered into my ear "die fag". I passed out and they ran away. I crawled my way into the street praying that some one would find me. Twenty minutes passed and finaly a car drove by and the stranger helped me to the hospital. Where i went into surgery..... My mom and step dad picked me up and took me home. And there i stayed. *The thing i want u to walk away with from this story today is, if u read this story plz dont judge me, if u do then u must have made up in ur mind that u know me now and u can tell who i am without listening to me, but of course u can tell me who i am and i cant, because obviously u know me better than i know myself. Plz dont judge.*
04 Jun 2010 Christopher It makes me quite sad to read this (I found this page by accident. I know how some of you feel. Ok Im lucky enough to say I've never been abused and i will never be able to understand the kind of pain that must cause but I know what it's like to look on the mirror and completely despise what is looking back and feel like erasing myself off the face of the planet. I spent 3 years desperately depressed and ended up in hospital more times than I care to remember. I took overdoses of sleeping pills, painkillers and a huge amount of alcohol. I've cut myself so bad that i've lost some movement in my rift hand. There is no way to properly describe fully the pain that I felt. Right now I'm trapped in a loveless relationship with a man that openly cheats on me constantly. I can't find work so I can't get out. At least work was an escape for me. My family has disowned me because a while back when he started cheating I forgave him and refused to leave him. I spend every day being told I'm worthless and a waste of space. But I know that if I kill myself I will only prove the world right so I vow to somehow pull myself out of this rut and make something of myself. I know what it's like to not be able to sink any lower and be gripped by complete desperation but no matter how desperate you are everyone is unique and special. I know you probably don't feel it but I promise that each and every one of you has a valuable place in life. It may take time to see it but I swear it's true. There is nothing so cruel as false hope so I whole hearted swear that every person on earth is amazing and beautiful in their own way. I love you all and I hope one day you can see the strength in the mirror and love yourself for having the strength to overcome your pain.
27 May 2010 charlotte Exploser son vagin avec un christ en fer
13 May 2010 Christine It's been forever ago since I've last written.
And some people have nicely written back.
Thank you.

My life has only gotten worse from here. Sure, my girlfriend is nicer now. But I'm invisible. They don't care, they never did.

I'm only "there" when they need me, they only acknowledge me when they need something.

My parents are meaner. Hurtful.
Whale. Fat.
..muscle.

I still crave suicide.
But, you know what. Maybe I'll stick around a little longer. Maybe I'll see what life choses to torment me with next.

THanks to those who responded. THanks for caring. You are the first.
12 May 2010 Chris Lopak Killing yourself will resolve your pain here on earth, but you will leave an incredible pile of pain for everyone else you leave behind. Suicide is understandable but an act of supreme selfishness, and never solves the problem ultimately.
Without Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour your pain is just beginning. If you die in your sins, you immediately go to Hell. Jesus describes Hell as a:
"Their worm does not die and their fire is not quenched." Mark 9:48
"There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 25:30
"...I am tormented in this flame." Luke 16:24

All unbelievers who die in their sins have to be sentenced by a Holy and Righteous God for rejecting the ultimate Love, that is Jesus Christ dying on the cross for their sins.
When you or anybody else asks Jesus Christ into their hearts to forgive them of their sins He will forgive you.

"Whoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:13

The main reason anybody desires to commit suicide is because Satan and the Demons convince you that you are worthless, that nobody loves you, and especially that there is no hope!
THAT IS NOT TRUE, THAT IS THE ENEMY OF YOUR SOUL LYING TO YOU!!
"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

Jesus Christ came in the flesh, born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, and was crucified on the cross at Calvary, buried three days, and then was resurrected from the grave. And HE LIVES!!

JESUS CHRIST LOVES YOU!!!

He desires an intimate relationship with you! He is not like your earthly mother or father, who sometimes fails us, neglect us, beat us, abuse us...

HE IS NOT LIKE THAT!!!

Our parents are sinners, just like the very first sinners ADAM AND EVE!! They, like you, inherited a corrupted nature that is naturally an enemy of GOD. ThatÂ’s why you need to be BORN AGAIN! You came into this world physically alive, but spiritually dead!!

