|Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.|
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?
Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
|22 Feb 2005||Religious Maggie||It's snowing where I live so I've been boob-sledging in the snow. It's great fun. God is away on business so I'm trying to have as much fun as I can without him. He's gone to help the Pope out. Unfortunately he was busy giving me a divine boob-job when that Tsunami disaster happened so didn't make it in time. But it doesn't matter darlings, the Christians's believe that it was "God's will" anyway. Just like they will believe it's his will if the Pope gets better, but if God doesn't make it in time and the Pope dies they will also believe that it's God's will.
You see in the religious world everyone's a winner, especially my poosy, which is why I have devoted my life to God.
|11 Feb 2005||lauren||my life is not as bad as many people on this website. I have thought about suicide many times. And although I was not strong enough to follow through with my actions, I did wright a suicide note. Please read this if you are thinking about suicide. If you are still going to do it after this note, please contact me. I will be glad to hear what you have to say. Take care.
Dear Friends, Family, Strangers, Aquaintences, etc.
I, Lauren, no longer have the desire to live.
For as long as remember, I was not needed or wanted. I was always the annoying girl, or the girl who wanted to be like everyone else. That is completley and totally true. I was not as pretty as the popular girls and obviously not as high in status. I was mediocre. I was not a loser but not poopular. Which killed me. I tried making friends with the popular girls, but they quickly got rid of me. I was kicked out of the cool table in 8th grade. Thats ok though. Because those girls were not my true friends. And those evil bitches know who they are. They were they girls who thought they were Gods gift to the world. The girls who walked down the halls and only looked at you to see what you were wearing or how your hair looked. These were the girls who never saw past your clothes or designer fashions. Popularity and acceptance were like fire in their eyes. They needed it and would do anything to possess it. To these girls I say, forget about the material things in life. Hold on to all the good things that surround you. Your true friends and the family that care so much for you. Although I despise these prissy whores, I do feel for them. Because I also know how it feels when you know that people talk about you behind your back. And i was jealous of the popular girls for a while. I wanted their clothes and jewelry and looks and above all else, their acceptance. Now, that im older, I realize how foolish these "popular" girls were. and how I am better off not being their friend.
My family however I can honestly say that I do not need. You may think that this is selfish and mean of me, when you know the real reason I feel this, then maybe you will understand me a little bit better. Keep in mind that I am 16 years old and everything is 100x worse in my mind than it actually is:
My mother, Tara, is one of the worst women I have ever known. since before I can remember, this evil woman had abused me. When it wasn't physically, it was mentally. And when it wasn't mentally, it was emotionally. And so on and so forth. For reasons beyond my knowledge, my mother had hit me or cursed me. I used to think that maybe I was a bad kid. That I answered her back one too many times and maybe I deserved the slap to the face or the bruise on my arm. But now that I am a little bit older, and a little bit wiser she knows not to hit me often. Once in a while I will get a hit here or there. That however doesnt compare to the emotional abuse she put me through. Tara had always been known around my house to have a temper. And taking out her temper on me would be the highlight of her day. I have come to know myself as "cunt or bitch or stupid fuck". I have been told that people from the dad to my sisters to even my grandmother hated me. And having such a weak state of mind, I believed her. I believed that I wasnt loved. And that everyone hated me. She contributed to my death in a large part. As much as she would like to say this was my own fault, I hope forever that she has to bear the fact that although not intentionally, she killed her oldest daughter.
My father, Buzzy, is a perfect example of a trying parent. While trying to keep the screams of his and my mothers fights silenced, he failed to see his postion as not a father, but a daddy. He was the enforcer oif the house. In my point of view he was there to hand out punishments and enforce rules. He was not there to love. Buyt there to fear. He was a rather unfair father and did not show mercy in anything he did. He overeacrted about grades and cared too much about the little things. He was a large part of making my life hell. One day my mother hit me so hard my nose bled, I called him crying and he did nothing about it. His silence showed me that he wasn't there to help me. He was there to make our "perfect" family look perfect. Thats all he cared about. Even though he didnt know it, he slowly caused my death.
My sisters. Sami and Dyanna. I love them with all my heart and soul. They are what kept me alive. Although I acted as if I hated Sami, I didnt. What I did hate was that she was the favorite. That my mother didnt hit her and call her names like she did to me. My parents were always on Samis side in whatever happened. I hated that she was loved and I wasnt.
