Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.

Date Name/email

Nom/email
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?

Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
18 May 2014 billy the one and only I am in horrible pain. My girlfriend is leaving me. I have no money. I am not attractive anymore. I have to leave my home and my cat come with me. It seems like everyone hates me and wants to keep away from me. I know i have problems, but am i truly unloveable. I am so very suicidal right now.
24 Jan 2012 DearlyBeloved I wanted to say the only reason I am still amongst the living today is this site. Or more specifically two very specials demons of mine... Billythefreak and Enzyme are the ones I seek out when I think about chewing on a powercord or running in the highway. Many thanks! You each earned a virtual cookie and pixy stix (you get one too mouchette!)
17 Jan 2011 Billy the freak Death on the Wind

People kill things everyday
From love to idle time
And somethings die anyway
From life to idle time

It couldn't really hurt to die
No more than it hurts to live
The people left always cry
When there is nothing left to give

Death is just the final sleep
From dust to dirt we go
In little piles, that dirt we sweep
And the wind outsid e still blows

The wind kills time itself
It eats away this earth
Everything once known as wealth
The wind will turn to dirt

To know death is to know the wind
That whispers through the trees
For death is just another friend
Blowing on the breeze

--------------------
writtenin2009by
matthewmclean
--------------------

billy the freak
02 Jan 2011 billy Shaw well im 14 at the moment and i didnt really care that my parents were deforced when i was 4 as my mum was really nice. but when i was 14 i asked my mum about my dad and i found out that he abused her and me and had a criminal record, this mad me really angry. and i was a really angry kid in primary and i turned it around in secondary and was starting to think it was getting better, but i was wrong i have been bullied by different people on and off throughout year 7 8 9 and now in year 10. but now i have had enough the name calling has got enough and my 2 best friends are ignoring me and my only friend i have left doesnt talk to me much. i tryed to talk to my brother but he wanted to tell my mother about how i felt. so ihave decided to keep my feelings to my self. i thought it was good at home because the bullies werent here but i was wrong they leave me messages on facebook and youtube and tonight i just want to end it. but i know i dont have the right resources to kill myself but im thinking of getting my mums cooking knife and putting it on my head to kill my brain. if i dont comment again i have ended it
25 Nov 2010 billythefreak what the fuck?
21 Sep 2009 Felicia the don't feel so Great  
12 Jul 2009 M.M. aka billy the freak hello friends,
i wish i was on fast train between paris and amsterdam. if i was high on opium and drunk on sweet spirits this would be so glamorous. would i be able to notice the beautiful woman with the laptop across the car? does she know mouchette?

truth seeker,
i also seek the truth actually i want to preach it becuase i am the alpha and omega, but the van allen radiation belts stop me from going to heaven.

kim,
i want dead inside too. she makes me feel so... alive?

okay you little freaks keep coming back.

your friend,
billy the freak
12 Jul 2009 M.M. aka billy the freak independence day has come and gone blown past like the ribbons in your bottle rockets. the wind catches them and they sweep across children's feet. when i was young i believed the united states was the beacon for the free world. in the past few years, through underground documentaries, the internet, and good old study i have become illuminated. lights on. and the truth is so far away the american dream. no more eating hallucinogenic mushrooms tripping out to fireworks basking in the mellow ambiance of pride, subliminal whispers spoon feeding you comfort. obey and consume. the united states is the bulldog for the shadow government, the new world order.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it.
-Quoted by Thomas Paine-

what if i told you a handful of people control the world and humanity. just a few dirtbags with all the power and money. the corporate elite, international bankers, media companies, and even royalty. these power brokers play with peoples lives like they play a game of chess. bent on the thought of being one of the ruling class in a one world government.

what? you didn't know about them. this is sadly typical especially if you live in the united states. they control the media and what is presented to us as fact. they create the enemy. they use false flag attacks and scare tactics to frightening us into our homes and pissing us off to where we want to see the end of these 'terrorist', blood, death and destruction. we see so much tragedy. they see conquest. nazi protocols keep us in line. they use television, newspapers, and radio to tell us what to think, at the same time they are above any existing law using the current government as a tool to bring us down. the patriot act and laws during wartime. simple puppets in place to sooth the ignorant. they want to control our minds. they want to make us cattle. and when the time is right there will be death. a horrible black death it will consume the weak. we will evolve by necessity.

you know this sounds right we are moving into a new age, the age of aquarius and let the water bearer wash away our sins.

i don't know if i got my point across. and this is real and there is so much more. check out infowars.com and zeitgeistmovie.com this will be a good place to start. it is up to you to see the light and all their ugly faces. you don't need to kill yourself we're doomed anyway.

i must have dreamed a thousand dreams
been haunted by a million screams
but I can hear the marching feet
they're moving into the street.
now did you read the news today
they say the dangers gone away
but I can see the fires still alight
there burning into the night.

there's too many men
too many people
making too many problems
and not much love to go round
can't you see
this is a land of confusion.

this is the world we live in
and these are the hands were given
use them and lets start trying
to make it a place worth living in.

oh superman where are you now
when everythings gone wrong somehow
the men of steel, the men of power
are losing control by the hour.
i won't be coming home tonight
my generation will put it right
were not just making promises
that we know, well never keep.

this is the world we live in
and these are the names were given
stand up and lets start showing
just where our lives are going to.

this is the time this is the place
So we look for the future
but there's not much love to go round
tell me why, this is a land of confusion.