Please, if you kill yourself and have not received Jesus Christ as your personal LORD and Saviour. It doesn't matter what you FEEL, God judges based on His Word and His Truth, not our wrong ideas about Him!! YOU WILL GO TO HELL!

BUT THANKS BE TO GOD THAT THROUGH HIS SON JESUS CHRIST, HE HAS PROVIDED HOPE AND ETERNAL LIVE TO ALL WHO PUT THEIR TRUST IN HIM !!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

GOD LOVES YOU!!
09 May 2010 Bitter Gun to the head, eyes closed pull the trigger.... Quick painless....

This is a reasonable question to some people, so all to christians, please stop posting crap about how it isn't worth it. The question isn't "Should I commit Suicide?" Give an answer or be disgusited, and trying to save someone isn't an answer.
13 Apr 2010 Chris To all of you who have "attemted" suicide i say your a bunch of posers. It is unbelievably easy to end your own life. To have failed at doing so means you did not really want want to end it. You simply crave attention which is the reason you probably wanted to kill yourself anyway because you did not get enough attention.
18 Mar 2010 Christine I have no idea. I came here, trying to find out. I'm turning 15 in a few months, and my life seems perfect.
I have a beautiful girlfriend and loving friends.
My parents are constantly abusing me, emotionally now. They stopped physical a few years ago. They call me a whale. A freak. You name it. I'm not perfect. I may be heavy, but it's all muscle. I'm a fucking athlete.
My girlfriend drinks at school. She doesn't seem to care about me now. Once we were perfect. Once we actually talked. Once we cuddled, kissed, loved. No more. My friends do LSD at school. As much as I love helping their problems, they never listen to me anymore. When I need help, they dont care.
I have no one to turn to, no one to love. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
Please. Help me find a way to stop this awful suffering.
Life's ticking by. Grain by grain. Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok.
So help me now. PLEASE. I'm desperate.
01 Mar 2010 Messenger Ending your life will not be the end of the road! It will be the beginning of an eternal suffering that you cannot even begin to imagine. There is an internal being inside of each of us called the spirit and this being is eternal. If you kill yourself now your inner man will instantly transition into hell. Before God suicide is a SIN and if you die through suicide you die in sin, and you will suffer the concequence of eternal condemnation. That's the bad news, but yje good news is that no matter what you're going through God can and will in the name of Jesus Christ. Jesus? Yeah Jesus, only through the name of Jesus can God really connect with humanity. Pray in the name of Jesus and ask God the father to reveal himself to you through his Holy Spirit. He will do it and everything (all the pain, hurt, confusion, and anger) will go away. You have nothing to lose! Trust and give God an oppurtunity so you can recieve his love.
16 Feb 2010 Kelly If you hurt so badly, that you want to kill yourself, just remember, it will only be the BEGINNING of ETERNAL TORMENT. Because God punishes the sin of suicide, as well as the sin of rejecting Jesus, by giving you eternal life in HELL, where there is no torment on earth that can ever be as bad. Pain will never stop in HELL. Psychological anguish will never stop in HELL. Regret will never stop in HELL. What ever it is that hurts you now, in life, will be infinitely MORE hurtful in death, because you will be all alone with it, for ETERNITY! Think about that, my dear 'under 13'. It doesn't matter if I care, but I do. What matters is that you need to find a reason to care about yourself. Care about animals, care about the planet, care about your garden, care about a child you don't even know...just care. I must say again, there is NOTHING in this life that can compare to the awful existence that is eternity in hell, and that will be your reward for succeeding in killing yourself. And ETERNITY is a looooooonnnnnnngggggggg, loooooonnnnnggggg time to hurt. Pray this now, "God, please forgive me, send your Holy Spirit to live in me to change me, and give me the Faith to believe in the saving grace of your son, Jesus, amen." Then since you have the internet, google the Bible's book of Romans and read it. It is a wonderful handbook that Paul (once a Christian persecuter named Saul) wrote (with God's inspiration), to his friends. May God bless you and may his Holy Spirit lift your mood and may belief in Jesus give you a reason to keep fighting to stay alive until GOD calls you home. I am as far into the black hole of depression as any of you, because I have had chronic pain 24/7 for the last 11 years, but God's Holy Spirit lives in me and gives me the strength not to give up. H.S is strong and will be YOUR strength too! Please believe my words. I only came upon this site by accident, but I'm sure it was for a reason.
20 Dec 2009 Michael Excuse me but even for people who have had experiences like these and who actually have been through unforgivable events in there life you shouldn't encourage this behaviour who dare's to have a dead family member for christmas or loose there only child excuse me I just think this is in appropiate.
06 Oct 2009 my name is not important im 15 years old. All i can say is you should not because the christian bible says so. that is why you shouldnt. that is my only reason why you shouldnt... i have thought about suicide not because of my unimportance but me not having the power to change anything. to help anyone. I think i can help other people with there problems and stuff but i cant.wrote this is in depth because i am manic i know how it feels and i want to say i will help you but what can i do?die instead. all i have is God. all i can say is GOD. all you can do is pray, find God, and live for hope. please dont kill yourself if your still alive. i cant help the dead.
10 Sep 2009 Helen kill the evil inside of you. ask Jesus Christ to fill you with hope and love. All other will fail you, parents, teachers, friends, family, even the family pet. But Christ if you let him fill you with hope will save you, maybe not all things will be great or even good, but you will have a better chance at living
04 Sep 2009 Christmas Most, important year of school, everyone I talk to is crazy. The people who run my school are absolutely mad, I don't get it. The brief sections of empty dialogue I go through daily, may be all I have. Wine and cigarettes, didn't work, as if I fell endless thirst. I can't explain much, sorry. It's just. . . I don't know, there is this girl who wonders around amongst all the crazy people who don't exist, I really want to say something to her... She's three years late it feels. . . God, Mouchette why can't I talk to her? I'm going to try again tomorrow, every time I see her face lingering someone to long I'm just breathless though. Everything feels so lifeless these days. . .
28 Aug 2009 jen I'd love to tell all of you to pray to God crack open a bible he will talk to you ask him and you will receive