Life at my high school was perfect. In that school there are no popular people and i was finally accepted for who I was. I had made many friends. Some who will be in my heart forever. I will cherish the memories I had made with them and will never forget them and will be with them always. These people were the ones that held me together. The ones who helped me out with any little problem. The peice if advice I leave with you girls, Jess, Katie, Meg, Britt, and Amanda, is that you keep eachother close. Please dont let the little things get in the way of the beautiful friendships you've created for yourselves.
Francesca. My best friend in the entire world. The person who holds my secrets. The girl who I can confide in. I am so sorry that I did this. To me, there was no way out. I hope that you will be able to forgive me. Please remember the 9 amazing years we've shared as best friends. I will always keep your secrets and memories close to my heart. I will love you always my best friend.
Steve. Many people might not know about Steve. Only the important people know who he is. Steve is the person I fell in love with. He is the guy who made my depressed sad world liveable. For a short while anyway. Steve, although you live in another state, and we were never close to eachother, I have loved you with all my heart. You have made me whole.
I cannot explain the feelings I have for you. Strangers who dont know me are reading this and think Im crazy. A 16 year old victim of suicide in love. of course. You cant have a suicide without a broken heart. But this is different. Lack of feelings from Steve are not the reasons for my death. Steve loved me as well. We have had convorsations that people can only dream of. And although we have not seen eachother in person more than once, I have fell madly in love with you. I dreamed of growing old with oyu, living together, getting married, and having kids. I do not know why it ended this way. All I can say is that my love for you will never die. It will live on forever in my heart, as well as yours. Please know that I love you and that I will be with you forever. As long as you love me.
I AM WITH GOD NOW. I believe that he was one of the few who loved me. he was there for me when no one else was. He heard my cries every night whether he wanted to or not. He saw went went on behind the walls of my "home". He new why I di this before you did. To me, his is the only person I can trust in this world. I want nothing more than to be with him. I peace. In extasy. In pure happiness. I think that I will receive what I deserve. When I am standing before the devil and Jesus Christ himself. I will get what I deserve. And I am now strong enough to say, that I am prepared for the consequences of my actions.
My life as you see was not perfect. I was not perfect. I have made mistakes that I regret even to this day. This is probably the worst mistake I have ever made. The point of this letter was not to be a typical suicide note. It was to inspire others like myself to take another road to freedom. Talk to someone close to you. Everyone has someone they can talk to. In my case it was God. Death is not the answer. I know this is hard advoce to take from a dead girl, but you need to look inide yourself. Past all the bad memories and bruised emotions.
Look down deep inside your heart and realize that there are people that will be upset if anything bad happend to you. YOU ARE LOVED. So please take my advice and treasure it. I on the other hand did not have advice as valuable as this. AND IT COST ME MY LIFE.
love is always in your heart
|06 Feb 2005||chrissy czarra||make it look like a murder|
|02 Feb 2005||Donna||I really don't thinkk that sucide is a toy. It is a serious matter. I OD just before christmas on my mom's birthday. My friend drove over here and litterly dragged me out of my room and took my to the hospital. Some day's i wish he didn't and some days i just wanna thank him for savin' me. Today is just not one of thoughs days. This same friend is addicted to really bad drugs, he is on house arrest right now and i don't want him to do something bad like i did. I am not doin' that well in school, my dad is never there for me he never was and never will. When things were gettin' bad at my house between my mom, her bf and myself i asked my dad if i could live with him and he turned me down both times. Right now i only cut when i get mad or depressed, but that seems all the time, i reallydon't see the point of livin' if your not havin' a good time enjoyin' it. I don't know what to do and i can't talk to my friend cuz he is probably doin' drugs right now and if i tell him somthing like that he will take my to the hospital or tell someone who will. I don't wanna die in pain, i already have enough pain, i jsut wanna die and get it over with, i have no where to go in life, all i wanted if life was to live the rest of my life with my friend and have a happy life, but i know that wan't happen he will end up in jail or something like that. I am tired of waitin' for him to clear up. The weird thing is i wanna do the drugs that he does but i want him not to.I think that i make my own problems but i just don't know how to stop. I don't know what i am doin wrong. I don't think that my sycyatrist, therapist, or my two cooounseller's are helpin' me at all. They all say they know how your feel, or that they want to know but i don't feel confterble talkin to them about things like that.I want 2 talk to someone i can trust,someone who won't try to stop me from what i am doin' i just want to talk to someone who feels the same way i do. I am 13 and i really want someone to talkk to my e-mail address is email@example.com|
|02 Feb 2005||REDDEATH||EVERY ONE PLEASE READ
hey every one catch me if you can I'll race you there!