-phil collins-

billy the freak
01 Jul 2009 billy the royal court magician one of the first rock stars and sex symbols of medieval times was merlin the royal court magician who supposedly lived in the times of king author and sir lancelot putting the year somewhere in the 1100's. it was said that merlin had the power to disappear and reappear at will. he could shape shift and summon demons,dragons, and beast of all shapes and size. by some he was described as a handsome dark haired man who dressed in the fanciest of garbs. you could imagine how young men would want to emulate such a prolific man and how women would cream in their panties. by others he was described as a hunchback ugly man who would steal your child for for the unspeakable acts of his wizardry. unlike the king and the good sir whose stories have been romanticized to the point of fairytales merlin the man may have never existed. real or not real in his day Merlin's' exploits were the talk of every village far and wide. even now his name appears in many aspects of pop culture. he is a snapshot of everything and nothing folded up in a book on your shelf.
alchemy* at the time was considered to be the same as magic, because the men who practiced the craft kept its secrets well guarded, mainly for profit, but i suspect they got of on the mystery and allure surrounding the subject. to this day any respectable magician will not give away his secrets. like then and like now there is no such thing as magic. today the word magician is used at kiddie parties and retirement communities, go figure, the term now is illusionist. as if to say to believe in magic is to believe in witchcraft, you dance with the devil.
one of merlins most infamous illusions were before the eyes of his king he turned lead int gold.now think about what he made them believe he could do.he took one of the most abundant metals and turned it into the most precious metal on earth. so needless to say this made merlin the mother fucking the man. this also sent the other alchemist into a frenzy trying to recreate the miracle that was nothing more than a parlor trick, and to this day people still use the phrase 'trying to turn lead into gold' when describing the impossible. now i have never turned lead into gold, but i have turned bread into mold and with that i may have done more than old merlin ever has.
an illusion is merely an act of deception and the magic is in the minds and on the faces of the sucker. i am the wizard of my domain everyday and in anyway i will deceive whoever i can to get what i want. i disappear when things get heavy and i reappear at the most opportune moment. i can morph my appearance and my demeanor to fit into any crowd. i summon beast with the flick of my cell phone fury and they swoop in and destroy my enemies. by the light of day i am a handsome man on the cutting edge of fashion all the ladies want me and all the guys want to be me. in the street lights and shadows i'm mr. hyde hideous and livid. i am on the tip of every tongue, yet no one knows me. i am the modern day magician. i am the full metal alchemist. i am your drug dealer.





*alchemy/noun/ a medieval chemical science and speculative philosophy aiming to achieve the transmutation of base elements into gold, the discovery of a cure for any ailments, prolonging life, and human transmutation.