but above all please do what he said - worry not for the day for the day is ANXIOUS for itself -

did you know worry is a sin?

Did you know that God wants you to pray for christ and his return in your prayers striving together as one? He wants us all to be saved.

Please find God -
29 Jul 2009 brettskibeat The best way to kill your self if you are young is to simply let it roll on until you arn't...that self at any age is moving right along...this way or that, all the time....there is no funeral for the kid body,it just transforms slowly into a taller thang, and yeah you guessed it so is that depressed gooey grey fucken thing in your head. I'M not 13 man i'm fourty five and i have the priveledge to be any age i've already been...wait a bit , pick one you think is groovy and just be that....today i'm eleventy two, that is... the eleven year old in me thinks the twenty two year old is really groovy and worth looking up to and hanging out with...the forty five year old guy is saying...oh not this shit again, but in the spirit of looking out for his imaginary children he plays the game and everyone is happy...except for the twenty three year old who saw his father die, or the twenty eight year old when his mother died, or 31 34 25 16 19 when 'a' either his girl friend fucked off with a christian dork or 'b' had his friends suicide on him, leaving him with a strange sense of abstract humour for the departed....if your thinking about a life with jesus just remember there is no exit plan from christianity so if you dont like it and want to leave as far as they are concerned you can go to hell, thats why they dreamed it up like that, trust me it doesnt matter how many souls you bring their way...when you leave they have no appreciation for it at all, i bought about 15 people to the lord and they bought others and so on,but as i left i was accused of fucking the pastors wife, not being a real man because i wouldnt get married, any amount of shit they can dream up because you arn;t a part of their club...even the bible says something about you being a thousand times worse of something....they'll sit around in cell groups praying for what they wanted for your life for years after because they have nothing better to do, its like some strange christian voodoo that they have over you because you were once theirs. i placed my ass behind a drum kit and turned depression into aggresion and went and gave over thirteen thousand lessons to a bunch of kids at a music school in rural nsw australia, i didnt tell them 'this will help with your suicidal inevitabilities' but i know some of them will be able to rise above the fucked existance that every male living in this country experiences....i'm sick to fucken death of poverty and bullshit prompting about how you can achieve the unachievable, the unachievable here is longevity and it might turn out to be the only card i hold on this so called judgement day awaiting us all,,get fucked big fella i didn't pussy out on your shit planet...now up grade me to to a planet closer to the metropolos of the rest of the universe instead of this place way out to the left of nowhere,13 year olds are too sexy and cute to be dead, they just need to learn how to take advantage of that situation, if your a boy and you are starting to grow little boobies and having nuaghty dreams...dig it dig it dig it
11 Jun 2009 the joker guys, i am 13 years of age, my parents love me to hell i seem to find myself sitting on my skinny ass playing world of warcraft everyday 24/7 except school weeks... i look at porn and do stupid things when i shouldn't be doing them... i am told that i would get in trouble with the police... i chuckle at them and say.... " if i go to jail, then i will kill my self" they get angry!!!! the best way to commit sucide is to wait til your heart has done its part... then thats when you die im hanging in there... i cant even grow the fucking gold brass balls to kill my self, then again i cant bring myself to jump out of my window (do note that i live in a very tall flat and there are 14 floors in total and i live on floor 13) so very easy to die and also ANYONE WHO IS BEING BULLIED DO NOT FUCKING KILL YOURSELVES, IF YOU TELL THEN YOU WON'T SUFFER ANYTHING... you know its kinda like eating butterfly cakes... they're tasty and its a pretty good feeling when you tell on the bullies then they are dealt with it is like exorcising a demon but yes of course that is very irrelevant to this subject - my message : don't kill yourself, instead try to work out plans... its like being in a war you