Get This She's sorry. She broke my heart and she's sorry. How dose repear the hole that once had some thing there.
Since I last told some stuff some more has happened but first i need to tell you some more of the past r you wont understand some of this.
A few months ago I was stayin in america where I was sad but much happier than here in the UK. My best friends Birthday was coming up and I thought as a nice surprise I would change my flights(cost $150) to be back in time for his birth day and I Brought him back a prez(Nice of me I thought). But now here you go this is the very nice part. A few days ago it was my 18th birthday and guess what I didnt hear from him, so i phoned him this how the convo went
me: "Hey chris hows it going"
chris: "not to bad under nieth the belly of a plane at the mo im just cleaning FXK12"
me: " Oh ok. Dont you have any thing to say to me?"
me: "chris it's my birthday man."
chris: "is it oh ok."
chris: "I have to go. I'm under this plane."
me: "ok man i'll tal.......beeeeeeeeeep"
he didnt even let me finnsh what i was saying. I found out on sunday he's not talkin to me, I had to phone one of my old mates some one i thought he wasnt talkin to and some i definately wasnt talkin to find out what was goin on. i found out chris, my best mate the guy i done that stuff for that i talked about, was angry (get this) becos i was upset he forgot my birthday. what a friend!!!
so not only has the girl i love riped my heart out but... my best friend forgot my bday and is now not talkin to me, oh and get this lets make it even better half my family forgot my birthday too.
Lets Lits this
Now have no friends
1/2 of Family forgot my B-Day
Girl friend Ripped heart out(now i let this girl in to my family took her to my brothers wedding, showed her all the care in the world and now i just feel empty she was the only thing i had i'll post 2 poems' of such after this one.)
Oh mustent forget this suff
I need to get £20,000($40,000) with in six months
My mom is movin to a one bed roomed house,(hang on dont i live with my mom?)
my dad didnt get me any thing on my B-Day, didnt even send me a txt messege till my brother called him, no card nothing, to get more of the story do a name search on REDDEATH i seem to be the only one sofar.
Please let me kno if i am right in being depressed and upset, oh by the ways im a deeply emotional person any so this really dose put the tip on the mountain. please feel free to e-mail me/messege me on msn its the same address REDDEATH@o2.co.uk
|27 Jan 2005||Shihan CJS Sir||Y'SHUA SINGLETARY CAGLAR JUAN KENPO is my ,own interpretation of Martialarts that I teach and a philosophy that I preach.Whilst I do not believe in Suicide ,under certain circumstances ,JESUS forgives it,but not like Koreschdavid,Jimjones,or even Antimessiah Prophethitler reasonbeing it is better to commit suicide than to be framedorworse and Happyholidays.I do not know if I can,per se,really answer such a detestable question,but willsaith this I do not desire for anybody to setuply murder me,but beseech MOSTMERCIFUL CHRIST to forgive me if I a such.
|25 Jan 2005||Loud whisper||Hmmmmm, where to start? Pain, Anger, doubt, suffering, self hatred, sorrow..... I can go on and on....... obviously if you are reading this you have had or probably still have struggling thoughts of suicide. And after reading so many posts here on this site for about 4 months i have decided to write you all my own little short story...... like the most of you my life was tough in every way possible..... Everyday was filled with pain and sorrow..... i have been trying to commit suicide scene i was 12 .... i am 15 now . it began slowly with self hatred then self abuse.... ( cutting my self and banging my head into walls constantly) i tried stabbing my self, slitting my rist, suffocating my self, overdoses, and jumping in front of cars...... i was stuck and lost inside of my self .... i felt like no one could help me and even if they could who would care enough to any ways? . After the attempts i was consistently sent to counselors, social workers and physiologists..... Eventually i gave up on life..... Everyday i would wake up hoping to die.... after so many attempts i wondered wut in the world kept me here???