billy the freak
26 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a. billy the freak amsterdam heaves like the breath in her lungs. people bustle through the streets as
the blood surges through her veins. i can feel this all around me.... however, i sit
alone in the a bar. I want to be alone, only me and the bartender. hey, did you know
i have the power to be anybody? i can go anywhere and do anything, any-fucking-way i
want to do it. However, tonight I sit alone. i sit in a basement level dive too dark
to see the clock on the wall, yet bright enough to see the bar in front of me. the
pink neon light in the window screamed in its best cursive 'MOUCHETTE' a warm and
ambient glow enveloping you like a womb welcoming all to her embrace. however,
tonight i sit alone.
The bartender is mouchette and i am only a guest in her place. like me she has the
power to be anything, but only in the minds of other people. if you were to ask her
who she was("mouchette, really who are you?")she would say she killed herself at the
brink of thirteen and in death had second thoughts. now she plays a game and through
this game she lives on. tonight mouchette is a thirty something italian woman with
the type of beauty that says you would like to fuck her, but wouldn't really perform
at your best only because you are intimidated by her razor sharp wit and her worldly
charm.. She has so many friends and you never feel good enough in her company. the
intimate encounters are few and far between and you both want more. when you are
away she is always in the back of your mind. i know all this and tonight she is only
the bartender, why she is in this spittoon of a saloon could only be guessed, but i
do know she is here... aways here for me.
"mouchette! baby doll, please pour me another." i belted.
"billy darling no need to shout; i am right here and there is no one else in the
bar." she said in a reprimanding tone."another vodka and tonic i would bet."
"right you are. you know me well."
"i know you because you know you, you know me and right now... this is all we know."
"positively insightful mouchette, I say you inspire me. you are my muse." this i
announced with a certain amount of glee.
"billy" she said while fixing my drink. "I am afraid the booze is your muse.." She
sat the drink down in front of me.
I was outraged. "mouchette, you... how could you say this? do you want to hurt me?
do you want me to feel bad?"
"again billy, this is all we know. I think you must ask yourself that question."
{what is her angle? what is she getting at? i want her to go with the flow.} i took
the drink in one gulp then slammed the heavy short glass motioning for another
drink, nectar of the gods.
" vodka and tonic yes?"
"ha!! i would like a whiskey and coke, if you put pepsi in there i will fucking
smack you." i said triumphantly "you are slipping mouchette... maybe you are not my
muse"
"the joke is on you billy." she said in a tired voice and made the drink in the same
dirty glass.
{the joke was on me. i hate whiskey. what is this? do i have control? yes, i have
all the control. when i am here i am king and she is the servant. So why do i feel
so helpless.} the neon light from out side the bar shined through my half empty
short glass, casting glimmers of light onto the slick bar top. the lights danced
across the fine finished wood as i turned the glass between my thumb and index
finger. suddenly i felt alone. no longer alone by choice, but alone... just
helplessly alone.
"well billy, I'm here" falicia said out of nowhere.
"how did you get here." I asked.
"you let me in silly, what kind of question is that." now i am simply sick of this
shit.
"are you going to fuck with me too falicia!" i shot the whiskey and the fumes and
words came out my mouth like fire. "i don't know how you got here. i don't know why
you keep coming back. i didn't open that fucking door."
"i found the door and walked through it just like you did billy, ask yourself these
questions and you will find the answers you are looking for." falicia ordered a
mineral water and drank while i thought about what she said.
i first came here when i was sixteen it was 1998 ten years passed and now i am
twenty six. i didn't give anything, i only took for one decade. she was always here
when i needed her and at times she made me feel special, at times she made me feel
worthless. I would run away but only in presence. in the stealth of the night i
would visit. the price i pay is her always haunting me, for not a day goes by... not
a day goes by. did i want a suicide kit for christmas? no, i just wanted to show
other children how to play with the toy. i am no longer a child, but i still play
with this toy.
"falicia i come here because as long as people come here i cannot die.... i will
live forever. this is the gift she gave me and i tell you, i don't know if i deserve
it." just when i thought i was opening up falicia started to laugh a hysterical
laugh. then lucy and phil join in. chris and will snow chime and it now a chorus of
laughter. joe lee, mackellar, elaine, agent orange, just a girl, and many others
have the bar quaking with laughter. in spite of myself i start to chuckle as well,
but i had to ask.
"falicia why are we laughing."
"you wanting to live forever is all fine and good," she said as she points across
the bar with her finger resting towards the bartender. "but what happens when she
dies."
that very moment i had ad a revelation and with that change a change happened in
mouchette. her cigarette burn eyes stared at me as she poured me another vodka and
tonic, her smile was just crack on her plastic face
25 May 2009 Enzyme  
24 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a. billy the freak (Rape, Murder and Suicide Are Easier When You Use a Keyboard Shortcut: Mouchette, an On-Line Virtual Character
Leonardo - Volume 38, Number 3, June 2005, pp. 202-206)

this quoted from web site project muse in brief review of mouchette

enzyme,
i noticed i spelled your name wrong on my last post. i was key stroke off. please do not take offense.
some years ago mouchette asked me to stop making spelling errors, because she didn't have time to correct them. mouchette has given few a interviews over the years and in one of her early interviews she was asked how much time she spends at her computer. she did not want to answer for it was so much. i was not upset, in fact i was happy she took the time to correct my post long as she did. she wanted my words to be right and further more she challenged me to do this myself in a sense make my own work better. with that she helped me design the way my post are styled. i do this by copy and paste from my yahoo mail account. that way i can see it spread out and i use spell check. pretty smart, huh. then finally she asks me how i started spelling so good. i told her i used spell check.

the bangles manic monday plays in the background.