just got to tidy it up into groups ETC: problems sort them into groups like... home,school,work,family or friends and if you had a recent issue with a friend then isolate yourself from them for a while while you solve all your other problems its like deafeating people... but yes, its not really a war but a emotional war i am not emo i am not goth i am not any of those people i am just a normal,sadistic a big deaf asshole who hasn't got a life because hes too focused on getting a good life i have a girlfriend and i consider myself "EXTREMELY" lucky to have her because she is the most beautiful girl on the planet in my opinion and if i commit suicide it will break her heart and it won't just hurt her... it'll hurt your friends... itll hurt your family... IMAGINE YOUR BROTHER OR SISTER COMING INTO YOUR ROOM AND FIND YOUR CORPSE HANGING ON THE CEILING WITH BLOOD COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WITH A FRICKING SUICIDE NOTE PINNED ON YOUR ASS SAYING THAT YOU LOVE THEM TO BITS BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - THEY FEEL TERRIBLE AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF NOT TO CRY TO SHIT ABOUT THIS... :( its a sad life out there where is the old days.. i read about the swinging sixties.. where peace and love was at its highest.. where did that go?!
05 Jun 2009 christmas How do you pay the rent with this Mouchette?
I mean, Really. Talking about Lucy's breasts is all fine and dandy, but I don't feel like it's a recession proof business.
26 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a. billy the freak amsterdam heaves like the breath in her lungs. people bustle through the streets as
the blood surges through her veins. i can feel this all around me.... however, i sit
alone in the a bar. I want to be alone, only me and the bartender. hey, did you know
i have the power to be anybody? i can go anywhere and do anything, any-fucking-way i
want to do it. However, tonight I sit alone. i sit in a basement level dive too dark
to see the clock on the wall, yet bright enough to see the bar in front of me. the
pink neon light in the window screamed in its best cursive 'MOUCHETTE' a warm and
ambient glow enveloping you like a womb welcoming all to her embrace. however,
tonight i sit alone.
The bartender is mouchette and i am only a guest in her place. like me she has the
power to be anything, but only in the minds of other people. if you were to ask her
who she was("mouchette, really who are you?")she would say she killed herself at the
brink of thirteen and in death had second thoughts. now she plays a game and through
this game she lives on. tonight mouchette is a thirty something italian woman with
the type of beauty that says you would like to fuck her, but wouldn't really perform
at your best only because you are intimidated by her razor sharp wit and her worldly
charm.. She has so many friends and you never feel good enough in her company. the
intimate encounters are few and far between and you both want more. when you are
away she is always in the back of your mind. i know all this and tonight she is only
the bartender, why she is in this spittoon of a saloon could only be guessed, but i
do know she is here... aways here for me.
"mouchette! baby doll, please pour me another." i belted.
"billy darling no need to shout; i am right here and there is no one else in the
bar." she said in a reprimanding tone."another vodka and tonic i would bet."
"right you are. you know me well."
"i know you because you know you, you know me and right now... this is all we know."
"positively insightful mouchette, I say you inspire me. you are my muse." this i
announced with a certain amount of glee.
"billy" she said while fixing my drink. "I am afraid the booze is your muse.." She
sat the drink down in front of me.
I was outraged. "mouchette, you... how could you say this? do you want to hurt me?
do you want me to feel bad?"
"again billy, this is all we know. I think you must ask yourself that question."
{what is her angle? what is she getting at? i want her to go with the flow.} i took
the drink in one gulp then slammed the heavy short glass motioning for another
drink, nectar of the gods.
" vodka and tonic yes?"
"ha!! i would like a whiskey and coke, if you put pepsi in there i will fucking
smack you." i said triumphantly "you are slipping mouchette... maybe you are not my
muse"
"the joke is on you billy." she said in a tired voice and made the drink in the same
dirty glass.
{the joke was on me. i hate whiskey. what is this? do i have control? yes, i have