i tried avoiding my pain by drinking ALOT... sometimes to the point where i couldnt even remember where i was or wut i was doing ...smoking and doing wut ever else i can do to get by another day.... every night i cried my self to sleep....... now one night specifically i had a bottle of pills in one hand and a remote in the other ready to try another attempt.... i was flipping through the channels now i guess i must have landed on some Christian channel ... and i remember this mans voice loud and clear ..." my child .... God sees your pain and he wants to show you his love ... he sees you now and hes saying Put Down Those Pills..... God loves you.............. Shaken by the mans words i quickly drank the bottle of pills..... Why... I dont know.... but i ended up in the ER almost dead..... but again, once again i was Blessed enough to survive...now im not here to preach to you but i am here to tell you that i was given a second chance at life ...... another chance to make things right... now the pain... and bruises done over the years is not going to disappear in one night... i cannot guarantee you that life is going to be easy.... but i can guarantee you that there is someone who cares....and who will help you though it.. God Loves you and if you got this far into this letter ...THEN hear the Voice of a girl who once stood in your foot steps..... Who felt what you are feeling whos been where you have been
LISTEN to me when i tell you Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.... Never loose hope.....and now you have heard my side of the story... if you are still reading this i tell you that no matter what you have been told you are not an accident.... you are here for a reason... and ur alive today thank God, for you are here today..... Reading these very words and breathing..... if u want to talk about anything at all or jus want to ask me n e thing Please feel free Email me at Aslama@al.com
|22 Jan 2005||Mary||I'm sorry that you feel that you have to do this in order to feel better. Remember, no matter how hard it gets, and no matter how hard it is to believe at the time, God still loves you, and if you pray to him, he WILL answer you. It may take a while, but please don't kill yourself. I may not know you, but i still love all of you as my brothers and sisters in Christ. If any of you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail me. I hope you feel better. Bye.|
|21 Jan 2005||New Creation||I can't believe what I have just read.
The most effective way to kill yourself is to give your life to Christ. You die of your old-self, and become a new creature in Christ. It is the only way.
I did it. It work for me. You are never to young r to old.
|14 Jan 2005||I WANT TO DIEEEE||I havent tried to kill myself yet...
But I have seriously thought about it for 10 years.. Im friggin 15 years old..
Okay this is my life..
I grew up into a wife beater/child abuser/druggie family.. The first couple years of my life I was with my grandparents which wasnt bad, but it was because my sister was in the hospital dying.. My mom couldn't be with me nor my brother.. so we basically didnt have a mother until we were 3-4 years old.. thats when the hell started happening.. My child abuser of a father and psychotic mother took us from our grandparents and we lived in many different apartments and going from place to place.. we eventually ended up back at my grandparents house with my mother and father.. while witnessing some abuse and being hit everyday.. the emotional abuse was worse.. and when I was 5 years old me and my siblings were taken away, and for a week we were at my cousins house.. and because I was scared to sleep with my cousin in her room my uncle beat me up.. great vacation from mom and dad..
We were returned to our parents in a week and a week later we were taken away (once again) each time being traumatized, while these big police officers are taking us out of the arms of our grandparents.. in 2 days we were back with our horrid parents..
when I was 6 we moved out of our grandparents house and moved into a new house ( where all there was were low class mexicans, that went "ouchi ouchi" or something like that when we rode our bikes passed the houses in the neighborhood.. it was a dump), we got a dog and everything was going better..
My fathers abuse though got worse.. everyday we would hear fuckers,cunts, etc use ur imagination.. and we'd get hit horribly and my mom when he was beating her I would go in front of her and say dont hit my mommy.. he'd throw me into the wall.. ohh well.. I got a cat for christmas.. and in the spring our dog was ran over by a car.. we got 2 more dogs .. the 1 dog ate my cat.. the only friend I had ever known and my dad just kept on hitting me..
I remeber going to school with a big bruises on my face and the teacher asking me why I had so many bruises,
I had to lie.. knowing that life would only get worse if I was taken away..
So I got fat from my cat dying .. from the depression.. I ate because that replaced the feelings and food became my new friend..
I got teased.. soooooooooooooooooooooo bad.. never had 1 friend.. and I was literally beaten up at school and tortured.. and when I got home I got it from my parents..
I remember on christmas my dad gave me a black eye and broke my nose.. aww.. great present..
I lost all my fat because I became an anorexic/bulimic and quit school..
I had no friends and no life..
I over dosed on pills a couple times .. diet pills that is .. and I had to go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped..
my dog died ( the 1 from the 2 that we got) and later on the next year my grandpa went into the hospital and our house burnt down.. and our other remaining dog killed our puppy that we got 2-3 years previous.. when they were in the hotels..
My cats had kittens .. when we were in those lovely (yeah right.. okay the rat traps of hotels)and most of them died when I tried so hard to keep them alive.. my grandpa was literally dying in the hospital for about 5 months at this point and we finally got a new house..