now, i don't really know if my post have gotten better, but i do feel as if they have matured, however they still give the opposite vibe. hey, i'm a freak.
you said you had a screenplay.
i fancy myself a writer as well. mouchette says: to become an artist you simply make something and call it art. i guess you can do that with writing as well. i make a few post in the kit and now... i'm a writer.
in an interview with peter luining mouchette says: (I am the kind of person who thinks that art is never where you expect it, and that art is only in the eye of the beholder: a true descendant of Marcel Duchamp.)
i agree with this one hundred percent and i consider what i'm doing right now art. a revolutionary type of art where you are allowed to contribute even if you are tricked in to doing so.
after the first time you then pick your level of involvement. i bet there are souls who have been visiting for years and never once posted and of course i only speak of the kit. there is so much more. she has so much allure.
in the reviews of mouchette they try break it down with psychology, and i can tell from your post you know a little something about that. in the interviews it seems to me the person answering the questions instead of answering the questions as if they were mouchette they speak of mouchette like it is piece of art that is influenced b the hands of many and left to interpretation. please don't get me wrong mouchette does provoke you on a psychological level and does a good job of steering your thoughts in a certain direction, but what two psyches are the same. so i feel it is definitely up to your interpretation. they say mouchette allows you to flirt with the thought of death, maybe... it also allows you to flirt with the thought of life.
with all the searching i have done and personal interaction i have had with mouchette i am no closer to knowing what she is then when i first began, but i do know how she makes me feel. if mouchette was music i would download her onto my i pod. if mouchette was an herb i would smoke her. you know what? i am getting way off track. enzyme, i'm sorry i spelled your name wrong. i noticed you didn't have any typos in your post. perfect. god. are you god? well if you are. i'm sure you know what you are getting into and can handle it. don't let us down.

your friend,
billy the freak

p.s. we all know mouchette is on the cutting edge of pop culture but has anyone noticed how wattle chick sounds and reads like lewis carroll's jabberwockey? curiouser and curiouser. billy wins the award for most mentions of mouchette in one post, he chortles in his joy. mouchette i love you.
23 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a.billy the freak the city heaves like the breath in her lungs. people bustle through the streets as the blood surges through her veins. i can feel this all around me... however, i sit alone in her bar. I want to be alone, only me and the bartender.
{hey, did you know i have the power to be anybody? i can go anywhere. yep. i can do anything, any-fucking-way i want to do it. however, tonight I sit alone. i sit in a basement level dive too dark to see the clock on the wall, yet bright enough to see the bar in front of me like a high definition painting in a cheap plastic frame. the pink neon light in the window screamed in its best cursive 'MOUCHETTE' a warm and ambient glow enveloping you like a womb welcoming all to her embrace. however, tonight i sit alone.
the bartender is mouchette and i am only a guest in her place. like me she has the power to be anything, but only in the minds of other people. if you were to ask her who she was, she would say she killed herself at the brink of thirteen and in death had second thoughts. not that she didn't want to kill herself, but wanted to know the best way to do it. now she plays a game and through this game she lives on.
tonight mouchette is a thirty something woman with the type of beauty that says you would like to love her, but wouldn't really be at your best only because you are intimidated by her razor sharp wit and her worldly charm... she has so many friends and you never feel good enough in her company. the intimate encounters are few and far between and you both want more. when you are away she is always in the back of your mind. i know all this and tonight she is only the bartender, why she is in this spittoon of a saloon could only be guessed, but i do know she is here... always here for me.
"mouchette! baby doll, please pour me another" i belted.
"billy, darling, no need to shout; i am right here and there is no one else in the bar" she said in a reprimanding tone", " another vodka and tonic i would bet?"
"right you are. you know me well "i said.
"i know you because you know you, you know me and right now... this is all we know" she replied.
"positively insightful mouchette, I say you inspire me. you are my muse." this i announced with a certain amount of glee, but not really understanding what she said. it sounded good enough.
"billy" she said while fixing my drink. "I am afraid the booze is your muse." she sat the drink down in front of me. she is speaking gobbity gook and suggesting i was an alcoholic. I was outraged.
"mouchette, you... how could you say this? do you want to hurt me? do you want me to feel bad?"
"again billy, this is all we know. I think you must ask yourself that question." she said again putting it back on me.
{what is her angle? what is she getting at? i want her to go with the flow.}
i took the drink in one gulp then slammed the heavy short glass motioning for another drink, nectar of the gods.
" vodka and tonic yes?" she called from across the bar.
"ha!! i would like a whiskey and coke, if you put pepsi in there i will fucking smack you." i said triumphantly. "you are slipping mouchette... maybe you are not my muse maybe this is just a joke."
"the joke is on you billy." she said in a tired voice and made the drink in the same dirty glass.
{and the joke was on me. i hate whiskey. in an attempt to be belligerent i asked for something i didn't want. what is this? do i have control? yes, i have all the control. when i am here i am king and she is the servant. So why do i feel so helpless.}
the neon light from out side the bar shined through my half empty short glass, casting glimmers of light onto the slick bar top. the lights danced across the fine finished wood as i turned the glass between my thumb and index finger. suddenly i felt alone. no longer alone by choice, but alone... just helplessly alone.
"well billy, I'm here" felicia said out of nowhere.
"how did you get here." I asked.
"you let me in silly, what kind of question is that?" was the condescending reply.
now i am simply sick of this shit.
"are you going to fuck with me too felicia!" i shot the whiskey down my throat and the words and fumes came out my mouth like fire.
"i don't know how you got here. i don't know why you keep coming back. i didn't open that fucking door you waltzed in here yourdamnself."
"billy right now you want me here. i found the door and walked through it just like you did. billy, ask yourself these questions and you will find the answers you are looking for". felicia ordered a mineral water and drank while i thought about what she said.
i first came here when i was sixteen it was 1998 ten years passed and now i am twenty six. i found this place when i was contemplating suicide. we all know i'm no strait lacer who tied up his shoes to awalk on the wild side. i never gave anything too much, and got so much in return. she was always here when i needed her. at times she made me feel special, at times she couldn't have made me feel more worthless. I would run away, but only in presence and in the stealth of the night i would visit. the price i pay is her always haunting me, for not a day goes by... not a day goes by. did i want a suicide kit for christmas? not really, i just wanted to show other children how to play with the toy. i am no longer a child, but i still play with this toy. i'll still show to get the max amount fun even if you just watch the other children. something eternal made fameous by the hands of its creator. that's it.
"felicia i come here because, as long as people come here i cannot die... i will live forever. this is the gift she gave me and i tell you, i don't know if i deserve it". just when i thought i was opening up felicia started to laugh a hysterical laugh. then lucy and phil joined in. chris and will snow chime in and it is now a chorus of laughter. joe lee, mackellar, elaine, odd orange, dead inside, just a girl, and many others have the bar quaking with laughter. in spite of myself i start to chuckle as well, but i had to ask.
"felicia why are we laughing?"
"although it sounds like an oxymoron in the most basic sense, you wanting to live forever is all fine and good" she said as she points across the bar with her finger resting towards the bartender "but what happens when she dies?"
that very moment i had a revelation and with that change in my mind a change happened in mouchette. her cigarette burned eyes stared at me as she poured me another vodka and tonic, her smile was just crack on her plastic face.