all the control. when i am here i am king and she is the servant. So why do i feel
so helpless.} the neon light from out side the bar shined through my half empty
short glass, casting glimmers of light onto the slick bar top. the lights danced
across the fine finished wood as i turned the glass between my thumb and index
finger. suddenly i felt alone. no longer alone by choice, but alone... just
helplessly alone.
"well billy, I'm here" falicia said out of nowhere.
"how did you get here." I asked.
"you let me in silly, what kind of question is that." now i am simply sick of this
shit.
"are you going to fuck with me too falicia!" i shot the whiskey and the fumes and
words came out my mouth like fire. "i don't know how you got here. i don't know why
you keep coming back. i didn't open that fucking door."
"i found the door and walked through it just like you did billy, ask yourself these
questions and you will find the answers you are looking for." falicia ordered a
mineral water and drank while i thought about what she said.
i first came here when i was sixteen it was 1998 ten years passed and now i am
twenty six. i didn't give anything, i only took for one decade. she was always here
when i needed her and at times she made me feel special, at times she made me feel
worthless. I would run away but only in presence. in the stealth of the night i
would visit. the price i pay is her always haunting me, for not a day goes by... not
a day goes by. did i want a suicide kit for christmas? no, i just wanted to show
other children how to play with the toy. i am no longer a child, but i still play
with this toy.
"falicia i come here because as long as people come here i cannot die.... i will
live forever. this is the gift she gave me and i tell you, i don't know if i deserve
it." just when i thought i was opening up falicia started to laugh a hysterical
laugh. then lucy and phil join in. chris and will snow chime and it now a chorus of
laughter. joe lee, mackellar, elaine, agent orange, just a girl, and many others
have the bar quaking with laughter. in spite of myself i start to chuckle as well,
but i had to ask.
"falicia why are we laughing."
"you wanting to live forever is all fine and good," she said as she points across
the bar with her finger resting towards the bartender. "but what happens when she
dies."
that very moment i had ad a revelation and with that change a change happened in
mouchette. her cigarette burn eyes stared at me as she poured me another vodka and
tonic, her smile was just crack on her plastic face
23 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a.billy the freak the city heaves like the breath in her lungs. people bustle through the streets as the blood surges through her veins. i can feel this all around me... however, i sit alone in her bar. I want to be alone, only me and the bartender.
{hey, did you know i have the power to be anybody? i can go anywhere. yep. i can do anything, any-fucking-way i want to do it. however, tonight I sit alone. i sit in a basement level dive too dark to see the clock on the wall, yet bright enough to see the bar in front of me like a high definition painting in a cheap plastic frame. the pink neon light in the window screamed in its best cursive 'MOUCHETTE' a warm and ambient glow enveloping you like a womb welcoming all to her embrace. however, tonight i sit alone.
the bartender is mouchette and i am only a guest in her place. like me she has the power to be anything, but only in the minds of other people. if you were to ask her who she was, she would say she killed herself at the brink of thirteen and in death had second thoughts. not that she didn't want to kill herself, but wanted to know the best way to do it. now she plays a game and through this game she lives on.
tonight mouchette is a thirty something woman with the type of beauty that says you would like to love her, but wouldn't really be at your best only because you are intimidated by her razor sharp wit and her worldly charm... she has so many friends and you never feel good enough in her company. the intimate encounters are few and far between and you both want more. when you are away she is always in the back of your mind. i know all this and tonight she is only the bartender, why she is in this spittoon of a saloon could only be guessed, but i do know she is here... always here for me.
"mouchette! baby doll, please pour me another" i belted.
"billy, darling, no need to shout; i am right here and there is no one else in the bar" she said in a reprimanding tone", " another vodka and tonic i would bet?"