I personally felt like killing myself.. I had lost everything that mattered to me.. and I was losing the only father I had ever known.
a couple months passed by and my grandpa was starting to get better.. then due to neglence of the doctors they killed him off..
I was ready to slit my wrists right there.. I over dosed on pills 2 more times and I lost it
I mourned and stayed in my room for months and I didnt go to school again.. and now my dad still hits me and abuses me almost every day.. my mother emotionally abuses me and wants to make every1 hate me.. and I finally met a guy I liked and he liked me back.. and we talked about everything.. but suddenly he started acting different.. and now he's treating me like shit..
and now I just cant take anything anymore.. I just want to die.. and nothing is working to kill myself off..
Im too sad about everything..
The world would be better off without me and Im just another mouth to feed and to abuse .. so if anyone has any tips to kill yourself off with please share!!!! :(
|11 Jan 2005||Worthington Christian Reject||I've wanted to die for as long as I can Remember, Now I think I just might. I made a suicide Kit replica. It had a Knife, a pen, not nearlly enough tylanol, and a rubber toy to easily get stuck in your throat. It doesnt work though. I won tickets to a show and asked a chic I know and like (Shes knows I like her, and she even told me that she liked me) out to see it and she said sure, knowing damnwell it was a date. The next day she gets a new boyfriend. well my life is over tonight|
|31 Dec 2004||Chris||im Chris and im 15, i really want to kill myself or have someone kill me for me(use a gun to my head plz...for the past 8 months my bestfriend and I hooked up and she became my gf. for the first 5 months she starting acting like if she was a different person...she was like psychic...there was a spirit that was threatening to kill her as it told me...and i did all i could to save her...and for those 5 months it went on and on...i thought it wasnt real...but then i said to myself my god this was real because i started to get weird scratches on my arm with messages...and idk how...but then i started up with it and i thought they came into me now...she kept it going and she started to "save" me...and then the 6th month she said she broke up with her bf Ryan...so im okay finally we can be 2gether...then everyday in school i saw her near him all the time...by the 8th month i fucking forced her to tell me the truth and she goes saying that she is still with him...and she says the spirits were fake...and now because of this i never concentrated on school and my life...i was always focused on her...and i used to be an A+ student...now im a fucking failure and im starting to lose a lot of friends...and now she broke up with me and is with the other kid ryan...and im telling her im going to kill myself now...and she is getting really upset...i hope she fucking deserves what she gets for brainwashing me, lying to me and cheating on me i want to kill myself now... here is my email... firstname.lastname@example.org|
|24 Dec 2004||Will Snow||Happy Christmas. Or at least i hope it will be a happy one for you all.|
|23 Dec 2004||the devils last wish||yo,scorpion ya you do got a pretty bad fuckin life. but i think the people who bitch on this site about losing girlfriends and getting the shit beat out of them at school is like a cover up or some shit like that.ya i agree with you that all of us here are pretty fuckin stupid in some ways like putting a post on here about how fucked our lives are. and not actually going to kill themselves. but this is just like a place were we can put what we say and not give a fuck. then agian thats just what i think. ive lived a pretty bad fuckin life to. but i don't feel like posting my bad shit up on this site. it in someways it seems worthless. i mean i really don't think anyone here can actually make me feel any fuckin better. and even try to stop what i do and what i say. ya i know i sound like a fuckin preacher. but trust i hate preachers they are so fucking boring. well i hope your life gets better and i hope mine ends SOON! good luck. and maybe this year you might have some what of a good christmas. see ya|
|22 Dec 2004||Nicole||my name is nicole and before i read all the stories in this site i wanted to kill myself cause i thought my problems were bad but they aren't nearly as bad as some people's on this site. i'll tell you my story.
When i was in grade two i met my half brother we were havin so much fun with him until he ran away and was sent away to a foster home he would come down every weekend but i wouldn't want to talk to him. then when i was in grade six he got a girl pregnant with my neice then she was born near christmas.i'm in grade eight now and my brother just moved bac in with us and he expects me to forgive him for gettin thrown in jail for abusin his girlfriend and abandoning me and my family. Now i'm in this really big fight with my best friend and she like hates me now. so that is why i thought i should kill myself but now i realize that this site is wrong people shouldn't commit suicide they should work out there problems.