billy the freak
21 May 2009 M.M. a.k.a. billy the freak hello friends,
emzyme,
you...i don't know what to say. you are certainly thought provoking. you are so right, mediocrity is sure fire way to a simple life. i find being educated, talented, and different in a dumbed down society makes you a target on many levels. i live in a place where they cannot read, but can certainly multiply further diluting humanity. am i renegade? am i an anomaly? i don't feel as if i'm a part of everything else.
cassie olivia,
please, before you kill yourself consider billy's suicide solutions to give you the perfect end to a not so perfect life. email me for a quote.
time warp,
you really should only stay up till 3:00 in the morning if you are reading through my past post. these can be found in mouchettes favourites archive and of course in the fameous users search under billy. watch the movie donnie darko i think this will put some of your thoughts in perspective.
oh, elaine and joe lee great to see you again. now lets see if we can get some of our old friends to visit.
I think we need more friends to make the game interesting.

billy the freak
13 May 2009   how you gonna be a getto thug and live in great britian? queen elezabeth took away all thier straps so now all they got is billy clubs?

here is an impersonation of a british gangster:

why you talkin rubbish? gon bash your face with me billy club.

isnt that silly.
11 Nov 2008 Liz Monroe This is no suicide rave. i'm not suicidal, REALLY. it's just a pointless vent by an angsty philosophical 17 year old in an odd situation...