"right you are. you know me well "i said.
"i know you because you know you, you know me and right now... this is all we know" she replied.
"positively insightful mouchette, I say you inspire me. you are my muse." this i announced with a certain amount of glee, but not really understanding what she said. it sounded good enough.
"billy" she said while fixing my drink. "I am afraid the booze is your muse." she sat the drink down in front of me. she is speaking gobbity gook and suggesting i was an alcoholic. I was outraged.
"mouchette, you... how could you say this? do you want to hurt me? do you want me to feel bad?"
"again billy, this is all we know. I think you must ask yourself that question." she said again putting it back on me.
{what is her angle? what is she getting at? i want her to go with the flow.}
i took the drink in one gulp then slammed the heavy short glass motioning for another drink, nectar of the gods.
" vodka and tonic yes?" she called from across the bar.
"ha!! i would like a whiskey and coke, if you put pepsi in there i will fucking smack you." i said triumphantly. "you are slipping mouchette... maybe you are not my muse maybe this is just a joke."
"the joke is on you billy." she said in a tired voice and made the drink in the same dirty glass.
{and the joke was on me. i hate whiskey. in an attempt to be belligerent i asked for something i didn't want. what is this? do i have control? yes, i have all the control. when i am here i am king and she is the servant. So why do i feel so helpless.}
the neon light from out side the bar shined through my half empty short glass, casting glimmers of light onto the slick bar top. the lights danced across the fine finished wood as i turned the glass between my thumb and index finger. suddenly i felt alone. no longer alone by choice, but alone... just helplessly alone.
"well billy, I'm here" felicia said out of nowhere.
"how did you get here." I asked.
"you let me in silly, what kind of question is that?" was the condescending reply.
now i am simply sick of this shit.
"are you going to fuck with me too felicia!" i shot the whiskey down my throat and the words and fumes came out my mouth like fire.
"i don't know how you got here. i don't know why you keep coming back. i didn't open that fucking door you waltzed in here yourdamnself."
"billy right now you want me here. i found the door and walked through it just like you did. billy, ask yourself these questions and you will find the answers you are looking for". felicia ordered a mineral water and drank while i thought about what she said.
i first came here when i was sixteen it was 1998 ten years passed and now i am twenty six. i found this place when i was contemplating suicide. we all know i'm no strait lacer who tied up his shoes to awalk on the wild side. i never gave anything too much, and got so much in return. she was always here when i needed her. at times she made me feel special, at times she couldn't have made me feel more worthless. I would run away, but only in presence and in the stealth of the night i would visit. the price i pay is her always haunting me, for not a day goes by... not a day goes by. did i want a suicide kit for christmas? not really, i just wanted to show other children how to play with the toy. i am no longer a child, but i still play with this toy. i'll still show to get the max amount fun even if you just watch the other children. something eternal made fameous by the hands of its creator. that's it.
"felicia i come here because, as long as people come here i cannot die... i will live forever. this is the gift she gave me and i tell you, i don't know if i deserve it". just when i thought i was opening up felicia started to laugh a hysterical laugh. then lucy and phil joined in. chris and will snow chime in and it is now a chorus of laughter. joe lee, mackellar, elaine, odd orange, dead inside, just a girl, and many others have the bar quaking with laughter. in spite of myself i start to chuckle as well, but i had to ask.
"felicia why are we laughing?"
"although it sounds like an oxymoron in the most basic sense, you wanting to live forever is all fine and good" she said as she points across the bar with her finger resting towards the bartender "but what happens when she dies?"
that very moment i had a revelation and with that change in my mind a change happened in mouchette. her cigarette burned eyes stared at me as she poured me another vodka and tonic, her smile was just crack on her plastic face.

billy the freak

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