|20 Dec 2004||Will Snow||Hey slim shady is back, i mean Will Snow. Im blocked from using this site from the 'other' library. Wish you all a good Christmas anyway. Hope you have a good one. Will xxx|
|18 Dec 2004||Religious Maggie||As the days get closer to Christmas my poosy bulges more and more out of my knickers. I wouldnt be surprised if it explodes during the exciting Eucharist Christmas church services. I really love singing the hymns in church. My poosy sings too my darlings, yes it squelches along to the music. And sometimes it does little poosy burps or poosy trumps, but when that happens the priest calls me "rude Maggie".|
|12 Dec 2004||Corey||I've had my stomach pumped 8 times from ttrying to kill myself, until one day my friend invited me to church and I was saved! I think every person will not x-periance what i did by leaving the person i was and becoming a christian, but it's possible. Im just asking one of these days when you have a hard time when you feel like taking pills or picken up that knife that you want to slit your wrist with..Just go to a church, sit in the back, dont even listen to anything, try to act and look mean, i promise somebody in that whole church oneway or another will change your life. I would not be here today if it wasn't for my friend that i tried to Kill by posioning him! He still offered to take me to church and I think after all that i have one of the best testamonies ever and this is why im here to make people feel like there is a reason in there life! And there is to Praise and Worship the Lord. And if something good happends like im telling you about trust me! You'll thank god that Your here today! I know where everyone of you have been. try to be where Im at!|
|11 Dec 2004||Felicia On Deductive Reasoning||Violence And Christmas Shopping * Alert
Today I was walking in a shopping mall. At around 7 pm (Pacific Standard Time) a flurry of teenage boys stood kitty corner in front of a knife store and were exchanging hostile words. It was turning into a nasty fight. One of the girls by the cell phone booth yelled out "SECURITY!" The crowd witnessing the fight became curious and hung around. There I was trying to go through a standing crowd. I said to myself, "Why are these freaking idiots standing around looking at the fight? Get out and move on because someone may pull a knife or gun unexpectedly!" I became annoyed, moved quickly to avoid a brawling stampede, and continued to the nearest Bath & Body Works department store.
If you see a fight developing in a public place or happen to drive by an accident on a highway, keep moving.
In this crazy, crazy hostile world, use deductive reasoning.
For survival, watch for these common everyday high risk factors.
1.) Keep your eyes open in front and back of you. Don't use tunnel vision. Blinders are meant for horses going around on a whirly bird treadmill.
2.) Watch what you say in public. Bitter words stir up strife. If the person is continously picking on you, move on. If you are unable to avoid the situation, go to security or any person who can help you. Don't argue with the hostile nincompoop.
3.) Don't run with scissors.
4.) Tie your shoes to avoid tripping. Untied shoes are not in style anymore and it makes you look really foolish.
If you avoid hazards, then you are on your way to staying alive longer.
If it is the opposite, consider this your own suicide kit.
|09 Dec 2004||Martin||I'd like to start off by saying that I'm not here to judge anyone or try to save the world because you can't help all the people all of the time.
My best friend killed himself on friday, and im on here lookin for some kind of reason why because i dont understand why someone would take their own life. My wifes due to give birth to twin girls in a few weeks time and I really wanted tony to sit beside me in the waiting room and we could have went out to wet the babies heads and smoked big cigars like your meant to and do all the normal stuff that that goes with it......... that's not gonna happen now. Tony's gone and I'm burying my best friend tomorrow and then in a few weeks time the babies will be born and instead of being happy and instead of crying with joy, i'll be crying for my Tony and crying for my loss of MY FRIEND AND MY fuvking lifeline!!! what am I supposed to do now??? I will spend the rest of my life wishing I hadn't been busy with a stupid irrelevant and unimportant report on friday night when he called me at 8.10pm, I told tony I would give him a call back - the next thing I remember is Tony's dad calling me at 9pm and telling me that tony had been cut down from a tie, a tie that had dad written down the front of it, a tie that was a silly christmas present he had bought for me because we always joked about how naff things branded with the slogan DAD were. god i wish i had spoken to him and god I wish he was here with me now. I feel total despair and I feel angry with him. why did he do it? did he want me to talk him out of it or was he gonna say goodbye? I'll never know. What i do know is that so many lifes have been ruined, so many christmases have been spoilt and I miss him so much and wish he knew how much I loved him and how much I'm gonna miss him. Please just think of the ones u leave behind and how they are affected. Please don't be horrible to me because I just cant take it right now, please just spare a thought for your mum or dad or brother or sister or your best friend cause they're never gonna feel any better..........