Well, my baby's gone. It's been a year since our first kiss- our first "more than friends" moment. it's been 6 moths since i first realised how much i loved him. 4 months since I first fucked him. and 2 months since we made it official. slow paced, huh?
And now my babys gone to the far ends of asia with his best friend and lead guitarist. "see you in a month" he told me halloween (night of his departure). I didn't believe him. I have 2 & half weeks till his supposed arrival back to melbourne. Time coulnd't be going slower, and yet i feel as though i'll never speak to him again, unless it's to say goodbye. Strange world we live in. I've always said: if there is a god, he really has a fucked up sense of humour. I should have been born earlier. 1941, preferably. anytime then on in. I should have been a baby boomer: teenager of the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, or 90's. Life would have been a hell of alot easier then. I can't describe it, and you can't understand it unless you've met me. SO take my word on it. And i missed generation X by a butt hair! thanks, man. timming's never been my best point, always too late. I can hear god laughing at me when he pulls something like that. Crazy kidder.
And, y'know, I remember my #1 fella tellin' me (or attempting to tell me) his feelings. How he thought i was perfect, how he thought we could never be. He was right. I love him, and i've waited my whole life to say those words to someone. And i'm not saying it's something it's not. I don't expect to marry the guy, or to have his kids and live together forever. I'm not asking him to pull some big 'sleepless in seattle' gesture- scream my name from the top of a building, send me 100 roses for valentines. Hell, I didn't even believe in teenage love before him. The truth is: he has an entire life of his own, with a whole bunch of people that just arn't me. His got his quirky fashion and bizzar industrial metal and his ultra-futuristic ways. I have me rockabilly, my creepers, my nostalgia and my smoking, drinking, riot grrl existance. I just don't fit into his life. He has no room for me, and truth be told I doubt it's effect him if i were to dissapear. It'd bug him to see me with another guy, but for me to just go? nah.
And it hurts, and i'm lonely. Dude, you've gotta listen to the lyrics of Gary Numan's "are friends electric?" to get it. hehe, he kinda looks like Gary Numan.
I try to distance myself. When we're together it's a rule never to show any true emotions. We're both too cool for that, or atleast we act it. He can be so warm, and then so cold. And me, i'd just rather turn him on and not get my hopes up for anything. He'll break my heart, men always do. I'm no fool, i've seen it happen. I wish I could say he's different, but i'm not sure of that yet. When he's there and i'm here, and I expect him to cheat on me and he probably thinks the same. We can't go on together with suspicious minds, hehe. The truth: sometimes i think his too good for me. All the girls want him, to be honest i'm not sure what they see in him. I'm not sure what i see in him. But whatever it is it's something they can't see. And all the boys want me. I think it upsets him, he doesn't know how repulsed those other men make me. But like I said, I just don't fit into his life. I don't match his outfit. And it hurts, because I want him so bad. I want him to come back from hong kong. I want to be waiting at the airport for him. And i secretly want him to marry me and give me the happy ever after ending i never really thought i'd get. I wish we could drop the act just for a few minutes, and I wish he would tell me what he really thoght of me. And i wish i could drop my guard and tell him. We havn't even sad we loved eachother. It's just how we are.
But i see his pictures of his adventures throughout chine: hair dyed green, smiling that smile, being that quirky self that only he can pull off. He looks so happy, i don't think i've ever seen him that happy, not even with me. I'm not sure if i make him truly happy. he makes me happy. I've never told him. But he looks like he fits over there. I'm envious, i've wanted all my life to get out of australia and 'fit'. I've wanted out of here, over to california, over to real people who get me. And his there in hong kong, looking the happiest and most content i've ever seen him. His just so happy there... without me. It hurts. I'm scared, and yet i'm smiling and god and his odd sense of humour. Fucker.
11 Mar 2008 Are friends Electric? Hi. My name is... well lets just call me Marilyn Monroe. Oh fuck it, my name is Liz, i'm 16 going on 25, and i'm just so fucking through with life. Is it bad to want to stop living becuase of certain things you can't control? I have a weired take on life. I am hot when i am cold (if that makes sense) I mean, I'll get to school (a society of it's on, main brainwashing facility for us 'pre adults' that don't know what we want) and i'll sit in class, surrounded by human beings that are just on a different planet than me. I hate them all so much, i can't relate to any of them. say one word and they'll act like your best friend, then bitch about you behind your back. They think they're cool if they sit with me, or pretend to dig the same style or music that i do. I can see right through them, and at the end of the day they all just think i'm a freak. And home aint to much better. I'm stuck in this shit hole of a town, and i hate every fucking one. I guess the problem is the generation, i can't relate to them. What i would give to have been a 50's teenager, or 70's, or anything but now. I can't exactly explain why, people where just so much more real then. There was less socialogical rules and people wern't trying to be something that they just wern't. Then again, people are still people. And abserd circus, a pathetic wasteland for the filth of humanity. And i feel trapped, trapped in a bad town on a bad planet in a bad generation. and i read all of your problems,and they don't compare to yours. Kids that have been abused, raped, they have cancer, they are homeless. but in the end, that's not really the problem, is it? and i can't imagine anyone else on earth feeling the way i do becuase i feel as though there is only one occupant on this planet of mine. abserd i know. and i feel so very angst filled. I mean, i'm the only person i can rely one! no one else, becuase everyone i love goes away in the end, and i can't take the heartbreak. You know, i like the foreplay.. i will play with men, sweet talk them, let them hear exactly what they want me to say, i'll play it cool, act my part all to feel wanted and loved, and then i'll puysh away before i fall for them. and why?.. becuase i'm fucking scared! and i can never really be happy becuase i will never let myself be loved. I just feel hopless, there are no words to describe it. and yet, i find myself sitting here typing madly hacking away ay my keyboard snarling. I suppose i feel like this world holds nothing for me, as much as i complain about this town and the peple in it, i wouldn't know what to do if the world was mine. I can't stand to be alone with myself, but i love it all the same. I need salvation, I need something absolute. something real to hang on to. I've tried, oh elvis fucking christ i've tried! standing infront of a train track, freaking out last minute. I guess i hate the thought of giving them all the satisfaction. they'd all make up some bullshit reason, like i was 'misunderstood and confused' or 'lonely and depressed' probably make me seem deep, along with being a local fucking legend, more so thani am now (people are amused by me, they think seeing a busty blonde in 4 inch creepers, bright red lipstick, psychobilly 50's style black button up and cats-eyed sunglasses is.. oh what was that word.. 'totally sick bra' pssh) oh they are so mornoic. and i'm not depressed, i'm not insane. i'm more sane than anyone else! I just can't justify living in this world that seems so pointless. i mean, we are all born to die. no denying it, what happens in the middle make no difference to your fate, so why bother trying to slow it down? i'll just never find what i'm looking for, becuase everything i believe in is fiction. books, movies, songs, bands they are my only friends. put on a vinyl and i'm not so lonely. but is it enough to keep me going? what happens, when your future is clowded and uncertain, and i can't figure myself out! how am i supposed to live with myself if i can't figure myself out?! SO FUCKING ANGRY AND MAD AND FUCKING SAD! i don't even know what i want, it's all so meaningless! i can see through everything, like fucking cellophane. dying won't help, and if i end up living it will only be out of curiosity. But a part of me is numb, and a part is feeling way too much for me to handle. I don't know what i fcuking want, i just want out of this world...
28 Sep 2007 Mouchette is dead... Seek HELP!! This will be my last time on the site but let me leave something with you all:

So you can trust me in what I am about to say, please note the following that has happened to me in the PAST and days up until recent...

I am nearly way too old for this site but for some reason I keep coming back to post well I am done now coming here because life is going to be ok. Well, I am going to write about my life experiences which means I am using this site as a blog site for right now, so if this gets boring just scroll down and move on. My life started to change and turn to shit when I was about 11 years old. That's the age I was when my parents divorced. It is not easy growing up through a divorce. Anyways me and my older brother lived with my Mom because my father was whacked. So my life was shittier than you could imagine. I never had friends, and never got invited places. I was ripped away from my mother because the courts believed my father when he said my Mom was estranged ... it was the other way around. Mom took us away because my father was abusive, and whacked out. He would always threaten to kill the pets and us if so and so ever happened. Anyways, so CPS took us away where my brother and I were sent to live out of state for a few months to live with our grandparents. We came back later in June 1998. We had just started high school and then we were taken to a group home so many miles away which didn't work out so then they took us to a foster home where we gave clues to our Mom so she could come see us when the courts said she couldn't because of my father. Then a few months or so later we got moved back in with our Mom. I still have no friends at school so I am a loner wandering the halls and quad areas, and locker rooms aimlessly waiting for classes to start. After school was nothing but dreaded days because it was homework time until I finally realized how to get it done in school. When I was about 14 I adopted my greatest dog ever who became my only friend. He was there for me when no one else was, I loved him and he loved me back. He was a loyal pet and never put me down like the many people I came into contact with. He trusted me and I trusted him. Then came the day that we had to move because we were low on money again because my father never once paid child and spousal support so we had to give my BEST friend up. MY dog and I were good friends. I miss him to this day and wish with every breath that I take that I could find him and re-adopt him if he is still around somewhere! If anything was almost as hard as growing up through a divorce it was the day I had to depart with my dog! We lived out of the car for a month or so with 2 cats, and 2 dogs too. We had to move into a motel for 3 months. Then we move again. The cycle never endeed. I am now a h.s. graduate with some college and I still am not employed, I thought I had made friends 2 years ago but those friends just walk all over me, and don't care like they say they do, I moved back to my fathers house because otherwise I literally would be living on the street if I didn't. Before I moved back I was in the job corps until they kicked me and some other people out. Sometime after I moved back I met my fiance through his dad in 2003 when he was sick with cancer. He lost that battle in February 2006. Again I thought my life had ended. One year and a few weeks later to his passing, our dad (his dad) had suffered a major stroke. I felt like joining the dark/gothic side of the town I live in so I could be heavily sedated with dark clothing, black nail polish, chains, and the works. Of course I didn't though. I am also a full-time volunteer/backup worker for an animal organization. I fell in love with another guy whom is the world to me but hasn't been able to see the same way yet he tells me he is in love with me and cares about so much but doesn't ever calls or returns my email. So I am to think he is playing with my heart as well. Then there was another guy that had cheated on me before he gave us a chance. He is the wheelchair bound dude that is a hillbilly redneck. Now that I reread that statement about the redneck, I think I am ok not being with him. Now my play-with-my-heart guy comes crawling back and wants to give us a chance ... again. Im at a loss at what to do because I don't know want to be hurt again. So then my ex-friend wants to set me up with a guy who turns out to be a jerk too. I still at this time love Mike Westerman and want to still be with him so I think I will take him back and see if he really has changed and if so will stay with him. I could go on but I think I will stop writing now.

As of tonight I am going to be ok!! I know life throws rough patches but remember that there is SOMEONE that does care and GOD LOVES you, I LOVE you, People LOVE you even if you dont believe it. Your life will get better, TRUST me. It did for me.
27 Aug 2007 The way I see it. Please post this:

I am nearly way too old for this site but for some reason I keep coming back to post, and read what others have wrote. I just read someone's post and it honestly made me think harder than I ever have thought about life, and my being here on earth. Do you believe there is a God? If not, I am partially with you. Sometimes when I pray I never ever, I rarely ever get an answer and I was told since I was very little that God hears and answers prayers. I prayed hard the other day quite a few times and as of late have not gotten any answer to that prayer. Well, I am going to write about my life experiences which means I am using this site as a blog site for right now, so if this gets boring just scroll down and move on. My life started to change and turn to shit when I was about 11 years old. That's the age I was when my parents divorced. It is not easy growing up through a divorce. Anyways me and my older brother lived with my Mom because my father was whacked. So my life was shittier than you could imagine. I never had friends, and never got invited places. I was ripped away from my mother because the courts believed my father when he said my Mom was estranged ... it was the other way around. Mom took us away because my father was abusive, and whacked out. He would always threaten to kill the pets and us if so and so ever happened. Anyways, so CPS took us away where my brother and I were sent to live out of state for a few months to live with our grandparents. We came back later in June 1998. We had just started high school and then we were taken to a group home so many miles away which didn't work out so then they took us to a foster home where we gave clues to our Mom so she could come see us when the courts said she couldn't because of my father. Then a few months or so later we got moved back in with our Mom. I still have no friends at school so I am a loner wandering the halls and quad areas, and locker rooms aimlessly waiting for classes to start. After school was nothing but dreaded days because it was homework time until I finally realized how to get it done in school. When I was about 14 I adopted my greatest dog ever who became my only friend. He was there for me when no one else was, I loved him and he loved me back. He was a loyal pet and never put me down like the many people I came into contact with. He trusted me and I trusted him. Then came the day that we had to move because we were low on money again because my father never once paid child and spousal support so we had to give my BEST friend up. MY dog and I were good friends. I miss him to this day and wish with every breath that I take that I could find him and re-adopt him if he is still around somewhere! If anything was almost as hard as growing up through a divorce it was the day I had to depart with my dog! We lived out of the car for a month or so with 2 cats, and 2 dogs too. We had to move into a motel for 3 months. Then we move again. The cycle never ends. I am now a h.s. graduate with some college and I still am not employed, I thought I had made friends 2 years ago but those friends just walk all over me, and don't care like they say they do, I moved back to my fathers house because otherwise I literally would be living on the street if I didn't. Before I moved back I was in the job corps until they kicked me and some other people out. Sometime after I moved back I met my fiance through his dad in 2003 when he was sick with cancer. He lost that battle in February 2006. Again I thought my life had ended. One year and a few weeks later to his passing, our dad (his dad) had suffered a major stroke. I joined the dark/gothic side of the town I live in so am heavily sedated with dark clothing, black nail polish, chains, and the works. I am also a full-time volunteer/backup worker for an animal organization. I fell in love with another guy whom is the world to me but hasn't been able to see the same way yet he tells me he is in love with me and cares about so much but doesn't ever calls or returns my email. So I am to think he is playing with my heart as well. Then there was another guy that had cheated on me before he gave us a chance. He is the wheelchair bound dude that is a hillbilly redneck. Now that I reread that statement about the redneck, I think I am ok not being with him. Now my play with my heart guy comes crawling back and wants to give us a chance ... again. Im at a loss at what to do because I don't know want to be hurt again. So then my ex-friend wants to set me up with a guy who turns out to be a jerk too. Ii still at this time love Mike Westerman and want to still be with him so I think I will take him back and see if he really has changed and if so will stay with him. I could go on but I think I will stop writing now.

So if life gets you down do some hard thinking before you settle with suicide! Its a permanent solution that seems like it will work but really will leave your current problems for other people and then some. If you want to talk please feel free to email and we will be in touch.
11 May 2007 Billy Talk to your parents, are you guys fucking serious?

GG on being an arsehole. Do you know how much funerals cost? Do you know how upset your friends/family will be? Do you not see how fucking lucky you guys are?

Get over it, life's too short.

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